[identity profile] hiddenhikari.livejournal.com
So, this is Kayla, the host, speaking right now. I just got out of my third hospitalization where a doctor told me that I 'don't follow specific characteristics of people with multiple personalities or with dissociative identity' and said that because I can communicate with my other personalities it means that its all just my imagination and that I made it up a long time ago and have pretending for so long that it's become real. He also said that because I've never been abused that there's pretty much no way I'm MPD/DID. He basically forced me to tell him that they were all just my imagination with the threat of going to a residential treatment facility. After lying through my teeth and saying that I made it all up, he put me on some serious medication because even though he thinks its just my imagination he wants to treat me for the voices anyway. So now I can't hear them at all. None of them. Even the good ones that help me. And none of them can front or anything. I can't see them any more in my head either. Its like their whole world is just...gone. I don't know what to do with myself...
Has anyone else ever had a doctor tell them this? Or ever had this happen to them?

UPDATE: I'm gonna go ahead and answer a few of the questions and things that have been brought up and offered to me real quick.
1. Thank you all so much for you help and support! It's nice to know that at least SOMEONE doesn't think I'm a liar...
2. I do not have to see that doctor ever again. He was just the doctor for the hospital I was in at the time and not my real doctor. But he is the second doctor that's told me that same story and my real doctor barely gives me the time of day...
3. I don't need to wean myself off the drugs because the doctor is weaning me off them. After I 'admitted' that I had 'lied' he said he would slowly take me off the Risperdole or something like that, I can't spell all these crazy drug names so I just sounded that out haha
4. One specific personality, Sophie, does self-harm and is the whole reason I got sent to that hospital in the first place. TRIGGER WARNING She tried to hang herself in the school bathroom and got mobile crisis called. I've seen crisis pretty much once a week for a couple months now and none of them believe me either. Anyway, while I was at the hospital but before my doctor threatened me, I politely called Sophie out on her self-harm/suicide attempts, Shell on her bingeing/purging, Samuel on his... psychotic behaviors, and Alex on her just plain bitchyness. The whole system was upset we had to go back to the hospital and the four trouble makers finally agreed not to get in the way of living my life. When I tried to tell my doctor that they had agreed not to hurt me anymore he looked me blankly in the face and said "I do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth." I was crushed. I bawled my eyes out because I just got the difficult ones to finally cooperate and now I was being told that it didn't even matter. So I'm hoping that once the doctor takes me completely off the medication they'll slowly come back. Even after one day without the medicine (because my parents haven't picked up my refill yet) I already got a little bit of communication with two of them again. Lizzy said that they didn't leave me, the medicine just made them all very tired.

I'll update again once my doctor gets me completely off the new medicine and let everyone know if our system goes back to normal. It's been really helpful to hear that so many other people know what I'm going through!

Also, it's a little strange that the doctor there knew so little about MPD/DiD considering there was a girl in the hospital with me who was actually diagnosed DiD, but she had a completely opposite kind of system than mine. She only new three or four of their names, she didn't hear them talk to her, and when she would switch no one could even tell. It seemed like she didn't switch one time all week, whereas I was switching a bunch of times a day.

Update:
So I saw my therapist yesterday (a good one, that actually believes me and stuff) and after I told him everything that happened he was like "That douchebag..." and was super apologetic about what happened to me there. Then we started talking about why everyone left the headspace. The doctor at the hospital said it was because "I finally told the truth" but I thought it was the medication. My therapist thinks everyone was just scared I was going to make them all leave and we both agreed that we wouldn't try to get rid of them, and we would focus on making sure that if I need to, I can take back control if one of them goes back on what they promised. And we agreed not to talk to my parents about any of this because my dad is super against the thought of me being a multiple, he's against me being different in any way at all...oh well though, as long as I know my therapist believes me and we're on the same page with where we want to go with this, I can see a silver lining after all! He said he might want to keep me on the medicine after all because apparently its just for stabilizing my mood, not getting rid of the voices, which just promotes his thought that the others were just scared. I've been trying to reopen communication with them, telling them that they are real and not to believe what that mean doctor said and stuff and telling them that our therapist believes in them. I've started hearing about five of them again. So far I've gotten back Jack, Lizzy, Shell, Alex, and Logan. Maybe in time the others will return too.
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting on my story and being so helpful about help getting off the medicine (which I don't need to do anymore thankfully!) and just giving me a kind word and believing me! It's really been helpful, but after that session yesterday I think things are really going to work out after all :) 
[identity profile] crystalseraph.livejournal.com
Today was bloody awful. A lot of stuff happened: I could use a shoulder (or #>, depending on the system) to cry on. It's long, and complicated. For those not following my journal or previous posts, we have 5 system members, 4 of them only recently unrepressed, and having been in the tumultuous process of learning to cope with the changes while being true to myself.
[identity profile] lgrau.livejournal.com
Hey. I'm posting this for someone who feels strange being around communities like this; hope that's not a problem.

