Introduction

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

I thought I would introduce myself, before looking at surveys, etc. I have been a multiple since age 4. Today, things haven't changed much. The lack of support has remained the same, along with disbelief that there's even anything going on with me. I was born severely premature, which resulted in Cerebral Palsy, and then, the multiplicity came about. No one around me wants to believe that the choices made by CP specialists and doctors were mistaken for abuse.

No one around me wants to hear blame placed on the professionals, because they are always "right" and I as the patient have this "you are always wrong" label put down on me. Other people in the external world that are not professionals have also been abusive, and again, disbelief is the name of the game. No one really hurt me, despite the acts committed, and I just made all of the abuse up.

Denial, tea, and crumpets anyone? People have been abusing me on and off for years. I've since read books, seen movies, kept journals, and tried to talk to counselors, LPC and Ph.D. levels, and no one believes me there either. How can we get help if no one will believe us? Just FYI...the professionals and people in my personal life are still alive and in practice. I don't feel safe and I feel like the world just wants to lock me away.

I'm supposed to be "normal" and what people don't get is, this is what I consider "normal" right now. My "posse" and I are really trying to stay quiet, but it's hard. We know better, and if others in the external world won't help, we have no way of knowing how bad things will get.

They want to say everyone who hurt us is insensitive, not guilty, and we weren't abused. We were just violated. It's no big deal. And the biggest things they have said lately...you're psychotic and there are no friends protecting you.

And all of a sudden, on June 11th, things changed. I met a doctor who does treatment with multiples, who believes me...too bad I'll never see him again. He is my advocate. He can work with my other doctors to show them just how real DID and multiplicity are. There might be hope after all here.

I am working with a team of doctors, and looking for a new counselor. It's been hard, but I know in the end, something will pay off. We can't keep living this way, with the world turning its back, and we try to go on.

I don't know if anyone has had experiences like these, but if you have, thank goodness I am not alone anymore. Denial and such from others can tear you down. I'm just trying to get built back up.

My posse is really strong. They know better. They know all the details as to how and why they got here. And they are saying to forget about everyone who doesn't believe. We were abused. We were hurt, and now, we are a big family.

The CP/DID combo is really interesting. I wouldn't want anything to change. I love me, my posse, and those externally who care beyond the good, bad, and ugly stuff. I still have hope.

Cheers,

Susanacts and my Posse

Comments

[tatteredscars.livejournal.com]

welcome! i'm sure you'll find someone (or someones) here that can understand just where you're comeing from. i don't know much about cp, but i have also been abused in the past. only one of my girls is a result of the trauma. the others are non-trauma.

i know how terrible it can be for someone to not believe you, or for someone to downplay the effect the abuse has on you. it's an awful feeling.

you'll find belief here.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

There's a sense of relief here now...relief in knowing my "Posse" and I are safe in this community. Thank you for your support. It means a lot. :-)

[tatteredscars.livejournal.com]

and i see in your profile that you like tori amos. oh, i could go on for hours about her. ;)
she's not as divine to me as she used to be, but there will always be something about her that just draws me in. mmm.

Tori Amos

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Little did I know it would be a matter of time before Tori's Song Silent All These Years would actually be the anthem about my next abuser...I love her music, and my best friend got me her Fade To Red Video Collection for Christmas last year. There's something about Tori that just makes life more bearable. I don't feel so alone anymore.

[coma-white-01.livejournal.com]

Welcome! I'm new here myself =)

I don't know much about CP myself...but I can understand you when you say no one believes you and such. It's a horrible feeling. My therapist whom I just stopped seeing didn't believe I was a multiple. And at first I questioned myself. And then I realized that she was only looking at a text book explanation and not at a real explanation. Does that make sense?

But you've got people here now who won't tell you that you're wrong. You're going to be believed and supported here =) As for keeping hope: Good for you and your posse! Don't ever forget that you know yourself better than anyone.

Stay strong.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reminder that I only know me best...it makes me wonder why I even went to therapy in the first place...I guess it was a need for a third party to validate me, and that never happened.

