How to Deal?

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

I guess it's bound to happen, but... still. Undergoing a lot of hurt because the man I loved... disappeared? Hard to explain. But his (for lack of a better term) "host" ended up coping? Not needing him anymore? So he's gone. Is this normal? I hope this doesn't offend anyone, I just wanted any answers or... something, I guess. Thanks.

~Frag

Comments

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

what do you mean when you say he's gone? where did he go? Kes

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

Wherever it is integrated people go, I'm guessing.

And it's not "bound to happen." I'm told Integration is natural, even necessary, for some systems, but it's always struck me personally as a pretty awful thing. I dunno, maybe his system is different, but around here giving someone the axe just because they've outlived their usefulness as a coping mechanism would be Not Cool. It's certainly not inevitable.

Johnny

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

maybe he moved somewhere else or to another realm or another group. Kes

[fadingtogrey.livejournal.com]

It happens. There was a post about a similar situation a while back, with some discussion; you can read it here. (http://community.livejournal.com/multiplicity/593597.html)

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :D

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Which do you mean, when you ask is "this" normal? You mean the one you loved disappearing because he apparently wasn't needed any more? Or your feelings about his being gone? (In either case, yes these things are "normal" in that they have happened to other people before -- I think this is part of what you're really asking.) Stop worrying about offending people. These are all legitimate questions and you have as much right to ask them as anybody else.

I would want to ask: Have you talked about this to the fellow who was doing the hosting? How did he view your friend -- as a split-off part of himself (you mentioned "coping"), as a walk-in, or some other kind of separate person, a spirit visitor, etc.

How does he describe your friend's departure? Does he have a sense that this man has departed, as in, is gone someplace else, absent, no longer there? Or does he say something like "I feel like [name] is still here, he's part of me"? (which is more like integration)

How did your friend feel about you? Did he love you or just a friend? Did he maybe think you wouldn't miss him, or was it not his choice to leave?

If it's a true integration chances are very good that the man you care about will be back. From everything we've read and seen online and off, most integrations don't usually last. (We've seen 2 that did)

If he really is departed, absent, etc., he might also come back. We've had people leave and come back weeks, months or years later, and we've heard this from other people. The problem is you don't know how long it will take. It wouldn't be a good idea to put your life on hold waiting for him unless you're sure he was Mr. Right and no one else could ever mean as much to you -- you know. But if it was me, I'd be patient for a while and see if he did come back. Don't noodge the man who was hosting for him too much, but ask him if it is possible to kind of send out a message (to I don't know -- the cosmos? wherever your friend has gone?) that just says "[name] I love you, I miss you & I hope to see you again."

Plus the guy who was hosting for him might miss him too and try to call him back.

Love is love. It doesn't matter whether he is (or was) in a shared body with someone else or not -- he is a person and you care about him. It's a very sad thing to have happen, him disappearing like that.

(Note: I am not against integration, none of us are, what we are against is the idea that being multiple is always a thing that is sick and multiples are required to integrate to be healthy.)

Nick

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a bunch... yeah, i was more asking if it was normal as in has it happened b4, but thank yu for all your concern.

She had been faking it the whole time. because she wanted 2 understand us so she pretended 2... have voices/spirits/personalites, or whatever, when n the end she admitting to making it all up, and the man i fell in love with, who, turns out not 2 be there at all, something made up, is gone. That's what happened. and now I feel like such an idiot for believing her.

But luckily my friend Nam is helping me deal with it. And he ended up telling me he liked me, and he's a really nice guy and doing a good job of making me feel a whole lot better about myself...

Thanks for the lengthy reply. :D

How to deal

[our-menagerie.livejournal.com]

Not sure if this will help but figured Id share it just in case. There were several points at which everyone here considered integrating into me. Partly because the sense of purpose they each started out with no longer existed, and partly because we have realized that a lot of things we thought were trauma based were actually not. There was a time when I felt so strongly that the only way I could be "whole" was for everyone else to ingtegrate, and I thought it would help me cope better on a daily basis and overall things may be better.

Several people in here have relationships with people in another mulitple system. They of course dont ever want anyone here to intgrate. The irony of it is that most of the other system was integrated in the past before we knew them and the ones who are there now were either in hiding/hibernation or have come back somehow. There was a reason that whole system was intgrated so what I asked them was...If you had known me back then would you not have integrated just because I didnt want you to even if you knew it was what was best for yourself(ves)? Now that I think of it, I never did get an answer but the question wasnt intended in a mean way.

I dont know how "normal" it is would depend on different factors like depending if you asked people on this comm or if you asked psychological professionals you would probably get two completely different sides. Problem is as much as we all like to say we would never integrate anyone, it does happen. Not to give you false hope or anything but from what Ive seen both online and in RL, integrations coming apart is much more common than the ones that stick. Im sorry you had to go through this.

~sj

Re: How to deal

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

Thank you. ur information did help, and I greatly appreciate it.

Things r getting a bit better, tho. My friend Nam is helping me a lot.

[blindgod.livejournal.com]

Hey dude!!
No it don't matter! Are you a multiple?
Now I'm gonna try to understand this!
I don't know how to encourage in any way cuz I was in love with the "host".
However, I could've easily seen my self in love with some of her "alters". So when they integrated or left I was somewhat sadened!
Its imposible to find another person who's the same!!
Peace Blindgod and the best of luck with getting through!

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

You do what you can to manage.. the host may be coping, but he may not be gone .. he may be either sleeping, or working on something.. or hiding for a bit.. we do that at times.. especially if he was primary during a stressful time.. he may need a break.. or something needed his attention. Don't count on him being gone..

Is it normal for people to stop interacting out here.. it can be.. one of our former primaries.. is still mostly comatose most of the time.. others of us.. tend to take breaks.. or need time away from the body for whatever reasons

no offense taken.. it happens..

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately... the problem was the "host" was faking the entire time, felt guilty, then confessed that she was. So, he can't evern come back, and technicallt wasn;t there 2 begin w/.

But thank you...

[fraginfairy.livejournal.com]

...Thank you. ^^

[kaijugirl.livejournal.com]

I could tell you the long long painful story of the man I loved and how he moved from his previous 'host' (a girl who is a good friend of mine and has several people) to live with me. I won't do it here, though, but suffice to say I think I certainly understand since much of that, I went through myself, and though it took me a year or more to fully cope with the ramifications of it... in the end I believe we are better for it.. anyway if it's something you'd like to talk about further, I'd be willing.