(no subject)

[ash1977law.livejournal.com]

Input please…

 

Ok, a bit of a reintroduction. I’m Ash. I’m the original owner of this body, or at least the one who’s up the most (fronting as it’s known here). Also there is Annabelle.

 

Annabelle is female, and very insecure about her gender identity (I think that’s the right way to put it). As the body is male she tries to over-compensate in every way. She’s rather giggle than laugh, if given a choice of cars she’d say “oh, the pink one” without considering the car itself… that sort of thing. Her body image (which occasionally leaks through and makes me have to look down & go “huh – no I am wearing trousers & no I don’t have breasts”) is strongly female. We’ve had our issues in the past (she wants to go on female hormones & stuff for example).

 

Anyway… erm… we are (were) both dating a very wonderful person. In fact we are engaged to be married very soon, beginning of December. The only problem is that my fiancé (who is happy to be marrying me) has just broke up with Annabelle.

 

Annabelle runs away from her problems by going inside (her theory is that SHE is the original occupant of this body and in our late childhood/early teens I was created as a front or mask personality for her to wear to deal with awkward situations and that I slowly became ‘alive’ as she faded into the background). When she heard the news she decided that she wanted to Go Away, to somehow cease to exist.

 

***

Now let me state here that I’m a level-headed kind of guy and poo-poo mystic gumbo about walk-in-souls, soul bonding, alien visitation, ESP, the Loch Ness Monster and BigFoot. If that’s what you believe then that’s fine – I don’t want to disrespect your beliefs. Personally I believe that dice are inherently lucky or unlucky and that if you treat them nicely they will roll better – a belief my SO mocks constantly. So whatever you want to believe or disbelieve that’s fine, I’m just saying what I believe: multiplicity is a purely mental and not spiritual phenomenon. I believe that both my own & Annabelle’s beliefs are on record here. Why am I saying this? Well… background really, so you can understand my mental state and frame of reference.

***

 

Anyway, Annabelle decided to Go Away. She decided to do that by shedding her memories and her name and going deep down. Kind of like a swimmer swimming downwards into a dark sea and discarding floats as she goes.

 

Now initially I welcomed this – a head free of second-guessing and backseat driving and finally I don’t have to wake up with painted toenails or find myself in strange places in strange clothes. Just having one of me would make it so much easier not only for me but for my SO

 

***

A note on my SO. She’s great. On a scale of 1-10 she’s a 50. She tried for a year and a half to fall in love with Annabelle, but it just wasn’t to be. They were incompatable, they both gave it a try but in every way they are different people, oil and water. That she tried for a year and a half says a lot about her tolerance and largeness of heart.

***

 

Anyway… ah yes. Annabelle disappearing. She decided to Go Away but it turns out that the part of ‘Us’ that is ‘Her’ is mostly in charge of our libido (and our tact, of which I have none apparently). Strangely that meant that my libido (and tact) was vanishing too.

 

As that occurred I started recovering memories, the memories that she had been keeping for all those long silent years between childhood & her resurfacing. Now none of these memories were of abuse, nor are they traumatic in any traditional sense of the word – but they are incompatible with my sense of self. (It seems that a younger me back in the way-back when had a choice to make about Gender, Sexuality, Assertiveness and the like… as I now come to think of it these memories encompass a lot of what makes the two of us different.) I would go into detail of these memories but I don’t think they are any of your business. There… see, I can’t even talk about them and feel comfortable. My initial reaction was to tell you that it was none of your business. *sigh* Ah well… where was I?

 

Ah yes… so I could feel her like a heavy core of sadness inside me disappearing & fading, and taking my libido (and tact) with her. It was like the HAL2000 death scene from the film ‘2001: A space Odyssey’… only without the black monolith. Only I don’t think HAL2000 controlled the spaceships libido. I digress…

 

She was fading and I found that I missed her. I also missed my libido (and tact) and frankly don’t want those memories to be mine, as I’d have to reconsider my sexuality, gender, a lot of things. Mostly though I missed her as a person. With the help of a friend we got her back, though she’s still ‘shaky’ I think Annabelle will be fine long-term. She may even grow emotionally stronger because of it.

