[identity profile] hiddenhikari.livejournal.com
So, this is Kayla, the host, speaking right now. I just got out of my third hospitalization where a doctor told me that I 'don't follow specific characteristics of people with multiple personalities or with dissociative identity' and said that because I can communicate with my other personalities it means that its all just my imagination and that I made it up a long time ago and have pretending for so long that it's become real. He also said that because I've never been abused that there's pretty much no way I'm MPD/DID. He basically forced me to tell him that they were all just my imagination with the threat of going to a residential treatment facility. After lying through my teeth and saying that I made it all up, he put me on some serious medication because even though he thinks its just my imagination he wants to treat me for the voices anyway. So now I can't hear them at all. None of them. Even the good ones that help me. And none of them can front or anything. I can't see them any more in my head either. Its like their whole world is just...gone. I don't know what to do with myself...
Has anyone else ever had a doctor tell them this? Or ever had this happen to them?

UPDATE: I'm gonna go ahead and answer a few of the questions and things that have been brought up and offered to me real quick.
1. Thank you all so much for you help and support! It's nice to know that at least SOMEONE doesn't think I'm a liar...
2. I do not have to see that doctor ever again. He was just the doctor for the hospital I was in at the time and not my real doctor. But he is the second doctor that's told me that same story and my real doctor barely gives me the time of day...
3. I don't need to wean myself off the drugs because the doctor is weaning me off them. After I 'admitted' that I had 'lied' he said he would slowly take me off the Risperdole or something like that, I can't spell all these crazy drug names so I just sounded that out haha
4. One specific personality, Sophie, does self-harm and is the whole reason I got sent to that hospital in the first place. TRIGGER WARNING She tried to hang herself in the school bathroom and got mobile crisis called. I've seen crisis pretty much once a week for a couple months now and none of them believe me either. Anyway, while I was at the hospital but before my doctor threatened me, I politely called Sophie out on her self-harm/suicide attempts, Shell on her bingeing/purging, Samuel on his... psychotic behaviors, and Alex on her just plain bitchyness. The whole system was upset we had to go back to the hospital and the four trouble makers finally agreed not to get in the way of living my life. When I tried to tell my doctor that they had agreed not to hurt me anymore he looked me blankly in the face and said "I do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth." I was crushed. I bawled my eyes out because I just got the difficult ones to finally cooperate and now I was being told that it didn't even matter. So I'm hoping that once the doctor takes me completely off the medication they'll slowly come back. Even after one day without the medicine (because my parents haven't picked up my refill yet) I already got a little bit of communication with two of them again. Lizzy said that they didn't leave me, the medicine just made them all very tired.

I'll update again once my doctor gets me completely off the new medicine and let everyone know if our system goes back to normal. It's been really helpful to hear that so many other people know what I'm going through!

Also, it's a little strange that the doctor there knew so little about MPD/DiD considering there was a girl in the hospital with me who was actually diagnosed DiD, but she had a completely opposite kind of system than mine. She only new three or four of their names, she didn't hear them talk to her, and when she would switch no one could even tell. It seemed like she didn't switch one time all week, whereas I was switching a bunch of times a day.

So I saw my therapist yesterday (a good one, that actually believes me and stuff) and after I told him everything that happened he was like "That douchebag..." and was super apologetic about what happened to me there. Then we started talking about why everyone left the headspace. The doctor at the hospital said it was because "I finally told the truth" but I thought it was the medication. My therapist thinks everyone was just scared I was going to make them all leave and we both agreed that we wouldn't try to get rid of them, and we would focus on making sure that if I need to, I can take back control if one of them goes back on what they promised. And we agreed not to talk to my parents about any of this because my dad is super against the thought of me being a multiple, he's against me being different in any way at all...oh well though, as long as I know my therapist believes me and we're on the same page with where we want to go with this, I can see a silver lining after all! He said he might want to keep me on the medicine after all because apparently its just for stabilizing my mood, not getting rid of the voices, which just promotes his thought that the others were just scared. I've been trying to reopen communication with them, telling them that they are real and not to believe what that mean doctor said and stuff and telling them that our therapist believes in them. I've started hearing about five of them again. So far I've gotten back Jack, Lizzy, Shell, Alex, and Logan. Maybe in time the others will return too.
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting on my story and being so helpful about help getting off the medicine (which I don't need to do anymore thankfully!) and just giving me a kind word and believing me! It's really been helpful, but after that session yesterday I think things are really going to work out after all :) 
[identity profile] visionaree.livejournal.com
Hello we are in therapy with goals to intergrate fully without silent partners. We are experiencing some great deal of resistance to therapy would really appericate some knowledgable insight from someone whom has own system with concerns of sra complications without giving misconception of interest in sra. Our system is considered complex and complicated with aggressive tendencies toward intergration; aithough, most of us desire to stick it out in therapy until the end. We know that it is what we want becauses a few have tasted the sweet bitterness of the hardest have ever put into anything in this world. Intergration isn't threatening to us anymore, and maybe even in one of us the vision has always been there of coming together by her light we see the path that ends with our healing. We are not interested in mere chit chat or friends to shoot the shit with, but are hoping to find this cite as a resource . We have enough friends and foes within this desperate mind to fill a stadium. May God send an angel guide here. ANYONE WHOM IS OFFENDED PLEASE WE ARE JUST DEDICATED TO HEALING AND FAMILY INSIDE AND OUT, AND THAT IS ALMOST TOO MUCH AT THIS POINT. (I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY!)
[identity profile] blue-bullet.livejournal.com
Uh, well, hello! :D; New to this community, and things like that. ^^;

