Rants of a disaffected newbie
May. 9th, 2002 07:17 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
great-stoneface.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
multiplicity_archivesI know that I'm a newbie and it's probably extremely rude of me to just barge on in here and start bitching but I just need to get this off my chest and I swear that once I post this I'll be the most supportive person ever.
*pant* OK, now that that's out there. . . I might be multiple. I don't know. There are people who interact inside my thoughts, in their own house with their own families. I never ever think of them as objects, because they're real, real people. I know it, even if they're not corporeal. Everything about them I feel like I've discovered, not made up; I feel like they've told me.
I can't stop thinking about them. They're always there. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes it's just. .. sometimes I just want them to be quiet, you know? And sometimets I act out what they're doing, but only when I'm alone.
Sometimes they act independently, sometimes not. When I do something, they do their own version, with their own responses. They come out to play when I'm alone. The problem I have is that I hate that it's halfway. When they talk, I feel like I make them, and they'll never come out in public! Never! I hate this f--ing limbo; either come out to play or just go away!
I don't know if this is some bipolar thing, some beginning stage of DID, just an overactive imagination. I feel like I'm overdramatizing it, but the thing is, I don't really feel any of it. I live through them, I think and act through them, and they through me, and in the process I lose something. I lose my emotions and gain solace, as pathetically poetic as that sounds. One of them cries, so do I, one of them rants, so do I, one of them dances. . . well, my body can't dance, but I do my damndest. But I don't feel anything.
This sucks.
*pant* OK, now that that's out there. . . I might be multiple. I don't know. There are people who interact inside my thoughts, in their own house with their own families. I never ever think of them as objects, because they're real, real people. I know it, even if they're not corporeal. Everything about them I feel like I've discovered, not made up; I feel like they've told me.
I can't stop thinking about them. They're always there. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes it's just. .. sometimes I just want them to be quiet, you know? And sometimets I act out what they're doing, but only when I'm alone.
Sometimes they act independently, sometimes not. When I do something, they do their own version, with their own responses. They come out to play when I'm alone. The problem I have is that I hate that it's halfway. When they talk, I feel like I make them, and they'll never come out in public! Never! I hate this f--ing limbo; either come out to play or just go away!
I don't know if this is some bipolar thing, some beginning stage of DID, just an overactive imagination. I feel like I'm overdramatizing it, but the thing is, I don't really feel any of it. I live through them, I think and act through them, and they through me, and in the process I lose something. I lose my emotions and gain solace, as pathetically poetic as that sounds. One of them cries, so do I, one of them rants, so do I, one of them dances. . . well, my body can't dance, but I do my damndest. But I don't feel anything.
This sucks.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-27 03:38 pm (UTC)/home/lj/cgi-bin/ljlib.pl line 237.
whatever that means
so i can't read other people's comments on this.
hashref. sheesh.
but it sounds pretty multiple to me
i mean like, as far as my system goes, we're mostly pretty co-conscious with each other and most anyone who would come out is at least somewhat aware of who and what is going on in that outside world. so, like, when we're around our roommate, practically nobody comes out except for like two fronters. often at the same time. and sometimes we spend so much time with our roommate, not switching, that it's like "hey, maybe i'm not multiple anymore." but like then that turns out not to be the case :)
i mean - some people just have the sense and control not to come out in certain situations, like in public - and some people are so co-conscious that other people's words and actions and feelings can feel almost like their own. like those lines also become blurred for us a lot.
but yeah in some ways it can be really frustrating not to be multiple in big obvious "classic" ways cause then it's harder to say "yes i am totally multiple" and feel secure with that identity.
ok i'm babbling.