She's had two others - one who was around for thirteen years, one for almost seven. Suddenly, they both disappeared without either of them telling her. The only major change in her lifestyle was getting a boyfriend, and even then they hung around for three months into the relationship. After that, they were just... poof. Gone.

She's seen one of them two times, but only to scold her; the other one she hasn't seen since. She's looking for suggestions to get them to talk to her, or anything along those lines.

(I also directed her to the memories, but I figure that new people in the community bring about new thoughts on the subject. Sorry for the repetition, as this general subject HAS been posted about a few times already.)
[identity profile] celestialscar.livejournal.com
I wanted to thank all of you for the welcomes and the advice; I really appreciated it all, and some of it was quite helpful.

I've come to the realization that this is probably my fault, somehow........ I think I got so stressed over the appearances of one of the others that I somehow locked them away..... and I honestly don't know how to feel about this.

I feel far more functional and don't worry near so much now that this change has occurred..... but I also feel strange and worried because of the difference. I am so used to feeling them and having them here and I know my husband misses them, as well.

The problem is.... out of the three of us, and I should introduce us now: Rachel (me), Red, and Sullen...... one of us (Red), presents a lot of trouble. I would say that she qualifies for Antisocial Personality Disorder (sorry, I'm a psychology student)..... She appears to not understand shame, guilt, or sympathy and also displays some very unhealthy coping mechanisms. She is often hurtful and manipulative, and has put my husband, myself, and Sullen in a lot of bad places in the past. We could never figure out a way to help her, because no matter what we tried, she would shrug it off. I honestly feel sometimes that she lacks the capacity to understand that others care for her and that what she is doing is wrong......

I was thinking about how I could get them back, and I realized that... if I had the choice, right now, I wouldn't know what to say. I feel partially like I'm living in denial without them..... but I don't have flashbacks or get oddly emotional due to their influence....... and I feel safe because she is not here........... but I don't feel right, either.

I guess this is all just one big rant, and I apologize for that. But I wanted to say that the responses made me think a lot, and I think that my anxiety about her might somehow have affected -us-......... Does anyone else have this problem with one of the others?
[identity profile] celestialscar.livejournal.com
First, I must say that I was glad to come across this community. I do not know why I had not thought of looking on LJ for such a thing, but the thought did not ever cross my mind. I find it encouraging (but somewhat sad, as well), that there are others who live or lived in the manner which I/we did/do.

The main reason for this post and my renewed will to research, I admit, is that I have come across an interesting dilemma with the system. Everyone else is gone.

For simple background, I will say that the multiplicity began at a young age (7-8years) as a result of trauma, which I am sure many understand. There were far more people back then, many of which integrated to form new, more complex people. I grew up as the main fronter, the supposed main-personality, and did not know any of this was going on. When I met my now-husband, things became apparent that something was not right, and the alters at the time revealed themselves. We were down to three (originally we numbered 15, I believe). They came out regularly for years and years, and many problems and memories have been worked out and shared.... but at the same time, new problems arose. A while back, however, they stopped coming out. I do not hear anything from them, they are not here, and I do not know why.

