![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
seaclans.livejournal.comMy latest journal entry is about life as a smoodge. I'm kinda wondering if anyone else has these sort of issues. Check it out if you like.
seaclans.livejournal.com
Fragmentation
Feb. 28th, 2007 09:36 pmcrystalseraph.livejournal.comDo any of you ever feel that you are breaking apart? Not in the sense that new people are splitting from you, but that you are blurry, undefined, unable to piece your thoughts and self together. You can't collect your thoughts, and your headmates can't reach you, even if you know they're trying...
I had one of those experiences today, and it is something I'm really not used to. We tried meditating, which helped a little, and am now getting food, which also helps. I feel disconnected from Tahl, let alone the others, even though we know there are no barricades up. Its quite frightening and disorientating.
( New art: not on my DA account :) )
I had one of those experiences today, and it is something I'm really not used to. We tried meditating, which helped a little, and am now getting food, which also helps. I feel disconnected from Tahl, let alone the others, even though we know there are no barricades up. Its quite frightening and disorientating.
( New art: not on my DA account :) )
trying to sort it out
Feb. 12th, 2007 09:33 pmdevonianstarr.livejournal.coma while back we had some really fucked up shit happen in conjunction with recovering new trauma memories and we're still trying to sort out what exactly happened. it was really weird and scary and we want to make certain (if that's possible) that it doesn't happen again.
someone else posted about being locked out, and not being able to sense the others, and that sort-of rings some bells, but this was kind of like we were a blur. we went from having switches to having a consistant perspective and it really fucked me up. i wasn't bel anymore or any of the others, but i didn't exactly change either. but it's like the thoughts lost their flavor and i couldn't tell who was who, so it was just "me". i kind of assumed that we'd integrated, but then once shit in our outer life got more stable we started being able to look at each other as sepatate beings again. another thing that was messed up about that period of time was that i started having a lot of what i can only describe as strange psychic phenomena happening around me (lightbulbs blowing, minor precognitions, electronic devices malfunctioning around me, and other weird shit) and other senses opened up in such a way that it totally overloaded me and i had a hard time staying grounded. i'm not entirely sure what set it off in the first place, but it fucked my life over hard core and i really want to get a better understanding.
anyone else ever have something like this happen? i'd love to hear some other perspectives because we're still not back to "normal" and system communication is still pretty low and it's bothering us. we know that we are "we", but we don't really feel quite real since we're having trouble communicating or knowing exactly who is out. sometimes it's very clear and those moments are all that is keeping us going. but we really want to understand this better so that we can stop going through life feeling like a zombie.
Bel and rina of the Crowd
someone else posted about being locked out, and not being able to sense the others, and that sort-of rings some bells, but this was kind of like we were a blur. we went from having switches to having a consistant perspective and it really fucked me up. i wasn't bel anymore or any of the others, but i didn't exactly change either. but it's like the thoughts lost their flavor and i couldn't tell who was who, so it was just "me". i kind of assumed that we'd integrated, but then once shit in our outer life got more stable we started being able to look at each other as sepatate beings again. another thing that was messed up about that period of time was that i started having a lot of what i can only describe as strange psychic phenomena happening around me (lightbulbs blowing, minor precognitions, electronic devices malfunctioning around me, and other weird shit) and other senses opened up in such a way that it totally overloaded me and i had a hard time staying grounded. i'm not entirely sure what set it off in the first place, but it fucked my life over hard core and i really want to get a better understanding.
anyone else ever have something like this happen? i'd love to hear some other perspectives because we're still not back to "normal" and system communication is still pretty low and it's bothering us. we know that we are "we", but we don't really feel quite real since we're having trouble communicating or knowing exactly who is out. sometimes it's very clear and those moments are all that is keeping us going. but we really want to understand this better so that we can stop going through life feeling like a zombie.
Bel and rina of the Crowd
Incomplete merging/integration.
