Incomplete merging/integration.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I looked through the memories a bit trying to see if anyone had asked about this before, but I didn't see anything and I can't be arsed to go through every single entry. Anyway, my questions have to do with incomplete integration/incomplete merging/whatever you want to call it.



To make a long story short, our previous frontrunner became pretty much inactive several years ago, and I became frontrunner after that. The trouble is, when she became inactive, she and I were merged together, although I still sort of consider her a separate person from myself. It's kind of like we're mental siamese twins, connected but still capable of independent thought and feelings.

She and I can share emotions. There is a clear difference between her emotions and mine, but sometimes I am unable to make that distinction when the lines between us become more blurred. Since our merge we have shared memories, although I have a hard time remembering things that happened before I took over as frontrunner. Basically, she's almost constantly transmitting her memories/feelings/etc. to me and through me. I get a strong sense of who she is inside, and who I am, and though we are definitely not the same person, we are linked in a way I can't really explain.

I feel like we're two sides of the same coin, but it's so confusing and frustrating. There are rare days that I feel totally myself, but most of the time I'm not really sure what this situation means in terms of my identity. I don't really know who I am, our opinions and emotions overlap so often. I don't even know whether to call myself "me" or "we", because I feel separate but connected at the same time.

This is so different from the rest of our system. The rest of them feel very separate from myself, and we do not have this kind of mental sharing. Does anyone have any idea what I'm trying to explain, or has anyone experienced this? Are there ways to try to separate her from me, or to at least make the distinction between us more definite so that I can develop my own sense of identity? Or should I do the opposite, try to think of her as being me?

I'm sorry if this is confusing, but I don't know a better way to put it. I don't even know if it makes any sense at all.

Comments

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

Sometimes we go blendy like that, but we eventually separate again. I look at it as creating a temporary person, who's a collaboration between two of us. There's a "me, and not me" feel to the memories from times like that, so it seems to fit.

Hope that helped,
- Es

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

That sounds like what I'm describing, expect with the two of us it's almost constant, for the past 4 1/2 years at least. Do you ever find it confusing or disruptive to your sense of self (/selves) while you're blended like that? What about after you separate again?

[ridetothesea.livejournal.com]

Oh, absolutely. It makes sense to me. That's how me and my brother operate. And It's kind of like we're mental siamese twins, connected but still capable of independent thought and feelings is one of the best descriptions I've heard.

And it's very different from our relationship with others in our House. We are connected to them, but not in the same "Half of me is you" way. We've struggled with what it means in terms of our identity too. Most days each of us feels like a separate person, but that can so easily slide into a we when we share 90% of everything. We figure that as long as we both retain a separate sense of identity, that makes us separate. We can and do merge, but we always end up separated sooner or later.

It's frustrating for us too, because we aren't one individual, nor two separate ones, but somewhere in the middle, and able to slide to both points on the spectrum. We haven't yet found a way to more fully separate our individual identities yet, either.

I think the two of you (one of you? :p) have to decide which way you want things to go.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comment, it's good to know someone else has been there. I hope we all eventually find ways to make it less frustrating.

I think the two of you (one of you? :p) have to decide which way you want things to go.

That's difficult too. She has a hard time with speech, mostly communicates by sending me feelings or mental pictures, for lack of a better term... But then I always think, if she's a part of me, am I just sending myself these feelings? Are these feelings mine or hers, and if she sends them to me do they then become mine? I think one of my problems is I over-think everything. :P

Anyway, thanks for understanding, it means a lot to me/us.

[ridetothesea.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we tend to over think everything too. It's kinda easy to do. We've thought of all those questions and others, and still haven't come up with any answers. :)

[paladin1701.livejournal.com]

Though I'm not a collective, I have several friends that are, and they've described this as being "smooshed"; they say it often happens when there is a prolonged set of situations that both feel they must deal with (like fronting for a particular period of time where there's a medical treatment or something like that). So, I thought I'd say that I've heard of it before, and I hope that knowing it happens to other groups might alleviate some of the anxiety.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

Thank you, it does help. I've never thought about the idea that maybe we both feel we need to deal with things and that's why she's been so close to me for so long, but it sounds like a definite possibility for us. I'll be sure to think about that.

[ex-pinkmonk.livejournal.com]

I think I know what you're talking about, I have a similar bond with the body. I was the first one to make my presence known (she changed her name to mine a year or two before that), and let her think of me as a "flip-side." I was the only one there right then, and she could understand the binary aspect. Our minds never quite "split" either, so she's 'kinda-me' and I'm 'kinda-her.' She also feels there are "dark" split-sides to us, but I'm not as sure - we still have very different ways of looking at things.

The whole system almost always co-runs with the original body-type-person, though, so that may be a different experience. Everyone had a good, long while to develop uninterrupted, and there hasn't been much identity blurring. What there is is more willing, if not intentional.

~Lola

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

I was the first one to make my presence known (she changed her name to mine a year or two before that), and let her think of me as a "flip-side."

That's how it might've been for the years that she was our frontrunner. My memory of that time is hazy, but I know I was around then, and I think she might've considered me her "other half" of sorts. Now it's flipped and she's more like my other half. Confusing...

[teh-kerry.livejournal.com]

We have that more or less between all of us, so emotions and thoughts seem shared, but we're pretty distinct as individuals, at least physically. We do get each other's emotions, though. Which doesn't help when x falls in love with y, then z is actually in love with a but ends up feeling some of x's love for y, and then x gets jealous, and z feels like she's betraying a, but all the time she can't help it... I'll shut up now.

Also, our emotions seem to affect the others in order of who's been 'around' for longest. If Kerry (our original)'s upset, we all tend to get a lot of it, and likewise with Lynn or Andy. If someone relatively new like Kyle is upset, though, we tend to be influenced by it a little less, although we all feel it. Oddly, it doesn't really work in reverse when we're happy.

[weirdiguess.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you've got going on the same thing Selene and Lu have. Lu was the main, now Selene is, and they both feel kinda stuck together apparently. Blendy a lot, it varies. You'd have to ask them about it.

(luwana and kangetsuhime)

[yellowsub723.livejournal.com]

For us, different merging and blending tends to occur with growth and as various parts begin to develop a sense of self separate from the rest of the system. I almost think of the whole situation as being analogous to the paradox of waves vs. particles. For us, a new executive developed that was born out of our therapist in many ways. He is more capable of soothing, empathiy, compassion, etc--and is more grounded. This also occurred when we moved from student to professional. The part that was mostly front to go to college backed off as I began actually working in the field. Luckily I have access to all that knowledge.

[jjcandm.livejournal.com]

Mrr sorry to hear that was distressing. I hope youse are feeling better now.

J and j have co-fronted all our lives. It does get blendy between us, it was a bit distressing to become more distinct in response to dealing with life stuff, but the degree to which we share memory and identity, not knowing who thought what, was never overly stressful.