[identity profile] hiddenhikari.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] multiplicity_archives
So, this is Kayla, the host, speaking right now. I just got out of my third hospitalization where a doctor told me that I 'don't follow specific characteristics of people with multiple personalities or with dissociative identity' and said that because I can communicate with my other personalities it means that its all just my imagination and that I made it up a long time ago and have pretending for so long that it's become real. He also said that because I've never been abused that there's pretty much no way I'm MPD/DID. He basically forced me to tell him that they were all just my imagination with the threat of going to a residential treatment facility. After lying through my teeth and saying that I made it all up, he put me on some serious medication because even though he thinks its just my imagination he wants to treat me for the voices anyway. So now I can't hear them at all. None of them. Even the good ones that help me. And none of them can front or anything. I can't see them any more in my head either. Its like their whole world is just...gone. I don't know what to do with myself...
Has anyone else ever had a doctor tell them this? Or ever had this happen to them?

UPDATE: I'm gonna go ahead and answer a few of the questions and things that have been brought up and offered to me real quick.
1. Thank you all so much for you help and support! It's nice to know that at least SOMEONE doesn't think I'm a liar...
2. I do not have to see that doctor ever again. He was just the doctor for the hospital I was in at the time and not my real doctor. But he is the second doctor that's told me that same story and my real doctor barely gives me the time of day...
3. I don't need to wean myself off the drugs because the doctor is weaning me off them. After I 'admitted' that I had 'lied' he said he would slowly take me off the Risperdole or something like that, I can't spell all these crazy drug names so I just sounded that out haha
4. One specific personality, Sophie, does self-harm and is the whole reason I got sent to that hospital in the first place. TRIGGER WARNING She tried to hang herself in the school bathroom and got mobile crisis called. I've seen crisis pretty much once a week for a couple months now and none of them believe me either. Anyway, while I was at the hospital but before my doctor threatened me, I politely called Sophie out on her self-harm/suicide attempts, Shell on her bingeing/purging, Samuel on his... psychotic behaviors, and Alex on her just plain bitchyness. The whole system was upset we had to go back to the hospital and the four trouble makers finally agreed not to get in the way of living my life. When I tried to tell my doctor that they had agreed not to hurt me anymore he looked me blankly in the face and said "I do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth." I was crushed. I bawled my eyes out because I just got the difficult ones to finally cooperate and now I was being told that it didn't even matter. So I'm hoping that once the doctor takes me completely off the medication they'll slowly come back. Even after one day without the medicine (because my parents haven't picked up my refill yet) I already got a little bit of communication with two of them again. Lizzy said that they didn't leave me, the medicine just made them all very tired.

I'll update again once my doctor gets me completely off the new medicine and let everyone know if our system goes back to normal. It's been really helpful to hear that so many other people know what I'm going through!

Also, it's a little strange that the doctor there knew so little about MPD/DiD considering there was a girl in the hospital with me who was actually diagnosed DiD, but she had a completely opposite kind of system than mine. She only new three or four of their names, she didn't hear them talk to her, and when she would switch no one could even tell. It seemed like she didn't switch one time all week, whereas I was switching a bunch of times a day.

Update:
So I saw my therapist yesterday (a good one, that actually believes me and stuff) and after I told him everything that happened he was like "That douchebag..." and was super apologetic about what happened to me there. Then we started talking about why everyone left the headspace. The doctor at the hospital said it was because "I finally told the truth" but I thought it was the medication. My therapist thinks everyone was just scared I was going to make them all leave and we both agreed that we wouldn't try to get rid of them, and we would focus on making sure that if I need to, I can take back control if one of them goes back on what they promised. And we agreed not to talk to my parents about any of this because my dad is super against the thought of me being a multiple, he's against me being different in any way at all...oh well though, as long as I know my therapist believes me and we're on the same page with where we want to go with this, I can see a silver lining after all! He said he might want to keep me on the medicine after all because apparently its just for stabilizing my mood, not getting rid of the voices, which just promotes his thought that the others were just scared. I've been trying to reopen communication with them, telling them that they are real and not to believe what that mean doctor said and stuff and telling them that our therapist believes in them. I've started hearing about five of them again. So far I've gotten back Jack, Lizzy, Shell, Alex, and Logan. Maybe in time the others will return too.
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting on my story and being so helpful about help getting off the medicine (which I don't need to do anymore thankfully!) and just giving me a kind word and believing me! It's really been helpful, but after that session yesterday I think things are really going to work out after all :) 

Date: 2013-03-18 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gavinfox.livejournal.com
1.) Are you being compelled to take the medicine?

