hey ^_^;

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

i just joined... maybe... 20 minutes ago? :/

i'm glad i found this (by odd coinsidence, too) community today... i need some major help...

my... others, like my boyfriend was saying today, tend to go dormant unless i'm in trouble, then they speak up, a lot.

anyway... today the boyfriend was yelling at me, telling me he doesn't trust me. then he turned around, and said he just doesn't trust the 'others inside of me'... :/

i told him they've left him alone for the past month or so, and why is he freaking out now... so i don't know what to do...

this isn't something i want to lose... he and i were looking to marriage (even though he's had sex with one of the others ~_~;) in the not-to-distant-future...

he accepts they exist, but i guess he's scared they're going to do something against him. we know all his passwords for everything, which he's taken to changing... he has cheated on me before, so i'm worried about THAT too.

guh, it's just one big mess. as if i needed more things to deal with :/

there's not a lot of us. only 3 that ever really talk to him. so it's not like he's up against some big army or anything either. though one is scary enough that she even scares me (call her a she, but she doesn't really have any gender...)

any advice would be nice..

Comments

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Would he be less afraid of them if he got to know them better? But, as you say they usually don't come out ... and with a guy with that attitude around, it probably doesn't encourage them to come out other times.

We've known people like that before -- oh, sure, it's fine when he wants to have sex with one of the others, but anytime anything goes wrong, it's "their" fault...

And oh sure, it's okay for him to cheat on you, but what he probably doesn't trust is that one of you guys will go have a fling. Yes, this is right down the track. There are several people on this community who have, or have had, relationships like that.

He needs to start respecting you as well as your people, or you need someone who does.

[withfangs.livejournal.com]

Agreed. This guy doesn't sound like he respects you very much. Which, might make it okay for you to lose him.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

well, he has met the majority of them. some only stay in the confines of me, which i'm fine with. usually, anyway. there's one he's scared of, as well as me, and my best friend who was the first to meet her.

the sad thing is, i have such a low opinion of myself (i'd be a typical emo teenager, if i was in high school, probably :/) that i really can't see past this. past him. it's pretty bad...

as for the others having a fling, the one i mentioned (she changes her name all the time, just to confuse...) has teased him with the possibility, and i'm not sure if she wouldn't actually do it. so in a way, i don't blame him... now i just worry something happened that i don't realize.

and yeah, i agree i need someone who will respect me... i thought that's what i found. go figure, ah?

Relationships:

[firewheelvortex.livejournal.com]

Um... if he's having a relationship with just you, he dosn't get to demand fidelity with others. But otoh, you can't keep everyone stuffed just to please you OR him. That way lies madness, if by some chance you can make that work for a while.

For myself, I won't be in a relationship that doesn't bring something to the table for my collective as a whole. And them what can't handle all of us and all our little quirks can stuff it. By the same token, we make a point of not making a big deal of stuff that might bother someone - other than to admit/say that it's there.

Kinda like this: "I won't take my pants off, so long as you remember that the stuff inside them is part of me too. If that becomes an issue, I reserve the right to wave it cheerfully untill the point is made."

Re: Relationships:

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

hmm... taking into mind what you said. thank you.

[barbedvelvet.livejournal.com]

To be 100% honest I would say he's not someone worth marrying. If he can't trust you even with passwords... And if he's already cheated on you... It just doesn't sound like it's worth you sacrificing yourself for. He will probably be a habitual cheater, indicated by the fact he doesn't trust you at all. In my experience they don't trust you because they know that they themselves are not worth trusting and expect you will be the same. It's especially bad if he was actually yelling at you. That could indicate future abuse. You don't have to listen to me, and I know you love the guy, but it sounds like an emotionally (and potentially physically) dangerous relationship.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

well, as i said, he's only brought this to light to me today... the fact that he doesn't trust THEM is what really scares me... if it was me that he had a problem with, i'd try to change. i'm highly flexible.

as for the dangers of staying in this relationship... i've been in one that was harming in multiple ways, physical and emotional, as well as other ways i'm sure there aren't even terms for. thus far, this one is a lot less scary. aside from the fact i am scared of something ruining it... :/

a singleton perspective

[retinalscan.livejournal.com]

First about the cheating: if you know he has cheated on you with another physical person, whether you should stay with him or not depends on a few factors. Have you two openly discussed this occurrence and come to a mutual understanding? Do you still harbor resentment towards him about this occurrence? Has he fully accepted what he did as wrong and pledged not to do it again? After having an open discussion with your boyfriend, only you can make the ultimate decision of whether or not to stay in this relationship.

