Could somebody answer some questions for me?

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

I joined this community several months ago and this is my first post here. Please take me seriously I’m in dire need of help. First of all, I have been diagnosed with DID, PTSD, depression and self injury issues. I’m a survivor of long term childhood sexual abuse and I have been in therapy since 1990 dealing with everything. Currently I’m in therapy at a free sexual assault crisis center. My problem is that since it’s a center for victims of sexual assault they won’t put a diagnosis on my mental problems. My current therapist is even reluctant to acknowledge the possibility that I have multiple personalities. But anyone who is around me for any length of time picks up on it rather quickly. I am a multiple and I always have been one.
My mate and I have been together for going on 26 years now and we’re on the verge of breaking up because of my multiplicity. I’m on the brink of losing it because of everybody inside me getting out of control. My life is in total shambles because I can’t keep myself mentally together enough to work a regular job. In the past I had her support and understanding but now that is ending. In the past I worked when I was able, but now I’m totally nonfunctional.
I just can’t keep things together enough to hold a job. Has anyone else ever been unable to hold a job for any length of time because of their multiplicity?

I was wondering if I should seek help at another mental health center where I have to pay for their services. Maybe then my multiplicity will be finally addressed? I really have to get it under control because it’s wrecking my life. In the past my multiplicity helped me to function but now it’s a hindrance. Lately I have been losing track of time. Sections of my life are blacked out and I’m unable remember what went on. In the past it was as if I was watching somebody else living my life. There are times in my life where I can’t remember anything at all about what went on, I have no memory what so ever. But they had a clear beginning and end to them. But mostly, I’m sort of aware when another person is out. But I can’t do anything to change what they are doing. But like I said, recently I have had a total loss of time and I’m really scared that I’m losing it. Right now, I’m Cynthia she is the one who more or less decides who needs to be out in order to function. In attempt to be a singular by my core personality, I have been suppressed or kept inside for five or six months. Right now in our lives everything is in shambles.

What I was wondering, should I seek help for the DID and MPD somewhere else where they will take it seriously? Is there some kind of medication that I could be put on to stop or at least slow down the personality changes? Can all of this be brought under control or am I just hopelessly screwed up mentally? Please take me seriously, I’m not faking this, it really is wrecking my life.

Comments

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Could there be another reason for your DID being so problematic? Chances are it may not be the DID which is the problem, but something else which is causing it to flare up so badly. we switch unintentionally under different kinds of stress etc.

also, you may get more response at fragmentedminds. They generally deal more specifically with DID.

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your help. Right now I'm under extreme stress because of things that are going on in my life. It was at the beginning of the year that I lost my job and I haven't been able to get another one. Not having any kind of health insurance I had to go off my medications Prozac and Zanax. Then a little over a month ago that my Mom died. But the biggest problem is that my soul mate of 26 years said that she will leave me if she can't have a someone else in her life. She met a Man who is into BDSM and she signed a contract to be his submissive. I struggle with jealousy and that is a problem for me. But when ever I get to where I can accept her and him another person takes over and all hell breaks loose. Besides that I'm pushing myself really hard to find fast just in case she leaves me for him. This morning I'm checking out another mental health center to see if it will be of more help with my problem. Thanks again for listening.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

Did she sign this contract with your permission? Healthy poly requires everyone to be know about pretty much everything. It sounds like she is pushing ahead too hard without you being comfortable, and that's unhealthy. She needs to know that.

A good method for coping for jealousy, though long term, is constant reassurance from her. Making sure to spend time with you, setting aside private time with no interruptions whether it's dinner or sex, going to the latest movie you both want to see etc, just generally making you aware that she does and always will adore you. These are all things she can do to help you. Let her know that you need reassurance.

You could try giving your alters journals, paper or online, to vent their emotions at. A punch bag, whether bought or makeshift, for them to rage on. Hell, even violent computer games or something of the sort. Let them vent their feelings at something else. Let them know you're listening. IMO nothing pisses someone off more than being ignored.