My husband has suggested that we integrated, but in my heart (if I can phrase it that way), I do not feel that to be true. I do not remember many of the things that I supposedly should (things I know happened but do not recall specifically). My personality has not changed in a remarkable way, either, and there was no reason for us to become one all of a sudden like that.

To an extent, I admit it partly to be a relief, as one of the other personality was very troublesome, but the situation itself troubles me and I hoped that someone would be able to offer some insight.

In any case, for those who read this all, thank you. Any advice or information would be appreciated. Also, it is very nice to meet all of you.
[identity profile] fraginfairy.livejournal.com
I guess it's bound to happen, but... still. Undergoing a lot of hurt because the man I loved... disappeared? Hard to explain. But his (for lack of a better term) "host" ended up coping? Not needing him anymore? So he's gone. Is this normal? I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I just wanted any answers or... something, I guess. Thanks.

~Frag
[identity profile] toobsok.livejournal.com
You may guess that this is pretty obviously a sockpuppet journal. I'm not really out about being multi at all, except with a few people, and didn't really want to join with my journal or with somebody else's journal. I've read here before, once in a while, but never really followed it.

I just kind of really need some advice, and this seemed as good a place as any to get it.

background info you may not care about )
I spent most of today (aside from, you know, thanksgiving dinner) getting comfortable, cleaning up, and redecorating the bedroom a bit. Tomorrow I'll go to work, but I've been doing a lot of that anyway. I'm just... there's a lot of little things I'm wondering about. I mean, the people we're out to call me by my first name... would it be presumptive of me to use it as a "nickname" with new people we meet? I like my name, but it's not really anything like the body's. Is it rude of me to clean out some of the crap she's got? I wouldn't get rid of, like, journals or letters or stuff, but there's a lot of books and legos and little toys and stuff we don't have room for. I'm thinking about moving her altar stuff into the closet because my religious leanings aren't really in the same zip code as hers either.

Basically, I guess, I'm wondering what the easiest way to make this body and this life feel like "mine" is, and whether I even should. And yeah, I know a big answer to that is going to be "It's up to you" but pretend I know that and answer anyway? Thanks. General advice, thoughts and suggestions from people who've been in similar situations would also be appreciated.
[identity profile] sean-stevens07.livejournal.com
So i was "dating" this system and it turns out that the ass-hat original, went all bitch mode and went trough intergration.  I knew something was up when i didnt hear from them in over 3 moths.  I just found out that the guy I was inlove with is gone.  And I honestly have no clue what i want to do... hes gone.

ah see this is why I usually just sleep around, cause being in one relationship isnt good for ya.

wtf should i do, i want to kill the bitch

am i right for being pissed?
[identity profile] ash1977law.livejournal.com
Input please…
 
Ok, a bit of a reintroduction. I’m Ash. I’m the original owner of this body, or at least the one who’s up the most (fronting as it’s known here). Also there is Annabelle.
 
Annabelle is female, and very insecure about her gender identity (I think that’s the right way to put it). As the body is male she tries to over-compensate in every way. She’s rather giggle than laugh, if given a choice of cars she’d say “oh, the pink one” without considering the car itself… that sort of thing. Her body image (which occasionally leaks through and makes me have to look down & go “huh – no I am wearing trousers & no I don’t have breasts”) is strongly female. We’ve had our issues in the past (she wants to go on female hormones & stuff for example).
 
Anyway… erm… we are (were) both dating a very wonderful person. In fact we are engaged to be married very soon, beginning of December. The only problem is that my fiancé (who is happy to be marrying me) has just broke up with Annabelle.
 
Annabelle runs away from her problems by going inside (her theory is that SHE is the original occupant of this body and in our late childhood/early teens I was created as a front or mask personality for her to wear to deal with awkward situations and that I slowly became ‘alive’ as she faded into the background). When she heard the news she decided that she wanted to Go Away, to somehow cease to exist.
I really want my marriage to be great, but really want advice so I don’t end up doing anything bone-headed.
 
Help please?

