Gina Delta here

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

I just came to a few realizations about this new person that was formerly known to us as Logic. A few weeks ago, I got several missing memories of my past back... Logic got much more. It got a sense of self that it seemed to lack before. I think that maybe it integrated with something from my past.

I'm worried that maybe Not-Logic (it's not quite the same person that Logic was, but it hasn't decided upon a name for itself yet) might want to become the front... Or worse, might try to absorb me or Tarnish or both of us.

I know that one of our most primal fears is losing control of ourself... An ironic fear considering that we're multiple, but... I don't know how to gauge this new person's reactions. Logic was much a servant, but I can't tell if this new person has its own agenda.

I'm scared.

Comments

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

I know that one of our most primal fears is losing control of ourself... An ironic fear considering that we're multiple, but... I don't know how to gauge this new person's reactions. Logic was much a servant, but I can't tell if this new person has its own agenda.

If you treat a new person like a threat, they'll notice you're afraid of them and respond differently than if you don't treat them as threatening-- someone who's thought of as evil may come to think that they really are intrinsically evil, or have no choice but to be evil.

Losing control of yourself is an understandable fear; it isn't strange for a multiple system to have that fear, especially if they generally communicate and cooperate well. What you're afraid of is that someone will try to affect the system against the wishes of everyone else in it, it sounds like. Try talking with her, or writing, communicating in some way-- see if you can get close to her mind, find out what she is, what she might want to be. If she has her own agenda, that might not be a bad thing. We've had quite a few people with their own agendas which came into conflict with others' at times but turned out to do more good than harm. And people created for specific purposes often can and do grow into something else, even if they filled a 'role' for a long time.

A question: you speak of someone wanting to become the front? Is there only one front in your system? Is this an unchangeable rule, or, if it turned out someone else wanted to front, could the system be modified?

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

That's the other thing that worries me, Tarnish and I aren't even sure how this new being identifies.

One additional thing to know is that I (in the global sense) am transexual. Thanks to the previous revisions of Gina, we have transitioned the body almost completely. Logic identified as neither male nor female, viewing itself as a machine or program within the mind to assist when available, front when the others are incapacitated, and so forth. This... Not-Logic has alot of memories of when we had to at least have the boy presentation. And although not-Logic still identitifies as neither (we've gotten that much information) and has said that it remembers how miserable we, in the global sense, were when presenting boy-type, both Tarnish and I still sense alot of masculine energy from it. I know this may sound misandric (sp?) but it drives an additional wedge between us. That and I can't read not-Logic's emotions (Logic never had any emotions, but not-Logic does) like I could to Tarnish or Triton.

Tarnish is worried too, but I understand her worry over the advent of any new person after what happened with Gamma (let's just say that Gamma and Tarnish didn't get along. At all).

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

To agree with the above comment, try communicating with it in some fashion--the exact method is unimportant, as long as data is exchanged. Possibly (based on some other things read), if you are unable to communicate with it directly, simply talking 'at' it could help establish a metaphorical line of communication.

Also, from an earlier entry of yours... it might be interesting to see what would happen if it tried to absorb Tarnish. Then again, possibly the experiment wouldn't be worth the risks associated with it.

Tarnish here.

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

I would fight any such absorption tooth and nail, and Delta knows it.

The results were disastrous when Beta and I tried to integrate, and I don't want to do it again, unless it's to create Epsilon, which I feel may happen someday, but not yet. We aren't ready yet, and I don't enjoy the indirect pressure I feel I'm getting from this new Logic to do so.

Re: Tarnish here.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

*nods slightly* Out of curiosity... from your point of view, what happened when you tried to integrate with Beta?

And also, a general question: how does the system of Alpha through Epsilon work?

Re: Tarnish here.

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

The different letters are as per the Greek alphabet. Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon, and so forth. Epsilon does not exist yet, but since the currently lettered Gina is Delta, you can do the math.

Considering that we just bought a new HD for our computer, we'll use alot of computer analogies, as they seem to work really well when describing the intra-system events.

