death...

[myorp.livejournal.com]

i killed someone today. someone in system who had been abusing me.
i'm very glad that he's dead but i was just talking with one of my singlet friends who understands us the best and she didn't seem to take things terribly seriously. she didn't seem to realize how real it was for me to have killed him.

i'm very glad that he's dead but somehow... just because it was justified doesn't make it easy for me to deal with that i took someone's life and snuffed it out. he was evil yes... but he was alive and now he's not. i'm having a very hard time dealing with that.

i guess i'm not sure where i'm going with this but i thought maybe some of you had maybe dealt with something like that before. any words of encouragement would be apreciated. i really made him pay for what he's done to me but i almost feel worse because i killed him in such a gorey manner and so slowly.

anyway. i think i'll be ok. just feel really wierd right now.

Comments

[thenetwork.livejournal.com]

Mourn him. Abuser or not is not relevant to what you need right now. (But GOOD FOR YOU.) Mourn the life that was, and go through whatever ritual of purification is relevant to your beliefs. Rest. Pray, if you do such.

Enjoy your freedom from abuse. You earned it.

Be brave.

[myorp.livejournal.com]

thank you. i'm trying to do just that. i've been praying alot and bathing extensively. i don't think i'll ever not feel sad that it happened like it did but in the end i /am/ very glad that he's gone.

he hurt me and did other things that have permanently damaged me but at least now i can heal some. i couldn't have ever done that as long as he was here.

[asrai-d.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to get rid of our system abusers for a long time now. We integrated them for a while. And locked them up for a bit. We no longer have contact with them.

I'm glad you managed to find a solution. Even if it is hard to deal with the fact of what had to be done.

The body is tired so I'm not really that coherent.

Holly of Asrai

[myorp.livejournal.com]

he's been on the periphery of conciousness for us for longer than we've known we were multiple. he'd been locked up before and only recently did we find a way to really hold him effectively.

no one knew how to get rid of him though so i just sorta did even though i'm not sure exactly what made me able to do it. it is hard to deal with but i'm very glad he's gone.

thanks for commenting too... even though you were tired.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

This response is a little hard assed.

I'm glad you're having a hard time with it. I am not judging your decision; only you know if that was really the only choice. But it would be ten times worse if you could kill people without caring about it.

Going through the grief and guilt of that experience seems to me to be a very important thing.

I hope that in the future your system and you find another way to handle things other than killing.

Shandra

[myorp.livejournal.com]

thanks. and it doesn't seem hard-assed to me at all. its really what i was feeling and my singlet friends were having a hard time seeing it for as real a situation as it was.

i am trying to grieve, for the innocence that i've lost because of this and to deal with the guilt that i do think i /should/ have no matter how justified it may or may not have been.

i hope there won't be another person we'll have to deal with like that but if there is i really hope that it won't come down to a vengful killing like i've done this time.

[pengke.livejournal.com]

How could you ask for words of encouragement?! You just murdered someone!

You didn't kill him defending yourself. It wasn't justified...not when you said yourself in your journal that everyone else was meeting to work out a way to deal with him and keep the system safe.

You murdered the unnamed member of your system. You took his life and you didn't have to. You'll never face the law here for what you've done but that doesn't mean his life was any less real. You're going to have to live with his blood on your hands for the rest of your life.

I hope it was worth it and that you're strong enough to deal with what you've done.

- A

[myorp.livejournal.com]

i guess i just wanted to talk to some people who would treat it seriously.

you're probably right. what i did wasn't really defending myself because when he was free he was too strong for me to fight. i just couldn't deal with his existance anymore and the others had been meeting for a day and a half and were begining to think that they knew no way of getting rid of him.

its very possible that i was the only one who actually /could/ get rid of him.. and while i know that doesn't justify what i've done i think its probably still a good thing.

i'll have his blood on my head forever, i know and i can't take it back.

i truely hope though that i /am/ strong enough to take responsibility for this and deal with it.

thanks for the comment.

[alchimienoire.livejournal.com]

you can't wash away blood, but you can do what it sounds like you're doing, which is own it.

i bet you're strong enough.

[moablaharet.livejournal.com]

We were forced to deal with something we can't even to this day call a system member. We tried to negotiate, but it wouldn't budge. We tried imprisonment beneath the earth, but his power seeped into all things from there, poisoning our soil, air, and souls. And his followers (most of them brainwashed or so warped that they had lost their sanity) were still abound. So, we killed it. Because it had escaped it's prison and had launched a full attack on our people. We had no other choice. He was trying to kill every single one of us. That's the only reason why we have been able to deal with it. We had exhausted all other options available to us. If there were other possibilities open to you as some others have suggested, than may your people and your Gods have mercy on you.

But in our world, dead doesn't always mean dead. Some people were so powerful at the time of death that they never really pass away completely, and others die without justice and walk forever (we have a whole city of ghosts thanks to an act of genocide long ago, and the one who orchestrated it is, of course, now dead), slowly gaining power and influence over the world.

-Morgan

[myorp.livejournal.com]

yes... some of what you talk about was a problem. several times he nearly managed to gain control of the body in order to murder people on the outside. malmenel and morgil and gilia had been trying to work out a way to banish or execute him effectively(not just temporarily) for a couple of days and were begining to think that it wasn't possible because he would simply reform.

i don't know why i thought i could end things any better but i did somehow. it shocked them somewhat because i've never done anything like that before but i couldn't stand the thought that he might ever get another chance to do the things he's done to me again... especially to other people.

i feel bad that i did it but in the end i think perhaps its for the best. i hope so at least because if not then this guilt that i feel is unnecessary.

[cheshire-house.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the path goes nowhere but forward. Not left, not right...just forward or drop. I'm glad to see you're still here.
What must be done must be done. In the end, what's said is said, and either you lose yourself in the fog or you keep yourself together. There are sacrifices to be made, but that's the price of existance. You made a hard decision. Saluté.

Option for next time, should there ever be one: Don't stretch out the act. If something must be eliminated, surgical and with the fewest motions is (in my humble opinion) the most preferable option. However...again, sometimes the best option simply isn't an option.


...And ignore anyone who tries to condemn you for your action outside of you. They weren't there when a decision had to be made.

~Cheshire House.

[myorp.livejournal.com]

thanks. honestly i think the main thing i regret at this point is that i didn't make it short and quick.

and anyone who wants to condemn me can try as much as they want. in the end the only condemnation i will worry about is that of my own concience. i can't worry about anything but that. i will accept the judgement of the others in here though as to whether i deserve to be punished or not though... because i'm not sure myself and besides, they know the situation and aren't as emotionally involved in it as i am.

[thenetwork.livejournal.com]

Short and quick is best. But -- it was the best you could do, because it's what happened. It's a good way of understanding that everybody is like that, given a chance. Everybody. The fact that so few of us are like that as a lifestyle means the best you can do is sometimes pretty good. We have friended you, btw.

Re: ok I must ask...

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

you did what you had to. that is all anyone needs to know or understand IMO.

El