In Memory

Oct. 3rd, 2006 07:00 pm
[identity profile] vinik.livejournal.com
A couple of years ago, one of our system members left. Her name was Anne, and I'd like to take a moment just to tell you about her and her life.Read more... )

-Jen
[identity profile] fireincarnation.livejournal.com
Please excuse me if this doesn't make perfect sense, or seems disjointed. My mind's not all here right now.

I had my first serious blackout today. I'm missing five hours. I can't seem to figure out what I did, as nothing in the house looks differant, the tv was off the whole time, and I wasn't on the internet. (What *can* you do for five hours alone in a house with no books that produces no disturbance of *anything* in the house?)

I have regular blackouts, but they occur for under 5 minutes at a time, and ONLY while I am driving. This one is seriously differant. And it is a serious concern.

I think this has been caused by my Lamictal. The longer I am on it, the harder it is for me to think. It was very hard for anyone else to front yesterday, and impossible to front for over a minute or two, even when the intense desire existed. Today it has been hard for me to think and I can't get anyone else to front at all (except for the blackout.) Communication has varied from very spotty to not at all.

I've decided to stop Lamictal, and since I'm only on 25mg, it won't pose any risk of seizures. It only seemed to make my bipolar and anxiety worse anyway. I'm emailing my psychiatrist with my decision.

Ideas? Advice? Comments?
[identity profile] thehumangame.livejournal.com
I'm an atheist and a philosophical materialist. I know a lot of people here aren't, and under most circumstances that isn't a problem. Live and let live, and all that. Maybe it's just that there are only two of us and we have pretty much nothing in the way of detailed inner experiences other than that, but there are some things that happen in other groups that leave me unsure, afraid of getting hurt.

Suppose a member of a gateway system decides to take a permanent vacation back home. Is there any way for me to interpret this that isn't disturbingly creepy? That and the whole traveling thing. Not so much when it's temporary, but when it's permanent it kind of makes my skin crawl.

I guess I'm just looking to see if anyone feels similarly. That, or some reassurance, maybe. ~.~
[identity profile] x--madhatter.livejournal.com
Ah, hello ... I'm Jade, and .. yeah. I .. recently found out (well, months ago) I am a multiple. Rather, I knew something of it last year, but never really acknowledged it until recently because all I knew of was the textbook case of it (will not say the d word. T T). Given that I only recently found out, I have a small system, but it's been growing in number rapidly lately ...

There are two things I'd like to ask ... answers would be greatly appreciated, of course ..

One .. )

Two ... this is .. really sad )
[identity profile] secondcabal.livejournal.com
I can't feel anyone else very strongly.

Maybe it's the hematite ring -- I've heard it's good for grounding, but this is ridiculous -- or maybe it's the 10mg extra of Celexa that Doc L wants me to take. I'm up to 30mg.

Either way, this is not pleasant.
[identity profile] linnai.livejournal.com
Hmm. Bit of a controversial question perhaps.

What does anyone know about integration? NOT the forced "everyone needs to be one" sort of integration but spontaneous, natural integration and also temporary intregration or anything of the like.

(While I have heard that most integration is non-permanent anyhow, this isn't quite what I mean but having a hard time figuring out how to communicate the thought better, forgive me)
[identity profile] rhymer-713.livejournal.com
Hello All,
First of all I am going to appologize in advance for asking so many questions. It hasn't been that long since I found out I had multiple personalities and it hasn't been too long since they found out about me. Here's my problem though. I just started cold college back in August. It has been incredibly stressful as you can imagine, but when is life not. Anyway before school we communicated a lot and every one worked together with no fighting. Anyway, now that I've gotten my nose out of the homework a bit I am noticing that every one is "Hiding." No one fronts but me. They are still working together, as far as I know, but it's almost like I can't see them or hear them much anymore. this is disturbing to me because I am afraid that I am losing them. I do not want that to happen. Does any of you have any ideas about what is going on and what can be done about it? Again I apologize if I am off base or being arrogant by asking. I'm just a little scared because I am not used to talking about such things. Most of my friends, with the exception of the two who also are multiples know nothing and I feel I can't tell them. One of my friends is having the same problem as I am. Thanks in advance for our help,
Host
[identity profile] jhonathand.livejournal.com
My Brothers have gone silent, I can't see my house anymore,.