2.) Have you self-injured recently?

3.) Can you go to a different doctor?

4.) Have you told him that the DSM-V is specifically changing the definition of this, for this very reason? That the multiplicity disorder only exists for people who have problems functioning, and doesn't make any judgements on the subjective experiences of people, only the issues functioning?

Date: 2013-03-19 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chequeredring.livejournal.com
This scares me in ways I can't even begin to describe...

I have fleeting moments of fearing this happening if the relationship between my other half and her boyfriend doesn't get better. I'm really worried that my other half will find a way to "get rid of me."

When I express that anxiety to my girlfriend, she (a singlet) will casually talk me out of the anxiety, since my system is the same as you've described yours.

- Not trauma based
- Fully aware of each other
- Doesn't fit the MPD/DiD spectrum
- Doesn't fit the psychosis spectrum


My girlfriend often assures me that even if my other half puts us on medication, because I am a person, it wouldn't affect me in the same manner as the medication's intended: it "doesn't work that way with people"...

But it sounds like the medication you're on does take the others away?
Does it leave you numb as well?

I honestly don't know what to tell you mate... Is the medication really something you have to take? Perhaps you could stop taking it?

Meds....

Date: 2013-03-19 04:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dodge12.livejournal.com
can block communication, for sure.

And I've heard that certain types of over the counter cough suryp, if they're misused they can actually cause integration. Which is fine if you want to integrate.

It's very very hard to know that someone else wants to get rid of you, or even might want to.

Also, meds affect different people differently, singlets as well as multis. So, no one knows for sure how a med works one hundred percent of the time, for all people.

Please feel free to friend me if you'd like, I'll listen. (I'll probably talk as well, but I'm a pretty good listener.)

Date: 2013-03-19 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gavinfox.livejournal.com
Frankly, I'm a singlet, and a lot of those medications still fuck you up. Remove (while you are on them) most of your personality and emotion and stuff... make you tired all the time... for at least some of them, you know?

Are you self-harming or depressed or full of anxiety or anything like that, which would be a cause for you to be on medication, OTHER than voices??

Date: 2013-03-19 12:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] slanderouslibel.livejournal.com
I got put on Risperidone after telling a shrink about my DID, and didn't even tell him about my alters.
TW!suicide

About three days after the full effects (not having any alters) I overdosed by taking every pill I had (90 day supply of three diff psych meds) and came the closest I've ever been to death.

/TW

Needless to say, I'm wary of meds now. Even OTC painkillers.

Doctors and meds.

Date: 2013-03-19 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dodge12.livejournal.com
We've had it happen to us.

It sounds to me like yes you're quite multiple.
It also sounds like your doctor can't stand that you're all right with it, because he can't make it better and that gets between him and his money.
But if you take meds, he makes money. So of course he gives you meds, because after all, he loves him some money.

It's terrible to be stuck out front and not communicate with anyone inside. Do you do all right off the meds, other than pissing off your doctor ? Because if you do, you might want to *very carefully and after doing enough research*, slowly wean yourself off. (Unless you're on Effexor, or some med like that. Effexor it's not a good idea to just wean off of.)

The best advice for weaning off psych meds, is not in the med-sponsored sites like...oh, I can't think of the names of any of them now. But if you can find blogs where people talk about their personal experiences, that's where the real information is. (Oh. One bad place is Web MD. Sites like that. They don't give you the facts at all.)

If this is a med that requires blood testing and you have no choice about whether or not to continue with this doctor, it could come down to starting back on the meds before each visit, and weaning off them again after. Which is dangerous to a person's health. (We've had to do this.)

God. I wish you luck.

Date: 2013-03-19 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gavinfox.livejournal.com
You can always talk to your pharmacist -- ie, the people you pick up the meds from, at the grocery store -- and ask them what the safe way to wean yourself off of these meds is, or if cold turkey is okay, or what. You want to talk to the actual capital P Pharmacist, not the pharmacy technician guy.

