rambling...no ranting, just confused rambling

[mrshannibal.livejournal.com]

in a response to a post, cirape said:
I view nonfunctional multiplicity as something with missing time and system members being unable to communicate and the like.

conveying in words i could not find, exactly what i have been going through...
talked w/my psychologist this week about it and he's suggesting we keep track of this and asked about letters written, emails sent, things bought, places gone w/out my forefront knowledge...
i told him this had been happening for years, but i blew it off as "forgetting" because people DO forget things from time to time...i mean, after all, don't most people talk to themselves in their head, right?
heh, it's only when my daughter tells me "you know you have a british accent, right?" and "umm, when did you forget to know how to make coffee?"
cuz that happens to everyone, right?
uh, no...
it's only been within the past 3 years that it has become more and more prevelant, which confuses and scares me to no end...people at work have said things of concern and i brush that off as having a bad day, or i'm feeling emotional or whatever comes out of my mouth that makes sense to them and they walk away - satisified w/the answer they've been given only to leave me befuddled as to just exactly what was said...

system members being unable to communicate and the like.
i read this and thought - oh yeah, well, THE LIKE part got me in the emergency ward w/about 3 stitches on one wrist and bandages on the other because apparently there is a sullen 16 yr. old boy that gets angry quite easily and then gets self destructive...most of the time it's contained and curtailed, but sometimes - well, sometimes it just happens...
i was there in the hospital all day...then i saw my psychologist that afternoon...

so he asked for copies of things that had been written and/or sent and such and i asked my friend to help me w/that because the last time i thought to do that - the paperwork got lost and my friend said,
"maybe there's someone who DOESN'T want anyone to know at all"
and i brushed it off as "forgetting"...

i've come to find that when i "go" somewhere else or however that can be explained, i get this bone-chilling cold shiver, and it's slightly numbing and not all that pleasant...usually happens when i feel stressed and/or threatened...
what happens to you when you "change"?

i've taken a break from posting in my personal journal because every time i put in the attempt, it's gone...nothing gets posted, not even jokes or pics or whatever - so i took a break...someone wrote a nice note and that was that...sometimes it bothers me, but i'm going with it for now...i've been in other communities and lj's of friends, but nothing like being here where i feel better...well, as good as i can feel...

anyhow, i don't know where i'm going w/this - but thanks for letting me ramble...

Comments

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

How are you judging whether someone is a very functional system, and what are you defining as functional? I'm curious.

-Lilac

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

Maybe functional means everything works the way it's supposed to? I think of being functional as meaning being able to get to the front and leave the front since that's all I'm able to think about. I can't leave the front and I don't know if I ever can or not. The group I'm with may be mostly functional because they can do it, but I'm not functional because I can't do it. :( So I'm a disfunctional individual within a mostly functional group? Though there are other problems too like depression or anxiety that some of them go through and I've experienced too. So that doesn't make things too functional. Maybe this entire group I'm with isn't functional. :( It's probably my fault too because I'm broken.

-Butterfly

[vacillate.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't say for sure if someone is a 'very functional system'. What I can guess is that they're more 'functional' than I am within this ...situation. I won't call it a disorder out of respect for those that don't think it is.

I read, and I envy those that can talk about 'us', and 'we', and 'this is what so-and-so thinks and feels', and all of that. That, to me, is functional, at least on some level. From what I gather, there are several here that don't suffer from time lapses. I do. I feel I am less functional because damnit, if I can't remember half a day, and I don't know what I did in that time lost, I don't really find that "functional". It might be for someone else, but for me it is not.

On another post, in a comment, people were talking about fragmentedminds, and I've joined there as well. I do really, really like reading this community, I just don't get the feeling that trauma based multiplicity is the norm here. That's why I don't post. I just glean wisdom from others.

Hope that answered your question. :) It's more or less a perceived functionality. I see in others what I'd like to be able to do with the Others that are with me, and I feel that if I was able to, we would be more functional.

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I hope this is okay to ask, but how does a person know they are trauma based? If there were traumas that did happen to some individuals within a group does that just mean that some groups might not have come into existance because of trauma, but still had trauma happen to them?

-Butterfly

[tej-agni.livejournal.com]

I understand. Thank you.

-Butterfly