multiplicity_archives | Crossposted from IN TREATMENT and FRAGMENTEDMINDS (Reply)

I'm loosing it, or my roommate/bf is, or we both are and we just make each other worse? And we need each other and love each other wildly and all that too, but that's not the point here. This isn't about romance, nor codependency, it's symptoms. Symptoms suck.

He, I think, is running a bit manic. His insurance sort of starts in May - except meds, which will start later. And my thinking he's running manic isn't just so random as he's def. bipolar and acknowledges that his meds are not quite up to the task, he's been subsisting on samples.

Fucking "health care system" triple oxymoron!

I, I am definitely withdrawing, dissociating and snappish. Nor can I *follow* him when he gets like this. And I HATE it when I can't follow what's going on. Confusion panics me, and I'm not very nice when I'm panicking.

I've got TONS of things I need to be be doing. Not the just the standard 'should' like laundry or exercise, but big NEED TOs - legal stuff my lawyer wants yesterday or before - and I get nauseous or sudden almost narcolepsy sleepy or just space out to nowhere dissociated when I try to go work on it - last time I tried I spent the next hour and a half coloring!

I've talked to my shrink and my therapist about inpatient. It's not that they don't think it would help me - esp if they could manage the B4 unit at S.P. here in Balt. But - Insurance won't want to let me in unless I start talking about suicide or severe self harm. I know that lying to insurance is an american way of life, but I'm spooked by it, what if I believe myself?

And even then, then it could be any unit, anywhere in the area. And if they just want to babysit me till I'm 'better' - why then I'll be 'better' - I spent years being 'fine' - how much harder can 'better' be. I don't need babysitters, I need help that knows dissociation, that knows multiplicity can be a coping skill, and not always a disorder.

I don't think there are many places where I can go and not end up having to run a seminar for staff if I make statements about ONE of me dissociating, and how to help _her_ stay present because "that me" has the best skills for the situation. And I'm in no fucking place to run seminars.

Not that I know enough to run the seminar anyhow. I just know enough to know when they need one. I think B4 has what I need. If it's a pot of fools gold I don't know what I'll do at the end of this rainbow.