(no subject)

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

hey everyone... I've been debating about posting here for a while... I've been lurking for maybe a few weeks now and figured I should introduce myself. or something.

my name is Krystina and I'm 16 years old... I'm turning 17 on June 11th. I don't want to bore everyone with a long complicated description of myself and my condition so I'll try and keep this brief, sorry... well, short history... I have a fraternal twin sister, she's two minutes older than me and almost my complete opposite... my parents divorced when I was 8 but I see both of them regularly... as far as I can remember (which isn't saying much as my memory is terrible) I've always been very creative and just... strange. I was always making up stories when I was little, and would pretend I was different animals... I think that started when my dog died when I was 6 and I sort of took up the role. I used to pretend my stuffed animals were real people, and I had dozens of "imaginary friends" I would talk to and would talk to me back and so forth... to this day I still have internal conversations a lot. but I don't remember too much about how I used to be. my memory was actually pretty good when I was younger but it seems to have degenerated to almost useless recently... which is why I started keeping a daily online journal three years ago... though I've been keeping journals since I was 7.

rambling. anyways. I found out about dissociative disorders last September. At the time, I don't know what I was looking for... a couple months before that I kept having weird trigger episodes, where I kept feeling like I was feeling someone else's feelings and thoughts... to be more specific, one of my "character"'s feelings, Tai, who I've had for almost four years now. and I think at one point someone mentioned "multiple personalities" around me... I found out about DID and started finding websites and books on it and such. eventually I told my mother about it, and while she just thinks I'm being extremely weird, she helped me find a therapist through Sidran. I told my stepmother and my father about it around the same time... my stepmother seemed really sympathetic, I think at one point she was especially borderline... my dad seemed really diffident like it was the biggest bunch of crap he'd ever heard. I've never told my sister, that would be like mental suicide... she doesn't understand "weird" things.

ever since September it's been something of a rollercoaster with me. in some ways I'm inclined to believe a lot of what I'm experiencing and have experienced is mood swings, teen angst, or typical teenage identity confusion. or that I might even be faking it, considering how much information I've absorbed about dissociation and multiplicity... however, it doesn't really concide with the fact that a lot of what I've experienced, I was unaware of what was happening at the time, or did not know it had any connection to dissociation... it doesn't explain my history and the events with Tai before I found out everything I know. I'm not saying I'm multiple but I'm not saying I'm not, either. though now it's starting to get more of a concern because I've been having triggered suicidal episodes and now Teri's thinking I should be put on medication.


I guess the real point of this pointless introduction is... how do you know? how do you know if it's just mood swings or teen angst or an ear infection or not? would it be better for me to go with it and try and find out more about who I really am, or ignore it and write it off as just me being weird and making a big deal out of nothing? hard questions, sorry... I'm not asking for a diagnosis or anything, just your opinions... thank you for reading, anyway.

Comments

[kiya]

I came to the conclusion that I was median when I was in the middle of a very hormone-driven, visceral emotional situation, the sort of thing that tends to leave a person just physically drained afterwards because of all the chemistry involved, and I noticed something, a different brain-process engaged, and it was like the physical response stuff stopped. It was like the chemicals weren't there at all.

I know that the chemistry doesn't fade that fast, so the idea that there was someone else who didn't process the chemistry in the same way as who was there before was the only plausible explanation.

(I had been pondering multiplicity with regards to myself for a bit before that; this was basically the confirmation of something that I could not easily explain any other way.)

[tir-nan-og.livejournal.com]

If you are uncertain, you might try the Layman's Guide to Multiplicity. Here I wish I could have provided a link, but am technologically lame. They have some good questions you could ask yourself. One that struck me was,'do your moods have moods?' or something of the sort. Not that I was in a questioning frame of mind by the time I read it...
Here I must chirpingly add one thing..not all multiples disassociate, or switch frontrunners because they are triggered and trying to find release from facing trauma. It sounds like you started life out with a wonderful capacity for creativity, and a very nonrigid approach to selfhood. Most children are that way to some extent or another, but some far more than most. If you are multiple, it could be a natural tendency. It could even be described as a gift.
Good luck with your self (or selves, possibly) discovery.

[kiya]

The Layman's Guide to Multiplicity is here.

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

Thanks.. I've actually looked through the whole site before (it's in my bookmarks), can't remember much from it now, though... *palmtoforehead*

[ksol1460.livejournal.com]

Just because your "imaginary" friends turned out not to be so imaginary doesn't mean you have a dissociative disorder -- or any kind of disorder, let alone DID. But you could be multiple. Why don't you speak to Tai and see what she thinks about it?

I'd go with tir_nan_og on this one. Your truth is the one that's important -- not what some authority thinks.

Check out the Layman's Guide at http://www.kitsune.cx/blackbirds/layman. Also plural_living. There are other sites dealing with multiplicity as a routine thing and not a mental disease. http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/personal.html
http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/contacts.html

[pengke.livejournal.com]

Judging based on things you've said other places, you came across some sites on DID and lept at that explanation for your experiences. You didn't have time to fully think about everything you were assuming onto yourself and your characters before you started telling everyone and demanding treatment. You're bound to have had something of a backlash from that especially given that a lot of singles don't initially react well to multiplicity.

