Introduction ~ Could Trigger~

[autumskiss.livejournal.com]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Sherri. I am not a multiple, but a single. I am VERY close to someone who is a multiple and who is having a very difficult time with it of late. I joined last week and have been kind of lurking, just checking it out to see what it was like in hopes of finding out information for myself in hopes of being able to help him.

As of a month ago he had 7 alters, two of which are very extremely dominate and hurtful. One is actually out to hurt me through him, as well as destroy the core of him completely.

My friend IS growing weaker psychically and emotionally every single day that passes by. Right now he is unable to seek help because of a failing marriage. His wife does not believe that he has MPD/DID and refuses to let him seek help. They fight constantly, and the more that they fight, the more that they violent alters come out. My Friend actually fears for his wife's life.

I am frightened for him. I want to help and have no idea how. He lives in Arizona, I am in California. He fears that if I come there, the alter that is after me will harm me. So he wont let me near him now or in the near future. He wont let me near him until his alters are under any kind of control.

So, these are the questions that I have.

1. What can I do for him in ways of support to make him feel safe and secure when we talk?

2. If an alter comes out while we are talking (especially the violent ones), how can I bring my friend back in with out bringing harm to him?

3, How can I assure him that this isnt going to scare me away, and that I love him no matter what? He has lost so much because of his MPD... I dont want to be another person.. He has tried to push me away out of fear, and I havent left. He has always come back glad that I havent left. Even relieved.

4. Is there a way that he can become stronger or less weak untill he can actually get to a therapist?

Before all of this happened, he had actually had partially intregration done. All but the child was intregrated. Now, with all of this, he has actually discovered that he has more than he was first diagnosed with, which was 7... The more there are, the deeper and darker they become. It is scareing him to death. He doesnt know what to do, and I have never dealt with this before, so I dont know how to help him.

ANY help would be so appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Comments

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

Have you or your friend tried talking to the violent members of his system to find out why they act that way? I think that would be very important - they probably need just as much help as your friend does, and once you know why they're upset your friend should have a much easier time dealing with them. Although if they refuse to talk and just insist on being violent without giving a reason (or any indication that they plan to stop being violent any time soon) - that could be a big problem.

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

1. Well I don't know your friend, but I guess the best way would be to just tell him that when you talk things are confidential, that you want to help him, and all of that. That he's safe to say whatever he wants to and doesn't have to worry about what you'll think about it.

2. First off I'd treat them like a real person, not just an "alter". Especially if it's one of the non-violent ones, try to establish a friendship and explain who you are and your intentions as well as your relationship to your friend if they don't know all that already. Perhaps having more friends in the system working together will help calm down the more violent members. It might be rude to them for you to show no interest in having anything to do with them and only wanting to associate with the one member of the system. Just try to be polite about the situation.

3. Tell him that. My advice here is pretty much the same for #1.

4. This will depend on him and his system - all systems work differently, and I can't really say that Our system works like what I think you're describing or that I'm all too sure what would be causing it maybe. But I'd also recommend that he consciously keeps up with his health as anyone would do regardless of being multiple or not. (As in making sure he's eating a healthy diet, getting enough rest, not coming down with a cold, etc.)

Also, just a note. A lot of people here are very anti-integration. To many multiples it is like murder because it is essentially killing off people in a system. You might want to check out some of the FAQs linked on the community userinfo about integration and just about multiplicity in general. Reading some of the community members' personal pages might give you some more insight about how other (functional) systems work as multiples. The fact that he's trying to integrate may also be contributing to the anger of some of the other members in the system. Wouldn't you act out violently if someone was trying to kill you? Try to think of it that way.

~Bleach

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like he may be in a situation where people feel pressured to act out in order to get his attention. You mentioned that the system had tried to integrate before and thought for a while that it had worked. While I have heard of some systems who integrated and were actually able to make it stay, it seems that they're the exception rather than the rule. Many therapists won't admit to this, but a lot of multiples ultimately find that it's a better option to simply learn to live and cooperate together as many.

He may have been told by someone that integration was always permanent. He may have been told that he's the 'real' person who has more of a right to the body/life than the others, and can't understand why these things are happening, if this is the case. As frightening as it may be to feel that one's life has been taken over by violent forces, it can also be very frightening to share a body with someone when others think you shouldn't exist, and should die or be forced to become part of someone else. Someone in that situation may become desperate. They may begin to feel as if their only option is to scare and intimidate the person they feel is keeping them suppressed. They may become resentful and start to feel that if they can't have a life of their own, they can at least keep someone else from having the life they want.

In any case, he needs to start talking with them-- possibly through notes if he has difficulty doing so directly-- and might want to offer to make compromises with them; i.e. they can have such-and-such amount of time to themselves out front if they agree not to harm him or anyone outside the body.

[hellmutt.livejournal.com]

If he's becoming violent, he needs to get into therapy this minute.

