trying to get out of a monopolistic situation

[ex-nanonyan.livejournal.com]

*sigh* Might as well ask, since it's been a problem for ages, even though I don't like showing weakness..

I've been the primary fronter for a very long time - three and a half years now. They made me, I guess you could say, to stay in charge of things, which I am doing. From the moment I was born and awake I was in charge and couldn't escape it (which was hard). If someone switched out it was only for a short time. Everyone decided on this and worked together to make it happen that way because they weren't able to handle various things that were going on in our lives and made someone who had enough context-sensitive "good parts" to be able to handle what was going on. (Specifically, they needed a girl in front and there weren't any in the system.)

Anyway, the problems have passed and now we all want to have a normal system where everyone shares time pretty much equally. (That's what normal would be for us right now, anyway.) Thing is, it's hard! *Really* hard! It's hard for others to stay out and it's hard for me to let them stay out. We made this rule, me and the others in our council, that if I didn't let someone out in the space of two days they'd be let out for three hours and I couldn't stop them. That worked, as in someone came out and I couldn't help it, but I was going SO crazy from not having fronting control that the council held an emergency session and had me back in front in ten minutes or so. The poor girl who ended up coming out was also pretty stressed out by the situation and is still recovering.

I have no idea what to do. We have no idea what to do. I'm not used to being in the back, and they're not used to being in the front. I'm scared, they're scared, and nobody's equipped or strong enough to be able to stay out for any extensive period of time. I thought that if we kept doing it, it'd get easier, and it did, but the habits are so strong that it's almost impossible to keep with it. Eventually I forget, stop thinking about it, and then I don't grow or change at all.

Anyone ever had a problem with having had a monopoly and then having to figure out how to get rid of the old habits? Any suggestions? o.x

Comments

[duathir.livejournal.com]

I did not attempt to 'front' until 1998, and still find it difficult to do so for long. It is physically uncomfortable, emotionally frustrating, may subject us to the risk of discovery, and is of no practical value, since I lack the strength and coordination to accomplish anything useful. The only advantage is that it enables me to communicate directly, and that would not be sufficient reason for me to do it, were it not for the wishes of my Kin and friends.

It has grown easier with practice, and I do not rule out the possibility that with continued practice I might come to better terms with this body in time. However, I have no great enthusiasm for the project, and certain misgivings about the appropriateness of it.