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multiplicity_archives(Here's the thing. I don't have a problem with Christians, per se. I have a problem with 'the only truth is God' types. I have a problem with 'by the blood of the Lamb shall ye be saved' idiots. ANYONE who doesn't admit that religion is a choice, not the Truth of Truths...well, they bug me.)
Some of you know my story, and I've been talking about things a bit in recent posts. But there are some new things going on, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with, accept, and understand them.
My basic backstory: I'm not co-conscious. My system worked more or less independently of each other, or at least did from my perspective. Until I got married, and had someone with me 24/7 who saw the changes I went through, I didn't believe I was multiple. There are some journal entries from high school where I discuss 'splinter' personalities--what I thought of at the time as 'alternate personas', kind of like gaming characters. I didn't take much of it seriously, though, and certainly discounted the thought I might be multiple.
Then, marriage. And revelation. Only...somewhere along those first early years, I managed to integrate at least some of the personalities. So much so that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
catdancer, my partner, thought I was one person again, individual.
Well, she seriously sat me down and we started discussing things again when I was...it would have been 2001, so I would have been 34. And ever since then, I've been trying to figure out where my place is in the system, if I have one anymore, if I can 'wake' the others up...if my perception of them 'sleeping' is even accurate...It's been hard, mostly fruitless, work, and especially since it's done without therapy of any kind, because I can't afford it...
Two months ago, I had the unnerving--to me--experience of someone else looking out through my eyes. I felt, very clearly, that I wasn't alone. I spoke about it here, got some advice, didn't turn out to be helpful, and whomever it was 'sank back down', is the best I can describe it. And I've been 'alone', I think, since then.
Save that my girl and I had another talk last night. She's been noticing different behaviors in me. She says it's always been a little hard to talk to me about these things because everyone she talks with answers to my given name, and only gives their name, if they've ever given her one, after several sessions of appearing to her. Plus, suddenly my memories and her memories aren't jibing. And what's worse, my memories and what I tell her are different.
Let me give you a case in point. Usually she goes to bed about two hours before I do. Right now we have one computer, we both want to get online, plus there are people I talk with on occasion who are up late, so I generally take the midnight-to-two shift, and go to bed after that. She goes to bed between eleven and midnight.
So one night I sign off at two, stretch, turn off lights, and go to bed. I remember vaguely her alarm waking me up, and turning back over and going to sleep. That's all I remember.
What she remembers: I came in pretty late, she thinks, and when she got up I complained about being woken up. She asked me how late I went to bed, and I groaned that I'd been up until five working on one of my webpages. Later that day, she came in and I was still in bed, and she teased me about being in bed in the afternoon, and then said, oh, right, you were up until dawn working on your pages.
No, I said, I wasn't...what?
You told me, she said. You said you were up all night.
And it was my turn to just stare at her, because what I remembered, what she told me...they don't go together.
She tells me I shouldn't be surprised that the fracture points are showing, because I've been trying to get something to happen. I guess I was naive in this, I thought I'd get to interact with other people at some point, and not just...get crazier, does that make sense?
So. Anyone have any insights? I'm listening.
Some of you know my story, and I've been talking about things a bit in recent posts. But there are some new things going on, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with, accept, and understand them.
My basic backstory: I'm not co-conscious. My system worked more or less independently of each other, or at least did from my perspective. Until I got married, and had someone with me 24/7 who saw the changes I went through, I didn't believe I was multiple. There are some journal entries from high school where I discuss 'splinter' personalities--what I thought of at the time as 'alternate personas', kind of like gaming characters. I didn't take much of it seriously, though, and certainly discounted the thought I might be multiple.
Then, marriage. And revelation. Only...somewhere along those first early years, I managed to integrate at least some of the personalities. So much so that
catdancer, my partner, thought I was one person again, individual.Well, she seriously sat me down and we started discussing things again when I was...it would have been 2001, so I would have been 34. And ever since then, I've been trying to figure out where my place is in the system, if I have one anymore, if I can 'wake' the others up...if my perception of them 'sleeping' is even accurate...It's been hard, mostly fruitless, work, and especially since it's done without therapy of any kind, because I can't afford it...
Two months ago, I had the unnerving--to me--experience of someone else looking out through my eyes. I felt, very clearly, that I wasn't alone. I spoke about it here, got some advice, didn't turn out to be helpful, and whomever it was 'sank back down', is the best I can describe it. And I've been 'alone', I think, since then.
Save that my girl and I had another talk last night. She's been noticing different behaviors in me. She says it's always been a little hard to talk to me about these things because everyone she talks with answers to my given name, and only gives their name, if they've ever given her one, after several sessions of appearing to her. Plus, suddenly my memories and her memories aren't jibing. And what's worse, my memories and what I tell her are different.
Let me give you a case in point. Usually she goes to bed about two hours before I do. Right now we have one computer, we both want to get online, plus there are people I talk with on occasion who are up late, so I generally take the midnight-to-two shift, and go to bed after that. She goes to bed between eleven and midnight.
So one night I sign off at two, stretch, turn off lights, and go to bed. I remember vaguely her alarm waking me up, and turning back over and going to sleep. That's all I remember.
What she remembers: I came in pretty late, she thinks, and when she got up I complained about being woken up. She asked me how late I went to bed, and I groaned that I'd been up until five working on one of my webpages. Later that day, she came in and I was still in bed, and she teased me about being in bed in the afternoon, and then said, oh, right, you were up until dawn working on your pages.
No, I said, I wasn't...what?
You told me, she said. You said you were up all night.
And it was my turn to just stare at her, because what I remembered, what she told me...they don't go together.
She tells me I shouldn't be surprised that the fracture points are showing, because I've been trying to get something to happen. I guess I was naive in this, I thought I'd get to interact with other people at some point, and not just...get crazier, does that make sense?
So. Anyone have any insights? I'm listening.
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