I'm not sure exactly when Gina Alpha came into existence, but our earliest memory of her being notable enough to have a name was in 1997. At that point, the global self of this body (meaning the body and its general concensus, as this was before I came to the body) was presenting androgynously. Alpha became the primary front in 1998, when she and whoever else was present (save for Logic, who was always "running in the background") integrated. In late 1999, Alpha finally considered herself full-time and, with an event that provided alot of spirit energy, "upgraded" to Gina Beta (tangenting to the present, this not-Logic is obviously a similar upgrade that Logic did to itself), a new person with all the knowledge of the previous, along with "new tricks" as it were. It was Beta who found me wandering in a dream realm and allowed me to hitch a ride in the body... It's a long story. Beta and I tried to integrate next year. It... didn't work out well. I don't remember the details of it -- in fact, until recently, the knowledge of the attempt had been blocked out of my own mind -- but Beta was far worse for wear from it than I was. She crashed in mid-to-late 2000. Gamma's was like a clean installation on a re-formatted drive, with only whatever memories could have been "backed up" or salvaged. Gamma and I.. well, we weren't compatible. I was usually quarantined to a corner of the mind where alot of bad emotional Clouds were... it definitely wasn't good for me as a person. However, Gamma was the front with the longest uptime. Gamma and I fought... a lot, and I was ultimately one of the final straws that caused her to crash. Delta took Gamma's place in March of 2004, and we immediately worked things out to act like co-pilots rather than adversaries. Also, Delta seems to have been recovering memories and pieces of her past faster than any of the others before her. A few weeks ago, she made a Wish to know more about our pasts, and you know what they say about making wishes...

Delta got alot of memories of her teenage years. I remembered the failed integration attempt, more about my disagreements with Gamma, and apparantly instaneously learned how to use chopsticks (quit laughing, it's been something that had been bugging me for the past few months that Delta and Logic could do but I couldn't!).. Delta was glad to remember events, faces, and I think our collective IQ must have gone up ten points, but the biggest change was happening to Logic. Logic started expressing feelings. its first expressions were a snarky sense of humour. We knew something was really different though, when a Cloud (concentrated emotion, not sense of self to form a person out of, but thick enough to temporarily paint us with whatever its emotion is) affected it. But the kicker, the proof that this was not the same Logic we once knew, came from a single-letter word.

I.

Logic never used the first person unless it was referring to the system and body combined as a whole. The memories we had recovered though the wish also revealed why it never did. Logic became a notable force in the mind (and for a short time, was not only the front, but the only active person) in an environment where we were not allows to use the first- and second- person.

Logic has upgraded to... whatever it is now... in the same way that Alpha upgraded to Beta. An expenditure of energy, a reclamation of knowledge, memories, and wisdom, and the metamorphosis of one person into a new one.

Wow, I type a lot when I have a story to tell. I hope it wasn't too disjointed.

Re: Tarnish here.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

*shakes his head* Not disjointed at all, by my standards.

Where/From whence/From whom does/did your name originate? How do you define yourself, what was the dream realm like, and what--if anything--can you remember from before you were found? (Though only the question about your name is of direct relevance--the rest is just normal curiosity about the referenced 'long story'. Excessive curiosity appears to be something endemic to existence within this brain.)

Thank you for the information.

Re: Tarnish here.

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

Gamma gave me that name, meaning it as an insult (when you don't polish or pay attention to silver, it TARNISHes and loses its luster). To give the reader's digest version, I am what this body would have been if she had made some decisions sooner, and other decisions differently. Our timelines seemed to have split off around age 13 to 16. I transitioned much sooner, came out on my own terms, and was more soundly denounced and disowned by my family, when compared to what the Ginas of this timeline did. I also had a mean streak though, and my parents did not close me off to the money fast enough. I got enough financial resources to fast-track my transition and also have enough money to not worry about the monthly rent. The one real friend that stood by me through it all eventually became more than a friend, and we did our best to live that Happily Ever After.

