Finally: A place where I belong =)

[coma-white-01.livejournal.com]

Hey there,

Before I introduce myself, let me just start off by saying I literally had NO hope left for anything before I found this community last night. Reading through everybody's posts and such...god, I almost cried at how relieved I felt. I've read so many "MPD/DID" text books and been to a therapist and blah blah blah...and with the text books I became even more confused, because I didn't seem to fit the "text book" model of being a multiple. I was never abused, me and "my guys" are all conscious of each other, etc. So I thought, "Well, what the hell? Am I lying to myself? Why aren't I like those other multiples?" and my therapist sure didn't help any. SO...yes. This community is probably the greatest thing I've ever stumbled upon. It may have just saved my life. Now, I beleive I owe you all an introduction =)

I guess I'll start with myself:
My name is Laura and I'm 17 (18 in July!!) I have absolutely no idea which personality traits I possess. I guess I know "my guys" better than I know myself. I guess I'd be considered the "Host"...but I don't think that fits my position very well.

My guys:

-Lance: Alright...Lance is a little different. He's actually Lance Bass. From Nsync. Lance came to me when I was in 5th grade (Since I was 10). He's always with me "up front". Always. It's always half him, half me. We stand side by side. And he kind of just lives his own life. He lives in Los Angeles, California, and has his own friends, seperate from my own. He doesn't know about the rest of of my guys, and I don't think he knows about me. He looks like the actualy Lance Bass, and he's interested in most of the things he is. He just turned 28 on May 4th, and what do you know! So did the actual Lance Bass. And oh yeah, he's gay =) He was the first one here...or well, the first one to make himself known, and he's always been my partner in crime, even if he doesn't know it =)

-Noah James: Noah...hmmm, he's a handful, that's for sure. He's 19 and shares my birthday. Although once he turns 20 (In July), I'm thinking he's probably just going to stay 20. He's usually very...angry. He lashes out at my friends on the internet a lot, because he's scared of people getting close to us. He's convinced that no one cares about us, and that everyone lies to us about everything. He's been here for about 2 1/2 years, I suppose. He doesn't talk (Just types on the computer). He rarely makes any facial expressions. He likes to make people uncomfortable when he stares at them. He'll get right up in people's faces and just...stare. He's also gay. He dyes his hair funny colors (My hair has been every color of the rainbow thanks to him). He has a penpal from Russia (We're all learning Russian together), and him and her have been talking for about a year and a half now. Suprisingly, he absolutely ADORES her. I left him in charge of talking to her. He was the second one here, and he's up front pretty regularly with me and Lance.

-London: London is very sweet. Very sweet. He just likes to see everyone happy and getting along. He talks in a very sweet voice and he's very gentle. He's very lean and pale. And...he has no sexual orientation that I know of. Isn't interested in boys and isn't interested in girls. But yeah, he's kind of the "father" figure. Tries to smooth things over when they go wrong.

Joel: Ah, the newest member =) I don't know too much about him right now. Real friendly, I know that. But he's only made himself know...well, maybe a little more than a week ago. I know he has dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, and he's very pale. He enjoys painting, which he proved last night. I think he's going to be fun to have around and I can't wait to see his personality progress over time =)

Sooo...that's them. I could write pages and pages of information (except for Joel), about all of them, but I figured this is long enough as it is =D

Me and my guys look forward to talking with you all and getting to know more about you! As my title says...Finally: A place where I belong.

No longer alone,
-Us

Introduction

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

I thought I would introduce myself, before looking at surveys, etc. I have been a multiple since age 4. Today, things haven't changed much. The lack of support has remained the same, along with disbelief that there's even anything going on with me. I was born severely premature, which resulted in Cerebral Palsy, and then, the multiplicity came about. No one around me wants to believe that the choices made by CP specialists and doctors were mistaken for abuse.

No one around me wants to hear blame placed on the professionals, because they are always "right" and I as the patient have this "you are always wrong" label put down on me. Other people in the external world that are not professionals have also been abusive, and again, disbelief is the name of the game. No one really hurt me, despite the acts committed, and I just made all of the abuse up.