You seem to feel that either you have DID or you're just being Wierd and there's nothing in between, which certainly isn't the case. So the answer to your question: would it be better for me to go with it and try and find out more about who I really am, or ignore it and write it off as just me being weird and making a big deal out of nothing? is yes.

You are making a big deal out of nothing. The mere possibility of being multiple is no reason to go running to a psychologist (although since you're having suicidal urges you should probably stay in therapy.) It's just another way of living, like any other, with it's own advantages and disadvantages.

And you should allow yourself to explore this aspect of you and find out who you really are. Maybe the others are aspects of your personality, maybe they're imaginary friends or soulbonds, maybe they're actual people...only you can know. You need time to adjust and be yourself. You would probably do best by not accepting any labels and limiting the discussion you have with other people on this subject for a while. The last thing you need is to start trying to fit yourself in with other people's experiences.

They can be an important part of who and what you are no matter what they turn out to be. But if you try to force them and yourself into being something you're not, you might lose them.

- A

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

You have good points, thanks... I did jump to extreme conclusions when I first found about it and eventually stopped and wondered what the hell I was doing. because the more I poked at it the more it kind of scared them away. and it has given me a good deal of backlash when I started acting so dramatic. I know there's a middle ground and I'm trying to just let things work out on their own. Teri has never mentioned any diagnosis around me and I don't want one... fitting into labels is not always such a great idea. so I'm trying to stay really open about it and I'm not making any conclusions anymore...

[hurricanrana.livejournal.com]

hey sweetie! How are you? I read what otherh people have written and I"ll try not to repeat too much (if anything). I think the thing is that you might never know...or you might know and not know that you know or you might not have 'it'. LOL Confusing, yes, but it's just the way that it is.
From what you said, I don't think you have a system, but that's just my opinion. You might. I'm sure you have a ton of other experiences that might change mind if i knew about them.
Honestly, I don't care if I have 'it' or not. Yes..I do. But 'it' is just a label that the medical field stuck on me. I meet the criteria and it fit. There's a TON of people who think that the medical stuff is all hokie and that you don't have to have those symptoms to be multiple. You're 16, almost 17. I was that old when I was diagnosed. Maybe I don't want you to have it since I know what happened to me after I found out. It's a long hard road to know yourself after that cos once you find out....it's like a whole new world to discover when things come forth. At the same time, like you....I was curious when I heard about it. I'm not a hypocondriac by any means so when I heard some of the symptoms of MPD/DID I was really drawn to it. It's not a popular opinion of other people who have a system, but I think you 'know' when you have it if/when you get diagnosed by a good Dr. (notice I didn't say any dr. LOL) and if people around you know you have it. My sister knew and told me long before any dr. in a psych ward did.

I dunno. I"m not making sense right now cos I don't feel good so I'm gonna stop babbling. What's great about your post is how positive you sound. Teen angst really augmented the stuff with my system...or maybe my system really augumented the teen angst? Either way it sucked LOL

I added you since you remind me a lot of me when I was you age. I hope you don't mind. I gotta get to work now.

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

There's a lot more to it I've omitted... maybe because it's like the "ear infection" thing, I don't know. I only mentioned Tai because he's the only one I recognize easily when he's "around" for lack of a better word. He has a lot of emotional depth to him and I recognize his thoughts and feelings the most because they're so distinctive. so that's probably why I noticed him so much in the beginning but maybe didn't notice any of the others so much... I don't want to make assumptions but I've noticed a few others, namely Tigrin, Kry, Vampiress, and Silence. Most of the time Tigrin seems pretty much indistinguishable from me and maybe now that's why I can't remember which came first, me named after him or the other way around. I don't ever feel like I'm controlled or I've gone away or something, I just feel like I'm operating in "layers", sort of. like... someone might say something to me, and I might be okay with it, but then there's something/someone else that simultaneously reacts differently to it, might take it as an offense or something, and then it's working out a compromise between the reactions. but that feeling of "layers" isn't always there... it's like some are awake or nearby sometimes and other times they're not.


annnyywayys, getting off on a tangent... thanks for adding me! =) I've added you back, if that's alright...

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Lots of people who are multiple don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I've been multiple my whole life (I'm 46) and don't dissociate, or have "triggers", or any of that stuff. Not "disordered", either - our House (or "system" as many people would say) is a loving and peaceful one, a strong and supportive family. It can be a wondrous thing to be multiple, an advantage rather than a liability.

"I've been having triggered suicidal episodes"

Ummm, what exactly do you mean, "triggered"? A lot of the jargon you've found in books about DID is not necessarily going to be accurate or useful. Do you mean that you feel it's "someone else" who has suicidal episodes? or that you have suicidal impulses in response to certain things? Being multiple and being suicidal do not necessarily have anything to do with each other... although it's not uncommon for teenagers who feel they are "weird" (in whatever way) to become suicidal out of despair at being different from other people.

