Introduction

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

I have never been in therapy, and to be honest, I doubt I ever will. I frequent a survivor community and thus have discussions with, and read posting by a few plurals, and some of the things I hear really makes me wonder about myself. So, I am still looking, and pondering, and reading, and questioning the possibility of plurality in myself.

If this isn't too obtrusive (and feel free to tell me if it is), I have some general questions. I was wondering how you became aware of the others? What made you wonder if there were others? Do they usually share with each other?

Perhaps it will help if I share some of my own experiences.

There are times when people will relay discussions I had with them, that I have absolutely no recollection of, and would swear never happened. So if there are others, then one of them doesn't like to share.

But the biggest thing that has me questioning is that at other times I seem to be having what I can best describe as an out of body experience, but in my body. It's like I'm in the back seat of a car that someone else is driving. I hear and see and say things, but I'm wondering where these things are coming from and why I'm saying them, because it's not what I want my mouth to be saying, or my behavior to be doing. Like someone else is driving. And if I *really* think about it, then I could even venture to say that most of the time, that driver is the same person...but not me.

I'm sure you have all heard and answered these questions a million times, so please forgive me. I do read, but find that actually talking to others help a whole lot more.

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

I knew there were others when what I thought was just a character concept or something started actually having her own opinions, problems, wants, needs, issues, started talking and eventually started using my body. Really is that simple. She (selenesb) first realised that she had a headmate when she realised she was not in her body anymore, but a new one, with a confused owner giving her funny looks.

We share. We very much work as a unit.


~Luwana

[angie-the-red.livejournal.com]

That is almost what I feel. It's like this other person is driving my body and telling her opinions, ideas, and actions, and they aren't *my* opinions and ideas and actions.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We have no memory loss, due to the communication setup here. The "somebody else driving" feel is familiar. We were never not aware of each other, but I spent a good many years ignoring them and trying to be "THE PERSON", because I didn't know you could be plural and be okay. It was 1987 before I stopped trying to suppress it.

Hope

[vesa72.livejournal.com]

I didn't know I had multiples until my Priest was doing a counseling session with me and asked my to write out my life story. He and my therapist, who read it later, pointed out my multiples. I didn't know how many there were until I sat down and asked them what they could tell me. It has taken several months to identify them all and get their stories. We have to be in a safe place in order for them to tell. There are eleven of us, but all are re-integrated now. No one has a separate voice, dress, or behavior anymore. It hasn't been easy to reparent myself, but it has been what has helped me heal. Timberlawn Hospital in Dallas has an excellent trauma program. I was there in January for 11 days. I also have found an additional therapist and psychiatrist with backgrounds in Trauma. The hardest thing I had to do was to sit down and write out the stories my multiples had to tell. The memories were so traumatic I wanted to die! My therapist said I had survived the event, I could survive the memories. I don't have DID but I do have DDNOS(dissociative disorder not otherwise specified). I haven't lost time, but I do switch persons from time to time. Fortunately, my priest knows me well enough to call me on it when I do. Sometimes, I'm even aware when I switch. It's becoming less frequent but now that I'm aware, I can identify the triggers. Good Luck!

Re: Hope

[pengke.livejournal.com]

What's wrong with switching?

Re: Hope

[vesa72.livejournal.com]

I am working on integration. Knowing the triggers that cause me to switch is what I feel will help me recover. I want my life, the one that I've never been allowed to have. I want to be free of all the crap I was programmed to believe. I want to love and be loved in a manner I have only up til now dreamed about. Sorry, I'm getting upset and it isn't your fault. I still find I'm easily angered when I think how unfairly I was treated. Life isn't fair, but no one should have horrible things done to them.

Re: Hope

[pengke.livejournal.com]

It seems sad that you feel you have to get rid of everyone in order to be happy. You can have your life and let the others have their lives too.

We can see why uncontrolable switching would be bad especially if people are involuntarily given control of the body in situations they're not equipped to handle. I can even see where voluntary switching could be bad if you were hiding behind other people so that you don't have to face the things you don't want to. Although I don't think that that sort of switching is really a bad thing as long if you recognize that you're doing it and are capable of handling things yourself if you were the only one available.

I just don't see the problem with voluntary switching in general. I mean, you're not losing time anymore so you don't have the potential for chaos that you had before all of you started working through your problems. Plus, it's nice being able to step back and take a break while someone else does their thing.

Re: Hope

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Why integration and resisting switching, rather than learning to control switching and live as a unit? You (plural form) can have the life you always wanted without smooshing people into one blob of 'you'.

Far from inhibiting Luwana's career, I like to think that I enhance it. I'm still a lazy bugger, but I have more motivation and ability to concentrate than she does.

Re: Hope

[vesa72.livejournal.com]

How I feel I need to recover and discover my past is my choice. I didn't know I even had multiples until December. I have been very high functioning without switching. I didn't arbitrarily decide to work on integration. We decided. I asked our permission just as I asked us to tell our stories of abuse. We have been in constant communication. If there is something to be said it is allowed, we are all finally co-conscious. However, no one personality except Beth is dominant. I am the host, mommy, and protector now. We no longer feel that we have to let the lioness protect us anymore. As I said this was a choice we all made. This was agreed so we can continue our recovery. I'm still figuring everything out. My alters are happy to be free to go play as they should. They live in our safe place and I go check on them just as I do my children. The older alters watch the younger alters and that is how we have things set up. I am learning to reparent myself while trying to parent my own children. You may not agree with the choices I make but we can agree to disagree.

