Gina Delta here

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

I just came to a few realizations about this new person that was formerly known to us as Logic. A few weeks ago, I got several missing memories of my past back... Logic got much more. It got a sense of self that it seemed to lack before. I think that maybe it integrated with something from my past.

I'm worried that maybe Not-Logic (it's not quite the same person that Logic was, but it hasn't decided upon a name for itself yet) might want to become the front... Or worse, might try to absorb me or Tarnish or both of us.

I know that one of our most primal fears is losing control of ourself... An ironic fear considering that we're multiple, but... I don't know how to gauge this new person's reactions. Logic was much a servant, but I can't tell if this new person has its own agenda.

I'm scared.

Comments

Re: Tarnish here.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

*shakes his head* Not disjointed at all, by my standards.

Where/From whence/From whom does/did your name originate? How do you define yourself, what was the dream realm like, and what--if anything--can you remember from before you were found? (Though only the question about your name is of direct relevance--the rest is just normal curiosity about the referenced 'long story'. Excessive curiosity appears to be something endemic to existence within this brain.)

Thank you for the information.

Re: Tarnish here.

[chainsaw-hime.livejournal.com]

Gamma gave me that name, meaning it as an insult (when you don't polish or pay attention to silver, it TARNISHes and loses its luster). To give the reader's digest version, I am what this body would have been if she had made some decisions sooner, and other decisions differently. Our timelines seemed to have split off around age 13 to 16. I transitioned much sooner, came out on my own terms, and was more soundly denounced and disowned by my family, when compared to what the Ginas of this timeline did. I also had a mean streak though, and my parents did not close me off to the money fast enough. I got enough financial resources to fast-track my transition and also have enough money to not worry about the monthly rent. The one real friend that stood by me through it all eventually became more than a friend, and we did our best to live that Happily Ever After.

Unfortunately, I also ended up dying shortly after my 21st birthday (1998), cutting that hope very short. My spirit wandered for a while, I don't know how long, as time seemed to twist in this desert void that I was in. Eventually Beta found me in 1999 of her timeline (though we weren't civil enough to actually talk with each other until early 2000) and had the idea that if I were to hitch a ride in the body, that when it died, we would both get a chance to reincarnate. She liked the fact that I wasn't a doormat like Alpha was. She felt that she could use my strength of conviction and I could use the grace and kindness that I saw in her. Integrating was supposed to be a win/win situation. But it wasn't. I remember the attempt, a flash of light, and the spiritual equivalant of being torn like cheap fabric. Beta took the worse of it, and eventually crashed, leaving the body in a short state of almost total emptiness, with Logic "at the wheel" until Gamma came along. Gamma though I was responsible for Beta breaking down, and viewed me as a "dark side" of sorts, and locked me in the back of her mind with all the other bad influences. She also gave me the name of Tarnish. My name, like all the other lettered ones, is Gina, but when you hear a name enough, you start answering to it. The bad connotations aren't there anymore, but it makes it easier for both of us to have separate names when dealing outside the system. So Gina Delta is simply referred to by her revision letter, and I am referred to as Tarnish.

Re: Tarnish here.

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

Interesting. *nods* Thank you.

Do you have any idea why integration failed? (...possibly it was attempted in the wrong way...?)