Really Need Advice...

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

Ok, we've been having a huge problem lately, and it's mostly because of me.

We're a musician at the renaissance festival here, and so saturday and sunday every weekend we spend 12 hours on-site, playing music for 3 of those hours. It's pretty physcally exhausting, what with the heat+humidity, the instrument we play (the hammered dulcimer), and how we dance behind it while we play. It also requires an intense amount of concentration overall (at least one of us has to be really focused.) Since this is so important (this is how we make money!!) and since I'm a bit of a control freak, I usually can't seem to help trying to front all the time while we're playing! Jeremey (the old primary) was the one who first started playing the dulcimer years and years ago, and so he feels an automatic need to be the one playing, which I don't think he can really control, either.

Since there's SO much concentration needed, and since it's so important, I'm almost always conflicting with someone when I try to stay front and focus on playing. I can't seem to let go enough to let anyone else take over, and though I'm pretty sure they could do just as good a job, it absolutely terrifies me when I'm not in control in a situation that important! So, in the end, I wind up trying to front almost the entire day, and I get horribly exhausted and usually deteriorate into an emotional wreck by the end of each day. The part that scares me even more is that my playing starts to deteriorate as I fall apart, too. I have to fall back on all sorts of horrible coping skills to try and stay sane-- which doesn't always work, either-- and towards the end of the weekend all I can think about is "Okay... Just need to make it through today... Then I can fall apart and get shipped of to a ward if I need to."

It. Sucks.

Now, I know the obvious solution to this problem is simply to step back and let someone else take care of things, but like I said I don't seem to be able to. Whenever I'm "back" I'm still usually just under the surface, which really disturbs me since then I sometimes have a hard time sorting out me from everyone else. I still have a hard time dealing with being multiple at all some of the time, so when I'm sort-of co-front because three of us are trying to play the dulcimer at the same time, it really wrecks my mental state.

*sigh*

So what would really help me is if I could just find a way to go back more fully and let go enough to stay that way. My therapist totally agrees with me on that, but she doesn't really have any advice that will realistically help me to do that. So, I guess I'm kind-of stuck here. We had to miss this weekend, too, since I just didn't think I could handle it. I just lost about $300 in tips that we really needed for all sorts of things. That's really something we can't afford to have happen.

Any advice?
~Jem

Comments

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

Do you mean you get exhausted because you're the one always out, or because you're fighting with others in trying to stay out front? Because, gruelling as that is, it should be something that a person can handle without having an emotional breakdown at the end of the day. I am assuming you meant that this happens because you're fighting for control, but...

Speaking of that... can't two of you cofront or something? Or he can take over for a certain amount of time and then you can come back?

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

Well, basically, the problem arises because of a conflict in fronting. Jeremey can't really help that he's there for playing the dulcimer... in a lot of ways, I think it's his skill that everyone else (including myself) taps into to play it in the first place. Now, he can't be fully front, even though he's amazing at playing it, because he'd wreck the whole female persona that we've got to present and he can't move with the music at all. And when we inevitably end up messily co-fronting, I have big problems with both sorting out my identity from everyone else's (which is what I always do to stay sane, anyway) and trying to control playing the dulcimer way too much because attempting to control everything we're doing is my automatic reaction to important/stressful situations.

It's a self-defeating cycle. It's that conflict which wears me out. It's like a kind of mental exhaustion, which then creates an emotional exhaustion for me because I get so stressed and confused. Once we're out of the situation (i.e. cannon goes off, fest ends for the day, and we're back in our street clothes) I'm pretty much fine again.

If I could just stay away from front, I totally would.

I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense... but yeah, it's a messy situation for us.

[melange-fiesta.livejournal.com]

It makes sense to me. If someone else was trying to control my body when, for example, I was performing (I'm a singer), I'd be fighting for control pretty vehemently myself.

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

We're able, under most circumstances, to co-front like that... But it's really hard for me to let that happen when we're in a performance situation. I try to keep everything "under control" (mine) by attempting to stay front all the time, because I don't feel like I have any control of the situation when we're co and I don't know who's controlling what or how everything's working.

And yes, for whatever reason, it seems that learning to accept being multiple is gonna take me a long time. *sigh* Stupid me. ><

Thanks for the well-wishing, and good luck to Lisa, too.

[fraisefems.livejournal.com]

I have no idea really. I do know that sj(the core for lack of better word) has said a similar thing recently about not being able to back up like the rest of us. She is usually just under the surface when she is inside. It hasnt always been that way but for the last year of so after we learned to co-front thats the way its been and we dont really know how to change it. I wish I had some advice to give you :/

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

Jeez... I wonder why that is? :\

[szczur-system.livejournal.com]

Honestly, when we first began our work at Ren/Pagan festivals, that's how much of it was for us (not suggesting that you're a beginner whatsoever :P). Who would do what, who wanted to do what, who was capable of doing what - it all got completely diluted and confused because of the amount of, "That's my job!" that seemed to be going on.