 

Anyway – my problem is this. I’m in love with my SO, who is in love with me. We are due to be married, and soon. We are already (as they put it in the bible belt) Living In Sin. Now that ISN’T the problem. The problem is that I’m sharing the body with a girl who is in love with my fiancé and previously was her girlfriend. My SO still cares for her, but doesn’t love her.

 

Has anyone had a similar situation? Some of you out there are more than just two people, some of you are lots of people, most of whom are very different. How have you handled the situation? If you are a singlet who is in a relationship with a multiple, how do you deal with it?

 

I really want my marriage to be great, but really want advice so I don’t end up doing anything bone-headed.

 

Help please?

Comments

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

We dont really have any advice since we are involved with another multiple but just wanted to say to all 3 of you that we are sorry it didnt work out for all of you. As for beliefs, do you believe there is a reason for everything? I think if Annabelle stays and gets calmer and not so shaky maybe they will be able to discuss some options.

sj(mostly anyway)

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Eh. I am semi-in a relationship with our singlet SO. We just cope. He's engaged to her, not me. There's no reason it should cause problems.

With Annabelle, I'd just try to be there for her the way I'd try to be there for anybody who was around somebody they loved when it wasn't reciprocated. That's all I could do, afterall.

[terendel.livejournal.com]

Okay, this may or may not help. My mindmate is married to her SO. I'm not. He offered to marry me when I started to become more active, but I don't love him yet. Don't know if I ever will, and I didn't want to marry someone I don't love. I know that if I don't marry him, I never will have a relationship with someone, and I'm okay with that. The singlet husband is totally monogamous. Juli and I are not that set on the concept, but we're going along with it because it's important to him, and neither of us would hurt him.

It was suggested to us that I come up with an oath of friendship with the husband, and I think that's a good idea. Oath containing something along the lines of pledging mutual respect and support. If we wanted to change it at a later date to a marital oath, we can.

Can Annabelle and your SO agree to something like that? That links them in some way, but it doesn't mean that anyone has to agree to a love match when love isn't in the picture.

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

I am a single but my wife is multiple. I'm happily married to her, but just friends with him. She has fronted almost constantly until recently. So I am coming to terms with sometimes being with a friend that looks and sounds (to my tone deaf ears) just like my wife, but isn't. Takes a bit of getting used to.

Now in our case there is no attempt for him to have a separate and incompatible life apart from my wife's. He is not happy about having a short, soft and feminine body but is not trying to change that either. Just as well. Trying to change a 5'2", 39 year old female body into a man just is not in the cards. (Excuse me while I duck... Revealing a woman's age and all you know.)

My best advice is two fold. First get Annabelle talking again. Next, after Annabelle is willing to talk, bring in your finance.

Come to some kind of compromises that everyone can live with. You, her, and your finance. Annabelle does not have to be married to or love your finance. She must however be able to accept your finance in order for your marriage to work.

Also, it may be her body but is also your body. There ain't no magic that's going to let you change to suit the current front. If you yourself feel male and want to stay that way then hormones are a bad, bad idea.

Oh, and one last thing. My personal feeling on separate lovers for different personalities is that it is a bad idea that would, at best, work only temporarily.

Best of luck!

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

Oh, and one last thing. My personal feeling on separate lovers for different personalities is that it is a bad idea that would, at best, work only temporarily.

Do you mean for this situation, or in general? For many multiple systems that I know of, including mine, it's worked great. I'm nto sure I'd recommend it at the beginning of a marriage. It takes an extremely strong SO to handle that, I think!

Of course, we just married another multiple. Problem solved!

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

If two multiples are in a relationship where different personalities in each system pair up then go for it. That really is the best answer all round.

My feeling about separate lovers (bodies here, not personalities) is based on my understanding of human nature. Jealousy is instinctive. "My SO is sleeping around" is the cause of much heartache and even violence. Mess with instincts at your peril. They can be more powerful then you expect.

Its kind of like petting a tiger and expecting it to act like a house cat. A big thrill but don't be surprised when it takes your arm off.

Well, anyway, that is my take on it. I realize others disagree. What ever works is fine. Just be careful it really does work.

