hello, it's me

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

hi, me again

i just wanted to thank folks here for all of their positive input in how i've been feeling about this whole thing...really, i have nowhere to go...i do talk to my one person IRL, and sometimes my daughter - who told me
"this explains a lot of your behaviour"

ok...

saw a movie that surprized me about it being a trigger...i won't go into detail about the film, only that's pan's labyrinth and much of it did not sit well w/me...
or "anyone" else, for that matter...

i have learned that one of the "males" is a 16 yr. angry boy named "julian"...
he drives fsst, but doesn't have a license yet...i say "angry", but i think that's more of a "show"...

this is still so confusing and i have no idea what goes on when i get into what i call a "funk"...it's like i'm in the back seat of a car, and someone else is driving and i'm looking thru the windshield...well, i have some idea, but still unsure...i know the "girls" like the music in the car...

i'm learning a few things here and there, but then i want to wake up and this not be here...

so, thanks for listening...

Comments

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

yeah.. pan's labrynth is um.. intense.. considering the setting.. there's lots of stuff that could bother people. very very icky in places.

we're always around to listen
-Gryphons

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

yeah, that movie effected more than i thought it would...
someone else left the seat - someone else went to the bathroom and the boy drove home...
my friend saw all of this and helped me along w/it...
i was tired by the time i got home...

the ending REALLY did the trick...

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

*nods* from what we've seen yeah.. it's one reason we try to goto movies with friends.. who know.. that way we can be safe.. and if we do switch or have a flashback.. there's someone who knows what to do around..

Glad you had a friend with you.. who helped.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

he and i talk about this once a week...
any more than that and i would probably scream...

he understands so much more than i can think that he would...
he's great at this and that makes "me" uncomfortable...
like "great, someone else knows - shit"
and it's one...

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

*nods* yeah.. a lot of our friends who are single souled.. understand a lot more than we could ever expect. .. sometimes they also provide different perspectives. that we can't see.. or skip over cause we're so caught up in things. . and sometimes just help in grounding ourselves here and now.. ..

it was really creepy at first.. heck sometimes it still is.. specially when we're freaking out about something that came up .. or a drawing people did and they basically help us through it.. and help piece things together.. (sorry don't know if any of this makes sense right now.. it's late and we're wiped.. *)

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i would like to show you a painting...it's called "guardian of the secrets" by jackson pollack...
are you familiar w/his work?

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

heard of it.. haven't seen much since TAG art class in high school

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

well, i just didn't want to post it and have it bother anyone...so i thought to ask first cuz one can't be too careful...

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

doubt it would bother anyone to post a link to a picture... think we found it.. http://www.kaliweb.com/jacksonpollock/images/art/guardiansofthesecret.jpg

that one? it's interesting.. not our preferred style of art.. but intense

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

intense is right - it's brought tears to my eyes...

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

this http://www.artoffaery.com/oeprints.html
or http://www.strangeling.com/home.html
or http://www.mykajelina.com/

are usually more our style.. oh and Sandra San Tara.. we love her artwork..

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

this is so cool...

thanks for the links...

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I saved these links. :) Thank you.

-Butterfly

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

It looks lots of scribbles. ?

-Butterfly

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

yeah.. most of pollacks work does that..
and you're welcome for the links to the other sites
www.windwolf.com is sandra san tara's site..

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the link. :)

I'm sorry for the typo. I forgot the word 'like'. I've been noticing I do lots of typos. :(

-Butterfly

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

don't worry about typos.. we can usually interpret most of them..

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Is the movie scary? :( I've seen so many commercials on the television about horror movies. I don't understand why people want to watch other people being murdered like that. :( Even if it's supposed to be pretend.

-Butterfly

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

a little on the creepy side, yes...

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

:( I hope you're feeling better today. Hug.

-Butterfly

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

actually, no - i am not...
not today...
revelations last night and this morning...

just a whole lot going on...
i'm pretty safe here at work, so i will be here until 7pm...

can i friend you? or you know, if that's ok w/you?

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

:( You can add if you like to. I am online off and on. I wish that movie didn't start all this for you! :(

-Butterfly

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

the movie didn't "START" something that wasn't already there...
it simply added to it...
and really, i've been trying to get a handle on all of this for a long time..
it's just recently surfaced due to other circumstances...
and now it's here...
for whatever reason - i have to deal w/this now...and i wish i didn't...

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I meant recently starting it all. I admit that I don't really understand it all, but I understand when someone is in pain. :(

-Butterfly

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you...

i don't want to blame the movie, as i think i should have researched it a little better than what i did...

still, you're right...i'm sure i could have done w/a comedy than this...

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

If you need someone to talk to, you can add me to msn and I'll be more than happy to burble on for hours XD

I have my own angry boy here, now considerably more mellow after a few months to consolidate himself. They're fun guys to have around :p

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i have yahoo messenger, i am cgable63...thanks...

"julian" likes cutting, and driving fast and not caring...
there has been a type of truce/trade-off, he doesn't "kill" anyone, and they let him drive...

my friend "met" him last night...they shook hands, but nothing was said...my friend said this takes time and there is no rush...

fine...
i just want this over with and i don't see that happening at all...
fuck...
so confusing...

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

The cutting is a bit of a worry, but the rest can most likely be dealt with.

Sadly, it probably isn't a short term thing, but there are definately ways to come to some kind of balance.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i cut the week before and had long talks about that...

and yeah, i am more than certain this isn't short term...
i feel things that...
i don't know...

can i add you to my f'list? would you mind?
i don't really have anyone that i can talk w/about this...

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Sure, you can add me. I don't know how much help I'll be, but I'm happy to listen ^_^

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thanks - i appreciate that...