If at first we don't succeed (me n' my posse), try, try again.

[coma-white-01.livejournal.com]

Oh, you're welcome =) And thank YOU for the comment on my introduction. Hopefully we can get to know each other =)

I went to therapy for the same reason, for a 3rd party to validate me, because I already knew I was multiple and I thought maybe if the therapist confirmed it, I would feel better...and well, as you already know, it didn't work out for me either =(

But it's good to know we have people here, that are similar to us, who can understand and help, you know? =)

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

I was also born 3 months early, and have CP. Within the last 6 months I've been put in a walker due to loss of stamina because of it. I am, obvioiusly, also multiple. I've never really linked the two together, tho...

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

I didn't discover the link between CP/DID until my psychiatrist told me there are links between some illnesses and DID/Multiplicity. She did her dissertation on the links, and really opened my eyes. It's been an incredible run with her.

I understand needing the walker for the CP. I used to have one, along with a cane. Sometimes I use assistive devices still, otherwise, I try to walk alone. It's not easy, but if we do the best we can for ourselves, that's all that matters.

[redrainstorm.livejournal.com]

I definitely have to do a little research on it then. It's something I never considered at all. I always pinned it on my dysfunctional/abusive family life and never gave disability a second thought.

I hate the walker in a lot of ways. I want to do it *myself*. The whole "needing help" thing gets to me. But it makes such a difference when I use it to get around campus so I use it.

[lightning-seeds.livejournal.com]

I'm really curious if you have any references you can direct me to on the links between multiplcity and other conditions. Do you know if one of the other conditions linked to Multiplicity is Autism?

What about Multiple Sclerosis?

Thanks!

[tatteredscars.livejournal.com]

love your icon. i feel like that so often. heh.

[rabbitsystem.livejournal.com]

Welcome.

"They want to say everyone who hurt us is insensitive, not guilty, and we weren't abused. We were just violated. It's no big deal."
For different reasons, I have experienced this kind of attitude. That which breaks a mind can never be considered minor, but by many, both at the time and now, the four years of hell I endured are dismissed as nothing important, nothing unusual. I have no magical formula to set things right - all I can say is, you are not alone. ~Ellen.

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing with me. My posse and I appreciate the fact that we are not alone. It's going to take a ton of time to find a therapist we are compatible with. The last one we had really did a lot of damage. It's been a year, and we still can't get her words out of our heads...words are powerful, and can hurt badly. Everyone I met with was Ph.D level, and they all dismissed us. Then, they told us to go home, to the place where we are verbally abused each day.

It didn't matter who hurt us in the future...when you put us back in the same negative environment, things go haywire, and nothing changes. Hugs to you and yours. If only therapists, family, and friends would just look at how their words and actions add to the already existing pain...

My posse says there's no end in sight. It's why they stayed here. I just wanted to share, because I think this is important.

[strangelings.livejournal.com]

I've definetly heard of multiplicity resulting from traumatic medical experiences/illnesses before (my therapist has a lot of experience and knowledge in the field and we've talked about this). Says she's read about it before, too. So SOME people somewhere do know about this. Sounds like maybe you could use therapy to help deal with the abuse and other difficulties?

It's not the same, but part of our original trauma has to do with being born two and a half months premmie and very small, with an identical twin who died shortly after birth. We were physically isolated in an incubator for the first three months and I think that's what started the dissociation/splits off...

[susanacts.livejournal.com]

Wow...first of all, it amazes me that there are therapists out there who know about multiplicity. Hopefully, I'll find a match, and deal with the abuse and difficulties sooner, rather than later. Ditto to what you just said.

I know your story is different, but I appreciate sharing...let me know if you need further support. Preemies with twins are so hard to fathom, and I'm so sorry for your loss...but I do understand in some small way, because even though my little brother wasn't my twin, losing him at 21 broke us all. I understand incubator isolation. Been there too. I was in mine from November 1975-April 1976.

Know you are not alone, and support matters. I'm here if you need anything.

[cold-ataraxy.livejournal.com]

We're glad that you're at this community.

- Blackwater-Teq' Nations