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

Eight years of polyamory as of Nov 21 says it does for us. Different strokes for different folks. We're in love with a multiple system on top of that, and they are in love with one of our husbands. :)

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

If two multiples are in a relationship where different personalities in each system pair up then go for it. That really is the best answer all round.

Not really. When you're involved with multiple people in their own bodies and you break up, the other can just leave, but if you're married and multiple people in both bodies are involved, what happens when two break up? They can't just pack up and leave because of all the other connections.

Jealousy is instinctive.

So is anger and fear but does that mean we have to act upon these feelings?

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

Not really. When you're involved with multiple people in their own bodies and you break up, the other can just leave, but if you're married and multiple people in both bodies are involved, what happens when two break up? They can't just pack up and leave because of all the other connections.

Exactly. Also, there is nothing like two people in the same system being jealous of one another! "What do you mean you're screwing him??? He's MY lover!" Gah. Thank god we're polyamorous internally too.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I've known two couples where each was a member of a multiple system (as you said, in their own bodies, not in-house relationships), who married and subsequently divorced. In neither case was there any problem. One couple remained good friends (they had two children and shared custody), while in the other.. well, they parted amicably as well, and the ex-wife actually did pack up and leave, back to her homeworld. Hasn't been seen since that I'm aware of. I realise that isn't possible for all systems, but I still believe that something can be worked out.

In our situation, and that of nearly every multiple we know personally, with only one exception, marriage to another multiple really has been the best answer.

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

Marriage to another multiple while helpful for us, in that he does understand us better than most singlets; however has added far more complications in that system members in his and my system cannot just leave so when there are conflicts, they have to be worked through else there will be discomfort for the ones no forced to be around each other when they would, if in their own bodies, simply have not seen each other again.
Add that onto the fact that limiting your dating options to other multiples decreases the chances of finding a compatable mate severely and that the likelihood of another system complementing your own is not too high, it's not always a practical solution either.
I am not saying that marriage to another multiple is a bad thing (after all my husband and I both are multiple), just that it is neither the only solution nor neccessarily the best.

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

My personal feeling on separate lovers for different personalities is that it is a bad idea that would, at best, work only temporarily.

What's your definition of temporary as we've made it work for several years.

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

To me, temporary means until a life changing event occurs such as moving (more than a few blocks), job change, pregnancy or anything that could change the dynamic. These events are hard enough when there is only one relationship. A web of relationships under these strains might be stronger or might be more places to break down.

Someone has moved. Getting together has become harder or easier and so it becomes less or more common. Not to mention the stress of moving. A Job change can have effects very similar to a move.

With pregnancy who are the parents, legally, morally and ethically? Does someone resent being put in the position of taking care of a child not there own? Does the pregnancy or presence of a child change how often and when there is intimacy?

Well that's my definition of temporary anyway.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Sounds to me like you might as well call everything temporary, including life itself. If that's your definition of temporary, then marriage between two individuals (however you wish to detail that) is a temporary arrangement. However, most people view it as a lifelong commitment, and don't generally think of it as temporary. Poly relationships aren't generally thought of as temporary (assuming we're talking about long term/marriage type ones anyway) for much the same reasons. It's not entered into with the intention of just dropping it whenever.

I'm really failing to see the difference between multiple relationships and a single relationship in terms of permenance, if these are your ways of defining 'temporary'.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

(note: I have nothing against people who couldn't be in a poly relationship. I just find it strange to view them as any more or less permenant than a 'traditional' dyad.)

?

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

With pregnancy who are the parents, legally, morally and ethically? Does someone resent being put in the position of taking care of a child not there own? Does the pregnancy or presence of a child change how often and when there is intimacy?

I've seen a few poly relationships which also involve kids. It looked to me like something that the people in the relationship would have to work out for themselves. Also, these questions have come up in more exclusive relationships. For example, what happens when you marry someone who already has kids.

In fact, none of those situations seem to exclusively affect non-monogamous relationships. How many soldiers go to war, and come back to find that the SO they thought would be waiting for them has "moved on"? Are they all poly?

--Me

Re: ?

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

None of the situations are unique to multiples. They just get more complex with multiple lovers. If one pair gains more time and intimacy at the expense of another pair, would that not cause envy, jealousy or resentment?

