rambling...no ranting, just confused rambling

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

in a response to a post, cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...

Comments

[liferain.livejournal.com]

I think being "functional" is based on opinion. Why is it that multiples who can't communicate directly with the others in their system are nonfunctional? I experience blackouts and can't really communicate with Vi, but we function just fine together by using things like diaries and my boyfriend and anything else to talk to each other. While I would like to be able to speak directly to her, we're still "functioning" happily.

But I know how frustrating it can be, so I know how you feel. I'm hoping you find a way to cope with it soon.

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that sort of thing is good. Just in case I was misunderstood, communication can come in any form, but I think it's crucial.

I think co-conciousness can probably be developed, if you find the right mechanisms, but I would think that would take a lot of effort. I'm not sure though. :?

[cirape.livejournal.com]

but we function just fine together by using things like diaries and my boyfriend and anything else to talk to each other.

Ah, sorry, perhaps I was being too vague? I would consider that system--if it works for your, uh, system--to be a way of communicating with each other. Thus making you not necessarily nonfunctional.
I was trying to sum things up in veryvery few words in the comment mentioned, so I'm aware that I left quite a bit of things out. Sorry if it ruffled any feathers.

And to the OP, ...glad I was able to help? ^^;

p.s.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

almost forgot -
you say a lot of things that get to me, and i wanted to acknowledge that...

thank you...

Re: p.s.

[cirape.livejournal.com]

I do? I try to be intelligent in what I say here.
Glad I could help.

Re: p.s.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

your efforts are greatly appreciated...

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i'm looking for a way to cope and get some type of handle on things...difficult, at best, but you know - the attempt is there, at least for now...