We are a multiple system, and...I'm bad at introductions. We're pretty big, considering. But alot of people who are "here" don't come to the front often. We've been loosely calling ourself an 'open system', where people can come and go as they please. Some people stay, others drop by, then leave. High traffic, oftenly. >__> But it makes things interesting.

We found this community by journal hopping, so made an account to join (because if we joined on the other account, we'd get some raised eyebrows from people ;-;).

Oh! Sorry, um, my name is Ticker, though just commonly Tick. >__> And I come bearing questions!

We've been (officially) a system for maybe two years now, due to constant denial and constantly thinking "OHEMGEE DID is bad!", but yeah..those thoughts passed, we opened our arms to everyone and were like "Hey! Hell with that!". People'd been lurking around here long before, but you know..

But two things: One is that, lately, we've been having trouble communicating Inside and Out. It's like there's a screen between the two, and only little pieces of residual are getting through, and we can't See clearly. D: And we were wondering if anyone has had something like this happen before, and if anyone has any idea of how to, I guess, remove that screen?

It also makes people going In and Out difficult, and there've been times when people who aren't comfortable being Out from long periods of time, being sort of "Stuck".

The second thing, is that we have Schizophrenia, on top of this (though the Schizophrenia is troublesome, whereas this is not). I don't know if it's really a body-oriented thing, or if the er..host (? I don't know what else to call Her >__>) has it and it's just filtering through. But regardless, it's there, and it makes things really unstable and confusing (thankfully, it isn't severe, but it has..er..grown in the past year).

So we were wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation with that, or not. Because honestly, we want to go to a Psychiatrist and get medication for it (we haven't seen our Psychiatrist in a few years, which was originally only for anxiety. But he diagnosed us with Schizophrenia and WAS going to prescribe us medicine, but we declined and hadn't gone back since~), but we don't know how the medicine would effect us as a whole, what it would do, or anything like that.

Thank you for your help, everyone who may reply, and thank you for even reading! >__> :D

- Ticker
[identity profile] matrexsvigil.livejournal.com
Just wanted to let people know that with the help of a friend's wife (who is a physical therapist and friends with a lot of health care professionals) I found several places that offer free or sliding scale payment health care. Thanks to all those that offered their Googlefu. =)

Hmm. Wish I had more to say to this community. Shy, I guess. -wanders away.-


--"Off the Pink."--
[identity profile] redrainstorm.livejournal.com
I went into therapy very vague today, telling her "there's so much about me that you don't know about, and it's so important to understand who I am, but I don't know how to talk about it". I got so nervous I went into a panic attack pretty much. She put on soft music, and let me sit in a comfy chair to relax and do some deep breathing. I finally just broke down. So, I told my new counselor today that I'm multiple and there are close to 50 members that are near the front... with only about 5 being regularly switching out right now. She took it well... She had a friend that was multiple with 3 or 4 personalities... She's also very against integration unless the client sees it as somehow beneficial...
I just worry because I feel like... she sees them as just other parts of me... just pieces of personality... I emphasized many times how we're separate people and not just a split off of me (the one with the name on the birth certificate). How can I make this absolutely clear to her so that we're not going in 15 sessions later with her believing that those I am with are simply just me providing a "role" or an emotion?
[identity profile] stealthdragon.livejournal.com
I've certainly got more experience with that than engineering.

What brings it up is that I'm going through the psych. evaluation process again, in order to get disability services for ADD from the college I'm going to. (I moved cross-country on short notice last year, and the previous psychologist seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.) So it's back to monitoring every little thing I say about the inside of my headspace, and having to somehow make it seem like I'm not.