Re: ?

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

Of course, but that is what communication is for.

Re: ?

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

So what if someone feels jealous? I get angry at my husband all the time, but that doesn't mean I act upon it. In the same sense someone who gets jealous does not have to act on their feeling but figure out why they are feeling that way and fix the problem whether the problem be external or (and more often) internal.

Re: ?

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Aaaaand this is why I think poly relationships are 'doomed' to always fare *better* than monogamous ones. Because in monogamous ones people just seem to assume life will be peachy (because monogamous couples are *never* jealous, and there are *never* intimacy issues.), whereas in poly relationships people know right away, everything has to be talked about, feelings have to be made clear, nobody can just shuffle around and look uncomfortable and expect others to psychicly realise they're omguncomfortable and Need Love like many people (hey, myself included) often do.

There's more issues sometimes to deal with. It may be harder to find two Perfect Partners than to find one, sure sure, I'll give you that, but there being more issues IMO means people are far more *responsive* to those issues. I'd rather be in a relationship with somebody who understood polyamory and the needs behind it than somebody who was oblivious.

Re: ?

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

Umm... I'm fairly sure that I never stated "monogamous couples are *never* jealous" or anything like it. Finding a compatible lover, let alone a "Perfect Partner", is hard.

Have you, or anyone else on this board, lost relationships because a lover would not accept polyamory?

Re: ?

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Our fiance has been our partner since before we were multiple. We nearly lost him, but didn't. I had a girlfriend who found my own personal (rather than the physical) polyamory difficult to accept, but we didn't split up because of that.

I didn't mean to say you have explicitly said that. I was kind of using sarcasm for effect. Basically I was saying that a lot of monogamous people assume (often not conciously) that because they want it and the other person wants it it will mysteriously Work. I'm sure this naivety dissipates after a while. At least I hope so. I can't say my host would know. She skipped the 'dating' phase and went straight to finding a lifemate *shrug*.

Re: ?

[dacnomaniac.livejournal.com]

I know this is late, but I just wanted to jump in and note that relationships between poly and mono types are *incredibly* complicated. The poly person generally has instincts and desires that the mono person is not comfortable with, period, and the working-out phase usually ends up with the compromise unfairly slanted on the poly person's side. Right now I'm helping nurse two friends out of a breakup for that exact reason -- he's the strictest monogamist ever (inflexible bastid,) she's a very free poly... this was doomed from the beginning. I'm doing my best to keep my trap shut about that aspect and just put the liquid band-aid on the wounds, but still.

Personally, I know more people who've lost relationship opportunities for being mono than poly, but only because I run with monos more than polys. It most certainly runs both ways.

At your mention of 'jealousy', the whole thing with poly people is a distinct lack of jealousy for the most part. Not everyone but lots of them. The solution in that light is to pair-bond with lots of poly people instead of lots of mono people. Issue solved.

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

See, this arguement against polyamory has always bugged me because to be quite frank, monogamous relationships break down for all sorts of other reasons as well.
However, to the point, we've had multiple relationships survive moving, jobs changing, pregnancy (two of them actually) and a number of other serious life changes. It can work, if you make it work, but, as the divorce rates show, most people aren't willing to make their relationships work anymore.

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

um.. we can speak from experience on this one.. we've never lived close to two of our significant others. and truly we've moved slightly further away, we've changed jobs, basically in the last two months have completely changed our lives. We still are married, we still have very close bonds of love, trust and respect with our other partners. So polyamory can work.. and does, and in the long term situation.

Pregnancy- Parents are who raise the child. and who is to say that it has to be limited to the biological parents.. I know we each have different opinions of who would be the "parents" of whatever child this shell bore, so why should we limit the love that our child can grow up experiencing? Children change situations.. even with singleton parents in a monogamous relationship.. Where did you get the idea that having a child didn't?

-Gen

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

My personal feeling on separate lovers for different personalities is that it is a bad idea that would, at best, work only temporarily.

Hey, it works just fine for singlets. I haven't 'settled down' with anybody yet (bad luck over the years), but within certain rules for the comfort of the fiance, it's how we work. I'm hoping one day I'll find someone he's happy to have move in with us.

