A feeling of masks

[pleiades-rising.livejournal.com]

Do you ever feel like the others in your system are just masks? It feels that way for me sometimes, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a mask, and someone else in the system is putting me on. I'm going to x-post this from my other journal. Tell me if this is common, or if I'm a lost cause here. It sounds a bit emo, so I'm sorry about that I guess.


I'm really sick of it. Really. I am. Is it too much to ask to have a single, stable personality? I don't like being bipolar, it's not fun. I don't like all those other things I've apparently got either.
I hate looking back on things and actually wondering if I did that or not, debating if that's something I'd ever do. Of course, I never have a definate answer.

I'd like to be able to remember things that happened, oh, say, FIVE MINUTES AGO. I'd like to drive somewhere and not suddenly wonder where I was headed again.

I hate contradicting myself CONSTANTLY. I hate it when all my ideals and dreams change depending on my "mood".

I do hate that especially. Like when I go off on one of my sappy "hurt by society" speeches and OH those damn guys on Wall Street with their fucking egos, I'm happy with what I have I love my life this way and do things carefree... and then two hours later I'm laughing with my own ego, talking about how all those losers in high school will be mere middle class lackeys while I'm up in my penthouse reading the lastest medical journal and is my latte ready YET, Mr. Starbuck's man?!

Maybe I should stop caring. Maybe I should just screw it and stop trying to sort out all those different personalities. They can take care of themselves, I don't want anything to do with them. But sometimes I don't remember which one is mine and it's sorta scary... Like an owner of many masks? Here is my mask for person 1, and here is my mask for person 2, and oh dear I didn't mean to put on THAT mask so how did it get on my face just now?

When I sit there reading, and I see a sentence or a picture that really stands out and triggers something inside, and suddenly I'm not me anymore, am I? But I don't know where this me goes when I'm not here sometimes, and if I'll even remember anything. It pisses me off. I should just stop reading, stop looking at things, stop listening to any music. Just sit on the bed and stare at the ceiling forever, but... then again, some shape I see on the ceiling might trigger something inside of me as well. It's inevitable, and always there, and I hate it. I get along with it, but I really don't. I really REALLY don't.

Just let me stay the same person, and be a little bit predictable, and give me my memories back.

There's something weird. How do I know I even exist? What if I'M just someone's off-shot personality, and some other one is the one that belongs? Man, that would suck. But who seriously wonders if they EXIST or not? That's crazy babble...

I feel really empty. And dead. And it feels funny...

Comments

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Please do not apologize for expressing your feelings candidly in this forum. Your concerns are genuine and I know they are shared by others.

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

heh. we got one we used to call 'the mask'.
and i hate that i gotta share my time too :(

Tia sez, live now cuzz we got a late start and were gonna wake up tomorrow and be 80. I also hate that i gotta answer to a name that isn't mine for the convenience of our small minded friends.

I've been getting whored lately, like you said. it creeps me out. i guess alot of our old burnt out people have been riding my time. living thru me or something. and its getting to be a damned problem. aside from that i seem to switch for stupid reasons, i start picking up peoples mannerisms, hearing their voice when i talk n shit. ppl voted to put me in charge cuzz ive been proving i can get stuff done, but i can't find the face most of the time. and i have trouble keeping it when i get it.

anyways im starting to rant, so stay strong, yo.
-candy apple red

[linnai.livejournal.com]

feel like this sometimes... feeling like I get covered, like I'm wearing a mask... can't be myself, can't break through...

yeah, I feel like that sometime...

I feel really... seperate sometimes... from myself, who I'm supposed to be...