Amnesiac moment

[weare.livejournal.com]

The oddest thing happened today. Ok, so maybe it wasn't the oddest but it sure was weird.

I was giving my son a bath. All of the sudden I looked at him and was very afraid. I had no idea who this child was or why he was naked in a tub of water. I just watched him, happily playing with his bath toys, and was really scared. I just had no idea.

Then I told myself, "silly, that's Orion."

Who's Orion? Where did he come from?
He's my son.
I gave birth to him?
Um...yeah! How could I forget?

This went on for a moment or two and then the next thing I knew I was back to bathing him. Everything back to normal. Orion didn't even know that anything was different with his mommy.


I've gotten amnesia moments like that before. Where I didn't know who I was or where I was or what I was doing or who I was with or anything. But, this was the first time I interacted with myself and tried to rationalize with myself about it. Usually I would just slowly snap out of it.

It got me thinking. What if there is someone who comes out so rarely that they don't know anything that's going on? And if that same person is so shocked about what they're experiencing that I find myself feeling the same thing (ie, I front so hard that I get lost in the moment). I didn't feel different like I sometimes do when someone takes helm.

Something to think about.

X-posted to my journal.

My question to all of you is this: Do you get these amnesia moments? What do you do when they happen? Why do you think they happen? etc...

Comments

[xerne.livejournal.com]

As a guess, I'd say it sounds like combination of enough coconsciousness that "you" don't feel "someone else" come front, but the person stepping up is, like you said, not familiar enough with front to know what's going on.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

*nods* That's pretty much what I was thinking. It was just weird.

[hurricanrana.livejournal.com]

that's so weird! I just mentioned it ten minutes ago in my journal. I do that alot. I *THINK* it's a person in my system who kinda feels things out and then decides it's safe to come around or says who should come around for that situation. I've sat in my own office before and had a salesperson talk to me and all of a sudden i have no clue who they are. The thing is...it's a good thing becuase in order to know who they are and then NOT know who they are, you're at least co-conscious. But it's freaky. It happens maybe....three or four times a month for me. I guess I'm just used to it. I'm glad things got back on track for you really quikly though = )

Sadina

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[weare.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it doesn't happen a lot for me though. But, when it does it can be pretty scary. Usually it doesn't last long. I don't know which is worse. The times I lose time or the times I have no idea what's going on. lol

[perse.livejournal.com]

I've always gotten those moments. They've gotten fewer over the years, but it still does happen. Particularly if I'm tired, it seems to happen, or if I'm too immersed and introspective.

I know that everyone forgets things, like in the middle of a sentence forgetting what you were going to say, but it happens to me maybe twice a day, at least. On bad days, it's worse. It gets frustrating, but people are generally accomodating and/or just don't notice that it happens to me more than other people.

Sometimes I go to say something and it comes out without grammar, or the words will just evade me even though I "know" what I'm trying to say.

For me, it's more frustrating than anything.

I think the thing about not knowing where you are happens to me because I get so caught up in thinking about something else, even if I'm interacting with other people or immersed in work... I'm always multitasking. If I look up from that multitasking and be still for a minute, it's always very disorienting.

Not sure if this helps any or not...

[hurricanrana.livejournal.com]

i just wanted to let you knwo that I added you and that I hope you don't mind = )

[perse.livejournal.com]

no problem. *adds back*

[kao-no-san.livejournal.com]

That happenes to us alot actually. Havnt' really experenced the 'memeory-loss' much, tend to flip around so much between the five of us that no one really experences much of a loss. We do have moments where we will walk around completely confused, not knowing what we were doing, or where we were going. That happens mostly at work, either it's work that does it, or we spend too much time there ^_^

Re:

[weare.livejournal.com]

I hate it when that happens. I'll walk into a room and be like "what was I going to do?" and either it'll take a moment to remember or I'll just go out and hopefully remember later. It's usually when I have so much going on in my head that I get distracted and can't remember what I was going to do in the first place. lol

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[weare.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I get moments sometimes where I'll just zone out for a moment. Or my mind will go blank. But, at those times I at least know who I am and who's around me. What I was talking about was as if my mind went so blank that no information was there. lol

I know how you feel when you get caught up in something and then getting dioriented. That happens to me too if I have too much to do. :)

[cheshire-house.livejournal.com]

all the time.
it's something i'm still trying to find a way to handle or work with/around.

~cheshire

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[weare.livejournal.com]

It's so good to know We're not alone out there! Usually I recover from it quickly enough that if I'm around people I tell them I just had a ditzy moment or try to somehow play it off as nothing. It's the only thing I've ever done to work with it. Until now I never thought about "why" it would happen.

[ques-nova.livejournal.com]

I've had moments very similar to that, or worse yet where the one who fronted could hardley hear me or didn't believe me. Most of those in my system share memories, and if I work hard enough I can access most any of the body's memories (some exceptions) and I remember frequently the confusion they have and being so lost. I've also had the typical amnesia, which was alot different and not connected to my multiplicity, but that feeling was very similar to the way that my unaware alters feel when they take over.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I have times where someone will front and not remember things that were going on before they fronted. My friends all think I'm just REALLY forgetful. I've been learning how to work through that. Helping my alters to know what happens when they're out and vice versa. But, when I totally have no clue as to who I am or where I am or anything...it can be scary. I just hope that whoever it is who comes out at those times I can help to understand what's happening. I'm just not sure how to do that.

