Hi

[brightflashes.livejournal.com]

It has almost been a decade since I even thought about being a multiple or having DID to begin with, but the topic keeps coming up in my life lately. I'd just as soon forget all about it, but something is nagging at me to learn more about my past experiences (perhaps my near-fullterm pregnancy). I'm hoping that this community can help shed light onto whatever I went through when I possibly had multiple personality disorder.

What triggered me to join this community is the seething anger I experienced recently at the hands of someone's alter. I had recently made friends with someone who revealed to me eventually that she was a multiple. I found so much in common with her that I started to share with her my past experiences. She instantly invalidated that I ever even had such experiences, said that I was lying for attention more or less, and one of her multiples started to attack me passive-aggressive style saying things to invalidate that I ever had the disorder and convincing mutual friends that I was just trying to win at the "who can have more problems" game which was totally untrue.

Anyway, because it has been so long since I even thought about looking into recent research on the matter and because my - supposed disorder - was well out-weighed by a lifelong battle with depression and anxiety, I wasn't up to date on what the latest claims are on what's considered a so-called "valid" clinical definition. Given my disposition through the other disorders I struggle to manage (and probably my pregnancy hormones) I became so irrate and then that turned into questioning my experience that maybe I wasn't even a multiple to begin with and that I had faked the whole thing and then that turned into wondering if this stress was going to trigger another episode of DID (or whatever I had) since I don't know if it could or not. The fear of it triggering another episode of this is also made greater by the fear that if I have another episode, I wouldn't have much support since all these people seem to not believe that it exists. How tough it must be to have this disorder and need support!

So, the bottom line is this. I really want to know what happened to me when I was going through what may or may not have been DID. I really want to know if it's true or if I'm just a liar. The problem is that I simply don't remember what it was like to be another personality. I have no recollections at all of anything I did as other personalities and never had any communication from another personality through a voice in my head or however that can happen. The only experience I had with my alters was when I'd find a note in a different handwriting, someone would tell me about something weird I'd do when I was experiencing "lost time", and the overwhelming feeling of totally being out of control of my life.

I have been treated for anxiety, depression, childhood/aldulthood abuse, and DID and am currently working hardest on managing depression and anxiety through medication and keeping my cool during my pregnancy. While I haven't had any lost time that I can remember in the past 8 years, I don't know if it's possible that I still have the DID disorder or not. It doesn't really matter to me if I do or not, I'm just trying to find answers about myself that either I forgot a long time ago or that I can't remember. I'm terrified of going through another episode again. I'm also SO confused about how my friend reacted about me trying to connect with her by telling her about my experiences.

It didn't occur to me until after her reaction that maybe she feels threatened by me that she's not special because up until that point she had never known someone else that had ever had the disorder before. Another thing I've just observed about her which is an observation, not an attempt to judge her, is that she says a lot of things that are just impossible to be true, and her version of how her disorder manifests just doesn't sit well with me. My truth meter goes off all the time around her. I have distanced myself from her lately since I don't want her drama to interfere with my own, but the events stirred up a lot of my baggage that I do want to explore. It's not my place to say if she has it or not, but from the way she treated me, it's so hard to believe that anyone would be so cruel to a fellow-sufferer.

Anyway, that's my introduction.