For yourself there's also meditation, investing in a relaxing incense you really like (I prefer oil burners, less smokey), take baths with incense oils or anything else that might relax you. Again with the journal idea, getting your emotions *out* into anything, a journal or whatever, is very theraputic.


Hope this helps.

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

I was given the choice to either sign the contract or she would just leave. She told me that I have a choice, it's either 50% of her, or nothing at all. So i really feel that there was pressure put on me to sing something that I really don't agree with. It was suppose to be for only one evening a week, but now it's now two nights a week, plus weekend play parties. I was also suppose to be involved in the BDSM lifestyle but now she doesn't want me around. I feel as if i have been totally replace by her Dom Richard.
Weeks ago I expressed my feeling to her Dom Richard about slowing things down until Everybody inside me could adjust. But it never slowed down, in fact now the whole thing is out of control. She was to be completely honest to me about what she does, but she hasn't keep that part of the contract. I have asked her about events at the play parties and she lies to me, by not telling me everything.
Then over the next several days mutual friends will say something about her activities that she left out. I'm the last to know and, that is the problem.

I lost all respect and trust in her Dom Richard because he knows how I feel about slowing things down and he hasn't. All Richard cares about is getting what he wants and he doesn't care if he destroyes our marriage in the process. So how am i suppose to feel good about all of this when i'm getting pushed aside and ignored? Right now until I get a job, the big threat is that she will just walk out and we will lose everything. By the way, my wife knew about all of us inside me, and my mental issues before we got married.

Normally I do let everyone inside me out to journal,draw paint, sketch or to just write. But We have lost our studio to her, it's now a BDSM dungeon so that she can play at home. By the way, because of the abuse most of us
are female personalities. It's when the male personalities are out that everything falls apart.

Getting back to journaling, we have journals that go all the way back to 1978 that everyone has kept. We're in the process of putting them together and getting them organized in order. after looking back through them there is no doubt that there are more that just one person in the body.

[kangetsuhime.livejournal.com]

If I were you I would seriously consider leaving her, emotionally and legally if not in terms of housing. She has cheated on you. She is cheating on you. She is taking advantage of you and I would even go so far as to say that she is utterly using you if not abusing you. It's not just Richard that's destroying your marriage, it's her as well. If she claims to love you after all this shit, I would laugh in her face. If she loves you she can prove it by slowing down. What a bitch.

You don't need a studio. Just a room, any room.

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

My regular therapist has often pointed it out that my wife is abusing me. But my options are sort of limited when it comes for a place to go if i decide to leave. This afternoon i got a phone call from Richard's wife blaming my wife and I for the whole mess. Richard was suppose to abide by my feelings as well but he chooses to ignore them.

I also took your advice about a studio. I just took my sketch pad in the living room tonight and i sketched for a couple of hours. Thanks for the support.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am so sorry how this happened.

I don't think your multiplicity is the issue from what you've described, it's your partner. This isn't how a respectful polyamorous relationship works at all - your needs should be respected as well.

And if you do have abuse issues, BDSM *can* be very triggering. I would suggest you get in touch with a woman's shelter and look for support in getting established on your own. That may include looking at disability or other supports; take them!

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

I have already been in touch with a shelter and I carry their phone number with me constantly. early this morning I went to make an appointment at a mental health center which also helps people get disability. Thinking back, when the BDSM was added to the relationship is when things really got out of control. Thank you for your support.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Good for you. It sounds like you're on the road to getting better support.

Hypothetically (and you would want to explore this gently) if the BDSM stuff *were* upsetting people in your system, they could react with a lot of the things you've described - more loss of time as they protect you from the fear and memories etc. This isn't to say it works that way for everyone, but you never know. If it is true, it isn't that your system is less functional - it's more like hyper-functional; reacting really strongly to a perceived threat. :-)

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

You may find that http://www.manyvoicespress.com is of more help, since they can refer you to clinics where doctors at least believe that multiplicity exists.