Unfortunately, I also ended up dying shortly after my 21st birthday (1998), cutting that hope very short. My spirit wandered for a while, I don't know how long, as time seemed to twist in this desert void that I was in. Eventually Beta found me in 1999 of her timeline (though we weren't civil enough to actually talk with each other until early 2000) and had the idea that if I were to hitch a ride in the body, that when it died, we would both get a chance to reincarnate. She liked the fact that I wasn't a doormat like Alpha was. She felt that she could use my strength of conviction and I could use the grace and kindness that I saw in her. Integrating was supposed to be a win/win situation. But it wasn't. I remember the attempt, a flash of light, and the spiritual equivalant of being torn like cheap fabric. Beta took the worse of it, and eventually crashed, leaving the body in a short state of almost total emptiness, with Logic "at the wheel" until Gamma came along. Gamma though I was responsible for Beta breaking down, and viewed me as a "dark side" of sorts, and locked me in the back of her mind with all the other bad influences. She also gave me the name of Tarnish. My name, like all the other lettered ones, is Gina, but when you hear a name enough, you start answering to it. The bad connotations aren't there anymore, but it makes it easier for both of us to have separate names when dealing outside the system. So Gina Delta is simply referred to by her revision letter, and I am referred to as Tarnish.

Re: Tarnish here.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

Interesting. *nods* Thank you.

Do you have any idea why integration failed? (...possibly it was attempted in the wrong way...?)

[azraile.livejournal.com]

*nuzzles* ah... i see.....

I guess i can understand such.... but frankly i rather wish i coudl be intigrated into kitsu or she would frunt....

But i do understand... saw this scary show about a multi that though she was the orginal personality... and it turns out she was just one of the ones created to protect the orginal... and the orginal was this kid that killed her famely ... and acutaly rather liked it and took over in the end O.O

that scares me O.O.... *Shiver* what if kitsu ish desiving me and is a nasty person..... or what if some of the things pointing torge ther ebeing another part of me.... a dark part.... what it takes over *lowers hir ears*



I wish i could help...

best i can say is you should talk to logic..... find what changes has hapend... and what goals logic has now.... and find a new name.... sence it's not logic anymore......

basickly meet with logic like an equal you don't fear... and work things out... go from there...... then you can deside if it's something to fear or not..... logic may still wish to serve you afterall!

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

Logic had a simple mission statement: to take care of the body, keep it alive and well, and make the mind suitable for when the "original" pieces could be recovered and integrated enough to regain control of things.

I only worry that maybe whatever got into it outranks me.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

(...'outranks'. There's... an important word. What does it mean to you, to outrank something/someone or be outranked? What determines 'rank'?

Perhaps consider the possibility that said 'ranking' could be nothing more than a product of your imagination... you think that you outrank someone, and they think that they're outranked by you, so you both act as if said person is indeed outranked by you; same in reverse. However... would 'outranking' still apply if one of those involved ignored the entire system? Or would it depend on which one was ignoring the system? In any case... something to think about. When thought defines personal reality...)

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

It's wahtever kind of trump card can be played... the way that I can have the authority to say NO YOU WILL NOT do such-and-such. The "rank" thing has only mattered before with Tarnish, because she knows that unlike Gamma, I won't hesitate to just exorcise her completely (she's a spirit, a GUEST in the body, and if she were to do something bad enough I would remove her. Triton would be more tempted to permanently eliminate her, however.)

Logic has occasionally pulled rank on us before. Its committment to keeping the body safe and sound has prevented us from doing alot of things that, while we may want to, keeps us "responsible."

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

...do such trump cards have a 'real' (argh... definitions hard to handle in such circumstances) existence? Or are they--or to switch terms, is rank--simply a mutal acceptance of one's authority over the other [in some matters]?

[...cue inevitable curiosity about Triton]

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We've been working to put a stop to shows like that for years (sigh, but it'll never end, because it $SELLS$) just because of what you say here. People who are multiple, or suspect they might be, see that junk and scare themselves to death.

Your personal experience is more valuable and means more than any two-bit sensationalistic piece of tabloid tripe. I know you know that from the advice you gave to Grsbound. I'm just ranting because shows like that make me barf and also I haven't had enough sleep.

[azraile.livejournal.com]

*nods* very scary show o.o

that was one evil kid.... end was just wrong too.... "this is my story, and I will be telling it to my self forever" or something like that... and shows her blocked up by letter bocks in a hallway of her mind.... x.x