I suspect that the stress is blocking me off from my brainmates; I haven't heard from them for more than a week now. (Or maybe I've just pissed them off, but I doubt it. Neither is the sort to use the 'silent treatment' against anyone.)

Can't wait to get this over and done with.

- Kathru, alone


Aug. 18th, 2006 03:32 pm
[identity profile] redrainstorm.livejournal.com
We're going to be filling out paperwork to get in to see a counselor. I have a lot of issues going on besides the multiplicity that just simply need to be addressed. I also have others that wish to be heard about their problems as well as we progress in counseling. But, one of the reasons I've put off counseling is my fear that once I do open up about being multiple - they'll write me off as crazy or a liar. I know that I won't say anything until I feel that I'm comfortable enough to share it with my counselor. My fear is - when the time comes - how to bring it up with them. Does anyone have any advice to share?
[identity profile] jadedmosaic.livejournal.com
Hi All,

Its Shelby,

This much I know Tiea has been practically comotose . We went to OUR session but Tiea did not show .

We questioned T and were sent home from work with threat of being sent on to new T with complete records discharged to new Supervising Counsler and possibility of losing oppurtunity to do Emergency Intake ( which is the part of the job we do best and are paid most and Health benifit package is in but be demoted to Intake) . This guy is turning on us and definatly defensive .

We have always been able to talk Toni started which is never good and mentioned we did a internal assesment and there is NO tracer holding out or ISH but Toni felt if there was a ISH she could be it .

We agreed Tiea should remember in her own time cause we were not into merging memories and emotions , they should be her own , and she is Not even waking up she ,is exhasted but we've all been physcally ill with a Lupua Flare up she is the weakest physically . We tend to what the T cals revolve when ill we call it getting stuck .

Toni just out of her mouth comes "Well we feel we need a break from sessions " So of course , T says "I realize were getting close to a deep breakthrough and your all running scarred but hiding is not the answer . " "You were all craeted to help Tiea live and you may be feeling Threatened , but you will all still be with Tiea Maria just in a new way a better whole more full way a brighter world will open for you ."

We all sat there talikng inside arguing and out of nowhere Joe goes "Your keeping the girls sick, thinking about the past. Were comming in to speak of only job related stuff cause were not sick " Like he said it mean and invaded T personal space and was pointing at his chest . So we were told to punch out early and come back when we had a better attitude. We've never been so humiliated and Tiea is just sleeping away ( totally hiding ). We had a home visit to do so it was no big big deal. But the T is talking to us like we are not people again . Or small children who do not understand what he is saying . Then " wheres my hug before you leave " " Remember we dont leave mad at one another"to me and Toni Jade patted his back with a quick hug and we left as he smiled Geeez whiz.

Its so cold we could use some coaco with mini marshmellows, I want to drink it and jump in bed for a group hug and shake Tiea awake. We knew he would not take it well but Joe made it worse that was not the way we planned to handle any of this .

So of course Marty and Joe surprised us co fronters with a bouquet of wildflowers from the Market ... we can never stay mad at them . I swear I am willing to say "Oh yes I am the almighty "tracer " if Markey does not beat me to it just to have peace Feeling like sellouts Peace & Blessings,
, Shelby
Oh my gosh the sky was beautiful today a complete line between white and pure blue a line , looked like we were driving into the ocean . We imagine it looks that way on the West coast , at least it was a pretty drive home . PS my mood ring just went from bright blue to grey/green , does anyone remember what the colors mean?
[identity profile] calliopeaurora.livejournal.com
Hi Everyone
I've been lurking in the background for a couple of weeks just testing the waters.
My therapist has diagnosed me as DID and has had conversations with someone in me. I'm struggling to accept it. Parts of me are embracing it. I don't really remember the whole session very well apart from being there. I see "pictures" of people that are inside of me but i can't ever focus on them. Does anyone else have that?
Many occasions i seem to "switch" and it is noticeable and i know in myself that i have done it. I thought everyone was like this but i know different.
Anyway, i lose memories and forget things often but when i concentrate hard enough (and get a headache) the memory or thing i was trying to remember just hits. Does that happen to anyone else?
I've gotten a headache just writing this and visiting. I get them when i lurk and just look stuff up on MPD/DID.
Thanks if you can help.

