rambling...no ranting, just confused rambling

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

in a response to a post, cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...

Comments

[vacillate.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. Not the exact circumstances, but...yes. Yes, I understand, and I've wanted to rant like this here before but felt...odd. I dunno.

I miss time. I don't necessarily communicate with my others. When we want to communicate, apparently we go through the fiance, who passes on messages occasionally. Journals created, posts written, people talked to, emails sent, blah blah blah, even pictures taken that I don't remember and it's scary. I was afraid to really speak up here, because so many here are very functional systems, and here I am going WTF? How do I get there?

Anyway, rambly comment to say I understand.

(Random funny about the journal that was created that I didn't know about. It used my usual password, my email, all that. So I knew it was "me", but not. So I totally stole layout ideas from myself. LOL)

[gharveyn.livejournal.com]

Hi,

I read your handle and don't know wether you are Mr Shannibal or Mrs Hannibal.

That shivery feeling... when you 'go away'.... We usually experience a feeling similar to that with integretion of information... when suddenly something makes a great deal of sense and speaks to us on many levels or addresses many parts.

Anyway, we just wanted to share a possibly variant interpretation of that experience with you...

As for the suicidal 16 yr old... yah... We have someone like that too... they love to wreck cars... But they have a mission, a purpose, and most likely they will continue to have a valuable role in our system... So your 16 yr old may have important information to share with you or valuable skills or intuition and the suicide stuff is their way of trying to get attention for it.

We don't want to screw with your head too much... so we will keep the metaphysical and paranormal stuff at bay here, but if that stuff interests you you are welcome to peruse our blog.

Basically we have been aware of something wrong since we were about six or seven or eight... evidence coming in that we were known by people we didn't know for things we had never done... Finally hit on the multiple personality issue clearly around age 22.

My lesson for today is STOP RESISTING. Maybe you need this lesson too....

Resistance is futile, sayeth the Borg.

And they are right. The more 'I' resist the worse things get in my life. Particularly the depression. So today I am trying to live a little differently, we will see how that goes. I will post about it in another post later.

The point is that if your alters are in conflict they will wear you down. You will be at their mercy and have no idea why. You will feel blocked and impotent and out of control. At least, this is what happens with us... But from what you wrote it sounds true for you too, and is probably an operative truth for most multiples...

An operative truth doesn't have to actually be true, it is an operable truth if it enables you to make changes and helps you to act more effectively.

Anyway, it sounds like you are considering allowing yourself to open up to your alters and explore them and learn from them...

Congratulations, that's a big step.

[liferain.livejournal.com]

I think being "functional" is based on opinion. Why is it that multiples who can't communicate directly with the others in their system are nonfunctional? I experience blackouts and can't really communicate with Vi, but we function just fine together by using things like diaries and my boyfriend and anything else to talk to each other. While I would like to be able to speak directly to her, we're still "functioning" happily.

But I know how frustrating it can be, so I know how you feel. I'm hoping you find a way to cope with it soon.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I'm not able to get away from the front for several months, but I think not knowing what's going on or feeling like you're forgetting things would be worse. :( I hope there's a way for you to figure out what's going on. Hug.

-Butterfly

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Nobody has a perfect memory. Single people forget too. We know a lot of older people-- and some younger people-- who have to keep constant notes to remind themselves of everything because their memory isn't very good.

Some systems who do lose time communicate by leaving notes for each other. Some systems who don't lose time communicate by leaving notes for each other. In both cases, it's still a form of communication, and therefore responsible. If you have no communication system at all, not even notes/letters or one person who remembers things others don't, then that is a problem. A communication system does not have to include sharing of all memories. But there should be something.

-Lilac

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

We offer comfort. We don't lose tim at all. But we do have a crappy memory. So if you need us we're on Yahoo! or if you have a question or just need some one to talk to you can leave us a comment in our journal or friend us or whatever. We don't mind making friends .
L.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We know several groups which are 'functional' (man I hate that word) in the sense that they are getting stuff done, activities of daily living and all that, and they have no co-consciousness at all. They use notes and lists and calendars and whiteboards instead. They know the other people are there, but they have no idea, say, when Mary comes up front what Sam has just been doing unless he leaves a note.

So lack of communication/ co-consciousness/ memory / time loss does not = nonfunctionality the way we see it. Although it can be a problem if the group doesn't have sufficient coping strategies (yich, I'm starting to dislike that expression too) in place.

We have known several groups where a frontrunner didn't want to or was afraid to acknowledge the others, some of them would do somewhat drastic things in order to bring frontrunner's attention to the fact that they existed and were people. But in other groups, they seemed afraid that the frontrunner would discover them, and were removing as much evidence of their presence as possible. In one group one girl who was desperate to consider herself the sole resident of the body would burn her diaries as fast as she wrote them, part of the reason being that "there is handwriting here that is not mine, and that is not allowed." Could something like that be part of it?

You may find these helpful, from the memory archive of this community: (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity)
switching (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity&keyword=switching&filter=all)
discovery (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity&keyword=discovery&filter=all)
co-conscious (http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=multiplicity&keyword=co-conscious&filter=all)