Date: 2013-03-19 06:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tigerweave.livejournal.com
OMFG what a fucking moron. And SO misinformed about DID/multiplicity.

Right. Well, believe me if there was any meds that could either take the 'alters' away, or magically integrate everyone, someone long ago would have put us on them. We've struggled to get co-conscious with each other, and if there was a pill that would help ie 'integrate' at least our awarenesses (I sincerely doubt it's even possible to integrate all our people inside even if we wanted to which we don't, thanks) we'd be on it, believe me!

Meds CAN make you so off the planet you're not functioning properly in your head and can't hear other people. It happens to singlets too on some meds, they just experience it as their brain being foggy or whatever.

But I think it's far more likely they've all just run away coz of the stress and the need to lie through your teeth to this doctor to ensure your overall system safety. It was probably easier for you to convince this dude to leave you alone if all the others shut up for a bit. I know for sure we'd have all run away in a situation like you describe and left our Leonie (the Academic, Sensible and Intelligent one) to deal with the stupid doctors. We've done it before, actually, just never with hospitalisation at stake, just stupid doctors trying to say we don't have PTSD, we are just 'highly sensitive'.
(No shit, that's what hypervigilance is. It's caused by PTSD Hellooo!!)

The thing that makes me so angry for you guys is that you've lost communication with the ones inside that help. God doctors are idiots, to not understand that a system has it's own balance, and DON'T THROW IT OFF-BALANCE.

I reckon if you ARE actually safe from being admitted, and no longer have to pretend you're a singlet to keep yourselves and your body safe, it might be worth kinda calling out into the silence to explain it's safe now and they can come out again.

But hey, safety first. If you still need to present as a singlet, then ... perhaps you can find someone inside to help you with strategies? Start opening up communication with at least someone you trust to help you inside so you're not dealing with it all alone, if that might help?

Good luck with it. I can't believe - well ok I can - how incredibly ignorant and stupid this doctor is about DID. It's not rocket science. I've had plenty of doctors and counsellors who DO get it, and are great about it. If they can get it right, why can't these other morons?

Date: 2013-03-19 01:40 pm (UTC)

Date: 2013-03-19 03:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chequeredring.livejournal.com
I think TW's advice is bang on.

I also think Gavin and Dodge are right concerning medication... You should look into how to handle the meds appropriately if you're going to wean off them.

Please keep us posted.

Date: 2013-03-19 08:46 am (UTC)
ext_96057: (Default)
From: [identity profile] ryntha-doghare.livejournal.com
Without knowing everything about your situation, I would probably go off those meds.

Date: 2013-03-19 03:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ksol1460.livejournal.com
In answer to your question, yes.

In the late 1990s, we knew a group that were definitely multiple. They thought they had both natural and trauma-split origins. Many of them communicated, but they wanted to improve communication with certain people, especially some who were self-harming and threatening suicide.

They checked themselves into a dissociative disorders unit in a hospital and were treated just exactly the way you describe here.

They warned staff about the self-harm and asked for bed checks by a female attendant. Instead they got a male one and he made a pass at them. Security was so sloppy, they had many opportunities to hurt themselves although they didn't.

They were put on drugs that messed up their communication. It especially kept younger people from fronting, including the ones who had the stored memories they'd wanted to explore in therapy. They could not get people to front on cue, but these doctors kept trying to make them do that.

There is a young girl in their system who kept track of who everyone was. If these doctors had had a clue they'd have known that this is a very common and even classic thing reported in literature on MPD, but instead they claimed "no real multiple has such a person so you're making it up."

They were told they just thought they were multiple because they'd been reading fantasy novels and had latched onto an internet fad. The anxiety they were feeling was supposedly because they were six months from graduation and didn't want live in the real world and get a job. This was baloney as they already had a job at the time which they loved.

It was all extremely disrespectful. It did a lot of damage to their operating system. Things improved when they got off the drugs. They were still recovering and trying to sort things out when we knew them.

We're not violating their privacy by revealing this, as they gave us permission to tell their story.