Jan. 16th, 2007 03:52 amforever-alone.livejournal.comI looked through the memories a bit trying to see if anyone had asked about this before, but I didn't see anything and I can't be arsed to go through every single entry. Anyway, my questions have to do with incomplete integration/incomplete merging/whatever you want to call it.
( I'll try to explain before asking... )
( I'll try to explain before asking... )
This is odd...
Sep. 13th, 2006 03:30 amallusionist.livejournal.comI haven't posted in about a month, been tied up with a lot of life issues and didn't have a computer...but now I'm going through something really strange.
Lately Pip and I have been getting our memories...confused, for lack of a better word. We're starting to think we've done things the other one did or that the other one did things we did - clearest example I can think of was who first asked our girlfriend out. We both remembered the night with perfect clarity, but remembered it from the point of view of the watcher, not the fronter. When we realized this and went back and picked through the circumstances of the night, we ended up figuring out it must have been me...but I honestly don't remember being in control then. And that night made me so happy the thought of not remembering it properly scares me. We had just the opposite happen over another issue, both of us remembered doing it, but we weren't co-fronting since we haven't been able to do that for over three years now. I remember doing it clear as day - but so does Pip, and the way I remember it, he was just watching at the time.
Needless to say, this is not only getting confusing and has coused more than one headache, but it genuinely worries me. I have no idea what could be causing something like this to happen - normally, we have to worry more about a LACK of communication, not mentioning everything we did to each other when we switch and getting screwed over some detail or somesuch. I don't even know how sharing memories after the fact like that is even possible.
While I'm already ranting, one other oddity. We also seem to be losing the ability to front for an extended period of time - if either one of us is in control for more than a day or two, we start to break down, get irritable, get weighted down by stress, that kind of thing. I'm bipolar, and it's nothing like depression - it's more like the feeling you get when you have a million problems all pressing in on you at once.
So my question to you all is two-fold...first, have any of you gone through issues like these? If you've been in similar situations, what if anything helped? Second, can any of you venture an educated guess as to what could be happening in our system? We've never had problems of this sort before - just straightforward things like jealousy and wanting to kill each other, you know, social issues - so I have no idea where to een begin looking to fix this. I almost seriously offended my girlfriend yesterday by getting a memory confused, I'd like to figure out what's going on before I end up ruining something or other for good...
Lately Pip and I have been getting our memories...confused, for lack of a better word. We're starting to think we've done things the other one did or that the other one did things we did - clearest example I can think of was who first asked our girlfriend out. We both remembered the night with perfect clarity, but remembered it from the point of view of the watcher, not the fronter. When we realized this and went back and picked through the circumstances of the night, we ended up figuring out it must have been me...but I honestly don't remember being in control then. And that night made me so happy the thought of not remembering it properly scares me. We had just the opposite happen over another issue, both of us remembered doing it, but we weren't co-fronting since we haven't been able to do that for over three years now. I remember doing it clear as day - but so does Pip, and the way I remember it, he was just watching at the time.
Needless to say, this is not only getting confusing and has coused more than one headache, but it genuinely worries me. I have no idea what could be causing something like this to happen - normally, we have to worry more about a LACK of communication, not mentioning everything we did to each other when we switch and getting screwed over some detail or somesuch. I don't even know how sharing memories after the fact like that is even possible.
While I'm already ranting, one other oddity. We also seem to be losing the ability to front for an extended period of time - if either one of us is in control for more than a day or two, we start to break down, get irritable, get weighted down by stress, that kind of thing. I'm bipolar, and it's nothing like depression - it's more like the feeling you get when you have a million problems all pressing in on you at once.
So my question to you all is two-fold...first, have any of you gone through issues like these? If you've been in similar situations, what if anything helped? Second, can any of you venture an educated guess as to what could be happening in our system? We've never had problems of this sort before - just straightforward things like jealousy and wanting to kill each other, you know, social issues - so I have no idea where to een begin looking to fix this. I almost seriously offended my girlfriend yesterday by getting a memory confused, I'd like to figure out what's going on before I end up ruining something or other for good...