[ghostwalker.livejournal.com]

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[weare.livejournal.com]

I think what bothered me the most is that it happened while I was taking care of my son. It's the first time this happened when he and I were alone. If it ever happens again I just hope that it's not in a similar situation and that at least my husband is around.

[arhuaine.livejournal.com]

One time it happened to us, I think it was someone else fronting who'd never been out before. I was walking down my own street in the early evening and suddenly for about two minutes, I was totally and utterly lost. Didn't have a clue where we were. It was quite freaky. Then it was all over.

Re:

[weare.livejournal.com]

*nods* that sounds a lot like what happens to me on occasion.

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

I think the only time this has happened to me (that I can remember) is when I was in a car accident last year. I wasn't hurt, so I know it wasn't because of head trauma or whatnot, but for 20 minutes or so I had no idea where I was or why I was there. I was just horribly confused and disoriented.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

*nods* accidents can be like that. I remember being in an accident and feeling disoriented and whatnot. I always just chocked it up to just the accident itself. *shrugs*

[duathir.livejournal.com]

My brother spends part of every day in corporeal form, but there is a great deal he does not appear to understand. We have a strong empathic bond, enough that when he is corporeal I can guide him without difficulty, but we do not share "consciousness" - his thoughts are opaque to me, and though I try to explain to him what is going on, he does not always listen or comprehend.

Pregnancy frightened and distressed him more than anything ever has - I am not sure he even realized that it was pregnancy, or that the child came from the body we share. He seemed to regard her much as he would a kitten when she was born - would rock her for hours, walk with her in the backpack, has always been extremely gentle with her, but does not seem to regard her as "his". Now that she is nearly grown, I am not sure he realizes that the maiden he sees now was once the baby he held.

Time is strange for him - in some ways, Time is not. He is confused when he cannot find something where he set it, and will keep going back to check the same place over and over; a small change in a room or on a street can cause him to act as if it were entirely unfamiliar.

Our sister does not share his feelings the way I do, but if she did, I think she might well experience periods of disorientation such as you describe.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

Uoko is like your brother. She tends to miss large periods of time. So, when she's out and about everything is so different. She never seems bothered by it though. Actually, come to think of it, very little bothers her. *shrugs* Just the kind of person she is I guess.

I generally tend to feel what everyone else does but only when they're out and only if I'm aware that they're out. Otherwise when I'm out I can hear them but I don't "feel" them. Unless, ofcourse, they're feeling something very strongly.

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

That happens to me quite frequently. I'll be somewhere then all of a sudden I'll be lost and confused. Sometimes it's so bad I get panic attacks. Then there are the times I can't remember my own name or anything about myself or other people, etc... it's very frightening, though I'm not sure if this has anything to do with others who aren't used to the front or not.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

That sounds exactly like what I'm talking about. I've talked to my husband and a few friends about it and it's not something they experience. Which is why I thought that perhaps it may have to do with someone fronting who is new (to me at least).

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

We had a moment like that about a month ago.

We were standing in the kitchen and miss kitty walked in, and we thought, "what's munchkin's cat doing in our house?" (munchkin was our former flatmate and former owner of the kitties.) We had to think for a minute then tell ourselves calmly that we adopted the kitties after moving out.

We decided in the end that it was someone who doesn't look in on the front often, and hadn't done since we were living with munchkin (which had been about 6-8 months earlier) coming and taking a peek and getting confused. But it was very disorienting for a moment. The amnesia, while it lasted, was very real.

Ruth & co.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

That's sort of what I'm thinking too. That maybe it was someone who doesn't come out often enough to know that we have a son or someone who hadn't been out before.

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

Things like that happen to Us all the time, it's very disorienting and sometimes scary. Usually someone else can talk to whoever else is out and confused, or they can access Our "collective memory". What's really scary is when the person is out by themselves and gets confused - that's happened to Us once or twice. :/

Ash and BrokenWings

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[weare.livejournal.com]

It's so great to know that there are so many who experience the same! :) I hope that next time (if there is a next time) I'll be able to help whoever's out.

[perse.livejournal.com]

I was thinking again on the bus home about what I'd written in my comment here, and I had some clarity on something I said... when I said that it's gotten less over the years... what I prolly should've said is that it happens much less to me when I'm feeling older, and when I'm growing older, than when I'm younger or regressing.

For me, it is never an adult or older teen who gets amnesia moments, it's always someone younger. Also, it happens now and again that I will have waking visions that come out of nowhere. That is intensely disorienting because it seems more real than the physical world around me. Like I can actually see something other than what's in front of my face. (Not sure this will make much sense to you, but I know what I"m trying to say.)

