Hi

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

It has almost been a decade since I even thought about being a multiple or having DID to begin with, but the topic keeps coming up in my life lately. I'd just as soon forget all about it, but something is nagging at me to learn more about my past experiences (perhaps my near-fullterm pregnancy). I'm hoping that this community can help shed light onto whatever I went through when I possibly had multiple personality disorder.

What triggered me to join this community is the seething anger I experienced recently at the hands of someone's alter. I had recently made friends with someone who revealed to me eventually that she was a multiple. I found so much in common with her that I started to share with her my past experiences. She instantly invalidated that I ever even had such experiences, said that I was lying for attention more or less, and one of her multiples started to attack me passive-aggressive style saying things to invalidate that I ever had the disorder and convincing mutual friends that I was just trying to win at the "who can have more problems" game which was totally untrue.

Anyway, because it has been so long since I even thought about looking into recent research on the matter and because my - supposed disorder - was well out-weighed by a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety, I wasn't up to date on what the latest claims are on what's considered a so-called "valid" clinical definition. Given my disposition through the other disorders I struggle to manage (and probably my pregnancy hormones) I became so irrate and then that turned into questioning my experience that maybe I wasn't even a multiple to begin with and that I had faked the whole thing and then that turned into wondering if this stress was going to trigger another episode of DID (or whatever I had) since I don't know if it could or not. The fear of it triggering another episode of this is also made greater by the fear that if I have another episode, I wouldn't have much support since all these people seem to not believe that it exists. How tough it must be to have this disorder and need support!

So, the bottom line is this. I really want to know what happened to me when I was going through what may or may not have been DID. I really want to know if it's true or if I'm just a liar. The problem is that I simply don't remember what it was like to be another personality. I have no recollections at all of anything I did as other personalities and never had any communication from another personality through a voice in my head or however that can happen. The only experience I had with my alters was when I'd find a note in a different handwriting, someone would tell me about something weird I'd do when I was experiencing "lost time", and the overwhelming feeling of totally being out of control of my life.

I have been treated for anxiety, depression, childhood/aldulthood abuse, and DID and am currently working hardest on managing depression and anxiety through medication and keeping my cool during my pregnancy. While I haven't had any lost time that I can remember in the past 8 years, I don't know if it's possible that I still have the DID disorder or not. It doesn't really matter to me if I do or not, I'm just trying to find answers about myself that either I forgot a long time ago or that I can't remember. I'm terrified of going through another episode again. I'm also SO confused about how my friend reacted about me trying to connect with her by telling her about my experiences.

It didn't occur to me until after her reaction that maybe she feels threatened by me that she's not special because up until that point she had never known someone else that had ever had the disorder before. Another thing I've just observed about her which is an observation, not an attempt to judge her, is that she says a lot of things that are just impossible to be true, and her version of how her disorder manifests just doesn't sit well with me. My truth meter goes off all the time around her. I have distanced myself from her lately since I don't want her drama to interfere with my own, but the events stirred up a lot of my baggage that I do want to explore. It's not my place to say if she has it or not, but from the way she treated me, it's so hard to believe that anyone would be so cruel to a fellow-sufferer.

Anyway, that's my introduction.

Comments

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Boy I'm post-y this week. :) This is all my opinion.

Look, you have a right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Whether she's being truthful or not (and trust your truth-meter) she should not be mean to you. So deal with that on that level. If she starts in on you, walk away.

Sadly someone being mean or not has no relationship to who they are. Multiples can be mean as shit to other multiples, but so can a variety of other people be mean to a variety of other people. The issue in your life is how to deal with someone that treats you badly. Don't hook it up to her multiplicity.

Second - no one is going to be able to tell you if you're "a liar" (I think you mean, if you're confused and deceived in some way) but you. Some other multiple or not-multiple or batshit crazy multiple may well exist but that doesn't make YOU a liar or not.

: )

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reminding me that multiplicity does not equal being mean. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember even though I have mental problems myself with depression/anxiety that doesn't make me mean (well, for the most part - I can get snappy sometimes). My mom was particularly abusive to me in childhood and she has bipolar. I remember how amazing it was to meet people who had bipolar who weren't abusive at all later on (I'm talking in my preteens, not as an adult - I'm not THAT judgemental).

[crystalseraph.livejournal.com]

And your friend was acting like an ass.

Pretty much. From my experience, when a friend acts that way, they are generally being insecure.

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

it seems like you're distressed at being told it was all made up

This is totally true.

Points of view

[gharveyn.livejournal.com]

Hi Kassi,
We are still learning our way around here, so please don't take anything we may say as definitive or authoritative, even though we may tend to speak that way.

Number one issue here really depends on nhow you perceive what is going on with you.

Do you think it is a disorder? Is it interfering with your life or hurting you in ways that make you feel threatened?

One thing we have learned since coming here is that there are a lot of multiple systems for whom their situation is not considered a disorder.

The symptoms that may make you feel like you have a disorder may simply be due to not having adequate explanations for what is happening with you.

If in fact you are a multiple (certainly sounds like it) then perhaps you just need to do some work in self-discovery. Coming here is a good beginning. We were directed to Astrea's website and found a lot of good information there as well.

http://www.astraeasweb.net

A little advice for the moment: back off from labelling yourself or your problems while you dig a little deeper into what may really be going on. Perhaps you will learn ot see this part of your life as a gift, many people here seem to appreciate their multipleness.

Other comments regarding your friend's behaviour here have been valid, but we particularly liked CrystalSeraph's remark about your friend being insecure.

You're friend may be acting out reactions she has expereinced when trying to share her multipleness with intolerant people, it's a human thing to learn such responses by being abused and then act out the role of being an abuser when the opportunity arises. Possibly she couldn't help herself from racting that way and will feel badly about it later but have trouble apologising or making ammends.

We hope for both your sakes that she will come around to a more compassionate attitude and you can go on being friends.

Meanwhile, be more loving and compassionate and accepting toward yourself, you deserve the support.

Re: Points of view

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link! : )

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

The thing is, the clinical diagnosis of DID is so poor, and describes so little of multiplicity, that it's almost useless as a standard for anything but insurance forms. The question is, do you think other people shared your mind and body? The notes in unknown handwriting, which appeared during periods of lost time, make me think you probably did, but you're the only one who can really know.

Johnny

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

Agreement with shandra, here. If a person, single or multiple, lashes out at you or jumps to accuse you of lying and attention seeking, backstabs you and tries to turn friends against you, you're better off not having anything to do with that person. I've just seen waaay too much BS excused by "it was my angry person, not me!"

There are a certain amount of people out there who turn rabidly defensive because they've run into frauds and exploiters, and now decide that any other person they encounter who even suggests that they think they might possibly be multiple can only ever be faking/lying for attention.

I can't tell anyone whether they are or aren't, but you may want to explore some of the links in the community userinfo.

-Lilac

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

"it was my angry person, not me!"

In not so many words, that's basically what this girl is doing. I know that I have other people my husband, family, and other friends that are supportive that I can always go to, but it's just real scarey knowing that the group of people I felt most comfortable talking to about it ended up sorta treating it like, "no, we've already got the DID person in our clique so you can't have it." Of course not all the people involved in the situation are that extreme, but that's the vibe I got off of them.

My family, on the other hand, is well aware of my problems. They call it my "Sybil phase" which is just the only way they can put it. I don't blame them for not educating themselves more about it because it hasn't come up in a long time as something that they need to educate themselves about. But the bottom line about the support system is that I do have people and this community looks like it's going to be real fun. I'm looking forward to all the information I'll get from the community.