Smoodges

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

My latest journal entry is about life as a smoodge. I'm kinda wondering if anyone else has these sort of issues. Check it out if you like.

Comments

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

you mean a lot of you all mixed together without proper boundaries ?

--- Miri

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

Well, it is more how we are structured. The whole front/host is a collection of people and components who aren't really complete people. They merge and recombine. Some of the combinations are more or less permanent others flux more. I, Firefly, am sort of the core will, or glue of the front smoodge. There are maybe one or two other smoodge collections as well, and then the rest are individuals some of which have there own systems or sub-systems. There's more about it in that post in my journal. Should I just post a copy here? I don't know what the etiquette on that is.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

Probably better to post a copy here than to refer people to your journal.

--- Miri

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

Thanks. So here it is:

I'm wanting to write about the way we have a "host" that is composed of many people/components some more complete than others some more human than others. And how they all move about into different combinations. Some mostly permanent, some transitory.

So even myself, the front pretty much always out person is more than one and changes. It used to really bugs us that we could look back and see we were not the same person we had been...kinda scary, but this was before we knew there are some other multis out there who have experiences similar enough to make up a vocabulary, words for it such as Smoodge.

It's kinda weird cause it's not like the whole system is one big smoodge. Mostly it's the host/front/body persons. And maybe one or two other groups. Others are singular or have personalites of there own that they are connected to but don't smoodge with.

Sometimes as this smoodge I find it frustrating because I can't tell who all I am, and it also seems connected with the impossibility of completely leaving front and experiencing inside directly. In addition, I forget _I_ exist, Firefly, a sort of hidden core or will inside the smoodge. It was years before I discovered myself and I still tend to forget I'm here. And it's disconcerting to know I lead one life out here and a separate one inside that I only sometimes connect to.

Anyone I'm not really meaning to gripe I'm more interested in comparing and contrasting these experiences with others.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

Your experience sounds a lot like ours a few years ago from what our 'Marina
and Toni' say.

--- April of Mtribe

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

I don't think we will evolve away from this mode, other than perhaps learning how to leave front,which would be nice. Being a smoodge, at least for us at the front seems to work well most of the time, and it just seems to be how we are put together. I never thought it could be a something we grow out of. Do Marina and Toni find your current configuration odd or more comfortable?

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

We (Marina speaking for Marina and Toni) find it very strange. We were aware to
some degree of our multiplicity but were committed to integration. When i, Marina
curled up inside the others took over. I have had to learn to accept that i am not
the only one here, which sometimes is hard.

--- Marina

[aquilawolf.livejournal.com]

"The whole front/host is a collection of people and components who aren't really complete people. They merge and recombine."

My system is similar but we look at it differently, we rather function best or well when living/fronting as a team. Some are quite young yet can merge with an adult and then separate back out.

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

We don't find it uncomfortable most of the time, mostly it's useful, we were sort of in a complaining mood at the time. Being able to be in more than one place at a time is nice, it would just be fun to be able to carry the memories and experiences of inside life more directly. On the other hand I'd probably want to stop being the main front if I had a clearer experience of it all. And that would probably create problems.

[20splinters.livejournal.com]

We used to have more incomplete people in here. A couple of them (Janna and Jayne) decided to combine permanently, but I think we've still got a few "framework" people in here for others to work through. Um, like a friendly, pleasant "mask" for the rude ass-kicker to work through when we need the ass-kicker's skills but also need to be polite. Us boys actually do the same sort of things with some of the girls in here when we're out in public so we can pull girl-voice and mannerisms while us boys still get to go out and do stuff. Or we just smoodge together - we call it co-presence - and have several of us running around together, but I think then, we're still more defined than what you're talking about.

~Gage

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

Yeah as I understand it smoodging is more the recombining thing than co-presence. Our smoodge is sorta stuck front so we also become a sort of mask for most others. that part of it can be kind of annoying since most of the time we are not somewhere where we need to actually mask switches. We are almost always co-present with others.

[catskillmarina.livejournal.com]

I, miri sometimes combine with carrie to form a chimera called
kiri. We can separate out but while combined we are one.

--- Miri of Mtribe with Marina

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

yeah it works sorta like that for us, but with a lot more than two people some of which aren't really fully independent.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

We have had that intermittantly, but we tend to 'draw' off others when we need backup or something...it seems to work for us, but there have been days where me and Tahl can't tell each other apart. As far as we are both concerned, that was 'I' until we worked it out. Very disorientating :s

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

I didn't have awareness of myself, Firefly, for along time and still occasionally forget I exist so I understand the disorientation factor.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We get blendy, smoodgy or mushy, especially when two or more have been co-fronting for a long time.