With regards to his relationship with you as a singleton with a multiple, this seems to be a complex and thorny issue, so it would be best to approach it with the utmost care and patience. Remember that a relationship between two lovers is also a relationship between two equals. You must both have equal respect for each other's perspective and both be striving towards a place of truth and honesty. Since he is your lover he should feel comfortable raising concerns that he has; this means that he should not be shunned or pushed away just because he raised a concern. It's understandable that he would be suspicious of the 'others inside of you', especially if all your own feelings of doubt, anger, or sadness are solely expressed by those others and not the "you" that he's used to. You should explain to him, to the best of your ability, how you function. How each of your inner people relate and express themselves to make up the totality that is you. If you are both able to talk to each other freely and openly like this, the next step is for both of you to work at being the best you can for the other. Neither one of you should be the only one making concessions for the other, it takes equal effort from both people to sustain a healthy and loving relationship.

Re: a singleton perspective

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

we did have a deep conversation, and he promised to break off ties with the girl in question. whenever she gets mentioned (by me, or someone else) he gets really defensive though, and it makes me sad, and he gets upset that i would be sad that he worries for her. ugh. :/ i don't know... all today i've been giving this some deep though, and am thinking maybe he does have a problem with ME, and not the others... he just didn't want to... make me upset more. i don't know. i'm ranting everywhere, ah, sorry. :/

he's known about how i am, and how we are, for well over a year now. he's even considered the fact he might be a multiple too... only he's really surpressed. it's kind of scary to me, that he doesn't want to be himself. themselves. whichever. i'm new to so much, in way of talking to same-thinking people.

for the equality, i understand that much. thank you. really. :)

[megwilson.livejournal.com]

I don't blame the guy. I wouldn't want to marry somebody with split personalities, either.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I beg your pardon? Do you know where you are?

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

uh, thanks for just popping into the wrong place? did you get lost on your way to summer school? :/?

.../meanness

[luwana.livejournal.com]

Thankfully not all of us have partner so unnaccepting of nonmainstream people :)

Would you lead them on?

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

If his viewpoint is actually the same as yours, that's what a continued relationship and engagement would amount to. So, are you pro leading people to believe you're willing to marry them, and work it out with them, when you already know that a basic part of their nature is completely incompatible with you?

Is that what you are supporting? Rock on. Wait, no.

--Me

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Wait, wait, wait. HE cheated on YOU, and even though no one in YOUR system has ever done anything to harm him, he's the one who declared he doesn't trust YOU?

To be fair, I think the media is at least partly to blame, with its exploitation of multiplicity as a freak-show condition and all the TV shows and movies about "killers with MPD" and ordinary-looking housewives who turn into raving psychos or sex maniacs at the drop of a hat. Many people have picked up the impression that multiples are dangerous, that there's always a 'scary' or 'evil' person lurking somewhere in there, that multiples can't have in-system communication or know anything about the others and hence can't be trusted.

However, considering the behaviour you've described, I wonder if it's stereotype-induced paranoia or him projecting his own qualities-- he knows that he himself isn't trustworthy, so he distrusts others in turn.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

well, one of them has teased him about things, but never actually done anything. she is mean, but more in the way of maybe... an older sibling taking care of a younger one. best way i can think of how to describe it. i think he worries that she'll take it too far... even though he knows that there's limits on what any of them could do. (IE, i wouldn't commit murder, so they couldn't... i wouldn't go drink until i pass out, so they can't... maybe it's some morale system built into everything? i'm not sure how it came about, but i'm glad for it)

i'd likely believe the fact he distrusts himself... mostly because he has wondered if maybe he's a multiple too, who just can't grasp it, so he surpresses it to his greatest ability. i feel sort of sorry for him, but jealous at the same time, sometimes... :/

[luwana.livejournal.com]

Give him time. He'll either get used to the fact that he's an untrustworthy sob who has trust issues likely because he knows that he is not deserving of trust, or he won't and you'll either live in hell or he'll leave.

Make sure and not give him any reason to distrust any of you. After that all you can do is wait for him to come around, or leave.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

it's times like this i'm glad that time flows differently around me than for anyone else, or i'd probably be less patient...

unless he does something extremely bad (yelling is one thing, DOING something against me/us is another) i'll just wait it out... thank you.. :)

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

That sounds a lot like my current situation, actually...

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

:/ *hug* then ultra sympathies from me.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about this for a few days.

