(no subject)

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

Situation:
My boyfriend, S, is British. I'm in the U.S., so our main line of communication is instant messenger type services. S seems to have trouble wrapping his mind around the idea that we're seperate entities. A few days ago, Es happened to be in control of the body, and introduced herself. S is now rather weirded out about the whole thing.

Questions:
Do any of you have suggestions on how we might go about getting him used to the idea that I come as a 'package deal'? (Note that anyone but me finds it very difficult to front in S' presence. I expect that to change as we get used to being around him in-person.)

It'll be somewhere down the line, that we have to figure out how to explain that I'm the only one who percieves themself to have an existing relationship to him. So far as my brainmates are concerned, he's a random stranger that I'm very fond of. Stealth relationship-building is difficult, so if anyone has suggestions about that, I'd appreciate them as well.

Cheers,
- Kat

Comments

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

I have seen the question on here a lot about significant others and what to do if only one is inthe relationship etc...
For myself personally... I and We will not allow a relationship unless We agree. If We don't all agree, it doesn't happen. Therefore, I have been married once and am now engaged to a man I have been with for a long time.
I know other systems where each one has their own Significant other but personally, if we all dont agree, then something is wrong... but again... that is ONLY me... many others are different and live differently. I just feel that unanimous agreement makes life a lot easier to deal with, and, given that many folks have to agree, we haven't ended up with any abusive loser assholes... just one guy who got overwhelmed and our current SO. It works for us... but I know that is just me...

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

If We don't all agree, it doesn't happen.

We use a similar rule of thumb, and nobody objects to S (though we could do without his opinion that there's a Single Person behind us all somewhere. That irritates all of us, and we're working to convince him otherwise). We also have a one-body/one-romantic-involvement policy. However, we don't specify that everyone be involved with the SO.

That last is where part of the problem is. Kathru is in love with S. The rest of us aren't looking for romantic relationships, but since Kat prefers to spend so much time in his presence, the rest of us feel like we should gain experience interacting with him. We could just mimic Kat, but that wouldn't exactly be ethical of us.

[interfaceleader.livejournal.com]

Honesty in relationships is the most important thing, and especially in long distance ones. If he has never experienced multiplicity, he is going to be very surprised when you are there in person, and one of the others fronts. If you're planning on making this work I would recommend being as honest as you possibly can be, explain the situation totally and how it's going to affect him. I mean, if I was in a relationship with a multiple, I would like to know as early on as possible, and I'd also quite like to be introduced to the other people involved. After all, you can out-run mother-in-laws, but you can't get away from someone who lives in your s/o head, and sometimes who occasionally is your s/o. :3

[stealthdragon.livejournal.com]

..explain the situation totally and how it's going to affect him.

Kat told him about us, roughly six months ago now. He seems to have trouble wrapping his mind around the idea of several people in one body. (His theory is that some mythical 'I', who's personified her various brain regions. When not mercilessly condensed into one sentence, his view almost exactly parallels ours, except that he hasn't taken that last step to conclude that we have seperate personhoods.) The conversation stalled there, and he now seems to be avoiding the issue. We rather think that we've mishandled it, but are hopeful that we can salvage the situation, provided that we can figure out what to do next.

Intentionally brining up how our existance will affect him does sound necessary, and might help with him feeling weirded-out. However, if he Really Doesn't Want to talk about it, forcing the discussion (or monologue) on him might make the situation worse.

Thanks for the idea, we've some thinking to do.
- Us

[mirrorbrothers.livejournal.com]

I'd also suggest having him meet your others. It's much harder to de-personify someone you know. If they have trouble taking the front, you can type and they can dictate - that has the convenient side-effect of gradually reducing the fronting difficulty anyway. Or at least, that's how it works for Johnny.

Rob

[tana-seonaid.livejournal.com]

When the man I was getting involved with me came out to me as multiple, he gave me a list of the Guys and their personality characteristics. He also gave me some history to help me understand what it was like to be multiple.

I had a chance to meet some of the Others during a visit (we were also long distance) and it took me a while to get used to the fact that there were other people who shared the face of the man I was falling in love with, and I was not in love with them, nor they with me. (With one exception.)

I would be as open and patient as possible, and give him time to get used to it. Giving him the address of this group, or websites of other multiple communities, might help as well, since it's hard for those of us who are singlets to get used to the idea that a person can be multiple and not ill.