confused

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

I feel bad posting this, cuz there have been other similar to it recently. But well I'm so confused, any feedback would be appreciated. Even if it's in the form "go away poser"


When I was 17 I had to go to the school counselor (they thought it would cure me of thinking about suicide). In a one hour session the guy told me that I wasn't suffering from depression, I had multiple personalities. This was a new one for me. So I looked in the yellow pages for shrinks who specialized in mpd and set up an appointment for a second opinion.

In between that time and the time of the appointment I became fascinated with the thought of being plural. I think I was excited to finally be able to put a name to what was going on. So I thought about all my different moods/personalities and named them. (I now realize that individual personalities already have names).

By the time I got to the appointment I was so convinced, I shouldn't have wasted the money. Of course she was going to say I was plural, I had convinced myself that I was, and answered all questions accordingly.

A month later I went to another shrink, this time a freudian psychologist. She said there was no such thing as multiple personalities. I didn't think much about it after that.

Lately, I've been wondering again.
reasons I think I'm not plural:
I've never technically heard voices. I have internal dialogues with myself constantly, and occasionally I argue with myself. But it all sounds like me.

reasons I think I might be:
I have a horrible memory. I often don't remember conversations ever taking place.
In the middle of sex I sometimes get totally freaked out, scared, and don't want to be touched at all. Other times I get bored just when things are really heating up. Most times I enjoy it immensely the whole way through.
When I try to take a personality test it's very difficult. For almost every question I think "well, it depends what mood I'm in." Questions like, do you anger easily? Or do you like to be around people?

I've been thinking about the whole moods with "moods" thing. I hate how I act at school. I think I act like an ass. So everyday, on the way to school, I tell myself specific things not to say or do. As soon I get around people, I completely forget. I have a good time at school, laughing and joking with friends. And I'm a good student so that helps. I mean sometimes I get frustrated, or pissed, but I'm never depressed at school. But then as soon as I get home, I get all pissed off at myself for how I acted.

My biggest concern is that I overthink everything way too much. Tonight I've been sitting here thinking, what if I have other personalities screaming inside of me trying to be heard. What if I try to listen for them? What if I imagine hearing them because I'm listening so hard, or misinterpret my normal ramblings as others? But then what if I'm so afraid of imaginating things I never actually try to listen?

Comments

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

You may be, you may not. I'm surprised that someone decided to come to the conclusion that you were a multiple inside of an hour. The fact that you were enamoured with the idea does present the possibility that you might "convince" yourself of the circumstance, however, that in and of itself doesn't mean you are wrong.

Insofar as some of what you describe, I can't tell if it falls within the "normal" (read: single) or "abnormal" (read: multi) end of the spectrum. It really could be either. Bear in mind the Freudian you speak of is operating within a different framework than others who do believe multi's exist. However, I'm not sure if his/his framework will be useful for you at all, because his/her view in and of itself shouldn't directly affect whether or not you are.

If it does, something is probably very wrong.

Good luck.

--Me

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I have no answers for you, as I have the same questions. Just some of what you said reminded me of myself... I have inner conversations all the time, though all the voices sound relatively like me, and I have terrible memory... I forget conversations seconds after I have them, quite annoying really. I'm also extremely indecisive when it comes to anything, really, not just questions about personality.

Even if you -did- have multiple personalities, that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything "wrong" with you. I think if you take a good look around you can see that there a lot of people functioning normally and happily as multiples. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions any way... be open but don't be so open that you will let people (or even yourself) convince you you're someone or something that you're not.

*shrugs* sorry I can't be of more help...

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I know there's something "wrong" with me. I get depressed a fair amount, sometimes for no apparent reason, sometimes because I'm pissed about my actions. And I don't always function well. I had to drop out of college for a few years and even now I'm not handling the stress that well. Most of the posts I've seen here come from people who are totally "normal" and have their shit together. Emotionally, I'm still a high school kid in many ways.

[moonfroggy.livejournal.com]

i think that it is best to try and not even worry about it or think about if you are or not. but thats easier said than done, if you think about it or not then if you are not you could start having signes of it and then have all of the "symptoms" of being multiple. and if you are then sooner or later you will know.
if the sex stuff is bothering you and if the memory stuff is bothering you a lot then that might be a good reason to start seeing a therapist, and if you do find one i think you should definitly look for one who does beleiv in multiple personalities, and being very honest about your experiences and everything
it is really messed up for a tehrapist to decide in such a short amount of time that you have multiple personalities and then to say so to you, cuz that can be really confusing and mess a person up, and i think it is really wrong for a therapist to say oh that doesn't exist even if thats how they feel who are they to decide what a is real or not real for anotehr person.
it sounds like you might be more dissociative than the average person, i dunno if you are dissociative enough to be considered multiple but there is a whole middle point that you can fall anyplace on, some people have almost all the signs of multiple personalities except for one or two, or just rememebr stuff other ones do and they often get diagnosed with dissociative dissorder not otherwise specified. i think it means you fall someplace in the middle
i dunno where i fall on that whole scale, i have never asked my therapist where she thinks i fall

[epitomeof-crazy.livejournal.com]

You sound exactly like me. I actually think that somedays I just want to be multiple so badly so that I will have someone to talk to. :(

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

A school psychologist who 'diagnoses' you as multiple within an hour is not out to help you; he's trying to get attention and notoriety. School psychs are about the lowest rung on the ladder. They're mostly there as guidance counselors for things like what college do you want to go to. But some of them keep dossiers on the kids. They look for all kinds of mental diseases where none exist; a few years ago (possibly when you were 17), kids were getting misdiagnosed as sexually abused and possibly as multiple based solely on such criteria as art content. just so some school psych could take credit. Some of this went on kids' permanent records, so followed them to college and maybe later to their first jobs.

