Crossposted from IN TREATMENT and FRAGMENTEDMINDS

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

I'm loosing it, or my roommate/bf is, or we both are and we just make each other worse? And we need each other and love each other wildly and all that too, but that's not the point here. This isn't about romance, nor codependency, it's symptoms. Symptoms suck.

He, I think, is running a bit manic. His insurance sort of starts in May - except meds, which will start later. And my thinking he's running manic isn't just so random as he's def. bipolar and acknowledges that his meds are not quite up to the task, he's been subsisting on samples.

Fucking "health care system" triple oxymoron!

I, I am definitely withdrawing, dissociating and snappish. Nor can I *follow* him when he gets like this. And I HATE it when I can't follow what's going on. Confusion panics me, and I'm not very nice when I'm panicking.

I've got TONS of things I need to be be doing. Not the just the standard 'should' like laundry or exercise, but big NEED TOs - legal stuff my lawyer wants yesterday or before - and I get nauseous or sudden almost narcolepsy sleepy or just space out to nowhere dissociated when I try to go work on it - last time I tried I spent the next hour and a half coloring!

I've talked to my shrink and my therapist about inpatient. It's not that they don't think it would help me - esp if they could manage the B4 unit at S.P. here in Balt. But - Insurance won't want to let me in unless I start talking about suicide or severe self harm. I know that lying to insurance is an american way of life, but I'm spooked by it, what if I believe myself?

And even then, then it could be any unit, anywhere in the area. And if they just want to babysit me till I'm 'better' - why then I'll be 'better' - I spent years being 'fine' - how much harder can 'better' be. I don't need babysitters, I need help that knows dissociation, that knows multiplicity can be a coping skill, and not always a disorder.

I don't think there are many places where I can go and not end up having to run a seminar for staff if I make statements about ONE of me dissociating, and how to help _her_ stay present because "that me" has the best skills for the situation. And I'm in no fucking place to run seminars.

Not that I know enough to run the seminar anyhow. I just know enough to know when they need one. I think B4 has what I need. If it's a pot of fools gold I don't know what I'll do at the end of this rainbow.

Comments

[kasiya-system.livejournal.com]

my first impression is that it doesn't "sound" like you need to be hospitalized... but, of course, I'm not going to suggest you don't go if you feel you really need to go..

we spent some time in a hospital for basically this body having a break down due to stress.. the "mental ward" isn't too much fun, especially if they feel you are there because you want to harm yourself.. I had someone sitting in the doorway of our room while we slept.. luckily we were only in there for 5 days and we realized that with the way the others around me were behaving, I definitely did not feel I was as bad as they were and did not want to stay there..

I wouldn't suggest "lying" and saying you are thinking of suicide unless you really are. Because once you get in there, they will focus on your suicidal thoughts instead of what you really want them to focus on. Then again, you do what you feel you have to, it could be the only way to get the help you're looking for.

If you don't feel like preaching out a seminar, it might help if you type out everything that you want to tell them and print a bunch of copies. That way you can give them the printout, or you could use it as your own checklist to read to them yourself. I know it can be difficult to remember everything you want to say once you're actually talking with them. I hope things turn out okay for you.

-Kasia & Jenilee

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

I didn't like inpatient very much the one time I did it, but it served purposes.....

and I am thinking of suicide, what I'm not doing is intending or planning suicide. It's intrusive ideation, and pardon the expression, it's driving me nuts.

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

I've talked to my shrink and my therapist about inpatient. It's not that they don't think it would help me - esp if they could manage the B4 unit at S.P. here in Balt. But - Insurance won't want to let me in unless I start talking about suicide or severe self harm. I know that lying to insurance is an american way of life, but I'm spooked by it, what if I believe myself?

