panic

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

i hate myself so much some times. I had yet another total freak out this morning at the simple thought of putting myself on yet another bus this week. It's getting worse and I dont think its the busses. its me... i hate going out. It scares the shit out of me. Where I live, there are a large amount of hispanic families. No problem with that... its the men i cant stand. Hispanic men are alot more forthcoming than the men I am used to. That means that they will literally approach you and try to grab you or at least they make really NASTY comments... in english and spanish. Since alot of them around my apartment complex dont work... they are around all the time. I dont even really walk my dog that much anymore. Its just to stressful.
I feel totally stupid and useless at this point. I have managed to fuck up my relationships with my friends, I can't go anywhere without being a freak, hell, I cant even talk to my kids on the phone anymore without bawling for hours afterwards... and the thought of talking to them gives me a panic attack for hours before I even call them. ( probably why I havent talked to them for the last month!) If someone can name a use for me I would love it. And friendship and caring and all those things dont count. I can be friends and be caring to a million people... it still gives me NO sense of purpose or reason. My life consists of taking care of the 6 cats and the dog and all the cleanup that goes with that, and going to therapy when I can actually make it there. Whatever huh?

Comments

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Wow, it sounds horrible - I'd be freaking out too, if I had to worry about agressive unemployed jerks trying to grab me or making nasty remarks every time I set foot outside. No wonder you're depressed and panicking, living under siege like that and having no life besides cleaning up after your animals. A person would have to be crazy to not be depressed in such circumstances.

You need a job, hon. Sounds like you also need to get the hell out of where you're living and move somewhere you won't be subjected to this sort of constant ugly stress. I'm guessing you don't drive, haven't got a car nor anyone to help you move, have little or no money, have way too much stuff, and can barely contemplate all the work it would take to pack up and get out of where you are - not to mention the fact that few places will rent to someone with seven animals, especially if they make messes. This makes it difficult, but not impossible... and since you're already dealing with difficulty, how much worse could it be?

Okay, so... first things first, as they say in Al-Anon. Y'know, if you die or get locked up, your animals will be sent to the pound and your stuff will be thrown away, so... how about "staying alive and free" as a purpose, just to start with? Then you can start thinking about cleaning up and packing up your stuff, and possibly finding good homes for some of your animals, so you are able to move.

Worry about what the use or purpose of your life is meant to be AFTER you've gotten yourself settled in a place where you can ride the bus without being terrified of getting attacked. It may be that once you've done so, you will find your purpose and your peace naturally - that's often how it happens.

You don't say whether or not the therapy is doing anything good for you. What if you went to your theapist and said flat-out, "Help me get myself out of this hell-hole and into somewhere decent"... what response would you get? Couldn't hurt to try, eh? That's the up-side of abject despair: any attempt at positive action is likely to have better results than what one has already been doing.

*hugs* Hang in there, hon. Save your own life. *praying you peace and strength*

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

wow... i guess I realize how bad that last post sounded. I do have more going on than just the animals... and cleaning up after them is not the nasty stuff... hehe! It's mostly toys and fur etc... LOL!
As far as a job.. I am not able to work right now and am on SSI... I have a great apartment that I just moved into 6 months ago... good price, huge floorplan... ! I also have a wonderful loving awesome fiance who lives with me. We split rent.. and share the animals (one is originally his the rest we aquired together) My place is like my safe haven from the world. I just hate leaving my apartment... the world itself isnt safe to me.. not just the dudes here or the bus.
Therapy is good... I have a therapist who is learning but is the best i have ever had.
If nothing else... thank you for making me look at my post again and realizing that I have ALOT more than I feel I do...
Sometimes, the animals ARE what keeps me going... specially my puppy. He would be lost without me.:)
Thanks
Alex

[elenbarathi.livejournal.com]

Whew... *grins*... okay, so things are not so bad as they sounded; this is good to know. I'm very, very literal, and from your post I pictured you living alone in squalor with your animals in some scuzzy housing-project slum, with no way out - hey, y'know, I've got friends who have been down that far, or farther; it happens. I'm very glad it's not happening to you, however.

The world's not a safe place for anyone, hon, but there's no way to avoid dealing with it... umm, well, not true; there are ways, but few of them are healthy ways. It's also good to know you like your therapist. *smiles* Keep hope, 'kay? It's almost Spring; things are going to be better soon.

[saturniakitty.livejournal.com]

Maybe if it's convenient your fiance could walk you to and from the bus stop and glare menacingly at the hispanic guys?

[leathersammie.livejournal.com]

I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to anyway. I live in a really horrid part of my town that is affectionately called "The killing fields" by the residents. We have many homeless and hispanic males wandering around harassing any female walking alone. What I have discovered is that most of these males seem to be very supersticious. If you walk alone to the bus, try talking...out loud...to nobody. They perceive you to be crazy, and for some reason, they leave crazy people alone. I know this works because I have tried it in my own area. Don't forget to gesture occasionally or swat at imaginary bugs. I swear, it at least makes the walk to the bus more fun!

