Rants of a disaffected newbie
May. 9th, 2002 07:17 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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multiplicity_archivesI know that I'm a newbie and it's probably extremely rude of me to just barge on in here and start bitching but I just need to get this off my chest and I swear that once I post this I'll be the most supportive person ever.
*pant* OK, now that that's out there. . . I might be multiple. I don't know. There are people who interact inside my thoughts, in their own house with their own families. I never ever think of them as objects, because they're real, real people. I know it, even if they're not corporeal. Everything about them I feel like I've discovered, not made up; I feel like they've told me.
I can't stop thinking about them. They're always there. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes it's just. .. sometimes I just want them to be quiet, you know? And sometimets I act out what they're doing, but only when I'm alone.
Sometimes they act independently, sometimes not. When I do something, they do their own version, with their own responses. They come out to play when I'm alone. The problem I have is that I hate that it's halfway. When they talk, I feel like I make them, and they'll never come out in public! Never! I hate this f--ing limbo; either come out to play or just go away!
I don't know if this is some bipolar thing, some beginning stage of DID, just an overactive imagination. I feel like I'm overdramatizing it, but the thing is, I don't really feel any of it. I live through them, I think and act through them, and they through me, and in the process I lose something. I lose my emotions and gain solace, as pathetically poetic as that sounds. One of them cries, so do I, one of them rants, so do I, one of them dances. . . well, my body can't dance, but I do my damndest. But I don't feel anything.
This sucks.
*pant* OK, now that that's out there. . . I might be multiple. I don't know. There are people who interact inside my thoughts, in their own house with their own families. I never ever think of them as objects, because they're real, real people. I know it, even if they're not corporeal. Everything about them I feel like I've discovered, not made up; I feel like they've told me.
I can't stop thinking about them. They're always there. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes it's just. .. sometimes I just want them to be quiet, you know? And sometimets I act out what they're doing, but only when I'm alone.
Sometimes they act independently, sometimes not. When I do something, they do their own version, with their own responses. They come out to play when I'm alone. The problem I have is that I hate that it's halfway. When they talk, I feel like I make them, and they'll never come out in public! Never! I hate this f--ing limbo; either come out to play or just go away!
I don't know if this is some bipolar thing, some beginning stage of DID, just an overactive imagination. I feel like I'm overdramatizing it, but the thing is, I don't really feel any of it. I live through them, I think and act through them, and they through me, and in the process I lose something. I lose my emotions and gain solace, as pathetically poetic as that sounds. One of them cries, so do I, one of them rants, so do I, one of them dances. . . well, my body can't dance, but I do my damndest. But I don't feel anything.
This sucks.
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-09 05:26 pm (UTC)I used to feel "halfway" like that a lot, when I was just starting to meet everyone in here, and realizing that things I thought I had done or thought of or liked were actually someone else. I still feel that way sometimes. Like I'm... one of those new dolls with the blank faces, have you seen those? With little stamps that you apply their facial features with however you want them. Sometimes I feel like that, that I'm just a blank piece of paper and all my Others are real, and I'm just an amalgam of little bits of them.
Or something. In any case, I relate.
And don't worry about being a newbie and diving right in. If it weren't for that, this community would be even more quiet! :)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-10 11:50 pm (UTC)the magic of co-consciousness. and whatnot.
no subject
Date: 2002-05-11 04:58 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-10 06:48 pm (UTC)I've lately become less interested in things I used to like, so that planning activities thing may help. I think I might learn to play chess.
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2002-05-15 08:42 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-20 05:33 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-05-20 08:17 pm (UTC)I think the reason you don't hear much about those in the "grey area" is because most of them don't want to admit that it's real, they're much more happy to believe they're just stressed or sleep deprived or something. sometimes the thought of other personalities in terrifying to those who are stuck in between being "normal" and "multiple"
no subject
Date: 2002-08-27 03:38 pm (UTC)/home/lj/cgi-bin/ljlib.pl line 237.
whatever that means
so i can't read other people's comments on this.
hashref. sheesh.
but it sounds pretty multiple to me
i mean like, as far as my system goes, we're mostly pretty co-conscious with each other and most anyone who would come out is at least somewhat aware of who and what is going on in that outside world. so, like, when we're around our roommate, practically nobody comes out except for like two fronters. often at the same time. and sometimes we spend so much time with our roommate, not switching, that it's like "hey, maybe i'm not multiple anymore." but like then that turns out not to be the case :)
i mean - some people just have the sense and control not to come out in certain situations, like in public - and some people are so co-conscious that other people's words and actions and feelings can feel almost like their own. like those lines also become blurred for us a lot.
but yeah in some ways it can be really frustrating not to be multiple in big obvious "classic" ways cause then it's harder to say "yes i am totally multiple" and feel secure with that identity.
ok i'm babbling.
medianity IS a little confusing...
Date: 2002-10-26 08:41 pm (UTC)i'm a newbie, too; still tryin to figure out who's who, which interests and feelings go with which inner person, etc., so i can relate. some days are very stable, with just one of us (usually me) consistently in front, others have several distinct short periods where others ride just under the surface. at this point, i think there's just 2 of us who can front for any length of time (and one's been doing it years (so long he thought he was alone), so he's really tired of it. i'm pretty much taking up the slack while he straightens himself out. by then, i suspect everyone will have a lot more equal influence and there'll be a lot less emotional confusion.) the rest don't seem to know how to deal with Outside yet, if they care, and there may be others yet unknown.
that feeling that yr "making" them talk is one i feel too, sometimes. they also don't talk publicly at this point, and with our extensive shared working knowledge, it's sometimes tough to be sure whose idea it really is. the emotional coloring seems different, and unraveling that might be the only way to tell.
if you haven't already seen it, you might wanna check out the lancershill & pavilionhall livejournals. they focus on those of us who are more coconscious, less distinctly multiple but not singlet ("median"), and those who are trying to function effectively with little or no therapy.
keswa of ClanBinary
Re: medianity IS a little confusing...
Date: 2002-11-02 04:43 pm (UTC)I hope it gets a lot easier for you; you know, I hope things sort out and you can discover your identity, either multiple or no.
Again, thanks for the lj links.