*grinz*

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Monogamy, it works for neither of us. ;)

--Me

[micchi.livejournal.com]

My personal feeling on separate lovers for different personalities is that it is a bad idea that would, at best, work only temporarily.

Hm. I see this has already been discussed, but it would seem I can't help myself.

I think I understand where you're coming from, but...on the same level, your position comes perilously close to breaking my heart. It's like you're saying that because I'm not the "owner" of this body, I shouldn't be allowed to love. It feels like, in such a situation...if my 'bonder adopted this line of thinking...and were I to find the one I love again...I'd never be able to express that love. To be held by him, to hold him, to lie with him as I desire to lie with him.

I'm not trying to tell you what you believe and feel and know. I'm simply stating, as an outsider, and going simply on this opinion presented...that view sounds patronizing. As if, while someone may believe other people are there, they don't have the same rights to basic things such as love as the "original" occupant of the body.

This is just how I feel. I trust you and your wife and your friend have discussed this at length and come to a solution that works for you...but please, I beg of you...don't thrust that solution on everyone. It's not what works best for us, for others...and it hurts to be made to feel as if I'm wrong for loving someone that my 'bonder doesn't.

--Aerith

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

If you find lovers that are understanding and accepting of multiples loving different people then you are truly blessed.

At what point does asserting one persons rights cross the line of infringing someone else's rights? (Yes, this cuts every which way.)

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

Yes, we are.

But how could you deny someone the right to love? It'd be like locking someone in a room.. or in a suit of metal and saying this is all you are allowed to do.. for most people living without love.. will eventually kill them.. babies die if they aren't held, comforted, .. LOVED. why deny it to someone else solely based on the fact they share a body with others.
How does being in a/many loving supportive relationships =infringing on rights? We have a right to express ourselves and live. We cooperate and discuss options, and we don't hide anything from any of our SOs. It'd be different if we were sneaking around.. or hiding what we did.. at least to us.. but we're not.
What is it they say.. my right to swing my fist stops at the tip of your nose. For us, telling someone in here that they could only love our SO.. or no one.. would be the equivalent of hitting them in the face hourly.. for as long as they survived. It would damage them, our stability as a house, and at least for several of them.. mean they would be emotionally destroyed very quickly.
Compare that to everyone in the house being/working on being healthy, our stability is the best it has been in years, and has continued to be, and people looking forward to seeing their respective significant others, and vice versa..
which would you choose?
-Micah

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

How is this different from every other aspect of a multiple's life? We have system members who would live off raw steak if given the chance and we have a member or two who are vegetarians and disgusted by the thought of eating meat. Do we force either to eat differently because the other is uncomfortable with how they eat? Of course not. We let each eat the way they wish, so long as they don't harm the body. I don't see why who they take as lovers should be any different. So long as the body is not harmed, why should it matter?

[micchi.livejournal.com]

At what point does asserting one persons rights cross the line of infringing someone else's rights?

At no point, if there's proper communication. This applies both internally AND externally.

When a new member surfaces/joins us, we lay out ground rules. We have to; I'm a bit of a median, so it's sort-of like a giant welcome sign. The body is shared. This means for all ventures...work, play, sleeping, eating, and most of all, love. If anyone inside has a problem with it...well, they're welcome to stay and rest a bit, but ultimately, for entities like that...we're more of a way-station. Our core group accepts and understand this. Not all of us are polyamorous, either...Aerith, for example, is monogamous.

When I get involved with anyone, I make it upfront and clear that I'm polyamorous, my body is shared with others, and that I have no right nor desire to tell them they're not allowed to be with who they want to. (There are, again, ground rules for this. We all want to protect the body itself, because jeez it's falling apart ENOUGH as it is!) I've met a surprising number of people who are okay with this.

It comes down, basically, to choice. It may not be fair to tell a singlet "Hey, my body may be used by more than just you," but it's infinitely less fair to tell an alter "hey, you can't physically love anyone else because our main fronter loves this dude/dudine." Both have the choice of leaving if they're not happy, but the singlet doesn't have to find an entirely new body if they leave.