"how do you know if it's just mood swings or teen angst or an ear infection or not? would it be better for me to go with it and try and find out more about who I really am, or ignore it and write it off as just me being weird and making a big deal out of nothing?"

Differential diagnosis, hon: if it was an ear infection, your ear would be hurting. Practically all teenagers have "teen angst"; practically all teenage girls have mood swings due to hormonal levels that haven't balanced out yet. Quite a few kids have vivid, creative imaginations, and are considered "weird" by their less-creative peers and family members - if it's any consolation, life gets way better in adulthood, when one can choose one's own company, and you've only got a year or so to go.

All that's a separate issue from being multiple. Actually, your description sounds to me more like you're soul-bonded, and there's a community for that; soulbonding, which has a lot of links on the Info page.

My opinion? "Know thyself". It's always better to find out who you are than to ignore it, dismiss it, be in denial. Note, however, that this does NOT mean telling the whole world all about your "inner stuff"! Since you are a minor, you are at great risk of being drugged against your will. If you make a suicide attempt, there is a strong probability that you will be locked up. You might want to think long and hard about whether either of these occurances would enhance your life, and alter your behavior to avoid them if you decide they would not.

If your suicidal ideation is so strong that there is a real danger of your hurting yourself, the balance may tip the other way: most people would say it is better for a young person to be temporarily drugged and/or locked up than to die or be permanently maimed. (More suicide attempts end in lasting physical damage than end in death, by the way - it's harder to actually die than most people think.) If you give the adults in charge of you reason to believe it is that strong, they're going to take the decision out of your hands, so consider carefully what you say and do.

Maybe the biggest question here is: do you want Tai to be gone? The goal of "therapy" for DID is "integration", which in a nutshell means getting rid of all your "sub-personalities" and restoring you to "normalcy" in the eyes of your shrink. A "normal" person, of course, is one who can say (and believe) "There's no such thing as fairies" without a qualm. Somehow, that doesn't sound like you, and maybe it's not what you want to be, so... time to re-evaluate your strategy in light of what you do want.

Best of luck to you!

[tigrin.livejournal.com]

My choice of words isn't that great, sorry... ^^; when I mentioned "triggered" I only meant in the sense that something happened that started a chain of reactions. specific examples... once I was looking out the window on a freeway and saw a farm, thought of Tai, and then sort of started acting and thinking like him. had the same thing happen once in Ethics class last year where the teacher was talking about "mercy killing". sometimes it's really subtle, like thinking about it, or certain songs that remind me, etc... in which case I'll get dizzy and sometimes I'll get really tired... if I close my eyes I'll "fall asleep" for about a half hour or so... not really sleeping, I'm still awake, but I'm dreaming at the same time. the "suicidal episodes" I've been having will be like... most of the time a friend was talking to me or something, or in one instance I had just seen The Butterfly Effect for a second time... and while I felt fine I also felt really depressed, and it would sort of like I'd start slipping into the other side of me and start thinking all these things and acting rather suicidal when really I had no reason to think or feel that way. and that will last a little while, hours maybe, and then it's like it sort of "shuts off" and I'm fine again. that's the only thing that's confused me about that and the reason I would mention it, because I personally don't feel depressed or suicidal but then that happens. so in response... Do you mean that you feel it's "someone else" who has suicidal episodes? or that you have suicidal impulses in response to certain things? in a way it's both.

thanks for the soulbonding link, I'll check it out... =)

so I've heard about the minor thing... of course I didn't know about that when I first found out. at first I was keeping all my journal posts about how I felt public, until I got some backlash from a friend about it... since then I've been keeping all my posts private to an exclusive group of friends that I trust. in some ways it really isn't anyone else's business but I also don't want people jumping to conclusions about me, you know? because a lot of people just don't understand it or aren't familiar beyond Sybil.

I don't want Tai or any of the others to be gone... I really love them, even if I'm somewhat frightened of them, too... which I hope is understandable...

How we knew

[sethrenn.livejournal.com]

We decided it was real because a lot of things seemed to fall into place when we considered the possibility that maybe these were actual separate people, not just 'one person not knowing what she wants her personality to be' or different aspects of one person or characters we had made up for stories. It made sense to look back on our past and think that it wasn't just a case of one person changing to extreme degrees over time, but that there had really been several people in here. It made it a lot easier when we could stop angsting over "who am I really? which one is my real personality?" and "nobody else gets this involved with characters in their head, I must be pathetic" and leave it at "They -are- different people, not me."

In short, after we had sorted out the initial fear, confusion, denial of "I can't be multiple because that means I'm crazy and I'm not crazy," worries about going out of control (which never happened)-- things fell into place and made sense. We were at peace, for the first time in more years than we could remember, and happy to find that the "imaginary friends" we had talked to since childhood were actually real people.


Anthea with Shiu