Re: Hope

[beyli.livejournal.com]

Our counsellor pretty much described control over the switches and living as a unit to be integration. I kinda have doubts about the whole smooshing thing workign anyway.

Re: Hope

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Some doctors in the 60s and 70s viewed inhouse communication and a working operating system as integration. If that's what they want to think, that's fine by us.

For the record, we are prochoice on all forms of integration.

Re: Hope

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Some doctors in the 60s and 70s viewed inhouse communication and a working operating system as integration. If that's what they want to think, that's fine by us.

It still blows my mind how anyone can be called integrated when they're still saying 'we' and functioning as individual persons. I'm guessing it was because supervisors wanted to hear that the patients were being integrated, so they decided to stretch the definition a bit.

We're pro-choice on integration as well, although it's a choice that needs to be agreed upon by everyone-- too often from what I've seen it's because the 'host' decides they just can't stand living with those others and wants them all gone. That's more of an equivalent to murder in my book. When you don't get along with your family, do you try to work things out and come to a consensus or do you decide to kill them all so you won't have to deal with it?

Re: Hope

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Integration's a choice.
Some choose to do it, some don't. Some do both. ;)

Re: Hope

[vesa72.livejournal.com]

Thanks

Can of worms.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

Depending on your views, and the way integration is gone about, it can be seen as equivalent to murder, euthanasia, or inflicting paralysis.

Your statement still holds. It is still a choice.

Some people will take issue with the choices however, and they have reason to do so, based on what they see going on.

If I got an abortion, and someone really felt as though I had murdered a child, I should be prepared for them being bothered. This is a far cry from flinging fetii at people going into clinics.

Not everyone will be okay with all choices you make. Some people will question these choices. Sometimes the questioning will make someone uncomfortable.

One of the consequences of making a decision is the responses of other people.

--Me/Us

Re: Can of worms.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

It could also be seen as returning to the source, as regaining what was lost.

We as a group are trauma-born, and philosophically we can see how a group that was once singleton might decide that is the path they want to walk. We don't know vesa72's reality. We aren't them.

It isn't our path. As a group we survived what would have killed someone alone. Some smart ass taught several of the kids to chant "hell no we won't go" every time the topic comes up! We choose a path of responsibility, respect, compassion, and leaving the victim mentality. What "he did to me" is unimportant. How we choose to relate to our experiences is very important.

The concept of forcible integration makes us feel ill. It sounds a lot like genocide. More than one of us can imagine how someone who's survived an attempt at that might respond to the topic.

We do believe that a person in therapy should be told about all the options available - and that most therapists fail miserably at that.

Re: Can of worms.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm aware of that viewpoint. What I/we are trying to get at is the fact that people are going to be offended by the choices you make, and one should emotionally prepare themselves for that fact.

It's a general fact of life, which extends to this circumstance.

{It's like bringing up abortion at a conservative church. Someone's feathers will be ruffled. Preparing yourself for the arguments of others also ideally increases your awareness of why you've made the choice, which makes it twofold beneficial. --Her}

--Me/Us/Her

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

I'm sure you have all heard and answered these questions a million times, so please forgive me. I do read, but find that actually talking to others help a whole lot more.

Ultimately only you (and whoever else might be there) can make that choice. Feeling distanced or 'out of' your body can happen for any number of reasons. If you're not sure you're multiple, you might try these pages:

http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/faq.html
http://www.karitas.net/blackbird/layman

[echoesnspectres.livejournal.com]

http://www.karitas.net/blackbirds/layman/

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Er, sorry. I was typing a little fast there... thanks.

[echoesnspectres.livejournal.com]

Oh and the other one should be http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/faq.shtml - missed an s twice :)

btw ksol1460, was astraeasweb down earlier? Just curious - couldn't get there for a while.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Not that we are aware, but the 'net has been acting strangely for a couple of days now.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Some of us always knew. Our longterm front wasn't supposed to know (someone had to appear normal and she got the job.) She knew that under stress there were often several of us, but insisted on believing that we "went back together" when whatever happened was done. She knew that she had several different handwriting styles. She knew under some stresses there was "someone else in the driver's seat" and that sometimes words or knowledge came from "out of the blue" to her. We'd go out of our way to put things back and reposition the body so she wouldn't notice when one of us took over and locked her out of the front. Or we'd do things when she was napping or sleeping.

One of our friends started her on a "listening to your inner child" thing after she started having flashbacks where you treat your child self as you would treat a child. Parenting yourself. It worked really well, with her new actions she made friends with one of the kids easily. Then some of the other kids here wanted to do that too. Going from "kid" to "kids" wasn't such a shock after all. After that it wasn't a big leap to accept the rest of us.

[random-element.livejournal.com]

Well, the first one I was ever aware of was a gypsy and I always considered her as something a little bit more than an imaginary friend because I could actually hear her. But I first became aware of the rest when my friends came to me with concerns and overtime while I was having blackouts the others within began to introduce themselves (though a few got cornered and had their names demanded of them). Some of them work together and know each other. There are a few I can kind of interact with. They help each other and have started to work as a team instead of alone because only recently have they come to know what they are. What we are together.

if any one is interested....

[vesa72.livejournal.com]

The Sidran Institute (http://www.sidran.org/index.html)