fight or flight (x-posted to my lj)

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

so i get these wonderful (i say sarcastically) cold chills running up my spine leaving me feeling painfully numb, which tells me a number of things - usually i'm "leaving" and someone(s) else is "coming in"; as well as a situation is fast approaching and there are things i cannot change and it's anxiety and apprehension...
The “chill factor” could be a byproduct of the struggle that occurs when alters switch back and forth....in addition to being a method of attempting to derail your train of thought when pursuing answers.
this is an explanation given to me when i could find no other and this seems to fit what i feel is going on...
but i wish i could "will" it away...

my therapist has been sent a few things to let him know that perhaps i'm being occupied by more than one person...there's someone in my head, but it's not me...

i've talked to him about this again and again and every time i do, i blurt things out and have a hard time talking about it in a sane and logical fashion and the intense feeling of LEAVING THE OFFICE is so overwhelming that i just stop talking...well, it FEELS like i stop talking, but i'm sure i don't...

i see my therapist wednesday morning (first thing) and i'm about crawling out of my skin - sleep is off and on and somewhat of a joke...my waking moments are filled w/anxiety verging on massive panic attacks and nothing is making sense anymore...
trying to get and stay calm seems to be the planned action for the next two days and i feel like there is a lot of yelling going on - kind of like the war room in dr. strangelove...

every fiber in my being is just SCREAMING not to go to that appointment - but i know i need to...i know this, and yet that seems to matter not in the least...

sometimes when i think i'm really ready for some answers or get some form of communication going - it becomes so horrendously hard to concentrate and focus on that idea that i pretty much give up and let whatever happens happen...

anyhow, thanks for listening...

Comments

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

you'll get through it.. have you thought about packing a few "comfort" items or something for your appointment.. they might help.. or if you have a friend that knows.. maybe spending some time with them.. and writing questions and then seeing.. it's scary.. and feels impossible.. but it is much better afterward

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

like what kind of "comfort" items? i usually wear my gray sweat jacket w/the hood, but that's it...

[gryphons.livejournal.com]

well we usually have a stone or something.. sometimes little stuffies.. something you can touch and maybe help calm down some.. different ones of us have different comfort items.. so it varies a lot on what the person wants..

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

hadn't thought about something like that...good idea...

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i try and shake it off, but sometimes it gets painful...

[othergalaxy.livejournal.com]

You'll make it... and eventually improve communication between all your people or selves or whatever, just as gryphons said above, it can be scary...

Hope your therapist will be understanding with this. Cheers.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you - i appreciate the encouragement...

[nat-leia.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome.

[same system as above guys]

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

ok, thanks again...

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

I get the chills too, generally when Tahl is trying to get my attention, or to just let me know that he's here. The other thing that he causes is a tremor in my jaw, or chills from neck to ankle. It feels rather odd. XD

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i don't know who's trying to get my attention - i just know that it seems to be a sign that something is about to happen...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Heya. You'll be okay. We agree with gryphons It can be terribly scary but you will feel better afterword.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you - what you said actually does help....

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. ::Sends comfort::

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

it's tuesday morning and tomorrow morning is the appointment...i want to crawl into a hole and hide...

[forever-alone.livejournal.com]

Ungh, I know what you mean. Every time I go to therapy a part of me wishes I had never told her about being multiple, then I wouldn't have to address any of these issues. Logically I know it's for the best, but it's scary and overwhelming and mostly makes me want to disappear. Familiarity feels safe, even if it's miserable. Misery I know how to deal with... but I'm going off on a tangent now, so nevermind.

come back and finish your tangent!

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

what the hell?
just when you were getting interesting and i could totally relate - you stopped talking...go back to the tangent cuz that's exactly how i am feeling at this moment in time...

it's scary as all hell and i don't like it...
the hiding i am used to doing, my friend said this:

I think it is intended to serve as a mechanism to distract or divert “you” from learning information (making progress) that would damage the system’s carefully balanced covert operations. A big part of their programming has always been to “pass for Janina” and not let their own identity be known. The mechanism that created a disassociative persona in the first place is not going to readily accept discovery of knowledge of what is going on, because it could lead to revelation of the original trauma from which they have been protecting you all this time.

i couldn't have put this better myself...

Re: come back and finish your tangent!

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Also we just wanted to say that we think you have a beautiful name.

Re: come back and finish your tangent!

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you

Re: come back and finish your tangent!

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

You're welcome.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

It could be physical. Our switching seems to be tied in with the body's biochemistry. Among other things we've noticed when there are male and female frontrunning staff, the men tend to appear in the mornings now -- the earlier you wake us and the less sleep we've had the more likely one of the guys will have the body. Back in the early 70s, it was the opposite. We don't experience chills, but one person close to us reported he got chills when Jason was out and about. Why Jason, I really don't know. He's very peaceful even when he's zooming around housecleaning.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

i don't know if this is chemistry or not but it can get incredibly painful and when i'm at my friend's house in his bed - i pull the covers up and he knows that a sign that something's going on that i'm not all that comfortable with...sometimes i wind up crying because it's so painful and intrusive...
the other night i had what's called a crying orgasm (http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexconcerns/0,,drpatti_76dv,00.html)...and he knew this would evoke a serious response and sure enough - it did...
i got cold, and shaky and felt so violent and angry and he knew this and i told him i felt like i was losing control and he thought the sullen 16 yr. old self destructive boy (julian) was coming out and i said No, i won't have that and it felt like such a struggle to keep all that inside and not let him out...
he doesn't like sex or getting naked...
and it's like a chore...

anyhow, thanks for listening...