Inconsistent
Sep. 10th, 2006 12:24 pmlinnai.livejournal.comDoes anyone else ever deal with the situation where some of your siblings/family/headmates or whatever are very consistent and very just... stable in their identity, their voices, looks, the way they respond to situations and then... others are so inconsistent they can hardly be identified half the time? ( If you're at all interested )Anyhow... we just need... help? We're really discombobulated right now and just... bouncing all over the place.
Wait, we're NOT being ourselves?
Jul. 15th, 2006 08:55 amvinik.livejournal.comHi everybody.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this here, but maybe something good or at least interesting will come out of it.
At first, a brief update for those who happen to have seen previous posts from us: We decided to leave certain bad things behind that happened with a social worker during pregnancy. We have so much going on that we really don't have the time or the ability to deal with any possible. And what's going on is good. I just hope that lady learned her lesson through our example.
Anyway, the actual topic:( Read more... )
I don't know if this makes any sense, but some feedback would be nice.
(EDIT: I do believe the word that was to follow 'possible' was the word 'crap', but for some reason there was no word typed there at all. Haha!)
I'm not sure why I'm posting this here, but maybe something good or at least interesting will come out of it.
At first, a brief update for those who happen to have seen previous posts from us: We decided to leave certain bad things behind that happened with a social worker during pregnancy. We have so much going on that we really don't have the time or the ability to deal with any possible. And what's going on is good. I just hope that lady learned her lesson through our example.
Anyway, the actual topic:( Read more... )
I don't know if this makes any sense, but some feedback would be nice.
(EDIT: I do believe the word that was to follow 'possible' was the word 'crap', but for some reason there was no word typed there at all. Haha!)
Just Curious
Mar. 15th, 2006 11:04 pmgremlynna.livejournal.comI’ve been noticing a tendency since around September for me to almost never have a single personality fronting. There’s usually a conglomeration of 7 or 8 all up at or near the front at the same time. There’s one conglomeration that likes to front when I’m manic (I’m bipolar as well as multiple), and another group that likes to front when I’m depressive.
Does anyone else out there experience anything like this?
Does anyone else out there experience anything like this?
Co-consciousness and Blurring Ponderings
Oct. 30th, 2005 09:28 pmjaga-system-.livejournal.comReading about the discussions on co-consciousness, it sparked a reminder of some thoughts I've pondered about from time to time. I'm not even sure I can accurately describe them, but I will do my best. I suppose it might be philosophical or just "deep," where my brain can't fully wrap around it. Sort of like, how and why is it possible? Of course I mainly accept it just is what it is, but has anyone delved further into how in the heck it is possible that co-consciousness and blurring can happen? Sometimes we go there and it is just...hmmm.... no words can quite describe the feelings as I/we try to grasp ahold of the deeper hows and whys, etc. I guess I'm wondering on a scientific basis, spiritual basis, or well, from any sort of frame of reference. The mind and body are so intriguing.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )
(no subject)
Oct. 30th, 2005 11:39 amlinnai.livejournal.comHave you ever felt like when you have the serious 'co-consciousness' thing going on, you're more messed up than when you're all just cooperating and letting each other have their space?
A feeling of masks
Jul. 26th, 2005 02:06 ampleiades-rising.livejournal.comDo you ever feel like the others in your system are just masks? It feels that way for me sometimes, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a mask, and someone else in the system is putting me on. I'm going to x-post this from my other journal. Tell me if this is common, or if I'm a lost cause here. It sounds a bit emo, so I'm sorry about that I guess.
( Myself. )
( Myself. )
Introduction
Apr. 18th, 2005 09:32 pmangie-the-red.livejournal.comI have never been in therapy, and to be honest, I doubt I ever will. I frequent a survivor community and thus have discussions with, and read posting by a few plurals, and some of the things I hear really makes me wonder about myself. So, I am still looking, and pondering, and reading, and questioning the possibility of plurality in myself.
