fight or flight (x-posted to my lj)

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

so i get these wonderful (i say sarcastically) cold chills running up my spine leaving me feeling painfully numb, which tells me a number of things - usually i'm "leaving" and someone(s) else is "coming in"; as well as a situation is fast approaching and there are things i cannot change and it's anxiety and apprehension...
The “chill factor” could be a byproduct of the struggle that occurs when alters switch back and forth....in addition to being a method of attempting to derail your train of thought when pursuing answers.
this is an explanation given to me when i could find no other and this seems to fit what i feel is going on...
but i wish i could "will" it away...

my therapist has been sent a few things to let him know that perhaps i'm being occupied by more than one person...there's someone in my head, but it's not me...

i've talked to him about this again and again and every time i do, i blurt things out and have a hard time talking about it in a sane and logical fashion and the intense feeling of LEAVING THE OFFICE is so overwhelming that i just stop talking...well, it FEELS like i stop talking, but i'm sure i don't...

i see my therapist wednesday morning (first thing) and i'm about crawling out of my skin - sleep is off and on and somewhat of a joke...my waking moments are filled w/anxiety verging on massive panic attacks and nothing is making sense anymore...
trying to get and stay calm seems to be the planned action for the next two days and i feel like there is a lot of yelling going on - kind of like the war room in dr. strangelove...

every fiber in my being is just SCREAMING not to go to that appointment - but i know i need to...i know this, and yet that seems to matter not in the least...

sometimes when i think i'm really ready for some answers or get some form of communication going - it becomes so horrendously hard to concentrate and focus on that idea that i pretty much give up and let whatever happens happen...

anyhow, thanks for listening...

Comments

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

It sounds like what Chris Costner-Sizemore used to go through. It wasn't because anyone was trying to hide things from her, but because she herself was terrified of losing control, since she completely lost consciousness when one of the others would appear and by her own account she would have no way of telling if this was an ordinary switch or if she were losing her mind or even dying. She was trying to hold on.

Andy asks if you have been checked for mild epilepsy also... rule out physical things which might contribute. He has also had anxiety attacks in the past which have had similar effects.

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

oh, i am so fearful of losing control - i've been hospitalized about 6 or 7 times for one week at a time and it's not great shakes...at one point i had just been released from the hospital, and about lost my mind...so the control thing is somewhat of a fragile balance w/me...(as i am sure w/others as well)...i deal w/being bipolar/borderline personality disorder and that is no day at the beach...i'm on meds for that, but sometimes the meds don't even help...the the manic high and lows? oh, god - they are a nightmare...
the cold chills? sometimes i get those out of the blue and my friend thinks one of my turns is coming on, but i tell him i can tell the difference between that and the other...
my psychologist is making arrangements for me to not only see a neuropsychologist but also have an MRI done...i don't know when, but he's working on it...
i have these conversations in my head and sometimes i'm not sure if it's me arguing/talking to myself, or me and "someone" completely different...the voice in my head is not my own and the responses are not normally something i would tell myself...it's confusing as all hell...