Trial by Fire, hooray

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Today was bloody awful. A lot of stuff happened: I could use a shoulder (or #>, depending on the system) to cry on. It's long, and complicated. For those not following my journal or previous posts, we have 5 system members, 4 of them only recently unrepressed, and having been in the tumultuous process of learning to cope with the changes while being true to myself.

Me and my fiance cancelled our engagement tonight. We are no longer set to be married, and I don’t even think we are really partners any more. We (the collective) effectively came out to mum and him tonight, and I explained the way our system was working at the moment. It was very hard: I was alright, but the others were so angry. My ex-fiance said something really hurtful to all of us, more than once, and Tyb and Rach came so close to snapping at him. Rachael kept her anger in check, years of discipline and training rendering it cold, while Tyb was in a barely contained fury for most of the night after we all talked. It was the first time all four of us were sharing the body, and it was extremely disorientating.

Tonight bought all sorts of issues up for all of us, inside and out: mum has to deal with her child’s body being inhabited by others, while Misha (fianceface) had to come to terms with the loss of me to the sheer intimacy of the others. I am terrified still, that I am delusional and that these guys are something I have imagined up, some sort of protection or defence. I had a long cry with Michael while Tyb brooded, had a meeting with the others afterwards. Sun came as well, which was nice, as did Shad, though he didn’t say much. Rach advised Tyb to find his place: he is too weak, too tenebrous, because he is trying to build his identity while staying with and in me. The last I saw of him, he abruptly withdrew to his desert place, leaving a rose seal as a token along the connection to him, which is now blocked for the moment. I think he resents the accusation from Rach that he is weak, and has gone to prove otherwise. I get flashes of him lying on a rough bed, smoking and enjoying the skin-melting heat of the desert. The flash of the place I have seen tells me he is not human: the place is hot enough to boil the water in my body. His house appeared to be made from wood, but I think that is an impression, not the reality: no wood would survive there. Rach and Shad have said that they are strong because they have their own places, and that I am strong for the same reason (ie. I had the body for most of our lives). Tyb was trying to build himself in a place that was not his, and had nothing to draw on except the mind of another. He has gone to build his place now. I have no idea how long that’s going to take, or if he will come back.

 

I feel lonely. Misha is asleep, or lying wide awake while staring at the ceiling, and Tyb is off in his place developing himself a base. I am really scared that I will be left with no one. No lovers, no companions. Rachael is a comforting presence, but she’s not Tyb or Michael. I love her, but not in the same way. I know Tyb, and I want to be with him a great deal. I am really scared at the moment.

Comments

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

That is really awful. At least you are finding out what he is really like now, rather than after you're married. It is not impossible or unlikely that you will find someone who cares about you, not some image he's had of you in his mind.

I'm sure Tyb will be back -- that could be part of why he left his rose seal there, to let you know he isn't gone for good. We've got people who leave things like that when they go away. It'll be better for you if he has a place, a foundation where he can stand.

We have had similar things happen here. Listening to music helped us get through it -- what music is most comforting to you? Be sure you take care of yourself physically, vitamins and all that, fruit juice, if you don't feel like eating, and stay warm.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

He said something along the lines of: "You have to be in control" and basically said the others shouldn't be regarded as equals, but more like parts. I was appalled, and the others were furious, even Shad, who is usually very calm. I was facing serious apprehension from both mum and Misha, who were thinking that I was losing myself, getting overwhelmed, and acting like I was somehow not me any more. I think mum's ok, but Misha got loud and angry when we got home.

I try and be honest with people around me, but its becoming apparent that plurality really is still a state that requires a degree of secrecy. I came out as bi to my mum at 16, and she didn't even blink: she asked if there were any girls I was interested in XD. But she has taken weeks to get used to this idea, and I'm scared that she won't be able to come to terms with it.

I'm listening to music, drinking caffinated drinks at 5am, lol XD

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

"He said something along the lines of: "You have to be in control" and basically said the others shouldn't be regarded as equals, but more like parts.... thinking that I was losing myself, getting overwhelmed, and acting like I was somehow not me any more."

It sounds like the media freakshow gunk is all they've ever heard. The crappy movies and half-baked documentaries. "Shattering into moments of madness" and all that baloney. Your mom may get it, once she realizes that you are the same person you have always been. The guy, I don't know. He may be thinking he's going to get saddled with a mental case and what about his parents. Which shows you about how much faith he's got in you, let alone your collective. I just keep thinking a guy who really loved you would be more likely to say something like "I don't understand it, maybe you could tell me more about it." Or "I'd like to meet them." Something to show that he cares about you and even if he doesn't get it, he gets that it's important to you.

Jack

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

His parents will absolutely flip. I was particularly hurt by my mum's remark of "Well, if I thought exorcists would work, I'd be looking for one right now."

:/

[inner-clique.livejournal.com]

omg!!!! run for your lives!!!! that's scary!!!!

*LiSa*

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

*headdesk*

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what we all thought :/

Fortunately, I just got a lengthy message from Tyb, so I'm not quite as worried ;;

[xanguisettex.livejournal.com]

*facepalm*

sarah

[shadowmoth.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about everything that's going on. Hopefully your mom and finance will come around when they start to understand things a little better. they just might need some time to cope.
I had a similar issue with Kamiel as your having with Tyb. He dissapeared from me one day and went somewhere farther than I could reach. He was gone for a long time and I believed he was dead or that I would just never see him again, and i missed him like crazy, but a couple of months ago he just showed back up and he is much stronger, happier, and healthier than he ever was before.
I think it's good for Tyb to be building his own place (even if it's bad timing)and it will make him stronger and I do definitely think he'll come back. and hopefully he'll come back sooner rather than later.
I really hope everything works out for you, and I don't mind being a shoulder to cry on.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I'm pissed that he just nicked off on me like that, but I guess he was already angry and upset, and then got goaded by the (much more stable) Rachael. She wrote some reassurances, but I am still upset. I'm sure he'll be back, but he's too proud and stubborn for his own good. He's also rather asetic by nature, so I think he's probably doing a lot of thinking.

