(no subject)

[rusted-love.livejournal.com]

hi, i posted here once a couple of months ago, basically questioning my diagnosis of DID or something, i can't really remember. anyway, i still don't know where we stand as far as that (yet i say "we"); i'm still trying to figure it all out. but for the moment, let us assume i'm multiple. my concern right now is that, while i feel that there are others, no one ever fully comes out on their own, it's always co-conscious, and i'm always still here. i really want someone to come out on their own, without me having any control, because this would definitely prove my multiplicity to myself and make things easier. like, my mom will want to talk to them, and they'll sit there and tell me things to tell her. but since the actual words are coming from me, it leaves room for me to question whether it was all my idea and words to begin with. i also don't like being able to censor or change the words that come out, because i want to get their point across, but sometimes i'm not comfortable saying what they tell me to say. i always thought that co-consciousness would come with practice and experience, and i'm so very new at all of this and have no control over it and hardly any communication. is it normal to *only* have co-consciousness, and can this change?

i want them to come out and express themselves, *be* themselves, but no one will. they're always in the background, and i'm never sure if they're there or if it's just me. i bought some toys for corey to play with (my 4 or 6 year old, i can't tell), and he really wants to play with them, but he wont come out and do it himself, and i just feel stupid playing on the floor with army figures and feel like he's not getting the fun out of it he would if he were in control. someone says maybe i'm too afraid to let them out, and that i'm the one in control of them coming. but i really *want* them to come out sooo bad, so i don't know if that's the case. do you think they're the ones in control and just don't want to come out, for whatever reasons? if this is the case, i think they need to realize that it would help out so much and progress would be made if SOMEONE, ANYONE would come out completely, without me here at all.

i don't know where this whole post was going, i always lose track when i'm typing something like this.

another question that just popped into my head... is it possible that others could be fronting sometimes and i just don't know it? the reason why i think i'm always the one fronting is because i never experience lost time or anything like that, and if someone else were fronting instead of me, wouldn't i not remember that days events and whatnot? ugh, i just confused myself so much more and i don't know what to think. it really bothers me that i never know who i am. i've tried manual journaling, but nothing much came out of that; the one entry that was by someone else, i was co-conscious while she was writing, and i ended up scratching the whole thing out because i thought it was all in my head and was absurd.

sorry this post is so scatterbrained, i wish i could be more articulate. basically, any thoughts on this (on ANYTHING) would be appreciated, whether you think it's entirely relevant or not. i'll take any information i can get... my mind is like a sponge whose thirst is never quite quenched, so no information or personal anecdotes are ever extraneous to me.

i have alot more questions on the subject of multiplicity, but i can't remember what right now... so i hope no one minds me posting again sometime soon when another question comes to mind :)