Rants of a disaffected newbie

[great-stoneface.livejournal.com]

I know that I'm a newbie and it's probably extremely rude of me to just barge on in here and start bitching but I just need to get this off my chest and I swear that once I post this I'll be the most supportive person ever.

*pant* OK, now that that's out there. . . I might be multiple. I don't know. There are people who interact inside my thoughts, in their own house with their own families. I never ever think of them as objects, because they're real, real people. I know it, even if they're not corporeal. Everything about them I feel like I've discovered, not made up; I feel like they've told me.

I can't stop thinking about them. They're always there. Sometimes it's nice, but sometimes it's just. .. sometimes I just want them to be quiet, you know? And sometimets I act out what they're doing, but only when I'm alone.

Sometimes they act independently, sometimes not. When I do something, they do their own version, with their own responses. They come out to play when I'm alone. The problem I have is that I hate that it's halfway. When they talk, I feel like I make them, and they'll never come out in public! Never! I hate this f--ing limbo; either come out to play or just go away!

I don't know if this is some bipolar thing, some beginning stage of DID, just an overactive imagination. I feel like I'm overdramatizing it, but the thing is, I don't really feel any of it. I live through them, I think and act through them, and they through me, and in the process I lose something. I lose my emotions and gain solace, as pathetically poetic as that sounds. One of them cries, so do I, one of them rants, so do I, one of them dances. . . well, my body can't dance, but I do my damndest. But I don't feel anything.

This sucks.

Comments

medianity IS a little confusing...

[(Anonymous)]

hi,

i'm a newbie, too; still tryin to figure out who's who, which interests and feelings go with which inner person, etc., so i can relate. some days are very stable, with just one of us (usually me) consistently in front, others have several distinct short periods where others ride just under the surface. at this point, i think there's just 2 of us who can front for any length of time (and one's been doing it years (so long he thought he was alone), so he's really tired of it. i'm pretty much taking up the slack while he straightens himself out. by then, i suspect everyone will have a lot more equal influence and there'll be a lot less emotional confusion.) the rest don't seem to know how to deal with Outside yet, if they care, and there may be others yet unknown.

that feeling that yr "making" them talk is one i feel too, sometimes. they also don't talk publicly at this point, and with our extensive shared working knowledge, it's sometimes tough to be sure whose idea it really is. the emotional coloring seems different, and unraveling that might be the only way to tell.

if you haven't already seen it, you might wanna check out the lancershill & pavilionhall livejournals. they focus on those of us who are more coconscious, less distinctly multiple but not singlet ("median"), and those who are trying to function effectively with little or no therapy.

keswa of ClanBinary

Re: medianity IS a little confusing...

[great-stoneface.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I'll check out those livejournals. It's nice having other people to talk to about this. I mean, I have a shrink, and she's really nice, but I'd feel like she'd be assessing me if I'd ever talk to her about my suspicious of being multiple. Sometimes I think I'm making up the whole thing for attention, because I want to feel special. But it really does feel like these peopel are here, inside my head; they don't come out, and I talk about them like they're my regular friends, and I don't feel like I made them up at all.

I hope it gets a lot easier for you; you know, I hope things sort out and you can discover your identity, either multiple or no.

Again, thanks for the lj links.