It got better gradually, yes, though it did take a lot of work and major organization (and some order-shouting on my part :P). For us, the work is not as constant as yours is (playing an instrument), and there are many parts involved in it - I for one think that that helped us out quite a lot: "Matt, do this. Kay, make it pretty. Uli, you talk, you're loud and obnoxious enough - get us some sales!" See, it's easy to dissect and disperse our job amongst the willing particpants. :P

Now, I doubt any of this is helping you, so... You said that you don't think Jeremy can control his innate urge to front at the times when you are working, but, as you seem not to know for sure, I would start by asking him. Sometimes simple solutions are the best (and most unheard of ;)). Now, if that doesn't work:

Try and organize before the fact, discuss with everyone who will be fronting and when. Suggest that you and Jeremy try your work time at front without any inside interruptions. The two of you (from what you've said) seem to be the most talented at your instrument - if you've both got the skills, and you've got the girlish dance-moves necessary, why not give it a go? :P

For that matter, what you said to melange_fiesta about Jeremy wrecking your whole female persona. I understand, but if nothing seems to be working, there's always the option of letting him have his own go at it, a trial day, a trial hour, a trial half-hour, even. If people still clap, and people still tip you... what's the problem? (Unless this is a specified SCA 'persona' you're speaking of...)

If all else fails, you can hand in your female garb for something a bit more manly and just let Jeremy do it all. :P

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

We've been performing at fest for four years, so it's not exactly like we're hardened veterans or anything... But this is the first year that we've actually tried to work together co-operatively while we do it (since this is the first year we really know about each-other)

The idea of giving Jeremey a "trial-run" has passed my mind, and while I know I'm blowing the thought a little out of proportion, the idea of even (potentially) wrecking one set scares me. I suppose I really need to learn to relax about being multiple... It often seems impossible for me to just "go with it" and accept things as they come, like some of the others do. January's always telling me to loosen up and stop obsessing about who's who and what's going on and just flow with it. :\ Maybe I should try to follow her advice.

If all else fails, you can hand in your female garb for something a bit more manly and just let Jeremy do it all. :P

We played out there as a guy for two years before I showed up, and my presentation and acceptance as female was hard-earned last year, so No Thank You. :p :)

[pengke.livejournal.com]

The trial run doesn't have to be at the fair. He could play the whole set for you at your house to prove he can do it.

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Hey there - I'm a Ren Faire musician too, and I totally sympathize with the 'performance mentality', the need for it all to be perfect when one's up on stage, and the anxiety that comes when (for whatever reason) it's not perfect. That anxiety can all-too-easily spiral down into "Oh Gods, I suck; what am I even doing up on this stage?", and then there's the corollary, "Oh Gods, I sucked; how the hell am I going to get through four more sets today - twelve more sets this weekend - two more weekends....!" Yeah. It can be terrible.

My 'brother' Crist-Erui is the strongest of us corporeally - he can take 'front' whenever he wants, and tends to do it unexpectedly. He's also the best musician, but he has a tendency to go 'off the map' - he'll go from playing a specific song to doing his own variations and improvisations, which are wondrously beautiful, but then when he suddenly switches out again, I'm, like, "Okay, exactly where ARE we?".

He's very shy, and doesn't like crowds and noise, so he rarely does this when we're on stage during the day, but at night-time Bardic Circles he'll start 'flickering in' - LOL, my kid says she can always tell when he does it because he gets "that deer-in-the-headlights look" when he notices the audience, then flickers out again, leaving me faltering for a moment till I find my stride.

The thing I've learned to do is just relax and let him do his thing when he wants to do it, and not worry about what people might think, or whether they'll notice the difference, or how long he's going to be 'up'. If we've got a sudden, unprecedented instrumental improv in the middle of a song.... why then, we've got one; generally it turns out well, and I just sort of mentally shrug and wait till it's my turn again.

Not that this has been an easy attitude to cultivate, because my own style is to do the music exactly the way I've practiced it, and 'surprises' are always kind of unnerving. Even after all these years, it's weird and alarming to suddenly find that I don't have control of my hands on the instrument because they've turned into his hands, and I'm just along for the ride, as it were. There's nothing I can do about it though, so acceptance is my only viable option.

With the "Oh Gods, I suck" thing, I've found that breathing exercises and positive self-talk help the most. There's a technique I was taught by a practicioner of Chinese medicine, which is meant to balance the chi, and it reduces anxiety better than anything else I've found:

Breathe in through the nose 'as of smelling a flower' for a slow count of six. Pause.
Breathe out through the nose for a slow count of six. Pause. Repeat.

It sounds ridiculously simple, and it really is, but it works, and the more one practices it, the better it works. Five minutes of doing it will cut right through pre-performance jitters or after-performance melt-down. As for positive self-talk, it's basically a matter of opposing "Oh Gods, I suck" with "Hey, I'm okay; I may not be Heather Alexander, but I'm good enough, and I'm doing what I love - these people have come here to love my music; their good energy is all on my side, cheering me on, and I know I'm going to please them."