If this isn't too obtrusive (and feel free to tell me if it is), I have some general questions. I was wondering how you became aware of the others? What made you wonder if there were others? Do they usually share with each other?
Perhaps it will help if I share some of my own experiences.
There are times when people will relay discussions I had with them, that I have absolutely no recollection of, and would swear never happened. So if there are others, then one of them doesn't like to share.
But the biggest thing that has me questioning is that at other times I seem to be having what I can best describe as an out of body experience, but in my body. It's like I'm in the back seat of a car that someone else is driving. I hear and see and say things, but I'm wondering where these things are coming from and why I'm saying them, because it's not what I want my mouth to be saying, or my behavior to be doing. Like someone else is driving. And if I *really* think about it, then I could even venture to say that most of the time, that driver is the same person...but not me.
I'm sure you have all heard and answered these questions a million times, so please forgive me. I do read, but find that actually talking to others help a whole lot more.
If this isn't too obtrusive (and feel free to tell me if it is), I have some general questions. I was wondering how you became aware of the others? What made you wonder if there were others? Do they usually share with each other?
Perhaps it will help if I share some of my own experiences.
There are times when people will relay discussions I had with them, that I have absolutely no recollection of, and would swear never happened. So if there are others, then one of them doesn't like to share.
But the biggest thing that has me questioning is that at other times I seem to be having what I can best describe as an out of body experience, but in my body. It's like I'm in the back seat of a car that someone else is driving. I hear and see and say things, but I'm wondering where these things are coming from and why I'm saying them, because it's not what I want my mouth to be saying, or my behavior to be doing. Like someone else is driving. And if I *really* think about it, then I could even venture to say that most of the time, that driver is the same person...but not me.
I'm sure you have all heard and answered these questions a million times, so please forgive me. I do read, but find that actually talking to others help a whole lot more.
(no subject)
Jan. 14th, 2005 05:25 pmricktboy.livejournal.comHello,
I've lurked for quite sometime, not really knowing how to introduce myself, or my others. But here it is.
I'm Rick, I started as an other, but I'm now the core. I'm transgender, and began life as the masculine form of the original core, Rachel. We split at 15(i'm 24 now)and I took over slowly, at both of our best interests, and a mutual agreement. We all had split and integrated several times since then, and two years ago, integrated for what I thought was the last time. Last night, however, In an intimate situation with my husband(I also identify as bisexual, he knows about me, and is transgendered also)I felt my 8 year old other begin to emerge again. He darted out quickly, and retreated again, just as fast, but I still felt him. There's other back story to this, but I don't feel like getting all into it right now, if you want to know, ask. There's several others, I'll tell you their names, (the ones I know of) and explain a bit about each one, then i'll explain the reason i'm finally introducing myself(ourselves?).
Rachel. Original Core, age 15(or thereabouts). when not integrated, lurks, coming out in lesbian-type situations. Shy, withdrawn, and meek.
Cubbie. eight year old boy. Is boisterous, giggly, and fun-loving, also sometimes, becomes reserved and withdrawn.
Wolf. Not from within, He is our archive. He knows all of the others, what their purpose is, and their origins.
the twins. male and female, they don't speak, and are a perfect balance of each other. one is dark, one is light,(i don't know which, it's possible their color isn't fixed. not sure of age.
the girl who screams. a child, age not fixed, she is incapable of anything but screaming in terror.
the grandmother. An older woman, she protects, and comforts the others.
there are most likely others, but seeing as how I haven't fully split again, I don't know quite how many, or anything like that.
Now, questions.
1. Has anyone else experienced integration/splitting in turns? periods of time where you're one, then other periods where you're many?
2. what are your experiences with that?
3. Have you ever been triggered by someone else?(splitting, not switching)
4. How do you deal with switching in front of other people?
Okay, I'll leave y'all alone,
Rick
I've lurked for quite sometime, not really knowing how to introduce myself, or my others. But here it is.
