trying to get out of a monopolistic situation

[ex-nanonyan.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Might as well ask, since it's been a problem for ages, even though I don't like showing weakness..

I've been the primary fronter for a very long time - three and a half years now. They made me, I guess you could say, to stay in charge of things, which I am doing. From the moment I was born and awake I was in charge and couldn't escape it (which was hard). If someone switched out it was only for a short time. Everyone decided on this and worked together to make it happen that way because they weren't able to handle various things that were going on in our lives and made someone who had enough context-sensitive "good parts" to be able to handle what was going on. (Specifically, they needed a girl in front and there weren't any in the system.)

Anyway, the problems have passed and now we all want to have a normal system where everyone shares time pretty much equally. (That's what normal would be for us right now, anyway.) Thing is, it's hard! *Really* hard! It's hard for others to stay out and it's hard for me to let them stay out. We made this rule, me and the others in our council, that if I didn't let someone out in the space of two days they'd be let out for three hours and I couldn't stop them. That worked, as in someone came out and I couldn't help it, but I was going SO crazy from not having fronting control that the council held an emergency session and had me back in front in ten minutes or so. The poor girl who ended up coming out was also pretty stressed out by the situation and is still recovering.

I have no idea what to do. We have no idea what to do. I'm not used to being in the back, and they're not used to being in the front. I'm scared, they're scared, and nobody's equipped or strong enough to be able to stay out for any extensive period of time. I thought that if we kept doing it, it'd get easier, and it did, but the habits are so strong that it's almost impossible to keep with it. Eventually I forget, stop thinking about it, and then I don't grow or change at all.

Anyone ever had a problem with having had a monopoly and then having to figure out how to get rid of the old habits? Any suggestions? o.x

Comments

[catchild.livejournal.com]

Any suggestions? o.x

I can see how being created to front could make it harder for you to give up the controls. My reccomendation is to start with baby steps, letting someone be out for a minute or two at a time. When you are all comfortable with the tiny time up it by the same amount of time that the origanil time was. (for example if the first time increment was one min then the time would increase by one min each time an increase is caled for.) once you are comfortable with an hour increase the time increments (my suggestion would be to five min increments)

I would also reccomend that you practice giveing others time out front in safe settings. If you absoulutly have to maintain continuity in a given situation then have the one who is used to fronting handle it. Work on setting up situations where you are safe to be yourselves, then practice letting others front when you are in those safe places.

I'd type more but the body's hands are giving out.

CT

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

In our case, one of us who was fronting nearly on her own for 10 years, suddenly decided she wanted a vacation and left the rest of us scrambling to fill a vacuum we weren't prepared to fill.

It seems like it would be a simple thing to take over if we've been watching from the sidelines for awhile, but watching and doing sure are two different things.

What we did, was tried not to leave any one person in total fronting position on their own. We fronted in pairs for awhile. This felt a little more comforting and less scary, even. It is scary to find yourself in a situation you've never had to do before. But knowing that we weren't doing it completely alone was a big help for us.

As for suggestions, have you tried making a schedule? Perhaps on an erasable whiteboard or on a calendar, everyone can have a set time or day where they practice being out front for awhile.

We see it a bit like exercising. You wouldn't rush to lift 50lbs weights right off. You'd start with maybe 5lbs and work your way up from there. This situation is similar to that.

Start small. If five minutes is too much for one of you, then grab a partner who can handle fronting for longer and have them team up (if your group is able to co-front, that is). Perhaps having someone who can handle fronting for 3 hours is paired with the one who can only handle fronting for 5 minutes will help that one to stretch their time up to 15 minutes. Eventually it could become longer.

Be patient. It is frustrating, but you're working toward everyone feeling comfortable, so patience is important.

I hope that helps some.

-Jenilee, Henna & Kalem

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

Perhaps start off with some short activities that the person who's new to fronting would enjoy. It's easier to be out when having fun. Perhaps playing one round/level/whatever of a computer game, or making/eating a meal that they like. Then gradually stretch it until the people in question can front as long as they want to.

- Es & Kat

[morgil-lomion.livejournal.com]

We've had problems with monopolies in the past but only because people didn't want to let go and give someone else a chance, we're all pretty capable up-front and that helps. Perhaps you might see if there's a way to arrange it so that people who aren't-fronting can sit near-front and observe what's going on so that they can get the idea of how to cope with being outside. Then perhaps a slow transition could be made to where they had some control over how things were done before they had to be outside alone and responsible for what happens.

As far as you learning to let go of the front goes all of that might help as well, giving you confidence that they can all handle themselves. It'd also be good if the person who was out knows that they can always fall-back and give you the lead if they are uncomfortable, that way you can take a break yet still be confident that if anything that's difficult to handle happens you won't have to be left-out of the loop.

Also its just good to think of falling back as taking a break, a vacation so-to-speak. Other than that its just something I've found you have to learn to be "ok" with

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

we have members that have trouble getting and holding the face too.
i personally have trouble giving it up.

we use alot of tricks to try to regulate switching.

-trigger abuse. a number of us have natural triggers, we abuse those. candy can be 'summoned' by playing loud music, synch can be summoned by thinking about logic puzzles. we've also had luck reprogramming our triggers.

-wanting it. its easier to front if you want to front, its easier to 'throw' if you want someone else to front.

-clothes. take ownership of clothes, and wear them appropriately.

-purpose. it might rattle people to say this, but get people up, figure out what people are particularly good at or enjoy, and make it their thing. have them handle it at least most of the time.