We've been married 11+ years and one of the reasons that marriage has continued to be strong is that our husband has made everyone feel that they are welcome. Not all the same - not everyone has the same relationship with him.

But that where our home is, is their home.

That hasn't prevented people from needing and wanting their own relationships - which has been a problem, since physical monogamy (no body-sex) with other people is really important to our husband. Sometimes that's caused problems and it may ultimately result in our marriage ending - I don't know.

But what has made people willing to /try/ to respect our husband's needs and boundaries is precisely that he respects them/us as being here and having a right to be here and to express our own opinions and experiences. He's read bad breakup-poetry and listened to goopy expressions of love for other people; he's also gone to concerts with people who have different musical tastes and gone to story telling with kids and remembered that Lyria doesn't like ice cream and bought Lynn a guitar.

In other words, he understands that fidelity and loyalty and, for lack of a better word, "family" takes some giving on his part. And in exchange he gets that back and he doesn't have to worry about what happens if people "appear" because - he knows them. And although it is a real possibility that one day someone will just lose it and go and sleep with the person they really *really* want to, he also knows that for now, it's enough for them to say "I want to, but I won't." And he gets the chance to change their minds, 'cause we're mostly all in contact all the time, sort of.

And all that is kind of smarmy I know; I mean it's our experience and how does that relate to you? I guess for me I say it because we had /no idea/ that was even /possible/. But it is. And it wasn't that he just knew how to do it; we had to work it out together.

So I would suggest you tell your boyfriend that they're not going away, and that the best thing is for him and them to start working things out now so he doesn't have to worry. Because both are true: he's worried, but you're multiple. Any long-term relationship will have to deal with both.

And the cheating thing - yah. It sounds like he's projecting some guilt onto you and I hope if you two stay together you work on it, maybe with a counsellor.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

wow. thank you so much. i might just have to show this to dear old boyfriend, as my way with words escapes me lately, and they're all kind of annoyed with him for how he's been acting. :/

[szczur-system.livejournal.com]

If he's cheated on you and he's worried that one of your others will cheat on him... well, I say he deserves it.
-Uli

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

blah, there's no want for revenge in this, especailly not in that form. one of them does like malicious acts against anyone who hurts me, though. even if it's just writing nasty e-mails to people from his address. :/

Ouch.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

I might get into this more later, but for now I want to bring something up, stripping aside the multiplicity issue, for a brief moment.

There is something suspicious about his behavior. It's pretty classic that when someone is cheating on their partner, they get paranoid about the partner doing the same. He's already done it, and it looks almost like he's looking to find any reason to return the distrust that his actions could legitimately cause in you. Multiplicity seems to be the handy default in this case. I've seen other things used to that same end. A common one is having friends of the opposite sex, presuming a heterosexual relationship.

If this is the case, he hasn't, in my opinion learned enough from his mistake, and might be trying to retroactively justify his own behavior, via two wrongs make it right. Nothing wrong with how you are, just like there isn't anything wrong with having friends of the gender you are attracted to, but he can try to make you feel that way.

Examine your reasons for sticking with him. At the very least, you may want to set some clear boundaries in the relationship, because this sounds like emotional manipulation.

--Me

Re: Ouch.

[ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com]

oh, i'm very aware he thinks all the wrong things of me, partly due to a past job i had, that included me at very close levels with other girls. hes terrified of me going back to that, but that's something i promised MYSELF that i wouldn't go back to, as he knows. it damaged me more than anyone could ever need. even if the money was fantastic.

he repeats over and over that he's trying hard to get over my past, to continue onto the future. of course, to me, my past doesn't really phase me anymore (repressive memory, sometimes a good thing) so i don't understand why he's so sketchy about it. but i have a feeling that it does still get to him, for whatever reason. even if it's just a small thing, like watching something on tv, and it clicks in his head that i did something like that, years ago, and snowball effect from there.

probably the worst part is him just trying to put it all on me, when things are bad. when things are good (99% of the time) then i'm happy as can be, up on a cloud in my own little world *snerk* and not wanting anything else...

i hope i haven't confused you too much. or anyone else who may see this. :/

[(Anonymous)]

Holy crap... I'm not the only one going thru this at this time! I swear, I read your post and checked your name to make sure you were NOT one of my crew members, I swear your post was something they would have wrote, lol. I know this doesn't help at all, but at least you are not alone period. It IS crazy and a mess!!

[tearsnfears.livejournal.com]

P.S. I'm the "anonymous" that posted the comment. Damn lj for not letting me open page in a separate window to comment and instead I have to manually come back into here. Sorry.