I'm Rick, I started as an other, but I'm now the core. I'm transgender, and began life as the masculine form of the original core, Rachel. We split at 15(i'm 24 now)and I took over slowly, at both of our best interests, and a mutual agreement. We all had split and integrated several times since then, and two years ago, integrated for what I thought was the last time. Last night, however, In an intimate situation with my husband(I also identify as bisexual, he knows about me, and is transgendered also)I felt my 8 year old other begin to emerge again. He darted out quickly, and retreated again, just as fast, but I still felt him. There's other back story to this, but I don't feel like getting all into it right now, if you want to know, ask. There's several others, I'll tell you their names, (the ones I know of) and explain a bit about each one, then i'll explain the reason i'm finally introducing myself(ourselves?).
Rachel. Original Core, age 15(or thereabouts). when not integrated, lurks, coming out in lesbian-type situations. Shy, withdrawn, and meek.
Cubbie. eight year old boy. Is boisterous, giggly, and fun-loving, also sometimes, becomes reserved and withdrawn.
Wolf. Not from within, He is our archive. He knows all of the others, what their purpose is, and their origins.
the twins. male and female, they don't speak, and are a perfect balance of each other. one is dark, one is light,(i don't know which, it's possible their color isn't fixed. not sure of age.
the girl who screams. a child, age not fixed, she is incapable of anything but screaming in terror.
the grandmother. An older woman, she protects, and comforts the others.
there are most likely others, but seeing as how I haven't fully split again, I don't know quite how many, or anything like that.
Now, questions.
1. Has anyone else experienced integration/splitting in turns? periods of time where you're one, then other periods where you're many?
2. what are your experiences with that?
3. Have you ever been triggered by someone else?(splitting, not switching)
4. How do you deal with switching in front of other people?
Okay, I'll leave y'all alone,
Rick
needing some kind of recognition
Nov. 13th, 2002 01:37 pmruth-sedina.livejournal.comive never posted here before. i dont know if i have MPD or any other related 'disorder' or not. i do not have a diagnosis as it was felt unhelpfull by my clinic. i've been out of hospital a year now. but i and some of my friends have thought for a while that i may have some form of personality disorder. basicly i'm posting now cos i feel like shit. i feel so torn and confused. i try so hard but i dont know what ive said or done half the time. my 'mood' changes so readily.
i've just spent over a year trying my best to get this whole mpd idea out of my head and have now become used to refering to us as 'i'. it was helpful for a while to try to get out of the frame of mind of mpd but now i dont know who i/we am/are. i used to know when i had switched now i just wander around in a dazed and confused state, vaguely aware of personality change. i can have a hazy recolection of others actions, but they feel the same as my *very* vivid dreams. i dont know what else to say right now, i just feel so fucked up. im hoping to find someone who knows whats going on, though i guess thats a long shot, since no one knows me. i've never had the chance to talk to people with similar mind sets. i just wanna know that someone understands and wish i could understand it better myself. because i dont know if these personalties are real or just some stupid creation of my own. i'm sure i'll be posting more soon, i was directed to this community some time ago but was a little scared to do anything.
i've just spent over a year trying my best to get this whole mpd idea out of my head and have now become used to refering to us as 'i'. it was helpful for a while to try to get out of the frame of mind of mpd but now i dont know who i/we am/are. i used to know when i had switched now i just wander around in a dazed and confused state, vaguely aware of personality change. i can have a hazy recolection of others actions, but they feel the same as my *very* vivid dreams. i dont know what else to say right now, i just feel so fucked up. im hoping to find someone who knows whats going on, though i guess thats a long shot, since no one knows me. i've never had the chance to talk to people with similar mind sets. i just wanna know that someone understands and wish i could understand it better myself. because i dont know if these personalties are real or just some stupid creation of my own. i'm sure i'll be posting more soon, i was directed to this community some time ago but was a little scared to do anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}