so, mostly to distract me from the Templar in our midst...

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

(Here's the thing. I don't have a problem with Christians, per se. I have a problem with 'the only truth is God' types. I have a problem with 'by the blood of the Lamb shall ye be saved' idiots. ANYONE who doesn't admit that religion is a choice, not the Truth of Truths...well, they bug me.)


Some of you know my story, and I've been talking about things a bit in recent posts. But there are some new things going on, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with, accept, and understand them.

My basic backstory: I'm not co-conscious. My system worked more or less independently of each other, or at least did from my perspective. Until I got married, and had someone with me 24/7 who saw the changes I went through, I didn't believe I was multiple. There are some journal entries from high school where I discuss 'splinter' personalities--what I thought of at the time as 'alternate personas', kind of like gaming characters. I didn't take much of it seriously, though, and certainly discounted the thought I might be multiple.

Then, marriage. And revelation. Only...somewhere along those first early years, I managed to integrate at least some of the personalities. So much so that catdancer, my partner, thought I was one person again, individual.

Well, she seriously sat me down and we started discussing things again when I was...it would have been 2001, so I would have been 34. And ever since then, I've been trying to figure out where my place is in the system, if I have one anymore, if I can 'wake' the others up...if my perception of them 'sleeping' is even accurate...It's been hard, mostly fruitless, work, and especially since it's done without therapy of any kind, because I can't afford it...

Two months ago, I had the unnerving--to me--experience of someone else looking out through my eyes. I felt, very clearly, that I wasn't alone. I spoke about it here, got some advice, didn't turn out to be helpful, and whomever it was 'sank back down', is the best I can describe it. And I've been 'alone', I think, since then.

Save that my girl and I had another talk last night. She's been noticing different behaviors in me. She says it's always been a little hard to talk to me about these things because everyone she talks with answers to my given name, and only gives their name, if they've ever given her one, after several sessions of appearing to her. Plus, suddenly my memories and her memories aren't jibing. And what's worse, my memories and what I tell her are different.

Let me give you a case in point. Usually she goes to bed about two hours before I do. Right now we have one computer, we both want to get online, plus there are people I talk with on occasion who are up late, so I generally take the midnight-to-two shift, and go to bed after that. She goes to bed between eleven and midnight.

So one night I sign off at two, stretch, turn off lights, and go to bed. I remember vaguely her alarm waking me up, and turning back over and going to sleep. That's all I remember.

What she remembers: I came in pretty late, she thinks, and when she got up I complained about being woken up. She asked me how late I went to bed, and I groaned that I'd been up until five working on one of my webpages. Later that day, she came in and I was still in bed, and she teased me about being in bed in the afternoon, and then said, oh, right, you were up until dawn working on your pages.

No, I said, I wasn't...what?

You told me, she said. You said you were up all night.

And it was my turn to just stare at her, because what I remembered, what she told me...they don't go together.

She tells me I shouldn't be surprised that the fracture points are showing, because I've been trying to get something to happen. I guess I was naive in this, I thought I'd get to interact with other people at some point, and not just...get crazier, does that make sense?

So. Anyone have any insights? I'm listening.

Comments

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

I can't remember the name, because it was a group of numbers and a group of letters, sorry, but someone mentioned in this thread about a memory pool? Is it possible for several people to access such a place at the same time and not know it? Because, in talking last night about what was going on, something came up about how I was coping with a certain issue, and I mentioned that what had started that issue was dealing with something in high school, and my partner started shaking her head.

"Man," she said, "If you haven't dealt with that yet, you're not going to. EVER. It's been twenty years!"

And yet I clearly remember telling her that we'd resolved a lot of high school issues, that we were working on getting closer to the present day in terms of how fast I coped with things. So...?

(See? Even that's unnerving. It's not a conscious decision to type 'I' or 'we', it just comes out at given times and I type it in and sometimes go on to the next paragraph before I catch it. Yep, starting to be severely freaked out.)

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

There is the possibility that you are the result of a sort of voluntary merging which you're not aware of, and that you yourself are a "pool" consisting of some others, and that you are beginning to separate into individual people again.

Which would make sense, from one perspective--and explain some of my partner's insistence that I'm not just a social mask to hide everyone else. :)

No, we take everything under advisement, without slavish belief--because, first, none of this is confirmed, I haven't been in therapy. It's all empirical. Personally, I think my partner's right, I think I'm right. But I don't have that official seal of DID yet. :)

Everything's very much up in the air. I'll probably have more of these 'okay, angsting again' posts, as I go on. Remember, when I joined this comm, I think I'd only said out loud that I was a multiple twice. Really.

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Eh, I don't so much want the Therapeutic Stamp of Approval, as much as I want the Therapeutic Stamp of What the Hell Is Going On. :)

And I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm used to living in the whitewater shoals, so since my environment's rarely calm, it wouldn't surprise me if I am or not.

All revelation hurts, I guess is the point. But it can be beneficial, as well. Thanks.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

That was us (and yes, we're just now seeing this -- we were on the road during most of the time this discussion was under way).

The common knowledge pool is where things like skills and knowledge from the earth world are stored for the use of anyone in the system, especially if they come up front. That way, no matter who is fronting, they can speak English (well, after a fashion -- that one often doesn't seem to work very well), cook, type, drive, operate the CD player and do all the other things that need to be done. Also gives the appearance of a seamless, cohesive whole and "one person" to the singlet-dominated world.

Can people access it without knowing it? I'm sure it's possible. The reason we know about it is we've made a conscious effort to look at aspects of our operating system and try to describe them to others.

