hey ^_^;

Jul. 3rd, 2005 12:23 pm
[identity profile] ex-mushroom784.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] multiplicity_archives
i just joined... maybe... 20 minutes ago? :/

i'm glad i found this (by odd coinsidence, too) community today... i need some major help...

my... others, like my boyfriend was saying today, tend to go dormant unless i'm in trouble, then they speak up, a lot.

anyway... today the boyfriend was yelling at me, telling me he doesn't trust me. then he turned around, and said he just doesn't trust the 'others inside of me'... :/

i told him they've left him alone for the past month or so, and why is he freaking out now... so i don't know what to do...

this isn't something i want to lose... he and i were looking to marriage (even though he's had sex with one of the others ~_~;) in the not-to-distant-future...

he accepts they exist, but i guess he's scared they're going to do something against him. we know all his passwords for everything, which he's taken to changing... he has cheated on me before, so i'm worried about THAT too.

guh, it's just one big mess. as if i needed more things to deal with :/

there's not a lot of us. only 3 that ever really talk to him. so it's not like he's up against some big army or anything either. though one is scary enough that she even scares me (call her a she, but she doesn't really have any gender...)

any advice would be nice..

Date: 2005-07-03 04:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ksol1460.livejournal.com
Would he be less afraid of them if he got to know them better? But, as you say they usually don't come out ... and with a guy with that attitude around, it probably doesn't encourage them to come out other times.

We've known people like that before -- oh, sure, it's fine when he wants to have sex with one of the others, but anytime anything goes wrong, it's "their" fault...

And oh sure, it's okay for him to cheat on you, but what he probably doesn't trust is that one of you guys will go have a fling. Yes, this is right down the track. There are several people on this community who have, or have had, relationships like that.

He needs to start respecting you as well as your people, or you need someone who does.

Date: 2005-07-03 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] withfangs.livejournal.com
Agreed. This guy doesn't sound like he respects you very much. Which, might make it okay for you to lose him.

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Relationships:

Date: 2005-07-03 05:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] firewheelvortex.livejournal.com
Um... if he's having a relationship with just you, he dosn't get to demand fidelity with others. But otoh, you can't keep everyone stuffed just to please you OR him. That way lies madness, if by some chance you can make that work for a while.

For myself, I won't be in a relationship that doesn't bring something to the table for my collective as a whole. And them what can't handle all of us and all our little quirks can stuff it. By the same token, we make a point of not making a big deal of stuff that might bother someone - other than to admit/say that it's there.

Kinda like this: "I won't take my pants off, so long as you remember that the stuff inside them is part of me too. If that becomes an issue, I reserve the right to wave it cheerfully untill the point is made."

Date: 2005-07-03 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] barbedvelvet.livejournal.com
To be 100% honest I would say he's not someone worth marrying. If he can't trust you even with passwords... And if he's already cheated on you... It just doesn't sound like it's worth you sacrificing yourself for. He will probably be a habitual cheater, indicated by the fact he doesn't trust you at all. In my experience they don't trust you because they know that they themselves are not worth trusting and expect you will be the same. It's especially bad if he was actually yelling at you. That could indicate future abuse. You don't have to listen to me, and I know you love the guy, but it sounds like an emotionally (and potentially physically) dangerous relationship.

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a singleton perspective

Date: 2005-07-03 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] retinalscan.livejournal.com
First about the cheating: if you know he has cheated on you with another physical person, whether you should stay with him or not depends on a few factors. Have you two openly discussed this occurrence and come to a mutual understanding? Do you still harbor resentment towards him about this occurrence? Has he fully accepted what he did as wrong and pledged not to do it again? After having an open discussion with your boyfriend, only you can make the ultimate decision of whether or not to stay in this relationship.

With regards to his relationship with you as a singleton with a multiple, this seems to be a complex and thorny issue, so it would be best to approach it with the utmost care and patience. Remember that a relationship between two lovers is also a relationship between two equals. You must both have equal respect for each other's perspective and both be striving towards a place of truth and honesty. Since he is your lover he should feel comfortable raising concerns that he has; this means that he should not be shunned or pushed away just because he raised a concern. It's understandable that he would be suspicious of the 'others inside of you', especially if all your own feelings of doubt, anger, or sadness are solely expressed by those others and not the "you" that he's used to. You should explain to him, to the best of your ability, how you function. How each of your inner people relate and express themselves to make up the totality that is you. If you are both able to talk to each other freely and openly like this, the next step is for both of you to work at being the best you can for the other. Neither one of you should be the only one making concessions for the other, it takes equal effort from both people to sustain a healthy and loving relationship.

Date: 2005-07-03 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] megwilson.livejournal.com
I don't blame the guy. I wouldn't want to marry somebody with split personalities, either.

Date: 2005-07-03 09:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ksol1460.livejournal.com
I beg your pardon? Do you know where you are?

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Date: 2005-07-03 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luwana.livejournal.com
Thankfully not all of us have partner so unnaccepting of nonmainstream people :)

Would you lead them on?

Date: 2005-07-04 07:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookshow-girl.livejournal.com
If his viewpoint is actually the same as yours, that's what a continued relationship and engagement would amount to. So, are you pro leading people to believe you're willing to marry them, and work it out with them, when you already know that a basic part of their nature is completely incompatible with you?