--Micchi

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I'm with people saying that denying someone love is like punching them in the face constantly. I've *been* in that situation. It feels alright, until you actually find yourself falling for someone. Then it hurts like nothing else on Earth. Wanting somebody but not being able to because they're unavailable or don't like you? Hurts, but does not compare. Having to pretend you don't feel because some person you may not even be partnered with has issues, that is horrible.

Our fiance was monogamous. Was. We made it very clear to him once I was here that there was no way she had a desire to tolerate that happening to her headmate for the rest of her life. There are still some restrictions, but he has grown. Being monogamous isn't an unchangable situation, thank God.

His rights, IMO, end at the point they infringe *mine*. I have a right to love, to not live in pain. His right to a quaint monogamous relationship ended there. It was up to him to take it or leave it. We were offering him 'unlimited' time to adapt. It was a good deal.

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

As with all relationships, it is a right for either party to end it. If my wife, or more to the point her other personality, finds another lover that will be their choice. But for me, that ends the marriage. That will be my choice. All choices have consequences. These would be very painful.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I never implied otherwise. If our mate doesn't like that we won't stand for our own rights being trampled on, it's his right to fuck right off :P Basically.

I'd like to think that as with most polyamorous relationships, your wife or her headmate would not just 'find another lover'. It doesn't exactly work that way.

[vox-vocis-vita.livejournal.com]

As with all relationships, it is a right for either party to end it. If my wife, or more to the point her other personality, finds another lover that will be their choice. But for me, that ends the marriage.

It'd prolly be the same way for me. I'm completely monogamous in the earth world, and poly in our inner world. I can't be poly in the physical world at least not in a physical sense. I'm more than capable of being in love with more than one person at a time, and maybe wishing I could be with all of them, but I only want to be with one person physically.

My husband is also monogamous, so aside from my random crushes on other people, we have no real issues. However. The girl in his system is poly. I never worry about her going out and finding someone else cause she limits herself to online relationships only. When people get into relationships with her they know (or I would assume they know if they know the truth about her) that it will be a permanent long distance relationship. They will never meet, they will never "fall in love" outside of the internet. And that seems to work for her.

Works for me too cause I don't have to worry about anything ruining my marriage. Though there for a while I was getting ticked off at her for even having online relationships, especially if there was cyber sex involved, cause its my husband that had to type all that shit out for her cause she didn't front to type it herself.

[micchi.livejournal.com]

It's much like my 'bonder treats her polyamory...it's not that she goes out seeking new people to love, but if one comes along, she doesn't feel it's right to deny herself that, to supress it until it becomes a raw, infected sore spot and causes problems in her existing relationship.

Me, I've fallen so hard, I don't think anyone at all could turn my world back rightside-up. If I find him again, I find him. If I don't...well, 'tis better to have loved and lost, right?

--Aerith

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

When P married, her husband was initially fine with Erik. Erik began to have feelings for him, and suddenly sever homophobia surfaced. He said Erik pretty much had to go or the relationship /with P/ was over. Erik was kind enough to leave and... well, P mourned. Erik came back years later, at her request, because she felt like a part of her own heart was missing, not because they were the same person, but because they were that close. For everyone to live together, things needed to be negotiated with the husband and with Erik.

In my opinion, you need to talk to your SO about what has happened and get her take on it. Is she okay with your head-mate still being around, even after the break up. If she is, then you might want to talk to Annabelle and see if she'll come back. She might not. My belief is that head-mates are people, and you can't make people stay. You three were essentially a triad and now you're a duo and third wheel. In situations like that, the third wheel sometimes wants to leave, no matter how much you love and need them. In that case, I think all you can do is really offer them their space and encourage them to come back when and if they're ready.

Good luck to you.

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

First off, given you see this as a purely psychological thing, then you probably have the understanding that neither of you can really go away as there is nowhere to go. You both form very real parts of that body's pysche and are both important to it. That having been said, is it really fair to expect Annabelle to be okay with this? It seems to me, from the way you view this, there will always be some level of conflict as you are most certainly male and she most certainly female. There are things that could be done to compromise though that might help.
We view our system in a very different way and so, for me to choose to marry (and had I wanted be monogamous) isn't what we consider to be unfair. Just about everyone here has their own identity separate of the body, theri own memories and life which was theirs, whereas this one is mine. Still, we've often found that others here would choose to pursue relationships now. We are fortunate to be married to an open-minded (and also multiple) man who understands this. My husband and I chose to practice polyamory and since our relationship is already open, others within our systems are already free to seek other relationships. Perhaps the same could work for Annabelle?

