hello

[readyalready.livejournal.com]

Hi all,

i went in to see a therapist for serious depression a few months ago. i've since been diagnosed w/ depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and god knows what else...last session she brought up dissociative identity disorder. i didn't know what it was and for some reason didn't ask, and then i looked it up...and now i'm scared. we were talking about how i dissociate often, i run away from stress, i split myself off, sometimes i act like a three yr old, sometimes i take on another identity, but while i understand i may have a dissociative disorder, i really don't think i have DID. i read that a person w/ DID believes they are more than one person and i feel more connected than that, i know what i do and while sometimes i feel like i can't control it, i still realize i'm one person. now i know why she was asking me "does she have a name?" or "does she have another age?" etc. i am confused and scared. i do not think i have amnesia, so i don't fit the criteria so why is she bringing this all up if i don't fit the criteria? i have therapy again on monday so i'm going to bring it up and hopefully get some answers. this is all new to me, and i just recently joined an abuse survivors community and a ptsd community so i thought i'd check this out too. i'm just really alone right now cause at this point i dont feel comfortable telling anyone about this mpd stuff and all of this hit at a such a bad time (i ran into my abuser a few months ago..the first time i'd seen him since childhood..which has spiraled me into this hell). i know i've needed therapy forever, but i didn't realize how much would come out and i'm feeling like i now need to be in therapy a lot longer than i wanted to be. i want to heal and get on with my life. i can't afford (literally) to stay in this state much longer. i just sorta feel like having all these labels of different mental illnesses is freaking me out more than anything. i just thought i was depressed.

take care everyone and i'm looking forward to learning more about this.

Comments

[iamshadow.livejournal.com]

sounds to me like she's 'pushing' to diagnose you with something. Get another therapist.

For what multiplicity is more about, go here.
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/

[readyalready.livejournal.com]

I really like my therapist so I don't think I want to switch right now. I've tried therapy twice in the past (both attempts about a year apart) and each time only made it to the initial appt. and then never made it back. This time I've been going for a few months. Thank you very much for the link, it was interesting and definitely helped me understand it more.

In agreeance

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

iamshadow's right.
I think this person seems to really want to make you a cash cow, or is just enamoured with the idea. Whatever it is, I don't think the person has made helping you and most importantly LISTENING to you a priority. If she won't listen, she can't help you.

If you want to make a final try at getting her to hear you, let her know that you don't feel her plethora of diagnoses fit you, and that you'd appreciate her being more communicative as to what the label means before slapping it on you.

--Me

Re: In agreeance

[readyalready.livejournal.com]

I go to free counseling through my university so I wouldn't think she's trying to make money off me or anything. After doing some research about DID, I see some similarites b/w what I do, but I don't think the diagnosis fits so I'm going to discuss it w/ her next time. Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

Wow that sucks. I'm sorry it's rough.

I agree somewhat with what's been said, although a lot depends on the context of how she brought it up.

What I wanted to say is - if you were multiple, or multiple-ish, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So while questioning her labels is probably a good thing, relax a bit. Breathe. See if it fits. If it does, hey. If it doesn't, hey. It's just a word. Did you have specific questions about what it feels like/the experience is that might help with your anxiety levels that we could answer?

[readyalready.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the reassurance. I was in a very weird state last session, and it was the first time I told her how I created a person when I was 15 who could express emotions I couldn't and she said what first came to her mind was DID. I know that sometimes I act like a baby, but only when I'm by myself, or that I show this other person only to two of my close friends. I just don't think I have DID b/c I feel fully conscious of what I do, I don't think I just "switch" w/out knowing and when I do switch, I still know who I am and what I'm doing, it's just a coping mechanism I use. Sometimes I can even hear myself telling myself that I don't want to be doing something, and my body will just go ahead and do it anyway..and that is scary and confusing. I guess my question would be...when you "switch" or are in another personality state, do you realize it? Are you aware that at other times you don't act the same way and that your behavior at the time is different...or are you immersed in it and that is who you think you are completely...how would you even know if that was happening? Sorry that was a lot, I appreciate any insight you could share, thanks so much.

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I can really only share my/our experience. We experience ourselves as separate people so the analogy of being in a different personality state doesn't work so well.

Before I knew that I was multiple, sometimes I did experience something that *sounds* similar to what you're saying. I think. At the time it was just so confused.

The general phenomenon you *could* be describing is what's called co-consciousness among multiples - when you are aware of what's going on, but you aren't necessarily in the driver's seat. You can see/hear/remember, but you really really don't think that you've actually done something or decided to do it.

It feels wrong, and different from just avoiding responsibility, or deciding to be lazy, or any of the other usual human things.

In our lives moments of that came to a head a lot of times, but the time that really got *through* was that one of us, Teresa, was having dinner with two other people, and she found herself basically over the table talking to one of them to make a point, and Teresa would never *lie over* a table in a restaurant, and she really *felt* that moment of separation when it was no longer her, and as she listened to "herself" talk she realized that the person who was talking wasn't her.

This came a year after Teresa "lost control" of one of her "characters" - me - in much the same way and dealt with it badly enough that I ended up missing more than a year of my life. While I was dead/not experiencing living, she found that suddenly she couldn't do things like give presentations at work - things I would normally do. So she thought that she had been doing them, but really it was me.

Confusing? Yeah, it was. And is. :-)

Since we all sort of came out to ourselves, now I can identify specific people when that happens - sort of feel them go by me to take the front. Sometimes. Sometimes it's the more traditional "lost time" where I don't remember what happened at all.

Once we started talking to each other, it was clear really fast that yes, it's the most fitting explanation that we are a we.

In my own personal case it was pretty extreme, though - one minute it was 1998, and then I have a few flashes of memory that are like I was underwater, and then it was 2000 and I was reading a letter that said "Dear Shandra, guess what, we're the people in your head, we dumped your love, we have a new job" kind of thing.

If you *are* multiple, I think I'm glad for you if you find out from a therapist rather than that. *grin*

I hope this helps. :) But again - there really is no rush.

Shandra

[readyalready.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much Shandra.

I could relate to parts of what you said. I'm just not sure what is going on. I can't tell if I'm in denial or if I'm looking into this too much. I know something is not right, I know I even caught myself saying "we" once and once I bought baby food and then came home asking myself why I just did that. I just want to attribute it to depression and confusion, I hate feeling out of control or detached from myself and I'm scared. This year has been so difficult for me since I made the decision to start therapy and heal from my past. It just got a lot more crazy than I ever could have imagined. I lost a lot in the process, financially, academically, work, relationships...myself. I've decided to take a little break from therapy and my life for a while and figure this out in a different setting. When I come back I'd like to post again to share what I have learned about myself. Thanks again for sharing your experience, it means a lot to me to know that I am not alone in this and that there are people who will understand.

Take care,
Ilana

[shandra.livejournal.com]

I'll keep an eye out - I hope it goes well for you. Probably you don't need any advice, but I'm like that so I'll give some anyway - just remember that finding out what really is - hard shit in your past, a tendency to depersonalize, whatever - is pretty much always empowering in the long run.

In the short run it looks like a disaster though. Hang in there. :)

Shandra