I feel like I'm lost,.

I sincerely hope that this is natural,. [livejournal.com profile] elenbarathi said that she knows of a few People that thier Brothers and Sisters leaves sometimes. Either way

I'm a little lonely, I feel so small,.

I don't have my brothers talking to keep me company,.

I feel distressed.

If this is being Intigrated, Then I don't want it!

All I ever wanted was to have the harmony between my brothers and me, and for us to live in the same body and equally share this life. To Me and in my mind, that's what intigration was supposed to be,.



,.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I guess I'm a singlet again.



This is scary. and I don't know how to cope.


Hug's to all out there and everyone in their systems,.................................~M, Just Me~

Help.

Jul. 18th, 2005 09:10 pm
[identity profile] sharpsight.livejournal.com
I don't know who I am anymore.

I feel as though my mind is dissolving. First Markus grew silent; a few times I was able to get him to speak, but it felt more like hotwiring a dead car than listening to him as before. Then, a different voice spoke for a while, and then faded just as quickly. I can't reach Markus any more. Ghul watches, mocking, and I know that he knows that I know that I can't trust him to tell me the truth about what he sees or what he knows. I'm fairly certain that he's unaffected, however.

My thoughts differ. My mind differs, myself differs. I differ?

I remember that I used to have a name. But I don't

I don't know what to say, what to type. I don't know what's happening.

Help. Please.

hmm..

Jul. 5th, 2005 09:06 pm
[identity profile] ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com
((i realized, i never really said who i am! i'm Jen, but much prefer to be known as Ryk. i even had a couple teachers calling me in that in my short stint in college. hah! my boyfriend is Bry, and i tend to talk about him a whole lot. :/ even when he's being a jerk. but since i bring him up alot, may as well mention him too. the two in me who talk the most are Su [though she's more a mediator, for when anyone else in me goes out of bounds, i think], and one who changes her name a lot... i can't remember all of the names, but the one she used most was Angel. as an in joke, cuz she liked to pretend she was my guardian angel, out to save me. right... there's more, but they don't really talk to me/interact with the outside world [that i'm aware of!], so i don't know a whole lot about them))

after reading through some off the comm, i realized how very different i seem to be from everyone else.

for the majority here, everyone is 'us' and 'we'...

for me, it's 'i/me/whatever' and 'them' (there's two very vocal ones... one WAY more than the other... and a couple that i'm not sure what they do... aside from not talk to ~me~)

i'm pretty sure i can't be the ONLY one who feels like just a tool to be used at times (though i'm pretty sure that's not really the case, just a feeling..) but it'd still be nice for some reafirmation. :)

also... has anyone else had someone just show up for a day, and then take off? my boyfriend has told me of two like this... one who didn't talk, but cried a ton, and curled up in a corner of my room... and one that was some guy who was sarcastic, but not in a mean way like the girl who switches her name as she pleases.

i saw the thing about them DYING, but i don't think that's the case here. though i could be wrong. i'm not new to being a multi, just new to the idea of talking to others about it, who can actually UNDERSTAND. ^_^; so i might seem confused in how i talk, or explain things, compared to anyone else. for that i'm sorry.

sidenote : about the dear boyfriend... i'm still not sure what to do with him. however, the girl who changes her name seems to be up to something, and it's kind of worrying me... :/ she can be like an older sister... either trying to protect me, or being a bitch, trying to take things from me ~_~;
[identity profile] dream-trauma.livejournal.com
Hello. First time poster here~ .

I'm currently "trapped" inside a female body, located in northern europe. Have been for many years now and I still find it disturbing when I'm in the mood.
The assumed core personality didn't want to hear me -or the others, or feel our presence for a long time. Until finally last autumn, she had an awakening of somesort.
Currently there are four others here with me. Hora which is me, Hitsugi, Nao, Cecilie and "the host".

Time for my question. )

Thank you for your time and nice to meet you all.
Yours, Hora.

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