Your partner is not necessarily correct that if you haven't dealt with something in 20 years it means you never will. This is a misconception about the way the mind works. Also, high school is an extremely formative experience -- what happens to you in high school in some ways determines the whole course of the rest of your life. It can take ages to resolve things that happened in high school, and some people never do.

[kiya]

I'm not sure I can be helpful to you, since we're pretty extensively co-conscious.

Do you think there's a way that you could communicate with the rest of your system that you'd like, say, folks to leave you notes about what's been going on when they've been up front? (I know of some systems who use private LJ messages for this sort of thing.)

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Problem is, as far as I know I'm the only one who uses the computer; if anyone else is they're not telling me and I'm not getting messages from anyone else that I recognize.

And I've tried the physical note thing. I'll try again, but I just don't know. I can't force communication, so I don't know what else to do.

You can't force it

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

But you can foster it. Offer up a survey on the next tub of ice-cream you buy. That should get some people coming out of the woodwork. *laughs*

Haha-only serious. Show them how it can be to their advantage to be open with you.

--Me

Re: You can't force it

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Well, I talk to myself all the time. If nothing's happened so far...

I don't want it to seem like I've given up. I've got a blank composition book I can abscond with and clear off a space next to the bedside for. I can start writing little notes on the day. I can pick up some sticky notes and leave them by the bed, too. And I'm not unwilling to do this...I just wonder if it's going to do any good.

I hate waiting. :) Is the thing. And I should be more patient.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

We have a collective memory pool accessible to anyone who takes the front and have never had blackouts in our life, but have apparently at times taken full earthworld action while the body was asleep.

Case #1: looked like simple sleepwalking, visited the little boys' room, put up a roll of toilet paper, and returned to bed, passing right by our birth mother without answering her when she spoke to us, as if she were not there. We are betting this was jason, but he has no recollection of it. None of us do. It is not in the pool.

Case #2: Staying at a friend's house, the friend's dog barfs all over the bed and floor of her room, she comes into our room because the clean sheets and towels are in a closet there. Someone apparently woke up, asked her if everything was okay, what happened, did she find what she was looking for, did she need any help, etc. The only memory we have of this is of the friend running down the hall, and us thinking it was morning and they were going to the kitchen to make coffee for their partner. We are betting this was me or John Shao, but neither of us have any memory of the conversation or even the friend coming in. (The friend would have told us if it were Andy or Gabriel, since they have very strong accents and instantly recognisable voices.)

Case #3: Some years ago, I answered the phone while sound asleep and took almost an entire business call while remaining asleep. I remember exactly what I said, and I remember waking up in the middle of it and thinking "OMG ...." Everything I said had been polite and appropriate, just me and the client working out a change he wanted made. It was not another person though. It was just plain old me.

I agree with the suggestion about leaving notes. I know that's been brought up before for you guys. There's got to be some way to make that work.

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to make it work differently. I can start leaving a notepad by my bed again, but nothing happened the first time. I left notes on the computer, notes by the bed, and beyond that I can't play much with leaving notes about because I have roommates and thank you very, I get teased enough for my 'memory problems'.

It's frustrating--not blaming, just being irked--that I take the suggestions given here and run with them and nothing happens. I don't know what else to do. Wait for therapy, maybe, see if the state will cover anything, but...beyond that, I just don't know. Chances of finding a multiple-sympathetic doctor working on the state aid level? Even I know that's slim.

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

It's a good idea. Of course, I don't dream unless I take melatonin.

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

i have some ideas for you but i do not know if they will/would be useful. *sighs* one is meditation or just relaxing your body/mind totally before sleep, & seeing if perhaps yuo can hear others inside talking or see them.

i wouldn't mind discussing this r/t w/you on a chat (be it irc, AIM or icq). If you're amenable, i'll be glad to do so in any sort of forum.

If that is agreeable, just leave a post here & i'll give you an acct name or irc place or whatever where we can talk pvtly.

{J}tatiana

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm kind of particular about IRC--I only get on Dalnet for the most part, and generally only one channel there, because most other open channels make me want to stab myself in the eyes. I generally get on between midnight and two, of an evening, which is another problem. I don't have AIM, I have YIM, and I don't have ICQ.

Not trying to be difficult, it's just I'm in a semi-technological rut. :)

[whispersong.livejournal.com]

i'm on MST an always up very late.

As for rooms, i can't get on dalnet ever. i'm on bondage.com, where we have a pvt room or three that we own. Tis up to you what you wish to do. irc would be the only forum available to you & i then, if you wish to do so. if not i understand.

{J}tatiana

[nematoddity.livejournal.com]

Bondage.com has its own IRC feed? Interesting...Never been there, so it'll be new territory if/when I go--not saying I'm not interested, just that I've never been there, so am 90% most likely going to forget I wanted to. :) Memory problems suck...

[whisperedones.livejournal.com]

I wish I could offer anything, but We ARE co-conscious, though... sometimes a few of Our group can choose to black the rest of Us out (generally when something highly traumatic or sad is happening) or We can willingly NOT pay attention to what's going on... however, We once worked with an EXCELLENT person who helped Us a lot with knowing each other, by starting with a written journal, or post it notes. Our 'host' (so to speak) was NOT co-conscious, or she forced herself to ignore it for a long time (I'd say about 15 years) but one of the ways We started to bring Ourselves to her attention is by journalling and notes. maybe give it a try? Can't hurt, right?

-Fihel