Really Need Advice...

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

Ok, we've been having a huge problem lately, and it's mostly because of me.

We're a musician at the renaissance festival here, and so saturday and sunday every weekend we spend 12 hours on-site, playing music for 3 of those hours. It's pretty physcally exhausting, what with the heat+humidity, the instrument we play (the hammered dulcimer), and how we dance behind it while we play. It also requires an intense amount of concentration overall (at least one of us has to be really focused.) Since this is so important (this is how we make money!!) and since I'm a bit of a control freak, I usually can't seem to help trying to front all the time while we're playing! Jeremey (the old primary) was the one who first started playing the dulcimer years and years ago, and so he feels an automatic need to be the one playing, which I don't think he can really control, either.

Since there's SO much concentration needed, and since it's so important, I'm almost always conflicting with someone when I try to stay front and focus on playing. I can't seem to let go enough to let anyone else take over, and though I'm pretty sure they could do just as good a job, it absolutely terrifies me when I'm not in control in a situation that important! So, in the end, I wind up trying to front almost the entire day, and I get horribly exhausted and usually deteriorate into an emotional wreck by the end of each day. The part that scares me even more is that my playing starts to deteriorate as I fall apart, too. I have to fall back on all sorts of horrible coping skills to try and stay sane-- which doesn't always work, either-- and towards the end of the weekend all I can think about is "Okay... Just need to make it through today... Then I can fall apart and get shipped of to a ward if I need to."

It. Sucks.

Now, I know the obvious solution to this problem is simply to step back and let someone else take care of things, but like I said I don't seem to be able to. Whenever I'm "back" I'm still usually just under the surface, which really disturbs me since then I sometimes have a hard time sorting out me from everyone else. I still have a hard time dealing with being multiple at all some of the time, so when I'm sort-of co-front because three of us are trying to play the dulcimer at the same time, it really wrecks my mental state.

*sigh*

So what would really help me is if I could just find a way to go back more fully and let go enough to stay that way. My therapist totally agrees with me on that, but she doesn't really have any advice that will realistically help me to do that. So, I guess I'm kind-of stuck here. We had to miss this weekend, too, since I just didn't think I could handle it. I just lost about $300 in tips that we really needed for all sorts of things. That's really something we can't afford to have happen.

Any advice?
~Jem

Comments

[szczur-system.livejournal.com]

Honestly, when we first began our work at Ren/Pagan festivals, that's how much of it was for us (not suggesting that you're a beginner whatsoever :P). Who would do what, who wanted to do what, who was capable of doing what - it all got completely diluted and confused because of the amount of, "That's my job!" that seemed to be going on.

It got better gradually, yes, though it did take a lot of work and major organization (and some order-shouting on my part :P). For us, the work is not as constant as yours is (playing an instrument), and there are many parts involved in it - I for one think that that helped us out quite a lot: "Matt, do this. Kay, make it pretty. Uli, you talk, you're loud and obnoxious enough - get us some sales!" See, it's easy to dissect and disperse our job amongst the willing particpants. :P

Now, I doubt any of this is helping you, so... You said that you don't think Jeremy can control his innate urge to front at the times when you are working, but, as you seem not to know for sure, I would start by asking him. Sometimes simple solutions are the best (and most unheard of ;)). Now, if that doesn't work:

Try and organize before the fact, discuss with everyone who will be fronting and when. Suggest that you and Jeremy try your work time at front without any inside interruptions. The two of you (from what you've said) seem to be the most talented at your instrument - if you've both got the skills, and you've got the girlish dance-moves necessary, why not give it a go? :P

For that matter, what you said to melange_fiesta about Jeremy wrecking your whole female persona. I understand, but if nothing seems to be working, there's always the option of letting him have his own go at it, a trial day, a trial hour, a trial half-hour, even. If people still clap, and people still tip you... what's the problem? (Unless this is a specified SCA 'persona' you're speaking of...)

If all else fails, you can hand in your female garb for something a bit more manly and just let Jeremy do it all. :P

[our-haven.livejournal.com]

We've been performing at fest for four years, so it's not exactly like we're hardened veterans or anything... But this is the first year that we've actually tried to work together co-operatively while we do it (since this is the first year we really know about each-other)

The idea of giving Jeremey a "trial-run" has passed my mind, and while I know I'm blowing the thought a little out of proportion, the idea of even (potentially) wrecking one set scares me. I suppose I really need to learn to relax about being multiple... It often seems impossible for me to just "go with it" and accept things as they come, like some of the others do. January's always telling me to loosen up and stop obsessing about who's who and what's going on and just flow with it. :\ Maybe I should try to follow her advice.

If all else fails, you can hand in your female garb for something a bit more manly and just let Jeremy do it all. :P

We played out there as a guy for two years before I showed up, and my presentation and acceptance as female was hard-earned last year, so No Thank You. :p :)

[pengke.livejournal.com]

The trial run doesn't have to be at the fair. He could play the whole set for you at your house to prove he can do it.