Another thing, keep in mind it may not necessarily vital to your overall systems health to have everyone fronting. if it never happens, plenty of perfectly content systems have solo fronters, so dont feel like a failure or nothing.

good luck
-Lovecry

[luwana.livejournal.com]

-trigger abuse. a number of us have natural triggers, we abuse those. candy can be 'summoned' by playing loud music, synch can be summoned by thinking about logic puzzles. we've also had luck reprogramming our triggers.

*giggle* Want Selene to front? Play bizarre Finnish music at high volumes! The problem is, now *I* have a hard time keeping front when it's on! Grrrrr!


-clothes. take ownership of clothes, and wear them appropriately.

We have an, uh *COUGH* clothes vs no clothes rule for at night to prevent any confusion from our partner. It was meant to become an indication for him, and has become a trigger. Same problem as above, we now can't swap without serious head explodey!

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

Rule #1: There is no such thing as a normal system.
Rule #2: See rule #1 ;)

If you guys want to try letting people have some time in the front, you might want to try very small moments in a safe place. Like a minute or five. Ten caused you all a bunch of stress - so how about trying one minute?

Or you could try sharing the front (that co-present thing.) we rarely have only one person around the front. Most of the time we have 2-5 people at or around the front. Some of our people don't front, and that's okay too.

[luwana.livejournal.com]

Simpley, practice.

I have been the only person using this body since it was born. Then along came selene, and I had to learn how to let go. she, having been an 'only child' in the body sense, also had to learn how to *take* front.

It took a long time, but we learned.

If losing front totally is too tough, we've had good runs with co-fronting, or one watching over the other's shoulder, stuff like that.

[duathir.livejournal.com]

I did not attempt to 'front' until 1998, and still find it difficult to do so for long. It is physically uncomfortable, emotionally frustrating, may subject us to the risk of discovery, and is of no practical value, since I lack the strength and coordination to accomplish anything useful. The only advantage is that it enables me to communicate directly, and that would not be sufficient reason for me to do it, were it not for the wishes of my Kin and friends.

It has grown easier with practice, and I do not rule out the possibility that with continued practice I might come to better terms with this body in time. However, I have no great enthusiasm for the project, and certain misgivings about the appropriateness of it.

[molly-elizabeth.livejournal.com]

alex_antonin and I fight a lot for fronting control, heer in tha fayanora system. He and Tristan and Fayanora fight a lot, too. Itz not that Alex iz meen or nuffin, he just thinkz ov hissef as protectur and iz paranoid that someone will bully us for reveelin suttin about our multiplicity (like me talkin in lilspeak at work, which I haffa admit I done once) or gettin sad. He knows in his mind sadness aint weakness but emoshunly he don't.

Hold on a momen... *Fayanora takes over* The funny thing is, Alexander has on occasion done things revealing of us being a multiple system. A friend we used to know in person as a co-worker and we were talking the other day online... we were discussing my being a multiple, and she said she thought she'd met Alexander before. Thanks to our influence, Alexander mostly keeps his comments and anger inside himself until he can find a way to vent it later. But before we knew we were a multiple system, one of our jobs was so frustrating to him (especially the boss) that on at least one occasion he was able to get past our influence and speak his mind.

I tell you, our friend found it very confusing at the time to see this nice, sweet, well-mannered person suddenly sound overflowing with escaping rage. If I hadn't told her we were a multiple system, she may have thought we were bipolar (I assume she might think that, I have no evidence on which to base that.)

*Molly returns* Uh... what she sed.

XOXOXO!
Molly!

sharing the load

[zamisista.livejournal.com]

Hello!
me and big j are running things now and before it was just Big J, but she didn't do a very good job. she used to think she had to be the boss all the time and not let anyone feel sad or feel anything at all. (she was trying her best, she just didn't know how to be a mummy) i used to be scared to come out because i thought there were lots of bad people out there and we're only little. but now we brought our spiritguide chi who is a big lion and a little grrl with us when we're scared, but only we can see him. so we're not to scared any more. big j wants to talk. byeee

Hi there,
We've been experimenting with Boo being in front for a bit. She's only 4 and she feels pretty intimidated by the outside world. But the reason I wanted her to come out is that my other little one has gone into my soulscape world after being out for quite a while and the little ones are better at being loving and playful. She gets scared easily, so when we started she only came out in bed. As soon as we cuddle Panda (panda is a outerworld teddybear but some of us see him as real inside too), she comes out and laughs and plays. Now she's started coming out outside our house, and if she gets too scared she can always slip back inside and I'll take over. When she's fronting (we tend to say "in charge"), I stay near the front too, ready to take over if she get's freaked out and wants to go inside. Or if she's going to make a bad decision like go to bed with someone because she thinks they are inviting her to be tucked up in bed, not sleep with them! Also she takes our Chi (spiritguide) from our soulscape world into the outerworld sometimes to make her feel safer. Plus I can send messages to her that she is loved and safe and that helps keep her calm.

I spent years in a monopoly not admitting the others existed. When we all came to know each other in therapy, I had to apologize to the other family members for not listening to them and for being abusive by trying to lock them away and not letting them get what they needed. Now we've forgiven each other and we operate a consensus not a dictatorship. At first, it was hard to give up control, because I have a good job and didn't want people to think I am crazy. But now I see that I don't need to be in charge all the time, I can let one of the others take over when I'm relaxing, or out with friends. But I try to stay near the surface in case I need to help out. It's such a relief not to have to be the in front all the time.

Hope this helps.

Big J