panic

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

i hate myself so much some times. I had yet another total freak out this morning at the simple thought of putting myself on yet another bus this week. It's getting worse and I dont think its the busses. its me... i hate going out. It scares the shit out of me. Where I live, there are a large amount of hispanic families. No problem with that... its the men i cant stand. Hispanic men are alot more forthcoming than the men I am used to. That means that they will literally approach you and try to grab you or at least they make really NASTY comments... in english and spanish. Since alot of them around my apartment complex dont work... they are around all the time. I dont even really walk my dog that much anymore. Its just to stressful.
I feel totally stupid and useless at this point. I have managed to fuck up my relationships with my friends, I can't go anywhere without being a freak, hell, I cant even talk to my kids on the phone anymore without bawling for hours afterwards... and the thought of talking to them gives me a panic attack for hours before I even call them. ( probably why I havent talked to them for the last month!) If someone can name a use for me I would love it. And friendship and caring and all those things dont count. I can be friends and be caring to a million people... it still gives me NO sense of purpose or reason. My life consists of taking care of the 6 cats and the dog and all the cleanup that goes with that, and going to therapy when I can actually make it there. Whatever huh?