(no subject)

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Hi, I just joined. I have about 10 or more people right now. I guess my system's name is Enigma or sometimes Ambhuruham. Our other collective livejournal is called ambhuruham. It's friends only because it has really weird and triggering stuff in it. This is my (Kat's) livejournal. I'm almost always in front. Especially since we have to go to school and such. Umm... I'm not diagnosed with DID and I don't think I have it. I mean, it's hard to explain... but it's different, I think. (More about that in a bit.) The other people in here are becoming more and more articulate and defined, so I decided I needed some support. So hi.. :)


Umm... there's someone in here named Yuri. She really hates me. She yells at me a lot and cuts me and makes me throw up and do things I don't want to do. I was just wondering... how do I make her go away? I mean... I kind of don't want her to leave because I know I won't be okay without her. But how can I make myself okay without her and make her leave? It's really scary sometimes... I don't know...

She wrote this:
"I hate you Kat. I hate everything about you. I even hate myself because I am part of you. You shouldn't even be here. You're the opposite of what's right. You... you mess everything up. Nothing's good anymore because you make it bad. You know what you do is wrong, but you're too weak to change it. You should get nothing you want and everything you don't. I'm glad that everything happened. I'm SO FUCKING GLAD. Because it makes me happy to see you hurt. And it makes me happy that you will always be hurt. Because you deserve it. You're bad. I'm not going to let you have friends. I'm not going to let you be happy. I'm not going to let you have anything until you are perfect. You are so fucking LUCKY that you have me... because I am your only chance. Without me, you are lost. Without me, you couldn't survive."

This is a list of the people I know of that are in here:
Yuri- She scares me sometimes. She doesn't like me.
Kat- Me. I don't know what to say about myself... heh...
Kiki- She's very silly sometimes.
Lilly- She is nice and patient knows a lot.
Rika- She protects and stops conflicts. Very emotionally stable.
Miasti- She is a shapeshifter. She likes being a wolf the most.
Kamala- She's very calm and smart kind of like Lilly. They talk a lot.
Kira- She is older and is a beautiful personality. She protects too.
Mark- He's a good friend. I talk to him a lot.
JHY/Jay- He can be offensive sometimes, but he's pretty funny.
Little girl with no name yet- She's very quiet and gets scared easily. She's little.

We used to have someone named Jackie. She was very nice. But she died. I don't know why though. :( RIP...

For us, it's kind of like the disassociative barriers are very weak. They are getting stronger though. It's like, I can see memories when someone else has been in front, but it wasn't me there. I can hear the other people's thoughts, but I can't always understand them and I don't always agree with them. When we communicate to each other, we can send each other emotions and thoughts and make each other understand exactly how we feel. Most of the time, if someone other than me wants to write or speak or do something, I only let them do it through me, if that makes sense? Sometimes Yuri fronts though.

There's a bunch of blocked off stuff inside here. Sometimes we have very fuzzy memories about being raped and abused and stuff. The rape memories might be false though, because there's no evidence that something like that ever happened. I get really scared and I'm very paranoid. I don't let anyone touch our body at all. I'm always afraid that people want to hurt us.


That's all about us for now. If anyone wants to talk, my AIM sns are ParadoxRegina and VirtualWolf.

Love,
KittyKat

X-Posted to alter_paradox

Comments

[karma-silenced.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

I don't think any of us ever have the idea that we're not real because we don't fit exactly in the DID mold. I mean, I don't know if I have DID or not... but if I don't, that doesn't make us any less real. I think Yuri is just mad at me because she really does hate me and resent me. She doesn't like our body because it's fat, she is mad because I don't stand up for myself when people "abuse" me, etc. She's like a mom who desperately wants her child to be perfect and the best, and gets frustrated because it's really a horrible kid. :/ She points out everything wrong that I do. But that's good because I can fix it.

I'll try not to push memories... but it's hard because I really want to know if something happened.

-Kat

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

If your people are people, you do not have DID. According to the ISSD, clients with DID merely believe they have many selves and must be educated back into thinking of themselves as one person. Quoting from the ISSD Adult Treatment Guidelines, http://www.issd.org/indexpage/isdguide.htm:

"The DID patient is a single person who experiences himself/herself as having separate parts of the mind that function with some autonomy. The patient is not a collection of separate people sharing the same body. The terms personality and alter (short for alternate personality) refer to dissociated parts of the mind that alternately influence behavior in DID patients. Some clinicians prefer terms such as disaggregate self state, part of the mind, or part of the self."

If this does not fit you, you do not have DID.

Yuri's hypercritical nagging is not conducive to your self-esteem. She needs to back off and cut you some slack. Your report sounds as if you think she is criticizing you for your own good. This is a sign of having been abused emotionally, and if you don't think emotional abuse is "that bad", think again. If she wants you to stand up for yourself when others abuse you, you might begin by standing up to her.

Most survivors of childhood trauma, abuse, etc. report being unable to forget. Being unable to remember, a la the Wilburian MPD setup, is real, but less common. So chances are that if you do not remember "something happening" it's because it didn't. It does sound as if you were emotionally abused, however, or Yuri would not be able to get away with her constant criticism; you'd call her on it.

[shatterstorm.livejournal.com]

report being unable to forget.

It can get complicated. Our main front did her damndest to forget. The signs were obvious. Hyperalertness, serious sex and trust issues, unreasoning terror at certain objects and situations, flashbacks that a week later were barely remembered... The trauma signs were there.

The rest of us remembered just fine. We were told in a very convincing manner that the lives of the people we cared about were dependent on us appearing to be perfectly fine and normal. When we all finally decided to work on healing this, the flashbacks and such were continual and pretty rotten. The way our life was arranged, we didn't have the resources to handle that until recently.