Questions about being the main fronter or whatever the terminology is.

[toobsok.livejournal.com]

You may guess that this is pretty obviously a sockpuppet journal. I'm not really out about being multi at all, except with a few people, and didn't really want to join with my journal or with somebody else's journal. I've read here before, once in a while, but never really followed it.

I just kind of really need some advice, and this seemed as good a place as any to get it.

The "original" or the "main fronter" or whatever has never been a sterling example of How To Be A Well Adjusted Human and she's been getting worse the last couple of months and last night everything kind of went to hell and -- well, nothing's broken but meltdowns at work just aren't feasible and she agreed that maybe being front isn't working for her right now. She's gone for now, in the inner world or the astral or, I dunno, whatever it is you go to.

And I've been covering for her a lot at work and stuff, and I like her roommates and her friends, and I'm more stable than most of the people in here, so I sort of got nominated to be the new front-guy-whatever. It's weird because suddenly I've got access to a lot of things I didn't (or maybe I just didn't care about before) like almost all the memories and stuff like that.

I spent most of today (aside from, you know, thanksgiving dinner) getting comfortable, cleaning up, and redecorating the bedroom a bit. Tomorrow I'll go to work, but I've been doing a lot of that anyway. I'm just... there's a lot of little things I'm wondering about. I mean, the people we're out to call me by my first name... would it be presumptive of me to use it as a "nickname" with new people we meet? I like my name, but it's not really anything like the body's. Is it rude of me to clean out some of the crap she's got? I wouldn't get rid of, like, journals or letters or stuff, but there's a lot of books and legos and little toys and stuff we don't have room for. I'm thinking about moving her altar stuff into the closet because my religious leanings aren't really in the same zip code as hers either.

Basically, I guess, I'm wondering what the easiest way to make this body and this life feel like "mine" is, and whether I even should. And yeah, I know a big answer to that is going to be "It's up to you" but pretend I know that and answer anyway? Thanks. General advice, thoughts and suggestions from people who've been in similar situations would also be appreciated.

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

... If you don't have permission, I personally wouldn't touch her belongings. But that's because we here would go fucking batshit nuts if anybody fucked with our stuff, headmate or otherwise, and that includes moving it (especially 'woowoo stuff'). But, uh, that's just us ^^

You could use it as a nickname, but again I recommend permission because... well, that *could* take some explaining? Otherwise people will use body names and nicknames when not applicable, but they won't know any better.

I'm guessing the easiest way is to be yourself as much as you can without messing it up for everybody else. That's all any of us can ever do. I buy and move and wear things and use names as we all agree I can. That way I get plenty of freedom, but don't mess it up, don't spend money that was aside for something else, or confuse a new aquaintance, etc.

[toobsok.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but she's kinda gone so it's hard to ask. I see your point about doing the best you can, though.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

If she's gone... honestly, be careful. I wouldn't do anything not reversable. I know things would go to all hell here if someone 'came back out' to find something gone or permenantly changed. This is us, YMMV. I figure you'll know how likely she is to get upset or stressed over stuff being gone.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Seconded. We've actually had that experience. Among other things, a somewhat difficult to find comic of mine ended up in the back of the car for an extended period. It was absolutely destroyed. We're chill about it now, but things like that can cause feelings of resentment if you're not careful.

--Me

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

We have people around who have not been out in many many years. For example we so wish
we had more of little A's stuff. He seemed gone - but now that we have found him we
treasure his time out.

The strangest one who came out was the person we were before we transitioned and had
gender change surgery. He left once he was happy that the change was underway - then
came back just a few months ago. He was astounded at the changes and the work we do but
he was PISSED that we let the body get out of shape.

Couple of suggestions

[worldnamer.livejournal.com]

1. Don't throw anything away. If you have to clean up, make sure to store what you're moving until such time as you have explicit permission to toss it (or, if that doesn't happen, at least until a few years go by.)

Religious stuff is a double caution on that. It would be best to store stuff in a box and be extra considerate about it. Also keep in mind that a sudden change of religion is one of those things that people tend to notice, so it may behoove you to keep up pretenses for a little while.

2. Nicknames are great and all, but without being out about being multiple (and I hear you on that - I'm about as out as you are) you'd be better off getting used to a new name. You might be better served with a haircut / new clothes - these are changes that people can accept and yet go a long way to reassuring one's identity.

3. I'd say that you should feel comfortable making changes to your life to accomodate your preferences, as long as you don't do anything irreversable. A tatoo, for instance, is really the kind of thing you should discuss with your head-mates. On the other hand, putting up a poster of your favorite band probably isn't.

[isshindenshin.livejournal.com]

How long do you think she'll be gone? I mean, is this a case of "house-sitting for the week," or will you be staying for years? I think you have to judge it similarly. We've changed fronts here, and when Padders and Erik started moving on we had to make similar decisions. Luckily we switched rooms in the house when our lovers moved in, so we were able to redecorate at that time without really hurting their feelings. We just packed things gently away, and explained why on one of their infrequent visits.

I hope you don't mind if I ask you a question, though. How are you going to feel if she comes back and starts packing all /your/ stuff away? Maybe that will help you put it in some perspective.

Me, they'd have to pry front from my cold dead fingers. ;)

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

I love your journal name and your icon - it shows a great sense of humour which
is important for everyone.

--- Marina and Constance of Mtribe

[asterism.livejournal.com]

I'd agree with not doing anything with the altar for now. That's a sign you might not want to send out, at least not now along with other changes that are happening. And I also agree that you shouldn't throw anything away (well, other than the most obvious of trash).

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

our advice, take it slow.. you can do some pretty serious changes over time.. slowly.. that would send off major alarm bells for singletons if done in the short term, specially when it comes to faith, names, and well body changes.

Go with a haircut.. if you're in a female body and like it, manicure/pedicure in colors you like (I've had them done in all black and silver several times), find jewelry, clothing that fits You..You'd be amazed how much having a necklace or a bracelet/anklet that you can feel or touch can help, or a favorite jacket/hoodie, shirt.. something.. If your faith is different, wear a symbol from it under your clothes for now.. if people see it.. say you're considering changing.. As far as names, if there are other souls with you, try and come up with a usename people can agree to.. that way it isn't the body's name.. and it isn't your name.. so other souls there can use it without upsetting anyone... (we're big for normalflage, at times)

As for what was left behind.. treat them with respect.. but like other people have said.. leave the altar up for now.. if it's a difference between say pagan and christian.. maybe add a picture of jesus to it.. or Mary, or saints if you're catholic.. for some pagans.. reverence for teachers, is reverence.. regardless of the faith tradition the teacher comes from.but do it slowly.. The previous primary may just be overwhelmed.. and need a break.. learning new things. one of our former primaries takes little "vacations" fairly often..

Cleaning stuff up

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

If you can, I recommend storage. We've both had experiences where either by accident or negligences, something belonging to one of us was lost by the other. It is a rather annoying experience.

--Me