Date: 2013-03-19 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ksol1460.livejournal.com
We have very little to add to what everyone else has said. This doctor was not only incompetent but behaved unprofessionally. He had no business saying those things to you. Unfortunately there are too many like him out there, especially in stress care/ crisis management.

Date: 2013-03-20 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ubiquitousbliss.livejournal.com
lots of doctors only allow DID to present in a very narrow fashion. if it doesn't fit their fashion, then it can't possible be DID. you and that other girl can both have DID that presents in completely opposite or different ways. systems are as varied as the bodies they're in.

Update

Date: 2013-03-20 04:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dodge12.livejournal.com
I would like it very much, to hear how things turn out.

Hangin....that's a little more than self-harm, aint it ? Cause if you hang yourself, you don't just get hurt, you get dead.

I'm pissed off at that doctor, an I wasn't even there.

I'm sorry he was such an ass to you guys. Might I send you a hug ? If so here is one, but of course you don't have to take it. (((Hug))) That was for all of you, by the way.

I'm glad Sophie agreed not to keep doin that! Now she sees what it'll get her, an get all of you. Zombie meds, an maybe locked up. Nothin more.
(In some ways the world hasn't changed much since the canon I came out of.)

It sounds like she needs some attention so bad. I wish somebody'd just pay some damn attention to her. There aint nothin wrong with needin attention, people an animals need it almost as much as they need food, an sometimes more.
If a dog or a cat needs attention an doesn't get it, it means the owners are bein cruel. But if a human bein needs attention an doesn't get it, it means they're 'Borderline' for needin it in the first place. An how much sense does that make ??? Zero, that's how much.

(Sorry bout gettin on my soap box. I'll climb down now.)

Date: 2013-03-20 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kindmemory.livejournal.com
I'm rather...stunned. This is pretty medieval, and pretty shocking. Forcing you to "admit" the inner folks who are there to help you are really not there? Or take drugs, that's sick.

I was about 49 when I realized there was more sexual abuse than what I found out about when I was about 25. In the mean time things got a whole lot worse, "I" was going out and doing things that I still only have realized at age 53, and in the years since 2008, when I finally decided I absolutely was Multiple, there have been more things that my family and others did to me when I was an adult. One of them I was shocked to find out, but the facts fit and I have learned how to talk to the inner folks who were just "Hallucinations" and voices (sometimes from "God") before I was able to fit the pieces together and accept more of what the inner crew were saying.

What I'm saying is that the doctor does not really know whether your people are trauma-induced. They themselves may not be ready to remember if something did happen. There have been cases of people thinking they were naturally plural, then discovering they were not.

I hope you can get another doctor or find someone who can advocate for you.

Date: 2013-03-20 09:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kindmemory.livejournal.com
Also, sometimes apparently there are doctors who ,b>say they are MPD/DID doctors when they don't really have much experience, or only have read some books and theory. Dr. Camerons West (First Person Plural:My Life as a Multiple) had a doctor like that, who just wanted the money or whatever, and said he was qualified to treat Multiples when he really just didn't.

Date: 2013-04-02 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rhymer-713.livejournal.com
Chrissakes. Your doctor at the hospital was a douchenugget. Gods. I'm sorry. We are all sorry.

Had a therapist like that once. Put us on an antipsychotic which we were deathly bodily allergic to which resulted in a huge trip to the ER. So we never saw her again. And our mom eventually got it.

-Katnis

I believe you

Date: 2013-10-29 03:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] particlechild.livejournal.com
I come from a system who l communicate easily and freely, who were multiple since day 0, and we know we are real. I believe you and yours are real too.

PLEASE be careful what pills you let doctors stick in your mouth! One member of our system is dead after a bad run in with unnecessary "mind meds". In fact, the leader in our system has issued a life time ban on all psychiatric meds such as anti-depressants and stuff. If anyone tries to give us any, whomever is front is to resist with as much force as necessary. She dont need to tell me twice! Those pills are scary!

Date: 2014-08-09 01:08 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] poniesandpatchies (from livejournal.com)
Hi.

I know this is late, but christ that doc is a douchecake. SUCH a douchecake. I'm sorry. Good luck getting people back. Man. And we believe you. We don't have DID, but we're multiple. You can be both.

-Another person named Logan. :O

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