It can't be about the money. I know, the money's important in a practical, mundane sense, but worrying about it kills the joy, and it's the joy that makes the music sparkle. There too, positive self-talk will help - reminding yourself that you're there for love and art, and putting the whole question of how much money you're making aside till Faire's over. I'd suggest not even counting it, just shove it in a pouch and forget about it till you get home.

Too long; continued next post...

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Continued...

I'm a great believer in "practice makes perfect", and it might help if you and Jeremey practice together - switch in and out, co-front, do 'duets', play around with the music - so when you get out in front of the audience, it won't seem so strange. You may find that the two of you together achieve a whole new style, a synthesis of your different techniques that's better than either of you individually. I haven't yet managed to sing while Crist-Erui plays, but when we practice together we can sometimes switch back and forth almost seamlessly, and maybe eventually he'll be able to do the instrumentals while I do the vocals, which would be awesome.

"And when we inevitably end up messily co-fronting, I have big problems with both sorting out my identity from everyone else's (which is what I always do to stay sane, anyway)"

Consider this: maybe it's not necessary for you to sort out your identity from everyone else's - maybe it'll just naturally sort itself out if you just relax and let it do so. I can always tell myself and Kír apart, but I can't always tell myself and Crist-Erui apart, and Kír says sometimes he feels that the boundary between himself and Crist-Erui isn't clear. It's actually very comforting and... exalting, one might say... when we're that close, and it's particularly special when it happens through music we share. Maybe you and your Kin would find it so as well.

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

WOW.
I am, like, so in love with you right now. Thank you so much. Those are some really awesome suggestions, there, and the way you talk about them gives me hope for something truly beautiful emerging from this chaos. :)

*distance-hugs*
~Jem

[terp-lj.livejournal.com]

It reminds me of something that I go through often as well: sometimes it feels like I'm the only one here with a strong enough survival instinct to say "Hey, we shouldn't do this!" or "We need to do that!" As such, I always find myself having to hover just below the surface to make sure nothing dangerous is being done. As such, I've gotten the reputation as being the spoilsport, as well as the whiner/complainer, because it seems like I'm only fully out when the body is having some kind of problem that needs to be addressed (illness, injury, bills to pay, etc).

[bekkle.livejournal.com]

I'm a singlet, but I see part of your problem as a problem anyone can have, and I think I can relate, too, and hopefully give some good advice.

I also see myself having that 'control' problem-- feeling like if you give up control, who knows what the hell could happen? Since I'm a singlet I only see this behavior in myself when I'm put into groups. My high school teachers actually seem quite fond of "group activities", though. :D

I'm (objectively- ha ha) an 'overachiever', as it were. I usually get better grades than my classmates, for example, so when I'm put in a group I feel, in a way, 'responsible' for not only everyone else's grade, but especially my own. I fear failure if I let these people, whom I have no concrete reason to trust, take control over my grade-- even if it is for just one assignment. I used to hate myself for constantly completing group activities individually-- but I couldn't stop myself, I felt that no matter who else was in the group, if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done in an acceptable manner.

Well, one day I realized this and I kicked myself in the ass for it. I forced myself to give up some control in those situations-- which was really hard. I did (and do) end up picking up slack sometimes, but I found that when I did give up responsibility, the work DID get done, and it got done more successfully than I ever would have expected it to. Of course, all this happened to the horror of my classmates, who had gotten used to 'group activity' time meaning 'ass-sitting' time. :D

anyway-- and I only saw a few real direct words of advice in response to your entry, so I'm just trying to reinforce what they said and what worked for me-- try giving up control. Yes, at first you will be plagued with doubt, but it most always turns out acceptable, if not surprisingly well.. but I think it's important for you to put yourself through it, as a first step. It is, after all, the root of the problem, isn't it? If you don't try it, what else will you be able to do, but remain exhausted and 'at odds' with the other members of your group?

good luck with your problem. :)

[changelyng14.livejournal.com]

'cofronting' is one of the most annoying parts of multiness for us. its been canned as the key to functionality by some multis but we just get confused.

it seems your options are to either a) get more rigid, ie learn how to solo stronger in your performances, or b) get more comfortable flowing during a performance. I have no opinion on which is better.

have you heard the saying 'if you study stoned, then take your tests stoned'?
it sounds like you're more used to performing solo. I'd imagine that if the co'ing is frustrating, stressful, confusing, etc. that it might affect your playing more then anything else.

I don't know what to recommend, because I don't know the details of your system's mechanics. but some time spent practicing with all of your mixers for the sake of getting comfortable with it might be good. maybe take the attitude you would if you had new band members. (since thats kind of what is). "you've" changed, so the rules have changed. Try something different and tally it as creative experimentation.

you just 'became aware' of each other? the loss of control terrifies you?
It sounds to me like you don't trust your people to do the job right, (or as well as you do it.) trust takes time to build and a touch of risk. unless you intend to continue taking it on solo, you will have to let someone else do it from time to time. if it turns out they do it well, you will gain confidence in them, and letting go of control will be easier.

when we found each other, we took a major slowdown to get used to it: disability for a year, followed by a year of holding a job, (and in a month were taking a calculus class, our first tough gig, so wish us luck)

anyways, good luck whatever you do.

-Candy