An introduction of sorts...

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

First, I must say that I was glad to come across this community. I do not know why I had not thought of looking on LJ for such a thing, but the thought did not ever cross my mind. I find it encouraging (but somewhat sad, as well), that there are others who live or lived in the manner which I/we did/do.

The main reason for this post and my renewed will to research, I admit, is that I have come across an interesting dilemma with the system. Everyone else is gone.

For simple background, I will say that the multiplicity began at a young age (7-8years) as a result of trauma, which I am sure many understand. There were far more people back then, many of which integrated to form new, more complex people. I grew up as the main fronter, the supposed main-personality, and did not know any of this was going on. When I met my now-husband, things became apparent that something was not right, and the alters at the time revealed themselves. We were down to three (originally we numbered 15, I believe). They came out regularly for years and years, and many problems and memories have been worked out and shared.... but at the same time, new problems arose. A while back, however, they stopped coming out. I do not hear anything from them, they are not here, and I do not know why.

My husband has suggested that we integrated, but in my heart (if I can phrase it that way), I do not feel that to be true. I do not remember many of the things that I supposedly should (things I know happened but do not recall specifically). My personality has not changed in a remarkable way, either, and there was no reason for us to become one all of a sudden like that.

To an extent, I admit it partly to be a relief, as one of the other personality was very troublesome, but the situation itself troubles me and I hoped that someone would be able to offer some insight.

In any case, for those who read this all, thank you. Any advice or information would be appreciated. Also, it is very nice to meet all of you.

Comments

[rabbitsystem.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the community. If you haven't integrated, then maybe there's some physical problem? Some things affect our abilty to switch and communicate. Have you made a major change to your diet, or sleep patterns, or started taking meds?

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

I started working a while back, and that became a little difficult to manage, but we were doing fine, so I don't think that is related.

Thank you for those suggestions, though!

[kyouketsusha.livejournal.com]

Welcome.

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

Thank you. ^^

[linnai.livejournal.com]

We agree we don't have enough information to make a serious educated guess but it does remind us of several periods of time we've had (one from the age of 15 through 20) where everyone but a singular person was totally locked away from the front and we have very few memories of that time except what's general access.

It could be something like this?

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

I used to be totally locked away for a long time.... but they still came out. Now there's nothing going on..... but it helps to know that other people have gone through similar things. It could very well be like that.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

Welcome !

We too have had periods when only one fronted.

--- Miri of Mtribe

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Also good to hear.

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Okay. We'll offer any help we can. It could be that you all have a massive case of "contact loss" which is when every thing inside gets so mjumbled. Communications could have broken down. If that is the case, take the time to read things they would have read, listen to music they would have listened to, etc. etc. Good luck. We're crossing our fingers for you and we hope you get them back.
Alissa of Rhymershouse
P.S. Contact loss and "mushiness" generally happen when there's lots of stress.

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

I have always noticed that doing something, as you suggest, that is more akin to them makes me feel closer and often helps with communication and things. That is a good suggestion, and I don't know why I haven't done that at length, yet.

I'm glad that you brought up stress, though, because now that I think about it more, that might be a factor. One of them is really, really not easy to deal with and she has caused some trouble.... to the point that I often dreaded the idea of her coming out...... hmm.

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

That might be the reason then. If we were in your shoes and had one main front and that person dreaded me coming out, I sure wouldn't come out either. I'd probably go as far back Inside as I can. And perhaps the difficult person has his/her reasons for being difficult. Perhaps this individual feels ignored, or perhaps there's a reason he/she is being that way. Good luck,
Rayvin of Rhymershouse

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Also it sucks to be the only main front. We don't actually have one individual who is all the time up front. And when some one gets locked out it can drive us all crazy!

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

Actually, I have always been main... I realize everyone is different, but sometimes I find it hard to imagine having to share all of the time that I am so used to. I am also used to being locked out. Only for a brief period could I listen or talk to them regularly... and I have never shared memories with them until after the event.... and this also does not occur regularly.

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Okay. That makes sense. But believe it or not, sharing can be a very nice and comforting thing.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We know very little about classical trauma-split MPD, which is more or less what you're describing. But what we do know is that in any kind of a system, sometimes a frontrunner gets isolated and can't hear from / feel the rest. It happens to us, sometimes for months at a time. You can see what other people are saying about it in response to you -- this experience sems to be really common. We've heard from people who say they had it last for a year or two -- or more. It does not mean integration has taken place. By your own description, it doesn't match the other times people in your group have integrated.