Do you mean inpatient treatment as in hospitalization? That may not be as helpful as you think it is. We have heard lots of hospital horror stories from multiples, but very few good ones. Most hospitals these days don't even believe in multiplicity and will be more likely to diagnose you as psychotic, and give you medications to 'make the voices stop' (i.e. destroy the communication system). It's true that some plurals are helped by medication, but medication is often done rather indiscriminately in hospitals, most of which are understaffed, underfunded and find it easier to drug patients into submission.

What do you want to go into the hospital for? Is it because your boyfriend's symptoms are stressing you out? Maybe there's another place you can go to be away from him while he's in this phase. But don't go into the hospital because you feel stressed out-- from the stories I've heard, hospitals nowadays aren't likely to help.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

Random hospitals I fear. Admisson thu an E.R. I fear. Misdiagnois (and subsquetent mis-medication) for psychosis and bipolar I fear. (And almost did get mis-diagnosised as psychotic due to a typo when my records were forwarded, but that's another story and the receiving doc realized something was wrong, with the records, and not with me!)

My bf's symptoms are part of it, but only part. Which is good, becasue I really can't think of anyplace to go that wouldn't be just as stressfull if only by reason of having to explain why I needed to impose on them.

I'm lucky, my local hospitals include Sheppard Pratt and Johns Hopkins - and while the later tends to think there are a hell of a lot more bipolars than multiples in the world, it does admit we exist - and Sheppard, well they have a speciality inpatient wing for trauma and dissociation and an intensive outpatient program to boot. I've done the day program. It helped. But it also assumed background from the inpatient program. They don't assume intergration equals cure.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

I don't recommend lying to either your insurance company or your docs about your mental state in order to make it seem worse than it is. Although it has an initial advantage of achieving your goal of inpatient care, it can have unexpected repercussions as to your later treatment.

Exactly what help do you feel inpatient care will provide? Is there any other, cheaper way to get the same or similar benefit?

Have you considered asking your lawyer to sit down in front of you to help you get whatever it is he wants done?

--Me

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

I'm not lying to my docs. But I won't question them too hard about how they present things to the insurance companies either. Having an active suicide plan is not the only way of needing help. I once found myself impulsively / compulsively self injuring with no plan or intent. So when I get numb it scares me.

My lawyer has been asking me to do things she wouldn't be able to help with. Like go thu family pictures to find ones that would serve certain purposes in court.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Are you by any chance attempting to bring action against your family for abuse suffered in the past?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

No, this is for visitation. I'm a non custodial parent and my X is trying to claim that I never acted in a parental role before, so why now sort of thing..... its bullshit, but she has homophobia on her side.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. Family law is batshit insane. It's a complete farce, made up as they go along. All will depend upon the whims of the judge. Extreme claims on both sides are not unusual; think of it as a very, very bad play. (Your attorney has probably told you a bit about this.) So you may do well in court, and you may not. It's always wise to present an exemplary appearance.

This is not legal advice, just my opinion: I doubt that hospitalisation will count in your favour with the judge in this matter. If it were myself I'd cooperate with the attorney, go ahead and sort the damned pictures. You could have someone with you whilst you do it, to keep you on track and prevent your defenses (sudden drowsiness, &c.) from overwhelming you. Of course that's only based upon what you've revealed here.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_talshiar_/]

Supposedly X won't have access to my medical records. Still, this scares me. It's bad enough that she knows about the one self harm incident / hospital stay dating back to when I left her.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

It's a hell of a situation, I know. The problem with family law is that you can't count either on the medical records being allowed in or on their exclusion.

Your attorney will no doubt be in touch with hers, and keep you apprised of what is going on.

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

I'm not lying to my docs. But I won't question them too hard about how they present things to the insurance companies either.

Oh, I misunderstood then. In either case, however, be careful with that. You don't want a chart review saying you have a history of something, when they're looking to refute a causal relationship in either a workers comp, or auto accident claim. ;)

Like go thu family pictures to find ones that would serve certain purposes in court.

Is there anyone you can just sit down, and sort through the pictures with? If you're having trouble with momentum, peer pressure helps. *grinz*

--Me