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

It sounds like what Chris Costner-Sizemore used to go through. It wasn't because anyone was trying to hide things from her, but because she herself was terrified of losing control, since she completely lost consciousness when one of the others would appear and by her own account she would have no way of telling if this was an ordinary switch or if she were losing her mind or even dying. She was trying to hold on.

Andy asks if you have been checked for mild epilepsy also... rule out physical things which might contribute. He has also had anxiety attacks in the past which have had similar effects.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

oh, i am so fearful of losing control - i've been hospitalized about 6 or 7 times for one week at a time and it's not great shakes...at one point i had just been released from the hospital, and about lost my mind...so the control thing is somewhat of a fragile balance w/me...(as i am sure w/others as well)...i deal w/being bipolar/borderline personality disorder and that is no day at the beach...i'm on meds for that, but sometimes the meds don't even help...the the manic high and lows? oh, god - they are a nightmare...
the cold chills? sometimes i get those out of the blue and my friend thinks one of my turns is coming on, but i tell him i can tell the difference between that and the other...
my psychologist is making arrangements for me to not only see a neuropsychologist but also have an MRI done...i don't know when, but he's working on it...
i have these conversations in my head and sometimes i'm not sure if it's me arguing/talking to myself, or me and "someone" completely different...the voice in my head is not my own and the responses are not normally something i would tell myself...it's confusing as all hell...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

Perhaps there is a way to teach Julian that it's not cool to harm the body. And maybe he just doesn't know how to handle stuff and needs a little help. Just cuz he's scary right now doesn't mean he's wanting to kill you or anything. Every one around here thought I was scary when I first made my presence known and that was just because of my presence and not because I'd actually physically done any thing. Maybe you could leave Julian a note, a very nice and respectful note asking him to write you back and telling him that he doesn't need to be harming the body. But keeping him totally locked in isn't a good idea either. I really hope that helps. And if there's any way I can help I'll try. I kind of sort of relate somewhat to Julian. I'm not violent but I am very sarcastic and have a cutting edge to my wit. But ::Shrug:: yeah.
Alissa

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

julian likes to cut girls when he becomes angry (hence stitches in my left wrist, and bandages on the right a few weeks back)...he drives fast - mostly to show off, but usually to get from one place to another (he doesn't have a license) and they let him drive because he lets them listen to their music...
it's a delicate balance...
he both swears and gets angry a lot, and doesn't like to listen to anyone and has actually written notes to my friend randall...i don't keep him locked in, he "comes out" of his own accord and is usually cranky...
yet -
he's actually asked for help...
so, yeah...

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

::Nod:: As long as you don't keep him locked in stuff might work out better. ::Offers a hug::
Alissa

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you - i'll keep that in mind

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. :-) I'm answering for Alissa but she sends a wave.
Jess

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

:)

[rhymer-713.livejournal.com]

:-):-D

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Okay, don't take this the wrong way or anything. It's just an honest question. However, I noticed that in your last post about this guy (who has the same name as a 45-year-old woman in our system, lol), you said you had absolutely no communication with him or others at all, that you couldn't even write notes to each other. Yet in a previous post you were suggesting (if I read it right) that you had managed to figure out his name, gender, age, and what you thought his personality was like, while watching a movie. How did you figure out his name and age and so forth if there isn't any communication between your group? You've attributed motives to him at various times, but how can you know those things if you can't even communicate through notes? Just wondering.

~Yushyu

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

julian?
i've been aware of him for years now...i don't know how - but i do...but i didn't learn about him thru a movie...i don't understand what you mean by that...
writing to whomever is difficult - it just doesn't get sent, but it seems that notes, messages, emails and letters get sent to my friend and he accepts and saves them...
it's a sense - a feeling, i wish i could better put it into words, but i'm at a loss for them right now...

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

We would advise using caution and going slowly, if you are having this much anxiety and physical reactions it may be your body;s way of saying that whatever it is your pushing for is not something your ready to deal with yet. Try working on making yourself feel safer and happier instead and when that safe feeling is strong enough what you have been pushing for may just open up naturally.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

thank you so much for saying this...last night was horrendous w/the cold and shaking and my leg bounces just to keep it at bay, but that isn't always enough...

thanks again

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

My roommate, who is also a multiple, said you might want to consider a different therapist as well. I said I wasn't sure how much of what you were talking about was connected to the therapist, but I'm passing her comment along just in case. Oh, and if the chills continue to be a problem you might want to check with a doctor in case something physical is going on as well.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

the therapist/psychologist has strongly suggested a neuropsychologist for further testing as well as an MRI to check out the cold chills and headaches to make sure all the bases are covered...

thank you for your thoughtfulness and consideration

[seaclans.livejournal.com]

You are most welcome.