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[weare.livejournal.com]

This kind of makes sense to me actually. At least, I think I know what you're saying about the "waking visions" which happen to me too. Well, for me it's sort of like a very vivid daydream where I don't really see what's going on around me, just the dream. Yet, I'm still awake. Though, I don't really think that it's always a daydream. Sometimes it's a memory or somthing I'm thinking about. It's messed me up before though because a few times I didn't realize at first which was the dream and which was reality. *shrugs*

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

*nods* our core has experienced such things. I have once or twice long ago... it happens infrequently now I think b/c we are just 3 as opposed to 200.

Don't know why though. Never have figured out why it occurs. Wish we could. heh. Might make some sense of a few odd things. The staring at someone you know you should recognize but don't rings tons of bells. Don't know precisely why though b/c I've never experienced that directly afaik.

El

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[weare.livejournal.com]

It's good to know that others have experienced the same thing or similar. Even if we don't know the cause...though I'm getting an idea.

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

Oh god, yes. It was particularly poignant to see someone describe this sort of thing happening with regard to their young son. I have a four year old boy, Alden, who would love it that your son is named orion, as he loved the story of artemis and orion. One night I was driving with alden asleep in the back seat, and a very very young child inside me, Lollia, became corporeal. She was terrified beyond belief at being in the driver's seat, but as it happened another of my people was present at the same time...which can happen, confusing but reassuring as it is, and she was doing the driving. I will never forget the horror with which I realized that there was a boy in the back seat, that he had without a doubt come out of my body, and yet if anything he was older than I was at that moment.
It is startling, indeed frightening, when people who have had a life of their own inside you come out and take a moment to catch up with what is going on. When they are a different age, or nationality, or species, it can be jolting. However, with me and most of the other experiences I hear of, there do seem to be some safety measures taken within the system, however minimal they seem to us. The jolt either comes at a time that isnt as risky to the body as it could be, or it doesnt last very long. take care.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

One of my greatest fears is something happening to Orion. Lately he's been the only reason why I sometimes insist on coming out. Something happens and it's like *snap* Mommy's here! lol Everyone else seems to be pretty understanding about it. Especially since it appears that I'm the only one who thinksof him as our son. Everyone else looks at him like a little brother or nephiew or just some kid we take care of.

*hugs*

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[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

That's a whole other interesting topic..who views themselves as the mother of one's child and who doesnt. I remember once insisting that we all are the mother of alden, but of course that is patently untrue. Three of my people view themselves as alden's mother, and act as such, with varying strengths and weaknesses. Those who dont want to deal with alden simply hide when it's time to tend to his needs. I realize that is way too simple and convenient and not all multiples would have it work out that way at all.
I'm not sure how to ask this, but what worries you the most when you envision some of the people in your system taking care of orion? Is there any way to prepare in advance, have some sort of inter-system ground rules.... or have some sort of prearranged way you could contact someone very close, who understands what is going on, to maybe do respite care for orion in the event of someone very young taking the helm?
Also, have you experienced two or more sharing the body at the same time? If that is going on, someone young or not identified as mom could be out, and at the same time whoever is orion's mom could be watching out for him. Strange, but sometimes possible.
hang in there, and take care..

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[weare.livejournal.com]

Well, my really big worry is that I'll have an "amnesia moment" at a really bad time. Another worry I sometimes have is when Uoko comes out. She sometimes forgets Orion's there unless he aks us for something. However, lately I've been able to remain aware when she's out and I try to remind her to keep an eye on him. It's been getting better.

My largest fear, though, isn't about those in my system but those who aren't a part of it. lol Ie. the wrong person finding out we're multiple and then someone trying to take my son away. My husband says there's no way that would happen because I'm functional and able to take care of our son. Not to mention that he's there too. And, from what I've read, he's right. Yet, I still worry about "the wrong people" finding out.

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[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

I've been raising four children for 13 years by myself as a multiple. Between my more evolved selves and my guides, there seems to be a system in place that prioritizes caring for the children of my body. Even in the middle of a severe flashback or switch, if one of my outside kids shows up, there is this automatic re-orienting response that puts someone out front who knows how to deal.

I used to worry alot about the safety of my children and Our ability to care for them... but this has happened enough that I trust it.

I read something written by a collective once that explained that DID is one of the least harmful (to self and others) disorders out there. The fact that we developed it in the first place says something profound about our commitment to functionality and our attitude about harming others. I'm guessing that your system has a system of checks and balances... ask around inside and see what kind of answers you get.

[asrai-d.livejournal.com]

I've had many moments when everything seems so new. Even tho i'm somewhere i've been time and again, it seems brand new. the whole world does.

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[weare.livejournal.com]

I get those too. Sometimes they're really cool. I like it when everything looks different and new. I just don't like it when it gets to the point of being like amnesia. But, the new and different, that can be kind of cool sometimes. Like seeing the world through someone else's eyes for the first time :)

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

As we get older, the experience of coming into a room and forgetting what you came in there for is happening to us more often. We never had this before just a few years ago. We're starting to have to make grocery lists instead of remembering what we want. We're having senior moments and forget where we put things when they're right in front of us. We're all doing it -- even Gabriel -- which says to me that it's our body and brain getting older, and not to do with our being plural.