It's a sticky situation.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

It's also one that isn't alien to us. She's in a relationship with someone, and I'm not. This is in a large part due to the fact that I'm a lesbian.

He and I have a long-standing friendship. It's actually really complicated to explain, and not really something I care to discuss publicly. Anyway, although I don't think it's easy by a long shot, it certainly seems possible, given the number of examples I have seen. We've dealt with situations in which it works, and in which they do not.

It's key, at least in my opinion, to let her know that you care about her, and that the SO still cares about her as well, if as a friend. It will help keep her from feeling like a third wheel. Not to sound cliche or anything, but communication, in general, is also important if you want this to work out.

At any rate, do you have any specific concerns. I've addressed the ones I've noticed, but I'm not certain I understand all of them. For example what boneheaded choices you are worried about? Are you reconsidering the engagement itself?

--Me
PS: On terminology: I rate level-headedness on how the person comes by their beliefs, or how they deal with incidents which disrupt them, not the beliefs themselves. I mean, it doesn't matter how skeptical someone is, if they are prone to spazzing out, they aren't level-headed. No offense, but when trying to assess how level-headed someone is, I don't take anyone's word for it.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

This body is legally married to another, one in our group did marry nearly 10 years ago and she no longer fronts. We are still with this individual, but the relationship is not in a marriage-type way, if that makes sense. We are all close friends with him and care about him a great deal, but no one in our group is in a romantic relationship with him. The majority of our group's personal relationships are within our own group because we have yet to find other solutions.

Amalah

[ramlatch.livejournal.com]

Odd situation. My last relationship, the elf loved messing around with the boy, but that's because the elf leans towards being very very much interested in other males, so for the most part he liked that, and was the one who would do all the sexual stuff while I did the actual talking/intellectual/emotional interactions. He liked it, preferred it, didn't really want to actually have to deal with the the boyfriend on a non sexual basis, and I was fine with it because I was still trying to get used to sexual stuff because I was at the time finally coming to terms with sexual abuse i'd suffered in the past.

I'm used to loving people and not being loved in return, so is the elf, I'm not sure what kind of advice I could offer you two, but honestly your fiance should not feel any kind of obligation to love the person you share your mind with.

The elf over time has had very intimate personal relationships with others who live with other people, and I've found that it worked very well for him, it allowed him to visit them often and be visited without burdening me with any physical travel.

[micchi.livejournal.com]

The best way to avoid anything bone-headed is communication. Communicate early, communicate often. Too much communication is almost enough. All three of you.

We've been in something of the same situation, a few times...it all comes down to coming to an understanding. And it may be best for Annabelle to retreat when your SO is around, for a little while. Let her go out on her own, give her a little freedom (within reason...).

But most of all, communicate. Find out what Annabelle needs to be comfortable returning back to Business As Usual...find out what your SO is thinking and feeling, as well. She sounds like a beautiful person, and she may be feeling guilty or upset over the situation as well. Express your own feelings and needs. Find out what's going to be your best compromise for all people involved.

And best of luck to you, your SO, and Annabelle. I feel for all of you on this.

--Mitzi's thoughts, transcribed by Mel.

I am sorry

[cat-in-a-tree.livejournal.com]

It was not my intent to spark controversy or change the topic of a thread that was supposed to be about Ash1977law and Annabelle. I am sorry.

Re: I am sorry

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Chatter and debate happens. It wouldn't be a 'community' if it didn't. Don't apologise. The original post isn't gone and people still can and will reply to it (and any replies the OP makes)

Re: I am sorry

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

But I don't think you /did/ change the topic. Most of the people who have put in their two cents on what you said have also commented on what Ash said. And really, doesn't the discussion of polyamory directly apply not only to Ash's situation but to all multiples? Polyamory means "loving more than one," but for a multiple it is a case of "more than one loving!"

Re: I am sorry

[annabellelaw.livejournal.com]

It's ok - chatter kind of happens