The connection is still there, thank goodness. We have a well-ordered, healthy mind, and I can still feel all my connections to the others. It's still distressing, though.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

And thanks, btw ;;

if you have msn, I'm ice_blade@kittymail.com.

[shadowmoth.livejournal.com]

I only have aim and yahoo q.q

[matrexsvigil.livejournal.com]

I hope that you find the strength to make it through this, and I hope that both of the people in your life that know about you now are able to come to terms with who you really are. You're extremely brave to come out like that, especially to your mother and fiance.

When I told my mother I was bi, she called me a chicken f***er and said she'd rather me be a lesbian. I still don't understand why to this day. =)

Best of luck.

-P.C.

--"Off the Pink."--

[matrexsvigil.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I love your icon!

-P.C.

--"Off the Pink."--

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I think its because bi people are rumoured to all be slutty perverts XD

I never really thought of telling people as a brave thing to do, it just seems the right thing to do. I don't want to hide the collective, we're all good people. I hate the idea that I will have to cover for us in so many situations in the future ;;

[ridetothesea.livejournal.com]

I can't offer any advice, other than what's already been said but I do offer my sympathy and well wishes.

And hey, caffeine always seems to work well for us. :)

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I appreciate it.

I'm astounded at how unaccepted plurality is ;;

[ridetothesea.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That's why we haven't told anybody offline yet. Don't think it would work out well.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I really expected my mum to take it better, tbh. I was having fiance problems anyway, but coming out plural was just the breaking point, I think ;;

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

We're sending you an IM as soon as we post this comment. You'll probably get it when you sign in. ::Hugs:: We're sorry to hear things went the way they did. ::Offers a shoulder and an ear::
Jess

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I appreciate it.

I feel like maybe I am spamming the community too much. I like it here, though, and its one of the few places where you can discuss stuff without people going >_>; at you...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

::Shrugs:: We don't think you're spamming at all. but that's just us. Believe me if you were spamming you'd know...

And you're always on topic so I don't think you'd have a problem.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I didn't get your im, but I am on msn atm. Been up all night, drawing and thinking...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Oh! Hang on and we'll add you to our IM as MSN. Hence why you didn't get the IM. Sorries. We're still around though.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Not to worry. That's exactly what the community is for -- discuss things openly where people know what you're talking about.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

Hugz if you want them.... I am so sorry you have to deal with this,
but sadly ...it happens.

As far as being delusional - don't worry about it. Just learn to get
along with everyone. It is ok to be multiple. Lots of people are
and lots of us do well in life.

--- Constance of Mtribe

[inner-clique.livejournal.com]

:*( That sounded hard to go through.

LeAnne

[ghostwalker.livejournal.com]

[hydra-system.livejournal.com]

I'm deeply sorry for you. We know what it's like to be insulted, but not by someone loved.
Best wishes to you all!

[20splinters.livejournal.com]

People are just so stupid about multiples! Yes, headmates have a special closeness that no one outside can match, but it's nothing to be jealous or angry about!

As for Tyb taking off, if he's anything like most of my group, he will come back stronger and more capable than he was before!

Do you mind if I friend you?

Gab

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Not at all :D

I guess there probably is some stuff to be jealous about...my ex-fiance (partner? We're not sure) is fairly insecure about certain things anyway, and Tyb is pretty touchy-feely, as well as being inclined to jealousy and temper when I'm around other guys (particularlt this one: they are chalk and cheese). But, he's also jealous of the others as well, the ones who I personally am not as close to.

I think he will come back much stronger, He was trying to build a foundation on shakey ground (ie. me, lol) and it just wasn't working. We had a long talking in the skeleton of his new place, where he is now sleeping, and I think the intention is to sort of 'base' himself there while we co-front, so that he is more consistantly held together and we aren't so tired out by it.

Its very odd. I have so many questions ;;

[xanguisettex.livejournal.com]

oh, jeez. yeah, it is a nasty feeling not to be accepted. even worse, when people treat you like a ticking time bomb that will go off in their face. a lot of people reacted to us with either a mix of shock or fear or curiosity. like, "what is it like?" other times it was more like "what the hell is wrong with you?" switching used to be an unhappy process...a very unhappy process. now it comes with ease, just sliding back and forth. but it used to suck, because when it would happen, anne would just slump over and hit the floor. great way to wake up...

anne's boyfriend has been accepting, but gets frustrated from time to time, because from what i can guess he assumes that if one of us is around something is wrong with anne. :( which isn't true. sometimes we just like to hang around him because he's not judgmental.

the hardest blow came from anne's brother...she was really close to him, and he was very, very harsh on her about her being bi, and especially about the multiplicity issue: "you just haven't been saved. talk to jesus. you don't have any problems. you're not, uh, having multiple personalities anymore, right? because, you know, that's not true." ouch. nice way to get bitchslapped by someone you loved and looked up to.

it's hard. but there's a little bit of good in this, i think. better to find someone you can trust than someone who treats you like dirt. and don't doubt yourselves. if anything, you guys have each other. like gab said that's a closeness nothing else can quite match you know?

i don't know if this is allowed but *hugs*

sarah

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Things are a little better, but I definately feel what you mean...I really expected mum to be ok about it. Fiance less so, but still...I was quite torn up.

Thanks for the hug, and gl with Anne. I read your recent entry about stuff going on with her, so good luck.