Denial, tea, and crumpets anyone? People have been abusing me on and off for years. I've since read books, seen movies, kept journals, and tried to talk to counselors, LPC and Ph.D. levels, and no one believes me there either. How can we get help if no one will believe us? Just FYI...the professionals and people in my personal life are still alive and in practice. I don't feel safe and I feel like the world just wants to lock me away.

I'm supposed to be "normal" and what people don't get is, this is what I consider "normal" right now. My "posse" and I are really trying to stay quiet, but it's hard. We know better, and if others in the external world won't help, we have no way of knowing how bad things will get.

They want to say everyone who hurt us is insensitive, not guilty, and we weren't abused. We were just violated. It's no big deal. And the biggest things they have said lately...you're psychotic and there are no friends protecting you.

And all of a sudden, on June 11th, things changed. I met a doctor who does treatment with multiples, who believes me...too bad I'll never see him again. He is my advocate. He can work with my other doctors to show them just how real DID and multiplicity are. There might be hope after all here.

I am working with a team of doctors, and looking for a new counselor. It's been hard, but I know in the end, something will pay off. We can't keep living this way, with the world turning its back, and we try to go on.

I don't know if anyone has had experiences like these, but if you have, thank goodness I am not alone anymore. Denial and such from others can tear you down. I'm just trying to get built back up.

My posse is really strong. They know better. They know all the details as to how and why they got here. And they are saying to forget about everyone who doesn't believe. We were abused. We were hurt, and now, we are a big family.

The CP/DID combo is really interesting. I wouldn't want anything to change. I love me, my posse, and those externally who care beyond the good, bad, and ugly stuff. I still have hope.

Cheers,

Susanacts and my Posse

Questions about mapping a system

[thunder-weather.livejournal.com]

Hello all.

In the memories, I saw an article on system mapping--(this one, I believe)--and I thought that I would ask about experiences with mapping one's system.

The larger group has tried several of the methods listed there and they've been interesting to complete. However, they didn't give much insight on how the system was laid out or how it worked. We can make lists or tables or design a book of everyone, and it hardly helps. The family tree wasn't as helpful, because not all of us have split, but we got some information from it.

Recently, however, we discovered Inkscape Vector Illustrator--(I imagine that many vector illustration programs would work similarly)--and decided to use that for a map. Now these circles represent the main group with its levels of closeness (green), as well as the connection with the other world (blue/purple).

And finally, that brings me to my questions. Have you mapped your system? If yes, why? Have you been successful, and how do you define success? And also, how did you map it?

--Andras

Choices

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Lately, my posse and I have been coming up with ways to make choices in our daily life that will benefit us. I am not one to think that total integration is healthy. Instead, I believe in cooperative states. I was previously a college major in Psychology, prior to switching over to French. Both taught me a lot, since I took tons of classes. Although I don't trust many people or communicate very well, writing has always been my way of letting people know about me.

Today we again choose to be happy, even when times are hard. DID first got diagnosed in 2003 by a different psychiatrist, and then, we moved north, so I had to leave him. It was heartbreaking. But today, the newest doctor on our team has been open, honest, etc. and we love that. I tend to change from I to we a lot. It's because my posse thinks they need a chance to talk too. They are a group of 17 who have literally saved my life in some cases.

The breakdown is this:

11 women
4 men
2 little girls

They all have names, etc. The host was the first to come around. The others followed her. And because verbal altercations and abuse keep coming, they stand their ground. It's an endless cycle, but one we can hold our own in. Now that my baby brother is deceased, there's no one left for people to be angry with but me. Words hit you hard. And they stay longer than a physical hit, sexual abuse, or anything else. Been all the way there...and there's no end.

The posse is going to stand up again and again. Screw the rest of the external world. They cause the posse to fight.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. Hopefully, the psychiatrist we now see can find a therapist who cares. It would certainly help.

Cheers! I hope everyone has a good weekend! The posse and I will post again soon.

Why can't therapists understand?

[aquilawolf.livejournal.com]

I had a phone conversation today with a potential therapist. I was wanting someone to support me and help me accept myself as multiple and to help me to not dominate the front (I am the most capable one when it comes to interacting with other people) and I wanted to learn to step back more and let others come out, to let the children up to play more. 

What was I thinking?

( LOL (plus feeling very uneasy).... )