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

What a great thing to wake up to!:) I appreciate all the comments and feedback... and it was nice to get a laugh! I don't have to work to hard to appear crazy:)
thanks all!!
Alex

I'm not sure how comfortable I am

[spookshow-girl.livejournal.com]

With some of this line of conversation.

Being hispanic and all.

I was going to give some cultural insight into some of the "superstitious" behaviors, but I'm busy, and not particularly in the mood to potentially spread some more steriotypes.

I do feel sympathy for the troubles you both have gone through, however, this conversation is just a little too us/them for my tastes.

--Me

Re: I'm not sure how comfortable I am

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry if my post sounded anti hispanic in anyway... I really am not a bigot or anything like that... I guess I was just sharing the situation... not realizing that I was just peretuating a stereo type.
I do apologize..
Alex

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

"I cant even talk to my kids on the phone anymore without bawling for hours afterwards..."

I was apart from my kids for a while when things were really crazy and my system was still trying to work itself out. The main "mother" had already "left", but there were bits in here that remembered little snippets, and the guilt was horrible.

I think it's okay to bawl for hours. We used to do it all the time. In fact, a good lying on the floor howling from the pit of the stomach weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth is really beneficial from time to time. I think We're due for another one soon.

I paint sometimes, and have raised two teenagers with two more still in progress, and there is something that I like to call the "ugly stage" in every creative work. The first intention is underway... the initial "I want to know the truth" or "I want to function" or "I want to be able to live as I am" and then the actual work starts. And the work never matches exactly the inspiration. We think that We'll paint something and it's gonna look just so, and then, with the actual paint on the actual canvas, it looks back at me and says "Nuh Uh." And it gets real ugly for a while while we battle it out and negotiate, and eventually I have to give in and let the painting be what it wants.

Teenagers are like that. And I think that alot of multiples go through something like that while the system works itself out. I believe it gets better. I believe our systems (all of us multiples in the world) have some idea what they are about and how to get there. I think the ugly stage fucking sucks and can be really hard to survive. In fact, there are no words for how dark and awful and chaotic that time was for Us. Just staying alive was all We could do. (And I know a few systems that got stuck there and haven't seemed to move.) I'm cheering for you...

And... what if your meaning in life was to find what makes you happy and do it? What would happen if your use was to figure out how to be you, and to thrive as you? I think a sense of meaning is essential to life. And I think that our meanings can be totally arbitrary, totally subjective... if you could pick any reason at all to be here... what would it be? What do you do that when you're doing it, you feel completely justified for taking up space?

Sending light and hope your way....

[chaostiny.livejournal.com]

thank you for all of that.... sometimes I just sit and wonder why any of this exists... you know... the beginnings of all of it, why did God decide to create this place... or why didnt he completely destroy it when He got pissed at humanity?? I guess its a self pity thing now that I think of it... if none of it existed.. i wouldnt exist and neither would those that hurt us and those that were hurt by them. If I could choose to be or do something... some purpose... well, I have a goal to become a counsellor... mayhaps a psychologist... but I have to be better before that happens... which puts me back into "it will never happen" and "i am too screwed up to do school" etc etc....
Logically... I know all this stuff is screwed up and that I really don't need to be yacking about it. But my emotions are so broken that there is no connection between them and my logic. It's like looking at a computer and knowing exactly how to fix a problem, but your keyboard doesnt work as a result of the problem.... no way to communicate the fix to the rest of the puter.
Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to reply!
Alex

[ex-khailitha846.livejournal.com]

I went up on the mountaintop and had a rant at "God" once. I was in the crazy stage: switchy, flashbacky, cutty, everyone inside was arguing all the time, I had four children outside children that no one inside could remember giving birth to, no money, no car, no family, no support system. I didn't have anyone I could trust to take care of the kids so I could be hospitalized. I was at the end of my rope and I told "him" so. And, man, was I ever pissed.

The answer I got back was, "It doesn't matter what you do, you will heal. The body starts to heal automatically as soon as it knows it's been hurt. Souls are the same way. Now that you know you've been hurt, you will start to heal. It doesn't matter if you get a job, go on welfare, go to school, raise those children, go into the hospital, etc. etc. etc... so just live your life. Worry about living your life, and let us (meaning the healer/teacher guides) worry about the healing. They (meaning the abusers) stole your childhood. Don't let them steal your adulthood too. Live your life and see what happens."

I don't know if that helps at all. Sometimes, We had to focus our attention onto the exact millisecond We were in because looking at any picture larger than that was too overwhelming. But, We went to school, worked, took care of the kids, had relationships, danced, played music, painted, all the while We were freaking out daily and thinking We weren't functional at all.

Sending hope and light. There is something worth doing TODAY... no waiting.