You describe how people would integrate over the years until from fifteen or so you were down to three. It sounds like a natural process that happened as you worked out psychological problems, as you say. Did you want for these last people to integrate also? What is your husband's attitude toward your multiplicity? Like Alissa said, have you been under stress recently?

You don't have to feel sad that other people live multiple. Many of us on this community -- whether they feel their multiplicity originated through trauma and splitting or naturally / born that way -- don't regard it as a tragedy or something that is wrong.

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I'm not the history-keeper, so I don't know all that much about what happened to the originals... but I do believe it was a natural process. As far as they go, my husband loves them, and he was very upset when they stopped coming out and did not know why. Again, one of them is very difficult to manage, though, and we have both stressed over her from the time of her discovery.

We have talked about integration, and it might become a long-time goal, but it was not something that we were entirely focused on or intent on doing. I assumed that if it was meant to happen, it would occur naturally, as it did the other times, when we were all ready.

And I'm sorry if I made anyone upset with that comment. I did not mean to imply that being multiple is something wrong or even something that has to result from trauma.... but for those that have gone through something terrible- I am sorry for that.

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for the whole com here, but you didn't upset us. We're naturally plural, which means we didn't split from traum. But we understand what you're saying.
Rayvin

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Not upset in the least, just wanted to point that out.

They might come back any time. Gabe always says "leave a light on".

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Seconded..

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry that you can not hear the rest of your family. one of the teenagers Lisa in our group was locked at the front and she couldn't hear anyone but that reason was due to a group lock down as a result of events happening in our home realm. maybe you can look around and see if they are doing something else and aren't near the front and go on an exploration expedition to find them. there are times we also have members of our group who come and go so they may be out on holiday somewhere and could return when they want to. these are some ideas that I can think of and I am very sorry you can't hear your family and I hope you hear them again soon. Kes

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

I am very interested in learning about the lockdown idea; is it possible that they are just "stuck" somewhere or not being allowed out for some reason? If this is the case, how can I find out? .... I have always been relatively locked off from them, and I do not know how to look or anything like that..... I think that this is something I would like to explore though.

Also, thank you for your well wishes. In the beginning, I did not worry as much, but now I am starting to quite often.... I would especially like to know if they are alright.

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Oh yes it's possible. And anything can cause a lockdown. As for finding them, read, talk to yourself or aloud, leave them notes. As for looking, meditation helps. If you are the only front, this may be the only way you can get Inside. Go Inside and look around. Headscratch. Not quite sure how to tell you to do that but meditation could help. We wish you well.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Yes, what rhymer_713 said. :)

[tahaton.livejournal.com]

Don't find it sad automatically! Some people have trouble with DID/trauma based multiplicity/general hard times, but a lot of people here are very happy to be as they are. I know we are! We wouldn't change it for the world.


I don't know if you've considered it or not, but maybe some of your most recent memory issues are normal? I know our partner is terrible with his memory. Sometimes we point out that he's told us something many times before, only to have him argue so long that we back down, because he genuinely doesn't remember having done it.

And people have said, sometimes the front runner can get cut off, or people can even just fall quiet.

[tahaton.livejournal.com]

Don't find it sad automatically! Some people have trouble with DID/trauma based multiplicity/general hard times, but a lot of people here are very happy to be as they are. I know we are!

I reread that and just wanted to make sure you know that's not me shouting or anything. Just slightly overeager to clarify. None of us are bothered by what you said, we just wanted you to know you don't have to be sad for us =)

[celestialscar.livejournal.com]

It's perfectly alright. ^^

I didn't mean to come across the wrong way, either. I understand that many people are happy the way they are and that there can be multiplicity without trauma... I just know that there have been times when it can be difficult, too... I'm sorry if I upset anyone.

As for the memory- it is normal, but what I meant was, I would expect to hold more of their/our memories if we were integrated. There is a lot of the trauma I do not remember, for instance, and I would think that if they were gone, I would know those things.....

[tahaton.livejournal.com]

Well people don't need alters for their minds to hide things from them. Singlets have repressed memories. It can easily happen that even if they are gone (and even if they did hold those memories) your mind is still keeping the stuff buried where it's 'safer'. Minds do things like that. I don't know if you guys integrated or not, but certainly still not having all the pieces is still something that can stick around. So maybe if you have a therapist you could mention that and they could try with you to see if you have the memories just hidden.

I could suggest doing things that tend to bring them out to see if they're just lurking, but I know that when people here get blocked out, that doesn't tend to work. Or if they go away and sulk, hehe, then stuff they like doesn't tend to just bring them forward so easily. I think time will tell. If they come back then they do and if they don't they don't.