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your support. Right now I live in a very small town in Southern Illinois so I have to take what i can get. The nearest real help is about 60 miles away and getting there is the problem. Even though i'm in counseling right now, i need a fresh approach. So this morning I went to a local Mental health center and I made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I didn't get more than a few minutes to talk to a therapist but she told me to slow things down until i see her. Basically i was told to just sleep if I have to.
But most importantly she seemed to believe me about being a multiple so only time will tell if she can help me.

[chezames.livejournal.com]

This is our opinion only, but We felt We needed to point these things out.

First, you are under stress because of your mom. I know that is more recent than all the turmoil you're going through, but that will make it worse now. Second, being given the ultimatum to sign that contract also created a lot of stress. That alone is enough to cause turmoil in your life and therefore in those lives within you.

Being forced to sign that contract was WRONG. Her not following it WRONG. If your SO really loved you, she wouldn't insist you sign something that you are not comfortable with. She would also not "cheat" and break that contract. We don't think her wanting to leave you has anything to do with your MPD. It seems like she is TRYING to push you away but blame it on you. You need to sit down and tell het that you want her in your life but only if everything that happens is agreed apon by both (all) of you. I mean, that is what a true relationship is about. If she loves you, she'd want your relationship to be happy and healthy.

As for finding a place that will take your multiplicity seriously and help you with it, YES. If you are having problems functioning because of it, you should definately have someone help you get control. You are NOT hopeless/helpless !

Good luck and let us know how things go :)

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

First of all, thank you for being supportive. When i first posted this morning I felt totally useless. But everybody has helped me to see things more clearly. I was so off balance this morning i felt as if everything was my fault. Looking back at my relationship it has always been blame my Mental Issues for all of the problems. But now I realize that it's not all my fault.
Thanks again for the support and helping me to see things more clearly. I'll let everyone know how things turn out.

Part One

[pengke.livejournal.com]

You need to control the chaos but stopping the others from coming out is not the answer. Being multiple isn't ruining your life. It's just making it more difficult because you're all under a lot of stress and you're trying to deal with it individually instead of as a team.

You're vulnerable right now because you think that getting rid of the others will give you back control in your life. If you see a DID specialist, you'll probably end up believing everything he or she tells you because you want the others gone. What you need is someone to help you build teamwork and communication and you probably won't find that with a specialist. Ask your counselor or your new therapist to treat you like a family therapy case. They don't even have to believe that you're really multiple to do this. It doesn't matter if they really believe that you're making things up, expressing aspects of yourself in the form of other personalities, or whatever as long as they're willing to treat you as a group session. The others will be able to get therapy for their issues. You'll be able to share information and work on group issues. You'll also be able to work on communication and strengthening the group dynamic.

You can do things to help yourselves, though. You have to find a way to communicate with everyone else. Try talking to them or leaving notes. Get across the idea that everyone switching all the time is causing chaos. Enlist Cynthia's aid to add control. Do NOT stop everyone from using the body because it's their body too. (Not to mention that will make people mad and they'll stop working with you.) Schedule things out so that people don't come out at inappropriate times. Start keeping to-do lists and record the things you are doing during the day. If everyone participates then you'll know what happened even if you lose time and people will know what they need to do while they're using the body. The important thing is to get people working together.

Re: Part One

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

After reading what you wrote, I realized something. The time in my life that i was the most functional was when I left things alone. I would just let out who ever could handle the situation the best. As strange as it might sound I feel that everyone inside me was created or exists with a distinct purpose in mind.
Right now I'm Cynthia and i have been picking up the pieces all day and things are settling down somewhat. Thank you for taking time to help me sort through all of this. I really intend on using the idea about having a things to do list, that will really help keep things running smoother. Thanks again for your help and support.

Part Two

[pengke.livejournal.com]

There are several possible reasons for why things are so chaotic for you now:

You recently came off of your medication. Some multiples are very sensitive to drugs and they can affect group operations. If the medication suppressed the others or impaired their ability to use the body, they may be being a bit over zealous in trying to make up for lost time. Similarly, your body is adjusting to the lack of medication and that may be having an affect on things.