Calliope :)
[identity profile] darkest-art507.livejournal.com
I joined this community several months ago and this is my first post here. Please take me seriously I’m in dire need of help. First of all, I have been diagnosed with DID, PTSD, depression and self injury issues. I’m a survivor of long term childhood sexual abuse and I have been in therapy since 1990 dealing with everything. Currently I’m in therapy at a free sexual assault crisis center. My problem is that since it’s a center for victims of sexual assault they won’t put a diagnosis on my mental problems. My current therapist is even reluctant to acknowledge the possibility that I have multiple personalities. But anyone who is around me for any length of time picks up on it rather quickly. I am a multiple and I always have been one.
My mate and I have been together for going on 26 years now and we’re on the verge of breaking up because of my multiplicity. I’m on the brink of losing it because of everybody inside me getting out of control. My life is in total shambles because I can’t keep myself mentally together enough to work a regular job. In the past I had her support and understanding but now that is ending. In the past I worked when I was able, but now I’m totally nonfunctional.
I just can’t keep things together enough to hold a job. Has anyone else ever been unable to hold a job for any length of time because of their multiplicity?

I was wondering if I should seek help at another mental health center where I have to pay for their services. Maybe then my multiplicity will be finally addressed? I really have to get it under control because it’s wrecking my life. In the past my multiplicity helped me to function but now it’s a hindrance. Lately I have been losing track of time. Sections of my life are blacked out and I’m unable remember what went on. In the past it was as if I was watching somebody else living my life. There are times in my life where I can’t remember anything at all about what went on, I have no memory what so ever. But they had a clear beginning and end to them. But mostly, I’m sort of aware when another person is out. But I can’t do anything to change what they are doing. But like I said, recently I have had a total loss of time and I’m really scared that I’m losing it. Right now, I’m Cynthia she is the one who more or less decides who needs to be out in order to function. In attempt to be a singular by my core personality, I have been suppressed or kept inside for five or six months. Right now in our lives everything is in shambles.

What I was wondering, should I seek help for the DID and MPD somewhere else where they will take it seriously? Is there some kind of medication that I could be put on to stop or at least slow down the personality changes? Can all of this be brought under control or am I just hopelessly screwed up mentally? Please take me seriously, I’m not faking this, it really is wrecking my life.
[identity profile] thisslideup.livejournal.com
My therapist finally hit the nail on the head. After about 6 months of trial and error, process of elimination theories (You have problems with your mother, you don't have enough of a social life, you enjoy depression, you're just really imaginative) he finally hit the nail on the head.

A disassociative disorder!

I felt like whapping him upside the head.

He basically decided early on that I was not schizophrenic at all, and, because of that, never gave any of the "serious problem" theories a chance. He completely ignored the fact that I could have even a mild disassociative case.

All of the signs pointed to yes. I've struggled for quite some time now about whether I am a multiple or not (and came to the conclusion that, well, not that much of one, if anything). I often experience most of the symptoms of sleep paralysis, and explain in great detail to him all of my minor out of body experiences (a sensation of being stretched like a Stretch Armstrong doll, or sinking out of my body to about a foot behind myself, or being unable to move my arms or legs at will, or hearing voices and music and seeing things, feeling at a constant distance from the world, forgetting large chunks of my day, separating my emotions into four distinct personalities).

If I were my therapist, I would fire myself for being totally unobservant.

Of course, I totally didn't want to say to him, "hey, look, this is what I have", because I am a lousy teenage girl with a few too many psychology courses under her belt who thinks she knows what's going on and is therefore suspect when she diagnoses herself with something because she could just be faking it.

Or at least, if I were my therapist, that is how I would think, because apparently, it took him until Wednesday (after seeing him at least once, but occasionally several times a week since January).

Uhm, duh.

Has anyone else been especially hesitant about suggesting the correct diagnosis to their therapist for fear of being accused of 'faking' it? How long did it drag on for? Did they ever finally get the picture or did you have to spell it out for them?

[identity profile] jew87.livejournal.com
We got diagnoed with DID last week but there's problem. We don't know what caused this. There is no memory of trauma. None of us remember any trauma. Is it possible for us to have DID without Trauma? Or is it likely that oneday we'll remember something? The idea of this is scary.
[identity profile] moonfroggy.livejournal.com
hi, we almost never post here, but we are having a very hard time, and a big part of the problem is with our therapist, she won't call any of us by our names, and we hate the name on our birth certificate and so she won't call us by any name at all, we feel like if we have no name then we are dead, we want to find a therapist who will let us be us, and who won't treat us all the same, and who will call us by our names but it is so hard, and we have had this therapist for a year and we tried to quit therapy with her and we freaked out and got so suicidal, and we don't know what to do, and we are falling apart and everything is falling apart and the world is falling apart and i am so sorry for posting this here please don't be mad at me
[identity profile] caitlin.livejournal.com
This time of year usually isn't very good for me. (UIL, although maybe that would be UML? ;) )

April 1994, there was an incident which resulted our admission to a psych hospital. For 2 weeks.

I believe the initial code on me was 5150 - Suicidal Ideation.

Or something like that.

Anyway, the point is that the end of April is difficult for me...





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