[toobloodyright.livejournal.com]

being a singular in a relationship with someone who is not (or rather, is singular, just happens to share a body with a bunch of other singulars), i feel qualified to offer you some help where i can :D
1. What can I do for him in ways of support to make him feel safe and secure when we talk?
just be there for him. keep talking to him, tell him you love him, you care for him, and try to work out his problems with him. safety and security is something that is built up naturally over time.

2. If an alter comes out while we are talking (especially the violent ones), how can I bring my friend back in with out bringing harm to him?
what i do when someone other than meye (the amazing lady of the picture) is at front is, i talk with them. ask them how they are, whats going on, etc. if someone is around, it;s because they have a right to be, and they want to excersize that right. as for violent people, i'd still talk to them. instead of directly asking why they're violent, i'd just ignore the question and begin a friendship with them. after all, most violent/antisocial people are just troubled people with noone to talk to about it.

3, How can I assure him that this isnt going to scare me away, and that I love him no matter what? He has lost so much because of his MPD... I dont want to be another person.. He has tried to push me away out of fear, and I havent left. He has always come back glad that I havent left. Even relieved.
keep not leaving. keep being there for him. again, his trust is something that will take some time to build.

4. Is there a way that he can become stronger or less weak untill he can actually get to a therapist?
i'm not a very good athority on in-system problems, seeing how my system is only one person (and i like him very much :D *gives myself a hug* ahem anyway) but as far as dealing out here "in the 3-d", just keep being there for him. let him see that youa re a rock that he can always rest on, a sympathetic ear that he can always tell his troubles to. it won't help much, granted, but maybe it will plug the floodgates for a bit.
also, be careful about therapists. i agree that if he's becoming violent, he should see one asap, but most therapists are kindof dumb on the subject of multiplicity.

anyways hope i helped *hugs*

[shandra.livejournal.com]

1) While he's in that living situation (and by the way, I am not sure I understand how a wife can prevent a husband from seeking help, so red flag there) he probably won't feel safe and secure anywhere. But you can listen to him.

2) In a word: don't. Picture this. Every time you walk into a room the people there look at you (or past you) and say "oh - where's Joe? Can I talk to Joe?" It's demeaning and nasty. It would likely make you want to leave. That's their body too and their life too. They have equal rights to your friend. Until you understand that it will be hard to support them as a unit, and it's as a unit (more or less) that they will move towards health, or not.

If there's a specific reason you need to talk to your friend, you could say politely "I know it's a pain but I need to talk to my friend because I need to know if he's meeting me Thursday" or whatever.

3) Just stick it out. But remember. All those other people in his system are people too. So if you are committing to being with him, you are committing to having some kind of relationship - friendly, wary, whatever - with everyone else. This means trying to forge a detente or peace with the people who, for whatever reason, are acting out at you. It may be that your trying to get your friend back to the front is contributing to their desire to treat you badly.

If you can't commit to relating with basic respect and consideration with everyone and anyone in his system, leave now. Honestly. It doesn't mean you have to like everyone or put up with nasty stuff, but you need to know that you are not befriending a single person. You are befriending a person who is surrounded at all times by other people who are forced to share /their/ body and /their/ life with /him/.

4) In my opinion he should not concentrate on strength, but on listening. It seems to me from the very little information here that the people you are labelling as dark and violent actually may have the best grasp on the situation. If my arm were broken and my husband were keeping me from getting it set, I would become violent towards him.

If your friend is not seeking therapy and is in emotional pain, and instead trying to fix his relationship, that's likely a Big Fat Reason that the other people in his system are trying to a) hurt him (get him out of the way) and b) hurt the wife that's standing in the way. From their perspective his loyalty is to her and not to them. Now they may be messed up and violent anyway, but really, if their violence is directed at someone who (it sounds like) does not have his best interests at heart, they are by default on their side.

A truly violent and dark alter would support the wife.

And as a final note, if someone tried to integrate ME I would become much deeper and darker... wouldn't you, if someone were trying to wipe you out of existence?

I would encourage him to talk to people who are multiple, too.

Good luck; I've been pretty blunt but I think your desire to help is genuine and your connection and caring can be a real positive to your friend.

Shandra

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

sorry for coming in late. from what it sounds like, he's pushing you away and there's not alot you can do.

you do realize your in a community with a slightly alternative viewpoint on dealing with multiplicity? most here aren't big fans of integration, and those that are, don't seem comfortable saying so.
your friend sounds to me like he's on a mission to suppress his people and is afraid he's losing. many other places will bravo his efforts and refer him to meds and treatments that will help him do this.

the 101's around here include working out good communication, (which, seemingly, doesn't occur to a number of multiples out there) conflict resolution, working things out for the good of all, etc...

If I were you, I'd send him links. This place, some of the places on the policy screen etc. its always good to help someone know what his options are.
But I think this is his(their) problem, and they(he) will have to find their(you get it) answers. So my advice to you is know that sometimes you just cant help someone, so that you're prepared if it turns out to be the case.

you're welcome to send him my email an explain I'm some random dude that claimed to have experienced similar things, thats willing to tell him what worked for me(us) and answer and questions I can.

changelyng... at... gmail (I hate internet bots)

-Lovecry