You just lost your mother. This event can cause upheaval for anyone but parents are a particularly touchy topic for most multiples. Not everyone in a system views the body's parents as their parents but for those that do it can be very frustrating and heartbreaking. Here is someone that you love very much but they don't even know you exist. Any interactions with this person are through the guise of someone else. It's even harder for people who used to run the body for a period of time but don't anymore because their parent used to know them and show them affection but they don't anymore. It's a lot to deal with and that's not even including any issues that the individual people might have with your mother because of any association with your history of abuse or perceived wrong doings.

Then you add in your significant other who is royally screwing y'all over and it's no wonder you guys are in chaos. You can't have a sense of stability because your access to shelter is in danger. You're upset because you're losing someone important to you but there are probably others in your system that are equally attached to her and upset. There are probably a lot of people who are angry with her for putting y'all in this position and taking advantage of you. Since you mentioned that it's mostly males causing problems, it's possible that the SO is causing gender issues. They may feel angry because you are losing her to a male or inadequate because he has the penis that they lack.

You're also dealing with the topic of BDSM. While you personally are fine with it, it's possible that others in the group are not. BDSM can be very difficult to deal with when you have a history of sexual abuse. I'd imagine that it's also a topic that's hard to grasp and easy to misunderstand when you're dealing with younger people like kids and teenagers in your system. It could be bringing old fears and issues to the surface in some people.

Re: Part Two

[darkest-art507.livejournal.com]

In the past i sort of felt like if something is working then why fix it. But i forced myself into trying to be a singular and that is clearly not a good idea. The reason why i did it was because my mate said that she was tired of there being so many of us. So we or us , became just I or me, and that is when everything went to hell in my life. Your right about the being off my meds playing a big part of the insanity. Right now Cynthia is still out. It just too long to go into right now but I came into being as a way to please my Mom. So losing her and stuffing me inside was probably not the smartest thing that we could do.

After thinking about it my mate really did choose a time when we were at our weakest to make her demands. Right after the death of my Mom, and her threat to leave really sealed the deal. Then add to that not having anyone at all to grieve my Mom with pushed me to agree to her demands. Your comments along with the other comments have allowed me to see things more clearly. It was sort of a jump start for my brain which i really needed. Thank you again for taking the time to post a comment.

The BDSM thing really triggers rapid switching back and forth because of us being sexually abused. Some of us took more abuse than others and it probably not a good idea to be around it.

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about the way your partner is treating you. She's being extremely disrespectful, and I can't even imagine what it is like to have your partner playing around in your own home.

I'd take any services you could get in order to get out of that extremely stressful situation..as someone else suggested. A shelter, or SSI perhaps.

Obviously we have nothing new to say..there are some wicked intelligent groups of people in this community, and clearly they've said it all. I just wanted to offer my warmest best wishes, that you all may have the space and serenity to work through some these changes in your lives, and to lay old traumas to rest.

Morpho, Hannie? Gilead?
(we have no idea-)

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We are sorry about your mother.

As others have said, it really sounds as if your wife is much more of a problem than your multiplicity.

Some abuse survivors and some multiples find BDSM when played properly and ethically helpful because they can process abuse memories or because it lets them be in charge of what happens, etc. There are several on this community who are knowledgeable about this.

But they'd also be the first to tell you it is not for everybody, and nobody should ever be forced into it. Furthermore, your wife is not being "safe, sane and consensual" about it. She sounds like she is simply out for what she can get and taking advantage of you guys.

You've already received a lot of excellent responses from other people and we're not going to repeat it, except this:

No one should ever feel they have to integrate or pretend to integrate simply because a spouse or other family member just can't handle multiplicity. If you do better as multiple, stay that way.

We lost several family members around this time two years ago, and we remember them in a quiet ceremony with candles. We are doing that now and we will think of your mother, too. Honour to you, Cynthia, and all your people.