Is that what you are supporting? Rock on. Wait, no.

--Me

Date: 2005-07-03 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sethrenn.livejournal.com
Wait, wait, wait. HE cheated on YOU, and even though no one in YOUR system has ever done anything to harm him, he's the one who declared he doesn't trust YOU?

To be fair, I think the media is at least partly to blame, with its exploitation of multiplicity as a freak-show condition and all the TV shows and movies about "killers with MPD" and ordinary-looking housewives who turn into raving psychos or sex maniacs at the drop of a hat. Many people have picked up the impression that multiples are dangerous, that there's always a 'scary' or 'evil' person lurking somewhere in there, that multiples can't have in-system communication or know anything about the others and hence can't be trusted.

However, considering the behaviour you've described, I wonder if it's stereotype-induced paranoia or him projecting his own qualities-- he knows that he himself isn't trustworthy, so he distrusts others in turn.

Date: 2005-07-03 10:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] luwana.livejournal.com
Give him time. He'll either get used to the fact that he's an untrustworthy sob who has trust issues likely because he knows that he is not deserving of trust, or he won't and you'll either live in hell or he'll leave.

Make sure and not give him any reason to distrust any of you. After that all you can do is wait for him to come around, or leave.

Date: 2005-07-04 12:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saturniakitty.livejournal.com
That sounds a lot like my current situation, actually...

Date: 2005-07-04 05:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shandra.livejournal.com
I've been thinking about this for a few days.

We've been married 11+ years and one of the reasons that marriage has continued to be strong is that our husband has made everyone feel that they are welcome. Not all the same - not everyone has the same relationship with him.

But that where our home is, is their home.

That hasn't prevented people from needing and wanting their own relationships - which has been a problem, since physical monogamy (no body-sex) with other people is really important to our husband. Sometimes that's caused problems and it may ultimately result in our marriage ending - I don't know.

But what has made people willing to /try/ to respect our husband's needs and boundaries is precisely that he respects them/us as being here and having a right to be here and to express our own opinions and experiences. He's read bad breakup-poetry and listened to goopy expressions of love for other people; he's also gone to concerts with people who have different musical tastes and gone to story telling with kids and remembered that Lyria doesn't like ice cream and bought Lynn a guitar.

In other words, he understands that fidelity and loyalty and, for lack of a better word, "family" takes some giving on his part. And in exchange he gets that back and he doesn't have to worry about what happens if people "appear" because - he knows them. And although it is a real possibility that one day someone will just lose it and go and sleep with the person they really *really* want to, he also knows that for now, it's enough for them to say "I want to, but I won't." And he gets the chance to change their minds, 'cause we're mostly all in contact all the time, sort of.

And all that is kind of smarmy I know; I mean it's our experience and how does that relate to you? I guess for me I say it because we had /no idea/ that was even /possible/. But it is. And it wasn't that he just knew how to do it; we had to work it out together.

So I would suggest you tell your boyfriend that they're not going away, and that the best thing is for him and them to start working things out now so he doesn't have to worry. Because both are true: he's worried, but you're multiple. Any long-term relationship will have to deal with both.

And the cheating thing - yah. It sounds like he's projecting some guilt onto you and I hope if you two stay together you work on it, maybe with a counsellor.

Date: 2005-07-04 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] szczur-system.livejournal.com
If he's cheated on you and he's worried that one of your others will cheat on him... well, I say he deserves it.
-Uli

Which brings up a question

From: [identity profile] spookshow-girl.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-04 08:31 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: Which brings up a question

From: [identity profile] spookshow-girl.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-05 08:31 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] szczur-system.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-07 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand

Ouch.

Date: 2005-07-04 08:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spookshow-girl.livejournal.com
I might get into this more later, but for now I want to bring something up, stripping aside the multiplicity issue, for a brief moment.

There is something suspicious about his behavior. It's pretty classic that when someone is cheating on their partner, they get paranoid about the partner doing the same. He's already done it, and it looks almost like he's looking to find any reason to return the distrust that his actions could legitimately cause in you. Multiplicity seems to be the handy default in this case. I've seen other things used to that same end. A common one is having friends of the opposite sex, presuming a heterosexual relationship.

If this is the case, he hasn't, in my opinion learned enough from his mistake, and might be trying to retroactively justify his own behavior, via two wrongs make it right. Nothing wrong with how you are, just like there isn't anything wrong with having friends of the gender you are attracted to, but he can try to make you feel that way.

Examine your reasons for sticking with him. At the very least, you may want to set some clear boundaries in the relationship, because this sounds like emotional manipulation.

--Me

Re: Ouch.

From: [identity profile] ksol1460.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-05 10:06 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2005-07-05 01:41 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Holy crap... I'm not the only one going thru this at this time! I swear, I read your post and checked your name to make sure you were NOT one of my crew members, I swear your post was something they would have wrote, lol. I know this doesn't help at all, but at least you are not alone period. It IS crazy and a mess!!

Date: 2005-07-05 01:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tearsnfears.livejournal.com
P.S. I'm the "anonymous" that posted the comment. Damn lj for not letting me open page in a separate window to comment and instead I have to manually come back into here. Sorry.

(no subject)

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