"When I try to take a personality test it's very difficult. For almost every question I think "well, it depends what mood I'm in." Questions like, do you anger easily? Or do you like to be around people?"

Here's a secret: everyone has this problem on these kinds of tests. They are deliberately oversimplistic and ambiguous. There is no one right answer. There are even jokes about it; a recent West Wing episode had an applicant for White House Special Counsel having to take such a test and on one of the questions he picked "I do not feel sad". Josh asked "You never feel sad?" and the guy said "No, I didn't feel sad when I was taking the test."

We do not hear voices either. Some systems do, some don't.
We never have memory loss. Some systems do, some don't.

Feelings and emotions during sexual experience are not an indication of whether or not you are multiple. They may indicate hormonal balance or how you feel about the person you are with. Whether or not you were sexually abused as a child may have nothing to do with whether you are multiple or not.

Being multiple has nothing to do with "moods". Many people act differently in public from the way they do at home and later think "god, why am I such an ass". Our own mother told us she had this experience, and she didn't have a multiple bone in her body.

Do you have the experience of sharing your body with other people?

Thank you

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

You said a lot of that much better than I did.

--Me

Hey, thank you, too

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

For what you said, too. And for letting us know we said it well!

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

I guess I should have been more specific about timelines, (not that it matters a whole lot). I was in college when I was 17, so it was a college psychologist, not a high school counselor. I'm 26 now, so this all started almost 10 years ago, although I've been depressed and had suicidal tendancies since I was 8.
I'm not sure if I was sexually abused or not. I have memories of it occuring, but my memories contradict one another. I've learned not to trust my memory at all since I forget many things, and insert false memories in their place sometimes.
I don't know if I've experienced sharing my body with other people. I wouldn't know how to tell if I did. I'm very indecisive, and often can't decide on something because I really want to do two opposite things. And sometimes I feel like a different person, but am I truly a different person at those times, or just in a different mood?

[moonfroggy.livejournal.com]

i have also had suicidal tendencies since i was about 8, wether you are multiple or not if you feel like the depression and everything is a problem (it sounds like you feel this way) then you can get help with it, you don't have to feel depressed all the time, or even a lot of the time, and depression totaly completely sucks, i know cuz i suffer from depression and yeah, it sucks

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

And I shoot myself in the foot cuz I won't take meds anymore, I've found therapy to be useless, and they keep telling me it's illegal to self medicate myself with weed...

[moonfroggy.livejournal.com]

:(

[shadowechoes.livejournal.com]

The medications might not be working if/because you're taking other (illegal) drugs, such as weed, at the same time.

~Ash and Rhydan

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

Nope... didn't mix and match. I tried most meds before I ever discovered weed. And afterwards, I wanted to give the meds a true chance to work, without any interferences.

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

If weed is working for you where the SSRIs aren't, maybe you should go someplace where it is decriminalised, or get a medical prescription for it. Such things are not impossible.

[jew87.livejournal.com]

My school psych said DID as a posibility after a year of seeing him and finally telling him about my other people. He only said it as a possibility and i didnt want it to be, so I ignored it. a few months down the track i did get diagnosed with DID so his hunch was right, but he didnt have the right to diagnose.

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

knowing one is multiple & feeling it can be both uh... weird, frightening & quite confusing.

we didn't know for certain until we met another multiple and even then we still weren't sure.


it can take a while. shrugs...

all things considered just plod along and see where things take you. don't over analyze you'll just paint yourself into a corner hehe.

El

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

Thanks for all your comments! I x-posted this to my lj. Feel free to add me as a friend.

[totorojo.livejournal.com]

I have a horrible memory. I often don't remember conversations ever taking place.
In the middle of sex I sometimes get totally freaked out, scared, and don't want to be touched at all. Other times I get bored just when things are really heating up. Most times I enjoy it immensely the whole way through.
When I try to take a personality test it's very difficult. For almost every question I think "well, it depends what mood I'm in." Questions like, do you anger easily? Or do you like to be around people?

Hi there!

This is probably a little late, and reiterates what some people have already said (only not as well), but never mind.

Reading your post it struck me how perfectly that paragraph above describes me... Or perhaps the me of a few years back. Slightly too close for comfort in fact ^_^. However, I am not multiple, nor have ever had any reason to believe I might be.

Of course, one person's experience is not another's, and me being a non-multiple myself I feel rather uncomfortable with the idea that I'm qualified to have any kind of opinion on this. ... But my gut instinct says that the presence of these kinds of feelings alone is not necessarily an incication of multiplicity.

(There, as promised, a less eloquent reiteration of what everyone else has already said. Yay.)

*disappears back in to the wilds of lurking-space*

[wheresjordan.livejournal.com]

Yeah... I probably would have never thought about if some weird guy in nyc hadn't pulled that diagnosis out of his ass. I'm just irked because I have roughly 75% of the symptoms for a range of mental illnesses....
It's good to know I'm not alone in some of my specific problems though.

[sexylittleone.livejournal.com]

so does 75% of the population of the world.

Adriana