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[rusted-love.livejournal.com]

hi, i posted here once a couple of months ago, basically questioning my diagnosis of DID or something, i can't really remember. anyway, i still don't know where we stand as far as that (yet i say "we"); i'm still trying to figure it all out. but for the moment, let us assume i'm multiple. my concern right now is that, while i feel that there are others, no one ever fully comes out on their own, it's always co-conscious, and i'm always still here. i really want someone to come out on their own, without me having any control, because this would definitely prove my multiplicity to myself and make things easier. like, my mom will want to talk to them, and they'll sit there and tell me things to tell her. but since the actual words are coming from me, it leaves room for me to question whether it was all my idea and words to begin with. i also don't like being able to censor or change the words that come out, because i want to get their point across, but sometimes i'm not comfortable saying what they tell me to say. i always thought that co-consciousness would come with practice and experience, and i'm so very new at all of this and have no control over it and hardly any communication. is it normal to *only* have co-consciousness, and can this change?

i want them to come out and express themselves, *be* themselves, but no one will. they're always in the background, and i'm never sure if they're there or if it's just me. i bought some toys for corey to play with (my 4 or 6 year old, i can't tell), and he really wants to play with them, but he wont come out and do it himself, and i just feel stupid playing on the floor with army figures and feel like he's not getting the fun out of it he would if he were in control. someone says maybe i'm too afraid to let them out, and that i'm the one in control of them coming. but i really *want* them to come out sooo bad, so i don't know if that's the case. do you think they're the ones in control and just don't want to come out, for whatever reasons? if this is the case, i think they need to realize that it would help out so much and progress would be made if SOMEONE, ANYONE would come out completely, without me here at all.

i don't know where this whole post was going, i always lose track when i'm typing something like this.

another question that just popped into my head... is it possible that others could be fronting sometimes and i just don't know it? the reason why i think i'm always the one fronting is because i never experience lost time or anything like that, and if someone else were fronting instead of me, wouldn't i not remember that days events and whatnot? ugh, i just confused myself so much more and i don't know what to think. it really bothers me that i never know who i am. i've tried manual journaling, but nothing much came out of that; the one entry that was by someone else, i was co-conscious while she was writing, and i ended up scratching the whole thing out because i thought it was all in my head and was absurd.

sorry this post is so scatterbrained, i wish i could be more articulate. basically, any thoughts on this (on ANYTHING) would be appreciated, whether you think it's entirely relevant or not. i'll take any information i can get... my mind is like a sponge whose thirst is never quite quenched, so no information or personal anecdotes are ever extraneous to me.

i have alot more questions on the subject of multiplicity, but i can't remember what right now... so i hope no one minds me posting again sometime soon when another question comes to mind :)

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

You can be multiple without having DID, and a lot of people are. Check out Astraea's Web (http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/) for more information and resources.

"it's always co-conscious, and i'm always still here."

Ummm... I think that's more the rule than the exception, hon. I'm "always still here" too - hey, where would I go? - we're all always here together, no matter who's got the helm. I don't always pay that much attention when one of my brothers is up, but I can if I want to; we don't shut each other out.

"the reason why i think i'm always the one fronting is because i never experience lost time or anything like that, and if someone else were fronting instead of me, wouldn't i not remember that days events and whatnot?"

Nope. That's a myth. A lot of people don't experience lost time or memory lapses.The only time I ever did was many years ago, when my one brother would get so scared and upset that I don't think he knew what he was doing either, and probably didn't remember it too clearly afterward.

"i've tried manual journaling, but nothing much came out of that; the one entry that was by someone else, i was co-conscious while she was writing, and i ended up scratching the whole thing out because i thought it was all in my head and was absurd."

That doesn't sound real encouraging to the writer, to have stuff scratched out because you saw it written. A thing to remember: it's her head too. LOL, my 'brother duathir actually described me that way on his Lj once: "she is the voice in my head". Well, actually we're the voices in each others' heads, and his twin (who rarely speaks) is the silence in both our heads.

Keeping journals is kind of a delicate balance between openness and privacy. There are a lot of times when I could say some things about duathir, especially concerning certain issues on which we disagree, but I don't, because I respect his wishes. There are certainly times he could say things about me that I wouldn't like, but he doesn't, out of respect. It's possible for us to not 'read over each others' shoulders', but it takes a deliberate effort.

"do you think they're the ones in control and just don't want to come out, for whatever reasons? if this is the case, i think they need to realize that it would help out so much and progress would be made if SOMEONE, ANYONE would come out completely, without me here at all."

Okay... WHY would it help? What progress would be made? I went and checked out your journal, by the way, and noted this entry (http://www.livejournal.com/users/rusted_love/16681.html#cutid1) - it seems pretty obvious that the person who wrote that entry isn't the same person who wrote this one (http://www.livejournal.com/users/rusted_love/18977.html?mode=reply). However, I'm getting the impression that you think someone else can just "come out and take over" to clean up the mess you've made. I hate to tell you, but it doesn't work that way. Others of your House can advise you not to do stupid, reckless, dangerous things, but they can't force you to not do them.

The other folk of your House may not be coming forward because of what you've been doing to the body. Seriously, you're asking a 4-to-6 year old to live in a body that's been drunk all the time and shooting up street drugs? You might be used to it, but the others probably aren't, and understandably may not want to subject themselves to that.

It's as perse says; if you want the others to come out, you've got to make it safe for them to do so. A toxic body isn't safe. An expectation that they fix everything for you isn't safe. And wanting them to come out in order to prove their existence to other people (your mother, your friends, your shrink, whoever) isn't safe either.

Anyway, I wish all of you the best of luck, and hope you get things worked out.

[rusted-love.livejournal.com]

man, i just spent forever typing a response, but it's too long. i'm posting it in my journal, so anyone who wishes to read it can.